Starting Point

Like habits, routines.

All it takes is that first step and enough of you to not go crazy about it. Except most times, you lose yourself to too much, get sick of it and call it quits.

Until.

Here, I will find a starting point.

I finally went back to Muay Thai. Except I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Wrapping my hands, something that used to be second-freaking-nature to me, I couldn't do it.

I hated that moment. The moment that I started and realized, "Nope, this isn't really right."

It took me that whole hour and a half to find that I'd found me. The one I'd left behind somewhere amongst the punching bags and gloves.

I also started on a Meisner class. I've missed repetition. And maybe I'm paying $400 just to be in the company of people who will learn it so that I will find someone I can do it with.

Maybe I'm going for all the wrong reasons.

Because, it sure as hell feels like I am.

I walk in, and yes, I'm looking to learn, but more than that, I'm looking to experience. Except, I can never re-experience. I can't go into that class and be looking for Alexis, for Summer, for Ina, for all those classmates I left behind at The Acting Corp. Because they're not there.

"Come up for a demo." He says. And I do.

The first person I ever did repetition with, was Steve. He's tall, with dark hair. Lanky, he played volleyball- lived in Hawaii for a while with his team, just playing. They were on telly all the time.

We were second up, maybe third.

"Cute smile," he begins.

Except we're stopped and I don't repeat it. Because I've stopped smiling by then. He didn't take me in fresh, he remembered the smile and then brought it up.

He'd thought about it before which goes against living in each moment.

I go up for this demo. And I think about Steve. I think about that tiny theatre space on the first floor of the building- the space I came into every morning of the week for Daily Actors' Workout.

But this isn't it. The activity is the same. Well, similar. The people are different. The environment's different. I am different.

And on a weird level, I feel like a shadow of myself.

I miss what I had at Actors' Boot Camp.

When I left, I thought, it'd be fun to go into repetition with a whole bunch of new people. It didn't matter much that i wasn't coming back for BC II with the same classmates. I wanted more. I wanted different.

Except.

I don't know if I'll get that. I don't know if I'll ever go back for BC II.

All I know is that I've started a class. And I want to learn, I want to see what's new and what's different.

But it's difficult when I'm half turned and wanting one of my classmates to read me. Read me, or try to. Here let me lay myself out open. No wait, I shan't. Because somehow, I don't really trust you. I don't feel like I can come here and open up.

Repetition is about being truthful-

Well here it is. I don't know if I actually want to be in that class right now.

It's been one class, just one. But I'm not riveted. I'm not captivated. I'm not gripped.

And I'm thinking, I could've used that money for Muay Thai.

But maybe, maybe, maybe, it'll get better.

Because I do want to learn. I do want to practice.

And I want to stop getting frustrated, and not even know what at.

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On a completely different note.

Jerry's party last night was nice. We had nice beehoon and chilli that he made himself. and I had three spritzers, and a few conversations with a few different people.

Got to chatting with Ethel and her boyfriend (who as it turns out, I've met before and is the older brother of someone I've worked with back in Y2Y- never good with names, only faces). Chatting with them was nice, albeit just about very general things.

I hope Jerry had fun, importantly. He did a lot of the running around and serving food.

After cake, we came home together, Nick being nice enough to drop us off at the main road, which made things infinitely easier.

So we got home, chatted with mommy for a bit, and I crawled into bed after her.

I made breakfast this morning, for all four of us. And that was nice.

All Sunday mornings should be like this.

We just need to work that into managing to get to church (and on time too), or we won't be a particularly good example for our kids):

The thought of the coming week is cheering me up considerably, after my rant-and-rave about the Meisner class.

I will go for a run tonight.

I've got a tattoo waiting for me.