Friday, July 29, 2011


I woke up from a dream where I was taking a break in the middle of teaching.
I get really edgy when I can't fully sit and bask in my morning routine. My morning routine of Cereal + Yoghurt + Greys' Anatomy. It upsets me.
Almost the way it used to upset me when I couldn't run.

I haven't been running.
I haven't run in about a month. Maybe more.
And I'm upset.
I'm upset because it's easier to be upset about it than put on my fucking shoes and fucking go run.
But I'm also upset because of how easy habits start out. How it always feels like as a person, I need a crutch, despite hating routines. Something to keep hanging on to throughout the day.
A run. Or even two, at some point. The ability to get away.
There was once it was the bottle. You know, at eight, nine in the morning. Or half two in the afternoon right after work.
It's been smokes before too. Though those were just infinitely easier to get my hands on. You tend to look less crazy if you're lighting up, as opposed to swigging from a bottle. Or opening the front door for your ex-boyfriend with a glass of red liquid. I've always picked looking less crazy, believe it or not.
Once, it was Muay Thai. I missed it, when I stopped. I miss it now.

Now, it's my breakfast routine.

I think what irks me is also how, just as easy as it is to start a habit or a routine, it's sometimes pretty easy to stop it. Most times anyway. Can't say that about the smokes.
The truth is, we don't really need a crutch. It's just comfortable with one.
Very comfortable.

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