Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Problem 1: Woke up

This is what it feels like-
A tangle of vines, thick and heavy, pushing their way up through your chest, scratching at your insides, filling your lungs and trying to claw their way up your throat.

This what it feels like-
Like you're leaning back and dizzy, and something's being sucked out of you.
Like you, are being sucked out of you.

This is what it feels like-
Like random spots on your body hurt for no reason. And you can press and poke, searching for the source, but you'll only get close enough and never spot on.

This is what it feels like-
Like you should know. You should know what's going on with yourself, you should know what's causing you to feel this way. You should know. Except you don't. And that pisses you off more than anything.

I can put it down to hormones. That might be the easiest thing to blame right now.
Or the month that we're in right now.
Or the book. Yes, maybe it's Jodi Picoult. But it's the most unexpected things making me tear up.
Or that one of my best friends just left tonight and another will leave tomorrow on the red eye.
Or that for some reason or other, as the day wore on, I ended up feeling emptied out and shitty. Just, shitty.
Like, I'm-doing-something-wrong- shitty plus I-don't-know-what-to-do- shitty, with a bit of I'm-all-wrong-right-now- shitty sprinkled on top of that.

So we cut the call, and I'm lying there, tears burning my eyes and cutting into my skin.
And here's the thing, I don't know why.
And because I don't know, I can't fix it, or try to.
I've got a vague sense of what it might be, but then, me being me, I don't like feeling like it's mapped out. Like there are patterns, even though there always are.
And for the most part, right now it seems like just a tiny bit of this tangle of feelings.

This is what it feels like-
Like I'm falling through coloured leaves. Like I'm falling through time and space. Like I'm falling. And I'm just waiting and waiting and fucking waiting, to hit concrete. To fall against something, to hear myself break, to feel something, even if it's pain.
Except I'm not. I'm just falling, and backwards at that.
And it feels like the world is slipping away from me.

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