Food for the soul

Erika just came over with chicken and century egg porridge and tau fu fah for the family. Not everyone gets sick food brought to them when they're ill.
I am theee luckiest girl in the world(:

Santa Monica Dreaming

We'll hop into something with an open top, pick turns at random and go down dirt roads we don't know.
I'll stop being such an idiot with my words and ill-timing, and we'll spend hours driving through towns people have forgotten.

Let's walk through cemeteries and let them tell us stories, sneak under broken fences to chase a butterfly. Lie in grassy fields still wet with last night's promises, take on the world one pizza slice at a time.

There's a difference when you're travelling because you're looking, and seeing things because you're travelling.
I don't think I'd be looking anymore, so maybe it'd be nice to go see things. And maybe it'd be nicer if I got to see them with you.
And maybe, you wouldn't mind the idea of seeing things with me too.

Just like a drawer that's been stuck

And you've yanked it open to find an immense collection of polaroids- snapshots of all the things that make you happy.

For me, that's you.

But His joy comes in the morning

What a sad Easter service I've just had. Well technically, I don't think it was a service but let's not split hairs.

I found myself in tears this morning. I've never been struck with such utter sadness in church before. Of course I've listened to the occasional homily or sermons or speeches and found myself in disagreement. I have also left, in some cases, because when that need to rise and leave hits me (and it only does rarely), I pay attention to it.
Today was. I don't know, I don't know what it was exactly- it wasn't anything specific as much it was the general feel of it. And yes, the energy of the congregation wasn't the highest, but that, to be honest, was one of the last reasons.

Mostly it was what I was hearing from the man at the pulpit. (I don't know if they call it pulpits too, forgive me.) But yes, despite actually quite liking the Priest who spoke today, I was rather taken aback by some of the things he said and now I'm just...
Well I am left feeling very sad, to be quite honest. Not just, "oh this is kinda sad don't you think?" Kind of sad. Rather a, sit and cry sort of sad. A, i-need-to-run-into-a-church-with-a-massive-black-choir-singing-for-all-they're-worth-type of sad.
And I might hit anyone who tries any kind of charismatic-type preaching with me today.

Easter's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be happy and joyous. Children are supposed to be in the front row, their legs dangling off the pews, colourings of their easter egg cut-outs in hand.

oh but then (and only just as I finished my last paragraph),
Leann Rhimes' I Need You comes on the radio and realize, I didn't need to be in church to be reminded of what You are in my life. Didn't need to be in church to worship. Because everything I needed to say today spills from that song.





And You're the hope that moves me to courage again

Or maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity, combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills will leave us like a love letter in a landfill. But whatever, however, whenever this ends, I want you to know that right now, I love you forever.

-- Andrea Gibson

No snow this winter either

But what if I told you, that all I really want, is just to be happy?

I'm done trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. Really.
I just want to bloody get on with it already. Learn the stuff, feel the pain, have all these breakdowns I seem to be having and just get through it and come out the other end alive. I want this bit of my life to just get on by.
I'm done trying to suss out why I'm not better at being in school, why I'm so adverse, why this and that. I'm done.
Just be okay already.

Somebody fix me.

On a random note-

Thank you Victor, for Saturday night. I think I needed that(:

Rainy days and mondays (or rainy days that are mondays)

Always get me down

I stopped singing that song years ago- mainly when I started working. Because the two worst things that would happen to me on a rainy day was soaking my flats and not being able to get a cab to work.
But also because I've always loved rain, and I never minded Mondays- whether I had work or not.

Days like this make me wonder why I couldn't be the sort of person who was able to function in school.
That's a thought that's going to last me the whole day, clearly.

Perhaps I'm missing the violin-playing goat.

Here's the thing you see, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Not at all.

I don't need to have a lot of money, or a huge car or a big house with a Steinway Grand sitting in the foyer. I don't need my company to be huge and famous, I don't need to have my songs on the radio or be signed by a big label.

I'm a girl who like sitting by windows with a book on a rainy afternoon. Who likes waking up early just to cook breakfast for the people I love. Who sighs in contentment over a good cup of coffee. I'm the girl who works really hard, but can find rest in the fifteen minutes between classes. Who tears up watching her kids perform, who opens up her arms and says "Come here sweetie," when they're breaking down because they thought they didn't do well on stage.

I'm the girl on the bus who smiles as she passes big open fields, who can spend afternoons watching people ride horses in an open order class. Who writes, and dreams and breathes in her life, every day.

That's the thing I'm struggling with now-

That I know it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. It's not like I'm never satisfied. And I know exactly what to do to fix this. I know what I can do that will make it all fall into place even if I do become the epitome of a poor, struggling actor.

And where I'm in now was never supposed to be about helping me earn more money anyway. All the actors from this side of town are known to shy away from the commercial side.

If it's not about the money, then surely I'm supposed to find amazing joy in the learning process, no? Surely I'm meant to love each bit of it, not caring about how long or how short the course is and only wondering about what might come next.

And I wish it was like that.

I wish I did.

My dose of family this weekend

The most beautiful thing in the world happened this evening.

After I ended my call, I lean across the table,
"Erika says Happy Birthday, daddy."
"Erika's birthday?" My four year old baby sister asks.
"No, Jiejie Erika was saying Happy Birthday to daddy. Do you remember Jiejie Erika? The one with short hair?"
She takes a moment to consider this, and then looks up at me.

"Oh, your friend?"
"Mmmhmm, you remember her?"
She beams at me.
"Why do you love her?" She asks. I notice how her mom glances up to see how I'm reacting to this. I smile widely and let out a short laugh.
"Hmmm, becauseeee, she's a really nice person. Really nice."
She doesn't look at me like I'm wrong, or that it's different that we're not talking about a boy. In fact, she looks most interested and shifts between clutching the white tablecloth shyly and excitedly asking me questions.

"Are you going to marry her?"
And I laugh and say,
"Hmm, that's a really good question baby, but I don't really know yet. That depends."

I've never seen eyes like my baby sister's in relation to my relationship. Not because I've been getting frowned at, but because, whether or not people are accepting, we're all just fully aware of being in a world where we're a minority.
I've never had someone ask me if I'll marry my girlfriend, as if the entire world was alright with it.

wish you were here

In one of those ideal worlds-

which this isn't, obviously,

people would be able to say, "I want to act, even if it makes me poor!" and jump into it.

People would miraculously be able to do exactly what they want, while juggling family and financial commitments. People wouldn't have nervous breakdowns or go home to abuse of any sort.

We wouldn't constantly have to rush around, in a desperate attempt to find rest.

It's been a surprisingly, no, shockingly empty sort of week. Or weekend, whatever you want to call it. To a large extent, I'm, I don't know what it is- numb, empty, tired, sad. It's sort of all mixed up. I missed a lot of school this week, so I had a heightened awareness of the emptiness I was left with at home.

And then Friday came about, with a renewed sort of energy and that was nice. Cooking at home and having friends over is always nice.

I didn't mind my Saturday either, and it was funny how, as the timings changed, and things moved up, I found myself trying to cram in more things. I'm so used to hustling about that I've forgotten how to breathe. It wasn't until I'd gotten on the bus and the train home that I realized just how tired I was, that I noticed how my legs ached and how much I just really wanted to sit down.

I'm taken aback at this weekend because, most often, it's just this messy rush of choosing people to spend time with, choosing the right time to go out, struggling to find a fraction of a second where I can just stop and slump against a wall. I don't have that this weekend. And you'd think that'd make it easier except-

Well, in one of those ideal worlds, which this obviously isn't,

schedules aren't a problem, and things always fall into place.

But as I've cosied up in my empty apartment, with the telly on (because it makes it sound like the family's around) and surrounded by fresh laundry that I'm working my way through, I've lent thought to the week ahead. Which to be honest, isn't just going to be a week.

Love Song, the musical, goes up in exactly twenty days.

We have just over a fortnight until Tech week.

After the 21st, I have a Kuttiyatam-intensive week that will follow, ending off with three performances in a single day.

Post Modular Lab comes right after that.

And then a week of all the other classes and their assessments that we'll work on.

My stomach has gone back to that oh-so-familiar clench that lurches me into wanting to grab handfuls of free time whenever I can. But I breathe and notice how I woke up with my head heavy and my body aching. Then I breathe again and think, well, this is my last weekend isn't it? It's the last weekend where I will not be rushing around anywhere. Where I will feel like my head's awfully heavy but that it's okay to go into my room for a nap. Where I will get to sit on my couch, typing away at Maxine and realize, I don't have the lights on but it's bright as day.

Because it is, y'know, bright as day.

And there's a load in the dryer, filling the laundry room with the smell of clean, fresh clothes, and I've got a few hours left to myself.

Even though it's not, y'know, one of those ideal worlds.

This'll do, I believe, this'll do.

I know what this feels like

I wanted to tell you about an uncomfortable spot I found myself in while acting.

But more than that I've been wanting to just..

Can cold nights make you fall in love
Promises be wrote in the sand
Fingerprints left on your skin
By an imaginary hand

And toilet paper love letters weren't meant to be sent

The one you find yourself waiting for

It's funny, all the things that could've happened this Saturday night.

They're called rabbit holes, each one being an alternate universe that plays out a different scenario.
And in so many of the infinite scenarios, she didn't fall asleep alone. Much less feeling like this.

Only

When you're beautiful.

Note to self

The more you learn about what you don't know, the more you realize what you don't know.

I don't understand what this means. I don't understand why I am here, looking, searching. I sit, excited about so much, so much, so much more.

But my problem is that I cannot sit still now, here. I am reaching for more.

I'm always reaching for more but people tell me I'm not reaching enough and I-

I don't understand this, or what it means.

I was in a place that I loved, that I wanted to be. That I wanted to be for the rest of my life, more or less, until the next thing would take me.

And what I did was that I tried-

Leapt off this platform onto another one that was supposed to bring me closer to where I wanted to be. But wasn't I there already?

Then, then while on this platform I see another. And it's not richer or greener, but it's different and new and will help me in the long run. I want to hear and learn and fill, but I can't because I can't stay still. I'm on this moving, tilting platform, dodging bullets, hanging on to corners as it flips over and over, and I know I'll be better for it eventually. I know The Next Platform, will say, "You've passed that one, come over here now."

And that platform's supposed to bring me closer to where I wanted to be.

But,

wasn't I there already?

I don't want to pick what's easier, what's simpler. Believe me, I will never settle for less.

But I, I wasn't settling was I? I wasn't telling myself to stay because there was no where else left to go and nothing else left to do.

I loved my life as much as I was in love with it.

It felt like I was there already.

And when I go back, I will be in a better place- I know this. And maybe then I'll find I can sit still longer. Maybe then I can say, "Well I did this one thing, and came back to a fuller, richer version of my life."

So stay, Charis. As long as you can.

It won't makes sense to leave too early.

What Is Theatre To You?

I stepped into a blackbox yesterday afternoon.

It was a decent space, although set up as one would a proscenium. The actors had absolutely no training, they came from various background (some performative and some not) and they had one thing in common-

They were studying Pharmacy.

The question of What Is Theatre has been posed to me over and over again since before school began and moreso, when it did. Some people look at poorer spaces and say it is an insult to call the work there "Theatre" and conversely, some people look at the commercialized productions with the big names and big sets and big music and say that is the further away from Theatre than anything else.

I walked into that space yesterday, and by the end of the performance I thought-

"This. This is Theatre and this is precisely what I live for."

Why?

Because Theatre, real theatre is something that respects its audience.

It respects the craft and it respects each individual. What worked here was that every single actor was, in their own way, connected to the script.

It's not about crying on cue. Crying on stage does not make one a good actor.

What makes a good actor, what makes for an amazing piece, is honesty. And that is what I saw in front of me yesterday.

As much as I liked the recent staging of Spring Awakening, this tiny devised piece-

The Odd Pea In The Pod, with tickets at a quarter of a price and performed in a space much smaller, with limited sets and no live music and actors who were new to the stage spoke to me so much more.

And here's the thing-

That sure, rehearsals and technique and direction and projection play a huge part. But at the end of the day, what matter was the truth in that performance. No one, no school, no amount of training can teach actors to be truthful if they are not. Yes, Meisner comes close but it's funny how that is a retraining of actors to stop over-dramatizing everything.

All this brought me back to my massively tumultuous week and my love-hate relationship with school. It's not pushed me into staying put for the while, but it served as a beautiful reminder of why I'm here and why, when I go back to work, I will continue to do what I did.

Because working with raw talent and real stories and honesty and a keen-ness that I have seen in every single one of my students-

That is what I call Theatre. That is what I wake up for in the mornings on days that I am running a high fever and my voices sounds like I've spent the night swallowing knives.

Seeing that journey, and watching my kids go through that and change and grow as individuals and to finally, get to a point where they go on stage and make themselves emotionally available to the audience seated in plush seats,

That is Theatre for me.

And I realize, that's what I want.

Pity party

I should stop saying the things I do, even in jest-
It's going to start making me look crazy

It'll come in the morning

John 16v22

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

I walked in, the scent of freshly brewed coffee filling my person as I climbed up the stairs, and I stepped right back into safety. And that's all I felt; Safe.

That I was somewhere I could breathe, and be. That I was singing with everything I was worth and you know, the Lord didn't give two hoots about whether or not I was using my intercostal muscles (which I was) or breathing into my diaphragm (which I also was) or connecting my breath to the thought (definitely was doing that).

I've been sad. Well maybe not sad, per say, but I haven't been happy and that's been difficult and trying and...

It's difficult to just, to be, y'know?

And boy, it's been a bloody long week if you ask me. I needed today, and I am grateful for today. Because I am reminded that there's just that bit more in me.

Just that bit more.

Amidst The Flowers A Jug Of Wine

Amidst The Flowers A Jug Of Wine

Amidst the flowers a jug of wine, 

I pour alone lacking companionship. 

So raising the cup I invite the Moon, 

Then turn to my shadow which makes three of us. 

Because the Moon does not know how to drink, 

My shadow merely follows the movement of my body. 


The moon has brought the shadow to keep me company a while,
The practice of mirth should keep pace with spring.
I start a song and the moon begins to reel,
I rise and dance and the shadow moves grotesquely.
While I'm still conscious let's rejoice with one another,
After I'm drunk let each one go his way.
Let us bind ourselves forever for passionless journeyings.
Let us swear to meet again far in the Milky Way.

Li po

Today, just today I want very much to say, Fuck You.

I did not need to be talked to like that at the end of the class. No, it's not like I'm doing you guys a huge favour and I won't make it sound as such.
But I just did not need that kind of tone or attitude. Especially not today.

Christ, and I thought I was the one who had started on my time of the month. Dude, really?

Between the lines

if the only way I'd stand the slightest chance at surviving the next three years is for me to forget what it means to be the person I am, if it takes losing myself and disappearing, if it means I spend most afternoons like today's where I'm bawling even as I chant shlokas with all of my being, then okay.
Sure, I might think that it'd be infinitely less emotionally draining if I were an accountant and no, I don't even know right now if I'll last.
But it's 6.45pm on a Thursday afternoon and by some miracle, I am alive. So maybe God kinda likes me.
And I'll just keep trying.

Maybe this isn't good. Maybe I'll go act on all those lovely scenes and images I've had playing out in my head as I fall asleep.
But right now I'm still alive and I don't have a knife in my arm.

----------------------

Most times, your number is the one I'm just about to dial when I feel like this. But then I tell myself it's easier if you didn't know.

There are some old habits that are sometimes very difficult to outrun.
And what is frightening is the violent urgency with which your body is seized and the bizarre entwined feeling of relief and frustration as you collapse and say yes to yourself.
Yes to what you feel you can't block out anymore because you're just so tired of having to block out all the things that essentially, make you all wrong.

Hot Chocolate

Like good, hearty breakfasts.
Like a warm coffee house in the middle of winter, an hour before midnight and right after a decent run.
Like fireplaces, a large soft couch and Enya playing above the crackling of wood.
Like kisses on your nose, and reaching for each other's hand under the table when you're in public.

Like time, for all of that.
Like tasting the rest of your life on the edge of your lips.
Like wondering where you are and how to find yourself again

Chasm

The problem, I suppose, with accessing one of your loveliest memories that make you utterly happy,
Is that you remember, all too well, what it felt like to honestly be happy.

Old best friends

They haven't been for a while now,
So Charis, don't you dare start again.

----------------------

Tonight I am numb.
I am numb and cold and empty.

----------------------

I know I made you mad
And in all these things that I might feel,
I just mostly wish I didn't go about things all wrong.
Because it seems I do that a lot when I feel like this.

-----------------------

Run.
On promises to yourself that you know you'll break
On the shards of your wrongs that line the soles of your shoes.
Run. Keep running

I'm not unhappy. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
There's a difference between being unhappy and just, not happy. And now I'm just not happy. Although I'm leaning dangerously close to being unhappy.
I don't hate this, not at all. I like it, I like it very much- the learning especially. I love all the new things I'm learning, all these wonderful concepts and history that I wouldn't otherwise have known. And I'm putting it to immediate use too.
But somehow despite that, I'm not happy.

If I said this out loud, some people might tell me to "choose to be happy". I think you can choose, up to a certain point. I never chose to be happy about work, about waking up at six in the morning, about losing my voice every other week. I never chose that. And yet I was happy. I was completely and utterly happy- with my life, with my work with the way I was, with myself as a person.

I miss that you know. I miss just being happy.
Fuck, I'll live on next to nothing, on a pay cheque that either stays at the same low number or one that goes up and down (sometimes down to nothing on some months) if it just meant me being happy again.
My cat could die, and I would walk into the classroom the next day and escape, take myself out of it for a while. I could hold myself together.
The fuck is this? I'm falling apart as I do bloody TaiChi or movement! And not cos my cat died either. In fact my life on the outside is going perfectly. I'm just blanking out for about ten hours a day. It feels like ten hours a day where I cease to exist, as opposed to finding parts of me.
It's like I live for the moments before and after and surely, surely there is something wrong.
Isn't there?

I missed out on my goodnight phonecall this evening. She rang at half ten and I said I'd be with her real quick, and I thought I would except-
I was still rushing work. Homework, to be precise.

I'm not a baby about things like this, or not being on the phone, but I liked that she called just to check in. Mostly, I hate that I thought I'd be done in a tick and I wasn't.
And right now I am sad and upset and frustrated in a most peculiar, mixed up sort of way.

It's just about midnight now.
I'm in bed, and I should sleep. My bag's not packed, and I will tomorrow but. It was my birthday getaway bag this week, when we went off for a few days. Completely unpacking it to put in school things would mean stepping fully back into what makes up my current everyday.
And I am resentful.
I'm hanging on by a thread and asking myself why. Because I miss my life. I really, really do.
I miss stopping to talk to my family, having time for drinks with my friends and cooking with my girlfriend. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss waking up and liking it.
I really miss that.
Just. Y'know, waking up and being really excited about my life and all geared up to go. Ohmyword, I miss that so much.

Because waking up everyday and almost wishing you were dead, that sorta takes its toll on you y'know.

Exist

The way we could sit in the same room- whether at opposite ends or right beside each other and just be there.
Not necessarily talking or even doing the same things but just be in the same space together , y'know?
That's what I've missed.

So, some Tuesday, and what news it brought-
Some of it comes with a breath of relief, some with immense, immense sadness. The sort of sadness that fills the base of your throat and chokes you up even though you're just listening.

More news that I need to get my head wrapped round though is
1) The performance week of Kuttiyatam has been brought forward. This means that it'll be right around the corner from, if not the same week as, Love Song- the musical I'm currently working on with Ethan.
Oh wait, that's not all! The end of Traditional Theatre marks the week of Post Modular Lab which ends in a final performance and assessment upon which we will be graded.
And right after that will be presentation week for all the other modules.

2) I have just found out that I will not have my Christmas holidays and that the third round of Traditional Theatre (Noh) will begin the day after Christmas!

So.
READYGETSETGO!

Don't close your eyes

I haven't done this in a while,
Forgive me,
Give me time to clear my mind

But don't close your eyes
Don't give me the chance to run away
I've got a habit of doing that sometimes
Couldn't we just, hold on a little longer
Don't close your eyes

But it's always getting late

Didn't we say we never wanted to go to bed mad at the other?

The second time we went out

It doesn't feel like too long ago, that I passed here with you-
Past midnight, after a drink that went well with the live music and, not entirely sure how we were gonna do it but, walking in the general direction of home.
We were marching about, looking stupid at, what, two in the morning? And laughing at ourselves; Me in my six inch heels, and you in your skate shoes-
both those pairs of shoes which have since been laid to rest.
My, has it really been that long because I-

Now I'm passing this place, on the bus back to you, where you're busy cooking dinner right about now. And I get to put down my things and ask how I can help. I get to bring back dessert to go with dinner and sit on the couch with you.
I get to hear you rant about your day, and rant to you about mine.

And mostly, I get to tell you I love you just before I fall asleep.

Reaching for holidays

This is what it feels like-
Like I'm always rushing to do nothing. To find a five minute gap I can say I deserve.

I'm grateful for what I have on the outside, because it's a little bit of something I get to hold on to.
And then, sometimes, I feel like stealing away to a dark corner for a couple of months.

Crack

A car needs to come and hit me now

Fear tastes like the iron in blood you're not drawing from yourself

"Oh yes, yes I know. And you know, you just gotta let go."
No, I want to say, no you don't know. I'm trying with all that I am and I'm not using this as any kind of excuse, but you don't know.
And to continually come at me, even after, with the full force that your ignorance is weighed with-
No, it's not your fault. You don't know, and that's okay. But it just got more difficult when you wanted to insist on your advice that clearly wasn't pushing me into a place I was comfortable in.

"Okay guys, no matter what, you have to go in now-"
"Okay, okay we're just-"
"No." She says, and her voice is quiet but so, so firm. "No, sometimes we just can't. We are not machines. And I have heard something that just, that just goes beyond all of any of this. So."
And in that instance, I am so grateful, so grateful for her.

"Hey, so how're you? Y'know with-"
"Yeh well, c'est la vie right?"
"It'll pass man, it'll pass."
Yeah, I think. What doesn't, after all? And that's what I did too-
I lay there, and just waited for it to pass.

I always do, don't I?

Play

Haven't been out like this in a long, long while- and to a large extent, I wish I'd used this time to claim my much needed sleep. But then again, there are hardly days like this, and I stayed for all the good songs,
And one of my best friends won't be around for a while.
Plus, I'm sober as a rock, smoke-free and my driver's going at 140 on the freeway.

If you ask me, I think it was worth it.

If walls could talk

Stay?

They would see me in your arms in ecstasy.

Chasing Pavements

This morning, as I do some mornings, I wake with a thought nestled somewhere in the blurry, sleepy haze in my head.
Well to be honest, I wake up every single morning with that thought there, some mornings it is just more present than it is absent- but all the same it is there.

And this morning it is there again; like a curled up, dozy cat, watching me as I move about my room in a flurry, shoving non-fat yoghurt with flaxseeds and banana slices into my mouth, timing it so I can chew as I yank on my pants and dab concealer on my face. She is patient and knows full well that I am, at least somewhat, aware of her presence. Sometimes she yawns, widening her eyes and staring in my direction, head tilted, as I slow down for two extra seconds daring myself to catch a breath.

She is the thought that this is, maybe, wrong.
It isn't self-doubt, it isn't thinking that I won't make it; because I know, to be completely honest, that even if it means grinding my teeth to nothing and bleeding myself dry, I will put myself through this if I really, really want to.
She is an idea made up of the knowledge that my life is on suspension, that there is a world I am actively turning away from for this, that some mornings I wake and want to curl back up.
And most times, I quieten her with the knowing that when this is done, I will be better for it. That everyday I learn things that I put to use and am, in fact, putting to use right now in rehearsals or auditions outside of my school life.

But some days, like today, I wake up tired. And I am tired of feeling the way I do- like it's not easier to pick myself up and scurry off to school, like maybe I'm just the sort who can't function within a structure like this. Like I have always, always chosen to be the person who picks what makes you happy. And even though I know I will be happy in the long run, after all this, after taking and soaking up and keeping, I can't look you in the eye right now and tell you that this makes me happy.
Because believe it or not, actors are not liars.

----------------
I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Conversations at home

"Baby, you should be coming home to me like this every monday night."
"I should be coming home to you like this every night, period."

And you know, you'd be so worth this wait(:

Figure it out

She'll love you when you're beautiful

The soles of my feet

Are all worn out,
I'm tired of fighting a fight we didn't even mean
to start. I say, it comes with.
That you're not wrong, that
It's no one's fault at all except maybe
Mine

For stars, if they'd like to fall this way

I wish it were easier to tell you just how much I miss you

Why do people talk, if it just feels like they're talking at each other?

Sometimes it feels like we're still new-
Like I don't know where I stand, or what you think, or what you're thinking and if I'm thinking too much.
Sometimes it feels like we're still green-
Because there aren't feelings that have tired themselves out yet; the feeling of being disconnected, out of touch, out of sync. But of course, also the simpler feelings- like missing you, like comfort, like contentment.

The uncertainty, the wondering, the time spent wondering, that comes with being new, it isn't always a good thing though is it?
And
Why is it that sometimes things just absolutely need to have the chance to hurl themselves at you all at once?

Because this isn't supposed to be so painful.
Or this difficult. Or hurt like this.
And school was supposed to be more than enough reason to feel like I'm broken, like I'm breaking, like I'm alone while falling apart and falling apart while I'm alone.
And the dark little boxes I had for hiding, I gave them space for two, I did.
So this, this wasn't supposed to feel like this. It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad.

And tonight, oh tonight, I wasn't supposed to be such an absolute mess.

Thursdays that aren't half days anymore

If you wanted to know-
Half of today was lovely, and half of it was horrifying.
Both halves overlap at some point, so there's an excess bit of today that was okay. Of course, all before half past six this evening.
The horrifying bits were painful (in a I've-been-hit-in-the-face-with-realization- kinda way), were stretched, were absurd. The lovely only came with half of the horrifying bits.

One of the open boxes (funny how I've only just realized there was more than one) was anger.
There's a difference between drama and drama in psychology though-
Here, we're merely opening boxes to access those feelings.
So.

But if you're asking me about today, I'd tell you it was okay.
It was.

Perk

I'm looking forward to Hatha Yoga on Saturday.
And if I can run today or tomorrow or Saturday or Sunday or all of the above or a combination of some days and not others, I will be very happy.

On a random note, even though for a split second I found myself missing living on my own for a bit and coming home after work, I am impossibly upset that mommy's going out of town.
That's one too many thinks to cry about, need the universe to cut me some slack.

And stop playing with knives

Crack-lines

I broke today, in front of an audience. That wasn't really part of the plan and I guess I didn't have my Game-Face fitted on properly.

There isn't a psychology behind it, no analytical, calculated reason.
"Listen to what your body wants to say today. Just, listen."
And my body felt like being a ball, and curling up, and seeking comfort.

And maybe she'll love her in the morning, when the night's done its work and burnt stains off her skin.
When her hair doesn't smell of tomorrow's sin.
Maybe she'll love her in the morning,
When the lipstick stain on the wineglass isn't so red,
When her body isn't so sad.

Maybe, you'll
love her in the morning-

How come even on the loveliest days, I still end up crying?

"I love you,"
"I don't know that." He'd said

-------------------

There are some words you shouldn't say, because emotions lie nestled inside another and feeling one thing always opens up to feeling another, to feeling another.
There are some hurts you shouldn't speak of. Because it's easier to get the bottle of alcohol yourself, bite your arm and disinfect the wound than speak of it and only wish you hadn't.

And maybe there are some stories you weren't meant to tell, trials you weren't meant to speak of, cuts you're meant to pull your sleeves over.
Because empathy is a lot easier to find than the person you're looking for.

The way she breathes, I feel like I might cry

Love me like you always have?

The number you have dialed is not in use, please try again later.

Wrong.

This is wrong, it's all wrong.

We're not meant to be like this, standing on roadsides watching cars run past like they've got lives while you scuff your sneakers in the sand and try to tell yourself you're not crying.

Because I'm not supposed to be crying; Not for the time I don't have, and the conversations I can't hear and the red tints of dawn that I always miss because I'm still on the train for two and a half minutes too long.

I'm not supposed to feel so broken while doing something that has always held me together, I'm not supposed feel like I can't catch up with myself. Because how long is it going to be before I finally can, and when I do, I'd rather punch myself in the nose because I think I'd need a little bit of physical brokenness to understand the sharp edges of the pieces inside me.

If my life is only on suspension, why does it feel like I need to be expelled?

Why do my fingers know better how and what to say while my lips bite down on themselves lying, breaking, bleeding?

Sometimes I feel like I cannot do this.

I can't look at clocks and keep crying, can't look at people and keep counting, counting, counting-

The places they hold tension in as they speak, the times the corner of their left eye twitches when they're fibbing, how many hours I have left to be here with them, how many hours I have left to sleep, to wake, to sit through until I can go back to staring at a clock and will the hands to move slower, how many minutes faster I took for my run, how many minutes I have left to get to class, how many calories before I remember what a bad habit it is to count them.

To count at all.

And if math was never my best subject, I shouldn't be starting now.

If the number I've dialed isn't in use, I don't see why I should try again later. Because if it isn't anymore, then I don't think anyone's coming back to it.

And maybe I'm not coming back to me, maybe I won't, maybe I never will.

And I am afraid of that because I never understood the concept of denying yourself. Except it's all that's being asked of us now.

But to of course, embrace the fact that you can't learn to fly before you've got wings

so.

What am I supposed to do, really?

How long is this going to happen for,

because I'm not meant to be standing by roadsides watching cars run past like they've got lives while I scuff my sneakers in the sand and try to tell myself I'm not crying.

There are parts of me that are missing

Tonight, my hair smells the way it did in Perth. And I'm wearing the jammies that I did over there.
My body soap reminds me of LA- even though the most recent times I've gone back, I haven't used body soap that smelt like this.

Sometimes, and a lot more recently to be honest, I figure I could do this. I could stay.
Because you love your work and I love your work and I love that you love your work. And because, to be honest, it'd be easy for me to work here. And I could. And I love my work, and I love working here.
But mostly because home is exactly where you are.

Then sometimes I find myself missing these places. These places I've felt so at home in, so comfortable in. Places where I've felt it okay to be me. Where I've walked streets and felt like there couldn't possibly be anything more at home, than feeling my footfalls against this concrete pavement. On nights like tonight, I watch the rising steam fall against the rest of the bathroom as I towel myself and find myself half expecting, half wishing, that it'll be too cold when I step out.

It would make sense here, it would. It would be easy, relatively easier in comparison.
But then, what about all those times I feel like staring out windows and missing all these places so much? Because aside from how the air seems to rest itself just nicely on my skin when I'm there, there's my family, and I miss them too.
And I know I don't have to decide just yet, but it's just been something on my mind.

On nights like tonight, I miss being home with you, that's for sure. But I also find myself missing feeling like I'm home.

We can make the night last forever

Let's you and me go home, go run away.
Go somewhere we can be

Insight

It's conversations like last night's that I am immensely grateful for-
That I can have them at all, let alone with someone I am so close to.

That there are parallels that are drawn, and a different perspective to what may or may not work for me without putting me in a box. That I am given a take so full and rich but also coloured in and shaded with truth and often times, personal opinion. I think in general I am grateful for all round support from my family and such but last night in particular.

So, for last night, Thank you Erika-
For being an amazing support and my devil's advocate all at the same time. You're all the world to me(:

------------------
It's taken me three weeks to fully arrive, and four and a half to be more honest with myself about where I stand and what I might feel.
I think the truth of it will always scare me. Or the possibility of it being truth at least.
The notion that this frame, this setting, might not work for me.
That being said I don't want to just end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Once one is decided- there's no changing it. So if, for instance, I say, "I can't do this, this isn't my thing." Then I won't be able to do this.
I will fully acknowledge the immense difficulties on various levels of course. And I will fight for time for myself, and fight wholeheartedly for the need to be and to not get lost or run away from myself.
But I'm not going to write myself off or throw in the towel.

I'm going to give this a shot, and more importantly, I'm going to give myself a shot. Even if it feels like I'm clawing at chalkboards.
I deserve to say, "At least I tried."

While I drown in your body,
Get lost in your charm

and I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking

the way you hold me feels like home

your fingers, like magic on my skin

I've been missing you in all the wrong ways

Not in an I-want-to-call-it-quits kind of way, but I guess, this week I was struck by how much closer it felt when you were further away.
So,
during one of my lunch breaks, I sat on stone steps, stared out into empty apartments and cried.

And we've talked, and been talking, and I like it and it's getting better.
But I'd really like you to see that I don't want anything from you. I don't. You don't need to do anything for me, or try exceptionally hard, or try at all, really.
Because I miss you in the way where you're just you- laid back and happy and sleepy at all the weirdest times of the day and having a full meal during tea.

I miss you just being able to be.

Sometimes I feel like bits of me are breaking off

Are breaking off, are breaking off.
as one always tends to, I find myself reaching for things that remind me of who I am. That remind me I am still here. That I can still be.

For this, I am grateful that I am consumed mostly by school and the work. That the ache, the questions, the hollowness that breathes through my spine sometimes, only creeps up on me when I steal away to stare out at vast empty spaces that only make me miss you more than I ought to.

Failing miserably at trying

I don't,
I can't do this right now. This is so hard.

Please stop

For me. Just for me

"Close your eyes," he says, leaning my weight against him.

And so I do.

For to fill up your soul

"Excuse me, but what you were doing just now, I found it intriguing. What, what was it you were doing?"
---------------------

We're all a collection of movements, of moments, of conversations, of snippets of conversations. Of things we have seen and the things that we see, of split second decisions, shocks of impulse to which we see through to the end of the line.

That, that's what is intriguing.

When in doubt

Go back to what you know.
Carve out a routine,
And hang on tight.
-------------------
It's been three weeks since I've gone for yoga. By pure chance and great fortune, not only did I manage to get to yoga, but I got to Niru's Hatha.
Niru being the instructor I'm most comfortable and familiar with.

And in that hour, I was awash with a sense of relief and fulfilment. For the first time since school started, a feeling of-
Hey, I can do this.
You know, like I'm actually doing something right

To call home

I suppose I've always been one with my head in the clouds.
But it seems almost as possible as it is pretty, almost close enough to see.
And I know I get carried off in thought, and think about next week while drowning in this one. But there are lovely things that come of dreaming sometimes.

And so I'm sitting here, on steps that lead to absolutely nowhere. Staring into the most beautiful apartments with spaces filled with family evenings and couches breathing with secrets and lives that are being lived.
And I am sitting here, with the thought of you.

It's all these little things

I swapped back to my old shampoo. That is, the same shampoo she uses.

This must be the worst time for my hair to smell like hers, honestly speaking.

Yes, I know I'm being a complete sap.

And then today in class, Robin breezes in and fills the room with Perth. And I'm just like, right, shit. Robin fills the room with a lot of other things of course- breath, calm and relaxation. I find I'm clinging on. But she brings a reminder of Perth. A very strong one at that. So her three hour class today was both lovely and difficult.

Then, my cell phone rings. And it's you.

And I love that it is.

Come home soon?

Monday blues are red

Feels like one of them lonely days today

Of luncheons with company

It's almost the end of the first week of school. The first two days saw us eating in each other's company- the first day altogether, with our alumni and teachers and the faculty. The second day, the local students went off on their own and us International Students (me being the semi-in between) went off to Peace Centre Foodcourt.

I don't have a problem with lunch company at all. But I guess, a lot of times, I crave my alone-time, even when I'm working a school with just one other person.
So today, I brought my lunch, sat on a stone table under a palm tree with the sun hitting my shoulders and Grotowsky's Farewell Speech to his students in my lap.
And I was impossibly happy.

-----------------------
I was also very happy at lunch on the Monday that just passed. We had dimsum with Erika's friends, Sharon and Althea who are lovely company and an absolute riot to be with.

I just realized also that we don't have pictures with them so I guess, this will have to do:/

Halfway Home

So school starts tomorrow.

It's the change of my life as I've known it (read- grown used to). I know I sound deliriously dramatic here, but it just, it feels like a lot you know?

For a few years I've politely corrected people when they say, "So how's school?" Now I'm politely correcting people when they say, "So back to work tomorrow?"

I'll miss it- work that is. It's been so much a part of my life that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I think that's the most part of it. Not so much the insanity that this intensive next three years will bring, but more the knowledge that I might possibly just have to give up on work completely. When work has, for the best part of the last four years, been what has kept me rooted when all else felt like it was falling away.

In any case, I don't have to give up work completely as yet (depending on schedules and stuff), so we'll see how it all goes.

With everything else-

the hour-long lunch breaks and the people I'll meet, the things I absolutely cannot wait to study, the practices I cannot wait to learn and the plays I'll get to perform,

let's see where this all takes me, shall we?

And we're set to roll in eleven and a half hours kiddo.

baby steps

I've always been sappy about New Year's- I believe how you spend that first bit of the new year is a peek into the rest of it.

So, just like I hoped, my New Year's was nice and quiet. But more than that, it was the loveliest, loveliest New Year I've had in quite a while. Not just a-year-type of a while but, honest to God, a while.

This was the last New Year, this was the year before (the frame of mind I was in and not so much what I was doing. at all.) and this was New Year's two years ago (leading into 2009).

If my New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is anything to go by, it's looking like a lovely 2012 coming up. We spent it watching half of The Runaways over pizza and where we didn't finish that movie, we watched the back half of Watchmen. Bits of it, for me. It was family- Mommy, Janice, Erika and Buttons. And I got to be comfy and snuggle up and we had Christmas pudding which mommy served the traditional way- by pouring brandy over and setting it alight. We didn't countdown ( I can't remember the last time I did that), it was more like, "One Minute Left!" And mommy had the glasses out and the bottle of champagne just waiting to be popped.

And then, just like the digits on clocks change every time you're not looking, it was 2012.

Janice saw me stealing a New Year's kiss-on-the-cheek and went, "Make out!" But we passed on that, and so no, I haven't actually gotten my first New Year's Kiss where the moment the clock hands meet, there's this crazy amazing kiss with poppers and streamers and fizz from champagne and balloons going up everywhere.

But I had fireworks going off in my head from that one-second kiss, and that was enough for me(:

So just like that, we were in the new year and the champagne was a bit too sharp for our liking and only just bearable. And I got to fall asleep in brand new satin-smooth cotton sheets, safe, deliriously happy and cuddled up. The year should go like that- just the right amount of junk, dessert and wine, family time and feeling like I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world if not with this person I'm (clearly) quite taken with.

2011 wasn't a major, major year for me, if you know what I mean. But it's certainly been eventful; having more than its fair share of ups and downs, relapses (of varied nature), rocky patches and late nights spent crying over things I couldn't even place.

Summing up my entire year in just five pictures, so I don't bore you half to death,

here-

Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Drama Club

Singapore Youth Festival 2011- Twisted

Perth with Erika, June 2011.

A much needed break from work, also marking the end of my full-time work with InwardBound. Also had me finding a new country and place to really like. Which resulted in awful post-holiday blues.

Bird flying home on a whim that (I believe) was what she really needed and, coincidentally having Dory pop home too.

Growing, talking with Mitchell (bottom right) and having conversations with Nora, my boss for the last four years now, that I file away for future reference.

Seeing my cousins this Christmas after more than a decade apart. We've grown a bit, I think. Just a bit.

__________________________________________________________

Thanks here is due, to a whole lot of people. And because I don't very often, I'd like to here-

My family:

Mommy and The Little Creature, for being so immensely supportive about school. For being two of the very few, and from when I first brought it up, to tell me how much the former TTRP, now Intercultural Theatre Institute suited me infinitely better than La Salle. And even when I'd said yes to La Salle (and these days, Yes costs money), telling me that if ITI is what I want, then I should try for it- even if it doesn't promise me a place just yet.

You two were a major reason I chose to say no to La Salle and go with my gut. Even though my gut was actually a bit weak. The both of you have also been a source of encouragement in a lot of areas besides school, and I am grateful for you both very much.

Erika:

For being my pillar of strength, my healthy dose of reality and practicality, and just being an amazing support to me all the time. At the peak of SYF, you were the one telling me to slow down, to find time for me. You saw me through quite a few things- my relapse into bulimia being one of them. You were around for my shitty days as much as you were around for my happy days and most importantly, you were around for those moments before I even saw myself falling apart until I was sitting in your bed and talking and bawling and bawling and talking. Thank you, for giving me hugs whenever I've needed them, for finding time for yoghurt and playgrounds amidst your schedule. For always asking me what you can do to make things better, for holding my hand when I'm scared and for always wanting to be around for me. A lot of things are a whole lot more bearable, because of you. You're the world to me and I love you. Please know that.

My bestest friends in the world:

Vicky, Bird, Dory, Eme and Vic, for being my go-to-people. For making me laugh incessantly at stupid things, for the times that we get to spend just sitting around being absolute idiots and blowing bubbles until it's half two in the morning. Bird and Vv, for being close enough to call and cry and text, even though it's quite apparent that we've all got our own shit going on a lot of the time. Dory, for suddenly appearing back in Singapore when we least expect it (omg, you have no idea how happy it makes me- I pretend you've never left). Eme, for being considerate and constantly being the butt of our jokes. You truly are beautiful in your beastliness, please know that. Victor, for even now, being that one person I can call and say, "Are you home?" And meet up with you and not talk about what's bugging me. For being the one who knows exactly when to take the cigarettes away from me and when to let me ruin my good streak. For being around, and still (though it was just a once- off this year) showing me pretty places and having me remember that there's still very much that part of me that sits on balconies and smokes too much and pretends that I can make it go all go away by not talking about things.

Thank you, because I don't know where I'd be without the five of you.

Nora:

For being an amazing boss, an amazing friend and an amazing mentor. For telling me and making me believe just how much more I am capable of. For guiding me, for teaching me, for telling me my skirt is too short. You're an inspiration, and I hope you never forget that. I wouldn't have been ever been able to hold on, and push myself as far as I have, if not for you.

Ethan:

For being that person who I get to talk endlessly about theatre with. For taking my bitchy side as much as I take your asshole side. For not judging me for it. For bitching with me. For talking with me. For hours I can spend talking about things that are so, so impossibly close to both our hearts. For bringing me to the realization that it is Singapore Theatre that runs through my veins before any other theatre scene. For understanding a lot of my opinions and ideas, even if we hold different beliefs about certain things.

Justin:

For keeping me in mind when you go to new, lovely looking places. For showing me pictures, for giving me snippets of home that make me ache but make me smile at the same time. For time we've spent on skype or on the phone. For your amazing letters and gifts and being one of those people, too far away from me that I find I miss on a random day. For your insanely hilarious and entertaining tales about housemates and trips. For being that person who, despite going off to study accounts (as opposed to say, architecture), has gone on to find more things to be wowed by. For including me in little day-to-day things, like the cooking of your asian meals and the sniffing of your medicated oil.

My Kuo Chuan Babies:

For just being absolutely amazing teenagers. For that birthday surprise you gave me this year that absolutely made my day. For trying so, so, SO hard, during SYF. For always wanting to do more, to try harder, to be better, to be more. I love you guys for that. Yes, it didn't start out altogether easy and we took a while to get where we did. But you have to know, that I am so, so impossibly proud of all of you. That every time I speak of you, I still smile. That you have grown into such amazing people and I am glad that I got to take such an insanely amazing journey with you. Spending as much time as I did with you, allowed me to watch you guys change and become the people you are today. And damn, you ought to be as proud of yourselves as I am of you. Because that performance you gave, that day on SYF, that was amazing and I couldn't have ever, ever asked for more.

Please, promise me you'll keep growing, that you'll keep trying, that you won't ever stop being the amazing people you are.

For all the rest:

The people I've met, whether by chance, accident or in (your) drunken stupor- through parties, projects or in bar fights that I've never been in, for people I've been close to before but could only meet up with a couple of times this year-

Thank you for just being around. For talking when you have and giving my life just that bit more than work.

Last, but most definitely not least,

God:

Who has been with me through every step of the way. Who has moulded me, guided me and granted me peace whenever I'm shitting in my pants. Who has opened my heart and ears to Him, who has continued to help me grow, painful as it sometimes might be. For being with me as I auditioned, as I got my acceptance letter and as I got my scholarship award. This, all of this, none of it could have been without You.

________________________________________________________

It's going to be a very new, very different, very trying sort of year. There'll be so much adjusting, so much to get used to and so much more to be afraid of.

But, as with every year that comes, I'll just throw myself head in and see what comes of it.

Happy 2012 all of you(:

Dear You,

Maybe it's much
Too early in the game
Aah, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same

What are you doing New Year's
New Year's eve?

Wonder whose arms
Will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly
Twelve o'clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You received
Aah, but in case
I stand one little chance
Here comes
The jackpot question in advance

What are you doing New Year's?
New Year's Eve?

Cause if you hadn't found me,

So long you've been running in circles
'Round what's at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place

I would've found you

On inhale draw your hands upward,

On exhale lean your body to your right.
Drop your right arm.
Breathe breathe breathebreathebreathe.
Charis, please don't stop breathing

Rolling in three

Scene One take one. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves right now. It's like my heart's rattling about, bouncing of bones and just.

Scene One take two. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves.
Breathe.
But I'll pull through. Don't I always?

Game face
But I can do this, I can. I always have.

rocky roads

Jessica Savitch once said, "No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one."

And to this, I say, No. No you don't.

I have spent too long finding that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how far you have come, there is still more that you can do. There is still that much better you can be. There is still so much that you haven't achieved yet. There is still so much space between you and being enough.

I'm sure she didn't mean to say don't acknowledge your achievements. In fact, I'm sure lots of people who live by this rule don't mean to say you haven't come a long way. But constantly reaching for higher goals is not going to make one happy, not when you spend so little time being glad at what you've done and what you've got.

There's a huge difference between being unmotivated and satisfied, a huge difference between being content and settling for less. At the end of the day, isn't it about what makes you happy?

If you're not happy where you are, whether in terms of career or social life or weight, then figure out why and then do something about it. But also, learn to stop for a minute and take it all in.

It's funny, what a fine balance it is.

I guess coming from where I do, it's just painful knowing how many there are out there who hinge their self worth on their success or lack thereof.

Yea, yeah, I get it. Keep your head up, your eyes on the goal, keep pushing for more. But some people get all the way there and find they want to backtrack. Or they get all the way there and find that there's no where else to go. And what happens then? Do you stop and feel sad and unmotivated?

Sure, I mean, there's always that bit more you could've done. Always. But if it's something one lives by, I just think you end up going through life not being quite satisfied with what you have. And that's almost as bad as not being satisfied and being highly unmotivated to do anything about it.

I'm tired, mostly. Of this constant feeling like, even if you set yourself realistic finishing lines, there's always one more coming up that you could reach.

I liken all of this to my running-

I don't have a specific stop point, whether in time or in distance. In fact, to be honest, because I hardly use a jogging track, I don't bloody know how far I've run. My only gauge is time.

Whenever I say, "This is a fifteen minute run," I find that I hang on to that, resenting my run and just looking forward to the end point. And I either collapse inches away from that end point or I am cruel and say, "A little bit more. Right up to that pillar, that tree, that fire hydrant."

But on days that I have time and just say, "I'm going for a run" with no beginning or end point, I run longer, farther, sometimes faster. And I am happy.

I think that counts for more- whether that run turns out fifteen minutes or fifty. Because I didn't build myself up to let myself down. I just did what I felt like.

And a lot of times, that's actually okay.

If I could have one wish, if I could have some say

Because you find half of yourself that is carved by expectations, society's ideas of beauty and the world and their reasons.
And then the other half of you is left floating.
Floating in a way that almost makes you uncomfortable. Floating in a way that makes you scared of the way you fall against a girl's skin and realize that her breath gives you rest.
Floating in a way that only roots you in the way it's unfamiliar- nice, but unfamiliar.

Maybe, could you just, hold me.

I

am really sad tonight.

and nothing's helped, everything's just made me feel like crying. I didn't wake up too bad today you know. And I had dim sum with my family. And it was all really nice. And I ran errands. I got Christmas presents. I had dinner.

and I got to talk, a little bit. Got to, for the first time, say out loud what's been on my mind. At least the idea of it. And watch my breathe form like crystals above my bowl of ramen and dissolve and I keep talking keep talking keep talking

No, not about what I need to talk about but instead talk about what needs to be talked about and then I find I can't

wrong

why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break and I fix myself because I can

and I stand up and walk because I can and so we walk around picking up things that need to be picked up and I am normal and I don't understand that buzz of a feeling inside my chest and so I push it away

and we laugh about things there are to laugh at and go home

and I begin to tell you what I realize is that buzz that's grown into an incessant whirr in my chest in my ears and behind my eyes and I tell you I tell you

but we're worried about all the wrong things

and then I go outside to talk to my mother

wrong

wrong again

I'm all wrong why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break. I fix myself because I can

and I come back in

but I can't

and i'm breaking, breaking apart

I hate dial tones

there's so much wrong that I don't know what's wrong anymore

and I wish I wasn't so alone

I can't breathe

I can't

I'm breaking

fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK

WON'T THIS JUST FUCKING STOP

I can't

I can't anymore

can't keep myself together

can't quell this ache that's branched out from a seed I didn't know was there

can't breathe

can't

I just can't

anymore

diamonds in a packet

face pieced together to hide

empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul

feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls

because it doesn't break, doesn't break when it's smoke

doesn't bruise when it gives you breath

tempts you with sanity instead

and oh, these beautiful promises

wrapping themselves around your fingers, uncurling themselves in your lungs and filling you

when there isn't anymore of you left to lose

too young to find something that hurt more than falling asleep on broken glass

euphoria shaped in a name that left too many scars

you could love her. Love her as her skin starts breaking

try to save her as the wind steals away fragments

as she crumbles, laughing

screaming as she races against the world, desperate to fly

face pieced together to hide

empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul

feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls

because it doesn't break, doesn't break, doesn't break-

when it's smoke

and she cannot break, cannot break, cannot break

when she already broke

Aren't I allowed to be sad?

So I've been sad, the last couple of days. And occasionally annoyed, irritable, angry.

A lot of times though, I feel like I'm breaking.

And here's the thing-

Yes, I believe and Yes, I know my God will see me through a whole lot of things. But I'm getting tired of replies or suggestions or comments that make it sound like I don't know He's there for me or that I am saved or that anything.

This has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with the fact that I am sad as fuck and have found myself crying in bed before I fall asleep two nights in a row.

This has nothing to do with unbelief and everything to do with having a space that I cannot fill and an ache that I cannot soothe. And don't you dare tell me that God will fill this space either. God will do a lot of things for me and He has done a lot of things for me, but I'm bloody allowed to have things that I can be upset about.

Sometimes, some people feel sad and broken too okay?

So just let me feel sad and broken up and shitty.

This is difficult since I've stopped drinking my calories but

I am uncharacteristically sad tonight.

Just like a star across my sky

Corinne Bailey Rae (and Corinne May too actually) reminds me Enqing.
Reminds me of Christmases with short hair and scarves even though I was here, and strutting about town and taking turns to pout for his camera.
Reminds me of being sixteen and free and happy and writing and a at the doorway to the world of possibilities.

And now that I'm writing about it-
Corinne May reminds of being fifteen, meeting Enqing for the first time and being comfortable and sane and safe amongst people similar to me and getting lost in the rehearsals and the singing and the being.

And you, you kept me safe, in a crazy world.

Christmas Wishlist 2011

This year, I discovered the joy of giving people shopping vouchers. Because it's safe and functional and really, really helpful! At the same time of course, upon further discussion with Bird, I realized that, even though one doesn't mean it to be, it miiiight come across insincere.

Oh Christmas.

I mean, I really love it. And I love buying presents for people, and picking it out and picking out the perfectest gift. But it almost feels like I've got a deadline! And then people ask, "Well what do you want for Christmas?" And there are things that I want but that are a)too pricey and I wouldn't (honest, swear to God) want someone to get it for me or b) it would be something that I'd like to pick up by myself/for myself. Because, I don't really need anything, y'know what I mean?

But anyway, to make lives easier!

If you'd much prefer to get me something that you know I'd want and would use, here's a list:

1)A quilt cover set-

I got my single-sized quilt from Ikea and haven't checked if Metro has any quilt-covers but I know Ikea has a couple that I like. I've got one set in shades of red and one in black and grey.

I like darker, deeper colours or just plain white with texture. I'm not a fan of flowers or lots of patterns (despite some being quite cute).

2)There's a new scent from Burberry that I've been eyeing called Burberry Body.

But this is one of those presents I'd very much rather people NOT buy for me. Honestly, please.

3) I really like notebooks with blank pages. I'm not kidding, I really do. You can keep them forever and draw and write and paste things and. I like notebooks with blank pages(:

4) Books!

You can never go wrong with good literature, right? I've actually got all the Jodi Picoult books I want, so it's probably not safe to get me any of hers.

But

-books on Theatre or acting- Meisner or Chekhov or Stanisvlasky's are all welcome. Plays that you've read that you think I might like. Plays by Samuel Beckett or Harold Pinter, because I haven't actually read through any of their stuff from end to end (except for Beckett's Play).

-poetry. Collections of poems, things that are a little bit off-beat. I saw a children's book the other day that I quite liked, with a collection of poems. I forgot the title though, so I'm not very helpful right now.

- I'm in love with the Guess How Much I Love You collection- but then, I've already gotten the book I like the most. Which is Guess How Much I Love You.

So.

5) If you wanted to be more practical you could get me film for my polaroid camera. I use the creditcard sized ones that are the most common(:

6) Failing all, you could always just get me vouchers. For like Ikea (since I've just moved into this new place) or bookshops or shoe shops or places with clothes you think I'd like. I think it's really practical and nice.

Or wine. You can't go wrong with that. I'm a fan of Moscatos and Late Harvests and Medium-bodied reds with a mix of sweet and fruity flavours(:

I hope this is enough. I can't think of any more.

I'd really like to know what my friends want for Christmas though. I will go troll the internet and hope they've mistakenly left bits of information about themselves lying about.

It's August.

But no, no it's not.
Because it's almost Christmas.
And some presents aren't ours to open

When we submit the things of God to the mind of man, unbelief and religion are the results. When we submit the mind of man to the things of God, we end up with faith and a renewed mind. The mind makes a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.
-- Pastor Bill Johnson

And watch them go up in smoke

Breathe.
Someone, someone help me, help me to breathe. To stop this churning in my chest and this burning in my eyes. The sound of rushing waterfalls in my ears- it's too much, all of it, it's all too much now.

Maybe, maybe if you cut me open you could help stop my insides from thrashing about in fear, keep my skin from spasming as the world breathes and breathes and breathes onto me.

Go away. Won't all of it just go away?
I don't need very much.
Just a dark little corner and a box of matches.
I could make wishes with each light.
I could pretend I'm alright

Game

The blame game
Name names
It's the same, the same, all the same.

Too beautiful

That, that single moment when he hears his mother. Oh my word.

Actually,

I'm all teary eyed-
With just a little bit of being sad and a little bit of being scared

It's almost Christmas

And still,
I can't find you
----------------------

Don't, don't break.
Don't you dare

Cot

I've always been a fan of little cozy corners, tucked away nooks, fencing and gates to keep me in and safe.
When I have options, I pick corners. Actually, I either pick tiny, tiny corners or large open spaces. It's this bizarre clash in my personality- extrovert meets introvert. There isn't a happy middle, it's always a little bit of both.

And so, when moving things about in my room, I often wonder if my choice of furniture location makes me feel at all claustrophobic. It doesn't.
I seem to find a tilt that I am comfortable with; Corners for me to hide in and feel safe, while creating an illusion of space so that it doesn't feel so cloistered.

It's important for me- finding just the right degree of whatever it is. And I don't suppose my spaces are often the ones that would be deemed as having good feng shui. But hey, the space is mine.
And I am safe.
And the cat's in the cradle

The Long Journey Home

"If what you're doing is your passion, it should come like breathing. It's that natural."

-- Oprah Winfrey

This.

It comes like breathing. It runs through me, spilling itself when I first say hello. It makes up who I am, who I've been and who I will become.

This. It's me living.

At so many points in my life there have been things that shook me, things that left me feeling like I was falling indefinitely (which is, believe me, worse than hitting the ground). And at all these points there has been something that I can turn to and lose myself in. And as I've grown up I've returned to this. Taking things in and then, using myself; whether or not there was an audience.

This is everything that I know.

When I am here, in this place, I get to close my eyes and be more honest than I could ever be in real life. It's not about putting on someone else's skin, it's not about being a professional liar.

It's about, for once, just being completely and utterly honest.

With the people in the space, with the people watching, but mostly, with yourself.

Here, I can trust myself to be. I can trust myself to think. And I can trust the person beside me to be listening and to respond just as honestly.

I am aware of all the things I don't know, and all the things I want to know. And so, I keep at it. Clawing my way through boxes, through spaces that transcend time and all the things that we think we're sure of.

I spent the whole of last month fretting. Close to tears and on the brink of insanity. Hating myself for wanting something so much.

But I suppose it'll always be like this- I'll always want this so much more than I'd feel like I deserve. Always.

Today was a surprise and my, it was pleasant.

I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm deliriously settled and relieved and yet almost bouncing about. There's so much I want to do, so much that I simply cannot wait to take in.

I've been promised of the hell that I will go through and back, of an intensity that will break me, of worlds and worlds of things and cultures and techniques that I know absolutely nothing about but then will be soaked in for three months at a time.

I have been made guarantees that I will cry, I will wish it wasn't happening and I will doubt and question my strength and ability.

And from what I already know; I know that this will open boxes. That this requires stripping a person down to nothing and finding oneself at one's most naked and vulnerable.

But I trust where I'm going, I trust these people, and most of all, I trust this.

So here I am.

And I'm saying I want to sit here and soak it all in. Soak and absorb it and be fully, completely and utterly invested in this. Bring it. Bring it all.

Fill me, break me, piece me up and build me up again.

So when I find myself spilling, when I find this seeping from my pores as my breathing catches in the dimming of the light, seconds before the curtains fall, I will look out at an audience watching with glassy eyes and bated breath and know, and know, and know, just like I always have,

that I've found my way back home.

At this time last year

I wasn't here.

There's this sense of purpose I'm feeling start to slowly slip away from me. I'm not prompted to write very much. I just end up looking at pictures of beautiful people and going running and then coming back home, to end up eventually looking at more pictures and then going running again.
Maybe the running gives me a sense of purpose and that's why I'm leaning on it so much.

I like making my days productive.
And so far, they have been.

But I guess I miss feeling somewhat of use. Needed. And all that, you know?
This whole working backwards is a whole lot harder than I thought.

At this time last year, I knew exactly where I was.

Flutterby, she butterflies

I don't know how else to say it,
but,
I'm still here.

Always been a sucker for little silver things

Like this-

http://www.etsy.com/listing/61813730/ukulele-ring-made-in-hawaii-by-cabin-no7

But mostly, I need help saving up for my next tattoo. Because it feels like it's going to cost a whoooole lot. Like losing the weight for it isn't hard enough work. Pah.