Daughters

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

we still bruise as easily-

My Two Favourite Boys.
'nuff said.


I'm getting so completely and utterly fed up that, if i wasn't getting so annoyed, it'd actually be pretty damn funny.
There's always so fucking much to say, and tonnes to blog about.

Clearly, i don't do that these days, do i?

I guess a whole bunch of stuff happening is (blog-wise) pretty much the same as absolutely nothing happening.
There's so much to talk about that it annoys you.

Well,
it annoys me.

because i belong to me

when you find the pieces that fit, my love,
you will find yourself.
mirrors aren't really ugly,
and tiny bells ring just as beautifully.
when you find the pieces that fit,
you will find yourself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING ANN NA.
i love you sooooooooooo fucking mooooooooooochooos

Street, Berlin

will you join me for coffee there,
and one cigarette too many?
We'll people-watch and sketch,
and laugh until we're giddy.


So i dropped by a friend's blog post (V would know who),
and thought, as I always do, that that empty wine glass simply wouldn't do if i were to read more than the next two lines.
With help then, i read on.
Without help, other than what i was reading, i wanted to laugh out loud and throw up at the same time.


Aren't i just awful.

Full day of work tomorrow.
yipeedeedoo eh.

cos i'm faaaaaat

truth

tell me about it

getting shitfaced

look at me, happily busting out.
why do i always look so bloody unglamorous.

i've a good reason to get shitfaced now though;
I'm moving.
Again.

Yes, i'm pissed off.

When we moved in, I didn't really want to unpack.
I didn't really want to set up home because I didn't want to get too attached,
I didn't want to get comfortable.
I didn't want to make a home and then have to pack my life up into a fucking cardboard box and leave all over again.

But then after a month or so of sleeping on the couch,
moving into my room was amazing. Just amazing.
And i wanted to unpack.
I wanted to put up stuff, set up pretty things.
I wanted to make my room into a cosy little home and be able to just,
live.

So i did that.
I moved furniture around,
tried not to cry when FUCKLOADS of my paintings got soaked in aircon water.
Imagine that, at least try to.
I'm not a fantastic artist, but obviously these paintings meant something to me.
Abstract paintings don't just mean splashes of random colour.
More than that, my first major three hour painting, which i stayed up on a school night to paint (after this strange moment of picking up the pencil),
that was gone.
And i had to chuck it.

I learned to deal and yes,
i loved my room.

But what the hell for.

Because now i'm moving.
Loving my room and having put effort into it doesn't matter one single fucking bit.
Not now anyway.

I cannot even begin to describe to you how i feel right now.
How it feels to coax yourself into letting your guard down.
Simplest things like, turning your rented un-fantastic apartment into a home or trusting a friend with a secret or falling in love,
they all turn into these horrible things that can and probably will turn around and bite you.

Moving, just by yourself, that's fine.
Fitting your entire family's life into a box is just a wee bit difficult.
Yeah we've got a fucking shitload of stuff, but sometimes i wish people would like, get it rather than keep telling us to chuck stuff.
Because you probably haven't had to fit fourteen years of your life, and your sister's life, and your mom's life into a big enough box.
We can keep chucking stuff, but just because we're moving as an entire family would mean we've got a shitload of stuff.
Stuff like my mom's typewriter which i never want to chuck, or boxes of cookbooks/ wine books,
boxes of school books- for The Little Creature as well as myself.

This would be different if we're moving, for good, you know.


Here's my reason to get shitfaced tonight

On a particularly time-wasting book

It can't possibly that i'm especially against marriages right now and would much rather run off with my lesbian lover than come close to getting married in four years and a month.

This book was called My Three Husbands.
And it seemed a really good read at first.
Blimey, i even got past the half-way mark!
But ohmyfuckingshit, i felt like punching this girl's third husband. The one she only just got married to.

First of all, he's so bloody difficult to get along with.
Secondly, he keeps finding fault with her two fathers just because they're rich, eat foie fras and build a lovely resort out in the woods.
Okay, yes I'm not a huge fan of civilisation and i love the environment, but i can't stand extremists when they're so fucking annoying and can't let other people live they way the want to.

This one scene in particular, stood out.
He's rummaging through her purse for aspirin and finds,
quote "Candy. Cigarettes. All the consumer shit you can't live without." unquote.
Well go fuck yourself, roll over and drool.
Then it he takes out her contraceptives and chucks it at her saying,
"Well don't ever stop eating those."

I'll bet the character in the book isn't seething half as much as I am.

What in the Fucking World.
Why are all men (Gays, Victor and Enqing not included) such complete and utter PRICKS!
I felt like reaching into the book, ripping his head of his short body and using his own teeth to bite off his stubby dick. The character says it's stubby anyway so i don't see how she can have sex that is all that, like fantastic.

I endured about ten, maybe twenty more pages before i skipped round to the back, and then just got annoyed at the character herself and then chucked the book aside.

For fuck's sake!
She's gotten married three fucking times and she's all of twenty-five.
And i happen to think she's a downright stupid, nitwit.
She quit school, with no intent of ever going back just cos she wants to work, takes all three of her parents for granted, and can't tell one shitty husband from the next!

I hate that it's like every book i pick up seems to turn me more against marriage than anything.

No really, it's pissing me off no end.

eurgh

Paul's Jammie Partyyyy

Okay, yes I've noticed what a disgusting slug i've been recently.

So, well,
because i didn't blog about it. here goes.



Paul's PJ Party at Marina Mandarin was absolutely fantastic((:


I like his chin and he likes my nose, you see.
Stefan, don't you look gorgeous.
While i look like utter crap.
ugh.
I can barely remember having this photograph taken.
hahahah

So anyway!

YEP
The party was absolutely fantabulous.
We had like, three warnings from the people downstairs and they kept wanting to make us leave the room.
):

Vans did her bit in negotiating, and even though the Malay guy wasn't so bad, his superior (who was right there too) was all anal and stuffs.
eurgh.

It was good, all in all.
And the room was really nice.

YAY!
aaaand
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY PAUL!
and yes, i know your birthday was like before the party.
hahaha
:D:D

I haven't had a temperature this high in years.
The 39.6 went down to 39.3 and then up again to 39.7

Victor came by with cream soup.
I know, i'm such an absolute sucker for cream soup when i'm ill.
Then i promptly fell asleep until my fever broke.

The aches are starting back up again though
so i'd best be off(:

Today didn't start off to fantastically, though i must say my back to back classes were fine.
I came really close to buying a brand new nano from victor, but then his brother wants it back.
It's not as bad as it sounds,
i wouldn't have been able to talk myself out of it.
hahaha

So i had an awful start, but a wonderful afternoon and evening
(:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTOR HUANG ZEXY PANTIES

HAPPY HAPPY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY
VICTOR HUANG ZEXY PANTIES!
I HOPE YOU LIKED MY PRESENT, AND THE CAKE, AND THE CANDLES THAT YOU COULDN'T BLOW OUT (which means your wish won't come true) AND ALL THE OTHER NICE LITTLE STUFFS THAT'VE HAPPENED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!



emo child

"oooh look! i'm a peeerv!"

(:

For the forever that i've known you,
thank you for always nagging, caring and spazzing.
You know there's a loooooooot more i'd like to say but then it'd get gross and mushy and i'm not in a very mushy mood.
So lucky you!

Thanks for being the most amazing friend.
I swear i wouldn't be anywhere without you.

I love you I love you I love you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Love,
Charis Vera

what i was waiting for

When you told me how close you came to an accident that day, i froze thinking:
i wouldn't have wanted to lose you, and worse still, not have known.
But as i fall asleep that night, absorbing details of our phonecall, i realized that
when i lost you, i hadn't even realized it.

It's strange.
I would cry- Not because of how i feel but because of the lack of emotions and the empty space it's left.
I'd cry for her, who gave you her all and her everything, without fully realizing who you are.
I'd cry for you and the person you've become.

I'd cry at a lot of things,
but not what I don't have anymore.

Without quite realizing it,
I've already said my goodbyes
and broken my soul ties.

i fell in love last night

Yeah boy, i did.




She lights up! ((:
mommy, TLC and i all went awwwwwww when i plugged her in.

Okay, so she's a mouse.
But i'll have you know that it's incredibly hard to find pretty pink mice.

i am soooo not going overboard.
I'm blogging about it and then i'm shutting up.

I love love love love loooove my new mouse!
<3<3<3


Thanks Victor:D:D

a wee while, they say

Spent the evening with my two favourite boys; something i haven't done for absolute eons.
I went completely high on absolutely nothing and spent the long walk spinning round and round, singing out of tune, annoying joggers and starting sword fights with sticks.

Enqing has been out of action for so long it felt like we weren't in the same country!
In this time, mushrooms have grown in a corner of my room, and i've shaved my head and watched it grow back.
So finallyyy, we managed to hang out. I didn't know how much i missed it really.

Today was major shopping day!
We've bought our equipment for recording already and we should be aaaaaall set berry soon!
YAY
Our firebox has a name! She's called Haze!

Double joy for Victor who bought a laptop today too.
This is his major shopping okay, couple of hundred heeeere and theeeere.
As opposed to my OMGSOCHEAP! $10/$20/$30 here and there and here and there and here and theeeeeeeeeere. hahahaha

Today, from start to finish,
was absolutely lovely. The bulk of time having been spent with the boys.

<3 you both!


xoxo

Never have I ever...

)):

i logged onto facebook and clicked on this random quiz which was titled
Never Have I Ever.
Then we were supposed to arrange the stuff in order of which we would never ever do, from first to last.
I sort of stared at it for a bit
Then felt superbly loserish, cos i've done all of them before.
ugh

Well,
Never Have I Ever won at this game))):

love, they call it

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This wasn't funny.
I just thought it was incredibly sweet.

more than this

Never felt more stupid, when it comes to academics.
After three Visual Art Assignments where i got full marks for each and every one of them.
I must have gotten complacent.
I must have rushed this last one out, before i went to Bintan. So this is what i came back to.

My back, still warm from the sun, my belly button still holding bits of Bintan's sand,
Me, looking forward to staring at another 100/100 for my Fourth Assignment.
Instead, i got an 87
If you do the brain-required math, it works out to be two questions that i got wrong.
Two questions that so happen to be in the section where they don't give you the answers.

You might think i'm overreacting. And if i saw someone else like this, i'd tell them they were overreacting myself!
At first, i started at the overall percentage. With bated breath, i clicked on the page that held my results.
Later on, i had a decent cry which made me feel heaps better.
Yes, I would roll my eyes at me if i were someone else.
But i think for like, the second time ever, the grade meant so much to me that everything on that page was wrong because of that number. An 87 also means a B = 0.67 marks short of a B+
That just kills you know.

My mood swung from one end to the other and back in about half an hour flat.
I'll just have to work harder then, won't i?

back.

the laundry, it goes round and round and round

and that's all i'm waiting for really.

The laundry's on it's final two minute spin and then it's ta ta.

So,
as i usually do before i disappear, i spent the morning tidying up my room like crazy.
i like.

Now, to hang up laundry that's done.

a secret hideaway

Hello squeegees, squawdgers and sqwackers.

It's a wonderful time to go away for a bit, isn't it?
Actually, no it isn't.
Not with secondary school kids on the loose.
But anyway, because it's June,
we like to believe that it's a wonderful time to go away.
Because the sun shines just that bit brighter, beaches are sandier, waves are bigger and
brains are allowed to turn into mush!

So, yours truly is going to get a tan by hiding in a secret part of her room where no one will find her.
Now how fantastic is that!

Shame i didn't go for tonight's party, but then again, hanging out with Victor is never a bad thing.
And of course, one of his newfound mutant abilities is shoving my procrastinating ass out of the way and finally making that bloody call to the aircon repair company.
No more fountain in my room))):
Also means no more moss-friends.
Oh dear, what a lonely life i will live now.

Today was such a fucking sluggish day.
It's amazing I managed to do any work at all really. Now all I've got left is three more questions for my fifth assignment and i'm set.
Ought to walk Homer tomorrow too, before I disappear.
Oh yes, and tidy up my room so that mr aircon-repair man doesn't totally throw up all over my baby dustbunnies.

eurgh.
What a terrible lot to do! And i'm falling asleep already.
I shall start off with uhm,
bathing and going to bed.
Always helps.

Oh yes, Enqing and I will be performing at the Esplanade Library, Arts Cafe on July 4th.
We're doing a forty-five minute jazz set from 4pm-5pm.
It's a Friday.
Promise to update, though that's really all the information.

Baby Vee, I have Grey's Season One and will be borrowing Two as well.
So if you wanna slug around for a full day, call me.
Enqing, HELLO WELLO. Stop overworking yourself.
Victor Huang Zexy Panties, Thank You in advance for sorting out my mini fountain.
Though i dont know how i'll sleep without my calming therapeutic sounds. The world would still be in the Stone Age if it weren't for people like you who decided that rocks look better with a startup sound and green letters dancing on its surface.

Okie doke.
As usual, so much more to say but don't give a droplet of shit so why bother.

Bye Bye,
I will enjoy myself in my secret wormhole!




xoxo

So, break me

This is SPUDGE!
One of the kids' mothers made it for Sophie and she was sharing it in the office.
It's super delish, i swear!

Anyways!
I love work and lunches and snippets of free time and the assignments that i'm doing and actually getting full marks for!
Yes, omg, 100/100 for Visual Art Assignments:D

I've properly figured out Break Me, a song i wrote with Alastair.
Rather, he came up with a tune and i happened to have lyrics.
Don't know how that song works out though because i think he's still mad at me and right now, not in Singapore (i think) and i don't have the attention span to ignore him these days.
Ah
Fantastic.

So sweetheart, if you read this,
the song's done and i just need your bridge. hope you're having fun wherever you are, even if you just crossed the border for dinner or something.

There are so many June Babies!
ZOMG

i'm lazy to type stuff that you're not all that interested in reading.
I do have a shit load of stuff to talk about but of course,
i keep saving it.
Then i'll explode.
Yay me.

my piece of one sweet love















one, sweet love

a world gone by

doesn't not blogging mean that i'm out there living instead?
hah, what rubbish.

While getting back into the swing of real life has indeed been an amazingly huge effort, i'm starting off nicely.
Just need to hold on tight i suppose.

I'll be off next week to Bintan.
mmm, yes indeed.
Who wouldn't want to be me.

There are so many june babies and i can't wait for all the upcoming parties:D

i've finished the duet for Chris Lee's script, and i'm incredibly happy.
I do still have work though.

I'd best get back to sitting by the window, wondering what i'm doing on the inside.
haha.
how drama, shut the fuck up charis.

but no, really.
goodnight

i'm tired.

aren't you?

Pretty boxes are lovely for packing.
Yes, packing.
The itty bitty pieces of your life that is.

Packing stuff like that and locks of hair and babies teeth and hoping, praying, it's all gonna fit into this wee little glossy box.
Hope the rain doesn't get it either.
Not when you hold it like a treasure to your chest and walk out the front door.

Not when you leave it some place where no one will find it.
No one, that is except for wild animals you trust will properly tear all those itty bitty pieces of yourself up.

So that when you're ready, and when you come back to the box.
You'll find that, there's nothing to come back to.
There never was to begin with.

just for me

Okayyy,
that was rather unnerving.

Because i've linked up my multiply site with my blog(s), everything that i post under Charis Vera @ blogspot automatically pops up on my multiply blog.
I forgot that would include NLV Kaleidescope too.

So I went to my multiply site, and suddenly, right after my last couple of blog posts,
I saw that prophetic word. (I know for those of you reading my multiply site, this is super confusing)
I was like. freeze.
What in the world?

whew.
I'm thinking about how i think about it though.

Anyway, yesterday was fantastic.

Update due later(:

explique-

Dear Alastair,

So you finally replied me.
Finally, on MSN.

Except the only problem is that, it hasn't made anything clearer for me.

You won't tell me what started this, what any of it is supposed to mean or why you sent that bloody message to begin with!

"Can't you just not know?" You asked me.
Like it was something as trivial as a surprise present or something.
You try answering that.

It's not so much so not knowing, to be honest.
It's everything being put together.

Really.
Thanks for fucking stringing me along.
Thanks for tossing rubbish at me just for the bloody heck of it.

I've never understood you? Is that it?
Really now.

Well then, I suppose it would be just a tad bit worrying if I did start understanding you then.

You're so fucking unbelievable Alastair.
And it scares me to think that at one time, I was sure I understood you best.
Never thinking for a moment, that you might actually just say that to a half dozen others.

But oh really now.
I'm being silly.

Didn't I say I couldn't be bothered? Because i really can't.
Not anymore.


Enjoy yourself in Penang.
Have a nice life Alastair.


All my love,
Charis Vera

spelling it out, leaving no spaces

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

We have names for the characters in our life. And unless you're one of those characters, you usually don't know who's who for sure.

Sometimes blog posts are addressed to a certain someone.
Sometimes that certain someone gets it, and figures it's for him/her.
Sometimes they don't.
Well, this is for you.

Dear Alastair,

I don't know why I'm even bothering to talk about this here.
Perhaps because it's bugged me the entire day since my church service ended. Yes, thank you very much.
At first I was going to just write this letter and then burn it. But then, you'd never actually figure out all those things that I've thought about/wanted to say/ask/scream.
Every bit of this is for you, my dear.

So.
You sent me a text. A disturbing text. One that required explanation and answers to weird questions that popped up in my head. I called you back but the line got cut before it was picked up.
At first, I figured that you were busy or couldn't talk or something.
But after more calls that kept getting cut and messages that went unanswered, I finally understood-
You were ignoring me.

Fantastic.
And if there are excuses for every single one of those calls that got cut, then explain the calls to your home phone which you actually picked up for a bit and then hung up when i said hello.

"Can i safely say I don't trust you?"
Look, i even referred back to the original text message to make sure I got that right.
What kind of a question is that anyway? It's confusing in more ways than one.
I don't understand.
But oh yes, you'd then tell me "yea well, no one does."

So hon, you haven't answered my question yet.
The one that goes something like, "When are you gonna get tired of your own drama?"
Because really, I'm starting to think it's a bit of a problem you know. I rather think you're addicted to all this drama.

You probably just gagged reading that line. Maybe you're going to call up a friend to talk about what an insane psychotic bitch your ex is being. But i have a point, whether or not you want to believe it or admit to it.

Since that text message, I've been calling you and texting you and driving myself insane wondering what I might have done or what you've heard that's caused you to text what you did.
I'm sure there's a plausible explanation for whatever it is.
I'm sure if we cut out all the drama and talked, it'd be sorted out in no time.
But as is.

Maybe i'm pissed off because I couldn't answer the questions of
"Why does he still affect you like this?" Because i don't know the answer. Is there even an answer to that?
Maybe i'm annoyed because, after so long, it just took a single text message to get me feeling like i was in a fucking movie again.

This time though, I'm standing up and walking away.
I'm doing that because I realized that, I really can't be bothered anymore.

I think it's sad though.
You've always been special to me, even after the breakup. So much for you saying we might end up being like, best friends. Because (lets not even talk about best friends yet) friends don't send a random text, leaving the recipient in turmoil and then refuse to answer calls.
And after everything that we've been through, it's crazy, really, that this is the last straw.

I'll try ringing you, just one more time before I post this.
But then if the call gets cut-again, for like the millionth time- i'm just going to post this.
Maybe this is more for myself actually, than you.

Maybe I need to remind myself how pointless this all is and that's why i'm walking away.

How come other people don't have such grossly dramatic things happening to them a year after they break up? This can't be very normal, now can it sweetie?

So here we are.
Me writing this to you, seriously taking into consideration every single fucking thing that I'm putting in jeopardy.

Thing is, you started this.
You sent that message and right now, I still don't bloody know what i have or haven't done.
You cooked up this lovely little drama and the only thing that's different,
is that i really can't be bothered to feed into it anymore.

So yeah, I love you and you're special and it's amazingly unbelievable at this point that we could ever have been together (it's funny, isn't it?).
But right now, I can't be bothered.
I really can't.

You tell me darling, when you finally do tire of your melodrama.
Cos I probably would actually answer the damn phone call, despite my better judgment.

And at least i wrote it out for you.
Spelt everything out so that well, nothing's left between the lines for you to guess.

Love,
Charis Vera

CSMusic's Event at Blue Moo Cafe

This was exactly one month ago, on May 2nd 2008.
Besides us, performances were also done by Soul2Soul and Eric Lee + A2J.

This is long overdue, other than my brief "oh it was fantabulous, the performance" post.
haha.

So here are pictures.
More than that, all the seven songs we sang that night were recorded live and they don't sound too bad.
They're in the box on the right, below the box of demos(:

Create Le Voyage, an online Christian Magazine covered the topic of CCM in this recent issue.
CCM- Christian Contemporary Music.
They've traced it all the way back to the 70s which is pretty amazing if you ask me.
I got the chance to answer some of their questions too.

Check out the article at
http://createlevoyage.com/2008/05/brief-history-of-ccm-in-singapore-from.html
The Q&A section is right at the bottom.

I'll leave you guys to it!((:


Prayer/ Worship/ Prep right before the show.


I liked this shot. The black and white one's nicer but he's put it up on his blog already.
I SHALL BE DIFFERENT.
I like this shot(:
Smaller pictures means there was less of me to take, right?
Most of the rest i'm looking very pregnant.
And i'm not quite ready to let the world know yet. hahaha

Hello Mr Producer Guy!
I quite loved this shot. REALLY REALLY.

Each person has their In The Zone Look.
This is his when he's playing guitar.
He's got one for when he's on the computer too.
hahahaha


Singapore City Lights.
Hey, who knew it'd be this beautiful.
Yes, this is real even though it's fantastically tiny.
Sunset was goooorgeous.

Soul2Soul got the absolutely gorgeous rehearsal shots.
They've all got that beautiful sky behind them. haha

Morning Run

Desperate for time, can you tell?


FINALLYYYY.
We managed to sit down and eat after our set. haha.
Finallyyyy.

The review I did on The Leap Years is also out on Create Le Voyage.
http://createlevoyage.com/backstage/visualarts/2008/05/film-leap-years-by-mediacorp-raintree.html

Have fun darlings