Saturday, December 27, 2008

pretty damn long road

I hate not knowing where I'm going,
or being dependent on other people to get where I'm going.
More specifically, I hate knowing that what I'm doing isn't quite enough yet.

If i was told, straight out, that'd I'd be living in Singapore for as long as I'm not legal, it'd be better than hopping around on one foot thinking I'd up and leave at any time.
I'm not going to up and leave at any time.

I don't hate Singapore anymore, you know.
I used to blame the country for every single fucking thing.
Oh my God it's raining on Christmas because it's Singapore.
Oh my God, my hair looks like a bird built a nest in it and left baby juice all over the place BECAUSE I'm in Singapore.
But I grew up there, and all my closest, best friends are there.
No matter where I "up and leave" to, I'll keep coming back to Singapore. (I always said it'd be a fantastic holiday place!)

What do I want to do now?

I'm pretty damn lucky because my mom's not blocking me off from going anywhere. She's not even forcing me to get a scholarship because Uni fees cost an arm, a leg and all my Aldo shoes! She's always like, "If you wanna go there, I'll work it out and get you there."
So I'm pretty damn fucking lucky, I realize.

Sure, I want to get out of Singapore because I don't want to LIVE there.
But just so you know, it's not because I hate the place.
It's because I'm not home, and I'm not settled.

I've got a blog post talking about how I would never have things planned to the T. I plan to NOT plan in most cases.
But are the root of all those insecurities and little girl wants, I just really want to be settled.
To know that the house I come back to even after moving away for years, is mine, and is quite like how I remember it. I want to call it home, and not look around at things and wonder what I can chuck to make more space and to make moving less of a hassle.
Since I was four, everytime I blew out candles and made a wish, I wished to go back home, to UK. When I turned eight, I wished for mommy to come back home. I got that wish and went back to wishing for UK up til I turned twelve.
Then, every single wish I made, birthday or no birthday, coins-in-wells, 11:11s, shooting stars, I wished for our application to come through.

I didn't do that this year though.
I didn't want a cake, I didn't know what to wish for.
I guess I sort of had an inkling which I couldn't put words to. That was that I want to be settled.
I want to say,
"hey let me show you around my home."
I want to find something I left in a corner for twenty years.

I'm thinking, that after my Associates Degree, I might just stay in Singapore for a couple more years just to save on cost and stuff like that. Besides, my new place, once it's tidied up, won't be so bad(:
I don't know man, you can ask me when I'm back.

But whatever, I'll be back here for a month next year anyways.


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