i wub baby puddy tat!

So I've got a puddy tat, the most beautiful creature in the world.
Her name's Latte, because she's black (like black coffee) with swirls (yes i do mean swirls like someone painted her) of white (like cream).
She's about three and a half months old, at a guess, and she seems to have fallen in love with Justin, from what Vee's told me.

Yep, cos Vee's looking after my little girl this weekend.
I miss her already!):

Anyhoos, BKK in a couple of hours:D
yippeedoooo.
Happiness-muchhhhhh!

PS: Thank you so so so SO SO much Vicky! I apologize in advance for the bending-over and possible poop-cleaning:/
I will bring you presents from my magical place, promise!
Love you to bits.

Four days three nights of shopping, eating and bumming around. What's not to love?((:

i fleety flit, I fly

I'm very floaty, very write-y.
I cannot put it all down into words that mean what I want it to mean.
Stories begin and then find themselves an end, and I stare at it, wondering how it got there.
I am very floaty, very write-y.
And this golden rose, it stares back quietly.
I do not even know how to begin.

----

It's funny, seeing all them different lives that you are no longer a part of anymore.
There is relief, that tinge of 'that-never-happened-to-me-ness', wonder, but relief, most of all.

We dig through our rubbish, once in a while. That ever-present pile that we never bloody seem to throw out. And they make for bloody good laughs, I'll tell you that.
You realize the utter stupidity, the games and the continuous mind-fucking that you called love.
We've come quite a bit of a way.

----

"Well I, for one, never cared for games anyway."
"And what if you did?"
"But I didn't."

The goldfish and all her world

"You're all the world to me," she whispers, pressed close to the glass that separates us. I reach up, pressing my index finger against where her nose rests. I cannot find the words to tell her that I won't be, in thirty seconds.
I cannot tell her.

"My, and that's a big, big world." I say, smiling at her. Hoping, that she would believe as much as I don't. She smiles back, and blows me a kiss.

And all but thirty seconds after she says those precious words, she darts away from the glass she was pressed against, and I become another vague shadow, standing over her world, crying.

(C)

dial tones, they still make me sad.

deja vu

So the problem, i've found out, while writing heaps and bawling and being a frightful mess,
is that I still remember.
And the bits of right now, although not all that frequent, brings back this horrible memory that still has me clutching my people and squeezing my eyes shut.

But the thing is, it's not your fault.
It really isn't.
It's just familiar, that's all. And that's why it hurts.

Because sometimes (just a handful of times, times that you can count with your fingers),
it feels like I'm back where I didn't want to be.
And I won't ever be ready to go back there.

BUGGER ALL.

For Chrissakes, I cannot stand being put on hold for fifteen fucking minutes!
And all because I needed to speak to someone at the ICA building to save an entire fucking trip down.
It's fine if i know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm afraid I don't.

Anyways, I lodged a complaint.
Go on, have a read:

To start off with, the information I needed couldn't be found on the website, and so making a call was necessary in order to avoid a waste of a trip down to the ICA.

I rang up the "24 hour service hotline". I apologize if I sound irate but it seems impossible that a 24 hour service hotline can be engaged or completely unavailable for two hours straight. I called once every ten, fifteen minutes for an hour and a half before the phone actually rang. Thereafter I requested to speak to a customer service officer.
Believe it or not, I have been put on hold for a full twenty minutes, just waiting to speak with a human being. Of course, this twenty minutes has been punctuated with someone telling me to either keep holding on or call back later. However, considering how long it took before the phone was not engaged, and I was able to get through to something albeit a machine, I'm not keen on hanging up just yet.

I am desperate to speak with someone in person with regards to sorting out my passport since its renewal (I'm not a citizen, you see). I have no idea what steps to take and it would have been an otherwise easy task, as soon as I can speak to someone.

I'd understand fully if this was the lunch hour but I don't see how all your customer service officers can be busy from 1pm - 3pm, due to "high call volume". It seems quite unbelievable I must say.

Now, considering the time, and that the ICA building closes in two hours and I need to get my things sorted out by today, I will now have to make a trip down.

Please sort out some kind of system that allows us to speak to a real person in the case that we do need to. Robots, apparently, don't understand when we speak into the mouthpiece. I think it has something to do with the fact that they have no ears and therefore, cannot hear.

The rabbit did smell good though. at least there's that!

I swear, there are just so many things that I'm looking forward to right now.
And I don't just mean the trip to Bangkok (omgomg! like one weekend left!)

I mean like, for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I'm worried that I spend so much time dreaming that I'm not quite doing stuff. It's rather awful if you think about it.
Anyhow, have been looking through pictures.
Lots of people have changed so much.

You know how you can see people changing and you don't think it's happening to you, but it actually is. I find that rather funny.
Cos we do the whole, "oh my, you've changed so much."
and everyone could say the same thing about you.

I'm in a fantastically good mood right now, because I forced myself out of bed at my usual time, despite my morning grumps. I had my coffee and breakfast, morning news with some new girl on the primetime morning show. Think she's sitting in for the girl, and I got to see Donna on TV, talking about her art work.
Then I read the paper which I bought on Saturday, which I realized, doesn't do much good in keeping me updated. The stories are lovely though. Well, except for the guy who's waiting for his comatose wife to wake up. She got hit by a truck thirty minutes before her wedding.

I wonder if all my planning for the future will turn out to be absolute rubbish because I'll get run over by a truck and have people left with one worry. That worry being,
Gee, if she couldn't fit into that dress when she was alive, how do we fit her in now that she's flattened out and has her brains on the sidewalk?
How morbid for a lovely day. hehe.
Enough!

There's a tonne to do.
For starters, I should bloody get started on clearing my room.
I hate coming home after holidays to a fright of a mess.
Clearly I don't notice that very much right now because work is never a holiday.

Victor and I bought TLC's sweet sixteen present yesterday! I was soooo terribly excited, and since she really didn't mind, I gave it to her (four days in advance, yes).
It's a prime lens and I'm not going to explain how it works because I've sounded like enough of a doofus the whole time I was trying to get it.
For example, while being smart and deciding to ask questions without Victor:
" 'Scuse me sir, I was wondering if you sold Prime Lenses here." clearly I think that's a huge key word.
"Sure, what kind are you looking for?"
"uhmmm, weeeeell, what kinds are there."
He stares at me like I'm a daft dinosaur with a rabbit in my nostril before saying,
"It depends on what you're looking for, there're different ones for different purposes."
"RIGHT!" Says I, trying to cover up my stupidity. "Well I was looking for the one which blurs the background!"
And again, I become that daft dinosaur except I'm sure this time the rabbit is doing some sort of weird dance while hanging out my nostril.

Well, at least we got it, and it was correct, and Victor's tall enough to hide me and pretend I'm his retarded friend.
That's only half of it though, can't wait for her birthday. Come to think of it, can't wait for mine!
yay(: That's going to be another tattoo!
Exciting much! Plus, I think I might get out of the country with TLC. Or we might just wait til June cos March hols are terribly short.

Gosh, so many many many things to do. It gets tiring thinking about it all sometimes, don't you think?
Well, I'm off to have a smoke and bore myself with thinking about what I have to do instead of actually doing it.

Ta!

smelly works too

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Charis Vera --

[adjective]: Similar to butter in texture and appearance

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

The Last Kiss

I'm twenty minutes into that show, and really really really want to finish watching it.
Except the weirdest thing happened.
I just removed the five lines after that last sentence because my mom and I talked.
We're alright now, at least we were. But now she thinks I am still throwing a temper by sitting in my room and not continuing to watch.

I am not.

I'm not just saying it. I'm not throwing a temper. I just hate watching movies half way.
Especially if I want to watch it properly.
This is the first time I'm watching this movie and I really want to watch it proper.
I've missed twenty minutes and going out there to finish the movie will simply frustrate and annoy my eyeballs out of my head.

But that's okay. I'm going to drop it right now.
I'm not mad at my mom, she was just as caught up in the movie as I was. Nothing wrong with that.
And no, I'm not mad now.
I just think that sometimes you need to accept people's idiosyncrasy. I really do.
But I'm not mad, or annoyed. Just hurt. I feel like crying.
Cos this whole thing is seriously bloody stupid.
It's getting pissed off at a tv show lah, come on.

I'm not mad, I laughed at it, we understand, so let's let it drop- that's what I think.
So okay, dropping it now.

NOW
back to the show:
It's a nice take on the guys' perspective, which is why I really want to watch it.

Anyway, it got me thinking.
So,

Dear Vicky Chen, (I picked her cos she's the only one who would slap me really hard)
Please swear to God that if I get irate, irrational and unreasonable when it comes to someone I'm in a relationship with, you will slap as hard as you possibly can and without thought for whether or not I will punch you.

love,
Charis.

Okay, mommy if you read this, it's not that I didn't understand the person in the movie.
I get the hormonal thing, and I think maybe because it was a movie, they had to get her angrier earlier.

Maybe it's because I've become someone who doesn't expect commitment and exclusivity. I can't say whether or not I'll say the same thing in a relationship. Maybe it's nice to not label your thing as a relationship. Then you're not expecting that commitment.
Maybe I'm just always expecting people to start rethinking, after a while- Just like I did.
Maybe that's why I don't want to tie people down and feel like I'm tying someone down.
I'll be damned if I do that.
And I suppose that's why I don't want to get married.

In that thirty year marriage, having been together since college, he didn't feel a thing for her.
What was that line he said?
"Of course I'd notice if you were gone. We're contractually bound."

Well leapin' lizards.
I do not want to feel like I've made you sign away your bloody life.
Of course as a girl, most of us have pretty would-bes that have us dressed up in white dresses and walking down the aisle (or having a horse do that for you).

I can't say I don't want that.
And sometimes I think.
Boy, i do really want that. I want to be able to do that when I'm young and not just when I'm fifty (like I planned).

But then immediately after, I also think,
One beautiful day, a tonne of money, a supposedly once-in-a-lifetime thing, it'll just last that one day. Then it'll be in pictures and memory.
And you won't be thinking about stuff like that when you're running after screaming toddlers with another one in your arms and they're both screaming blue bloody murder.
Maybe I will get married one day, but I find it less likely after I have the kids.

Plus, I think it's the most unfair thing you can do to a child.
Yeah well, you know how our parents protect us from stuff they went through and we in turn want to protect our kids from things we've gone through.
It's not the best of plans, and it's not fool-proof,
but I can't get over that bright neon sign that flashes saying that a marriage will break down.

I don't know how the others keep it together, I really don't.
And I just think, it is only a matter of time before one or the others gets up and leaves.
And when that time comes I want to be able to say,
It's alright, because you stayed heaps longer than I'd ever expect you to.

Which is true.
What you don't expect can never hurt you.
And if you go into it, expecting to do shit alone, then you won't get mad at someone for not helping you with the demon child in your arms. I mean, it's sort of like how you'd ask a friend for help rather than demanding.

After all that, I still can't say for certain.
I'm not married, haven't been and haven't been in a long enough relationship.
But the world, it's pretty damn scary, and I can't keep wishing for my kids to come out blind and deaf.

my few random things

Dear, sweet God.
I'm still alive aren't I?

there are some things that i think about, without fail, every single day:
- today's schedule
- tomorrow's schedule
- whether or not my children will grow up like me

I wish some people wouldn't take things so personally. Just because you don't share some things with certain friends in your group doesn't make you any less close, just because I'm drawing a picture of pineapples doesn't mean I don't like you and I wish I were a pineapple.

Something that I'm still learning is that it's a bad bad idea to form plans with someone when you're all happy and non-argumentative.

I really like corners. Dark, small, quiet and clean corners. They make me feel safe. They make me feel like I can live there forever.

I am generally not a sad person. I might be rather emotional, and sometimes emotional means lots of tears, but I'm not sad.
I'm not sad now, I'm just rather numb.
I wonder if one day my eighteen year old will be sitting in front of her computer at 8:57 in the morning, feeling the things I'm feeling right now and hating me for giving birth to her.
Dear God, I hope not.
(no, I'm not hating my mother for giving birth to me)

I want to burn all that's left of breakfast and pretend I can physically fit a part of my body into that toaster too.

They all took a break on the 21st day.
Well actually they didn't, but I'm saying they did so I can convince you that you should rest on the 21st day too. Or 21st year. or 21st hour, what ever suits your fancy.

Writing often makes me feel better, so does running, cutting and singing.

There's a blue plastic cassette looking thing on my floor. You would probably pick it up and chide me for still keeping trash from when I was five. I hoard things because sometimes they're all I have to remember.
It's a toy cassette that fits into a toy video camera.
The toy video camera was yellow and I knew exactly what it would've done if it were real. So I used it to take videos of things happening around me, or silly things like the black bookshelf in my old room with all my fairytale books on it. That old room was the first that I could call my own. Before it was my own, i shared it with Janice. We had a bunk bed and I slept on top. I hid my books at the top of the shelf that was built into the wall, so that I could read it after mommy put us to bed. It was my first "grown up" book.
It was soft cover, and yellow, with red borders. Enid Blyton wrote it. It was Amelia Jane, the naughty doll. I've re-read it a million times. One of the pages i stopped at before going to sleep once, was page 9. It was the first time I remembered the number of the page rather than putting a bookmark in. Folding pages has never been a habit, although I've done it before.

I wish I could play that blue toy cassette for you.
I don't know where the big yellow video camera it came with has gone to, but I've got the tape. I want to play it for you so that you will see that it wasn't all supposed to turn out this way.
That somewhere along the way, when I was trudging to and from school, getting off school buses or having my domestic help look after me, something went wrong.
And actually it started even before they bought the flat together.

I want you to see them happy, sitting on a red brick wall, with their backs against each other and smiling at the camera. I want you to see me spinning penny around and around and around in front of my old fire place.
I want to hold your hand and take you through my old house back home. I want to show you where we put our shoes away, where you'll see my green boots that are lined with wool on the inside, the switch for the electrical fire place, the bath tub and the three yellow ducks, the staircase, the lovely little kitchen. I want to take you to the places I used to go to as a kid. Where I'd sit beside one of my mommy's friends and pick the smarties off the cake as she put it on.

I could show you that I was happy. And that I am supposed to be that happy kid that grows up into a happy teenager, and goes on to be a happy adult.
I can show you that I am still happy. Safely tucking away these memories and looking at them when I feel like I need a reason to smile.

I'm okay though, and I'm fine, fortunately or unfortunately I have yet to decide.
But I am also late, or going to be, for work.
We don't ever have the time to mope around like this, not right before work. Even on days you want to disappear.

I don't need space, I don't hate you or any of you.
Just sometimes, it's nice to be able to sit and cry and have the drilling from downstairs drown you out.

alive? really?
could've fooled myself.
doesn't feel like it in the least.

Even D' Odds

Four days out of five, I'm up at half past eight with a nice cup of coffee and watching Primetime morning and nodding at number that I only pretend to understand.
On the fifth day, I'm dancing around with tiny little macmuffins!

So we've hit mid-week! But it sure doesn't feel like it in the least.
Maybe also because it's half past nine and I feel like having another poop.
Not that you really needed to know that.

I think my schedule's pretty relaxed so I'm really grateful.
Except that I don't put it to full use, much.
pfft.

I really really have to finish a couple of assignments this week.
I highly doubt I'll be finishing public speaking within this month. dammit.
On a lighter note, I've managed to maintain my B-average with my arts!
yay me!

this is what I've reduced to, using students' group names as titles.
But it makes a good title!

thweeeeeep

Charis, you are a big fat oafy sap and will shut up!
ah, the shmucks of the world.

soooo,
i thought I was much much better today but I wasn't.
I was headachey and went for a nap in the afternoon, although I slept from 6.30pm yesterday all the way to 9am today.
Now I am terribly headachey and am wondering if I should go to bed.
At the same time I feel like gagging and throwing up.
At the same time, I'm rather preoccupied with my bloody weird dream about glow in the dark thunderbeads.
No prize for guessing which old movie I most recently watched.

can't wait to get away!
And Friday is beach-day:D
oh no, my week hasn't even started yet and I'm already feeling so tired.

why's that so!

Satisfy cravings for macmuffins: check!

So we've done a lot of talking and planning. Not down to the months and days and times, but guess-timations.

It's sort of weird, as I've always found it is, talking about the rest of your life in your dinky little kitchen which you haven't fully unpacked yet.

But it'll have to do, won't it?
Gosh, I cannot even imagine talking to my kids about the rest of their lives. Thank God that'll only come about like in a hundred years or so.

Anyhoos, it's the beginning of another week! The last one was extremely fun but very tiring and I found myself feeling very sorry for myself over the weekend, nursing headaches, nausea, fevers, and moodswings that had be crying on the sofa in my living room because TLC denied me spicy drumlets. (i know, right?)

So there is a whole bunch of stuff that I simply must get done today.
I've been talking about getting away, and this morning has been spent exclaiming and getting jittery at too-pricey and too-unbelievable prices with bird.

yay, away away!

Anyway, before I leave, I'll leave you with just a snippet of last week. Obviously, this was my favourite part of last week. We just got started on teaching CHIJ Kellock Primary one girls!
SO-

Me: Today, I am here to teach you girls drama!
Girls: YAYYYYYY!
(later on when my boss comes in...)
Girls: Miss C, who is that?
random girl 01: I think you're somebody's mother!
Nora: Really! Who's mother am I?
Random girl 02: I think you are Miss Clarice mother!
Nora: oh my gawd, nonononooo!

hahahaha

I'll be off!

xoxo

i varted through this

Rules:
It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag ten people.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Charis

2. A four Letter Word : Cunt

3. A boy's Name : Christiano

4. A girl's Name : Cay

5. An occupation : Cardiologist (physician specializing in heart conditions)

6. A color : Carmine (it's a shade of red under the complete list of crayola colours. go wiki! HAH IN YOUR FACE!)

7. Something you'll wear : I want to say cunt, haha. uhmmm, a cardigan!

9. A food : Curry

10. Something found in the bathroom: Cunt-washer. HAHA. sorry. uhmm, cup (for rinsing your mouth)

11. A place : Cuba came to mind first but I'm gonna go for California. The former does sound rather exotic though.

12. A reason for being late : Cunt-washing. sorry, I have nooo idea what's wrong with me today.
uhhm, Car Accident

13. Something you'd shout : CUNTFACE! (I need to stop that, don't I?) I'd shout Christ, in fact, I do sometimes. Accept I know that's awful.

14. A movie title : CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON which, btw you HAVE TO WATCH.
WHICH, BTW, I've watched already! haha! Cuntface!

15. Something you drink : Coffee (because I actually don't really like carrot juice, although it came to mind first.)

16. A musical group : You know, if I had an all girlband, we'd be called cuntface. cos it's not so rude after a while, it's just really cute. I digress! CASTING CROWNS!

17. An animal : cat

18. A street name : Castro Street, in San Francisco

19. A type of car : Chrysler

Restarting

Enough of sappy movies for me!

But I must say, I do get quite a balance;
One day it's sappy movies and the next, I finish a book written by someone who was abused as a child and had a generally unhappy ending.

So I got my new year started with the beginning of this month(:
I had a lovely time to myself yesterday, which included me finishing an entire book within the day, as well as having a fantastically lovely swim.
Besides being just slightly freaked out that a client at my mom's work place was following me around, even though my mother was with me, I was in a lovely mood, and got much needed rest.
Aghast at my eyebags, I even slapped a couple of kiwi eye masks on.

It's another glorious day, with a terrible lot that I'm looking forward to, including my class this afternoon. (Though the hours seem to stretch one out successfully.)
I really ought to get my damned public speaking assignment over and done with though. HMM.

I also tidied up my knickers drawer!
OH GOSH, SO TERRIBLY LOVELY!
They're arranged according to:
Tummy Tuckers, good-for-periods, boyshorts/girl-boxers, sleep-knickers (which are not as granny-panty-ish as you'd like to imagine), normal (which has two sub categories) and thongs (which has four sub categories)
Normal is split into lycra and pretty (which has like, a random I <3 ME pair of panties, among others) and thongs are split into
Not too comfy, Stringy, SUPER COMFY and thongs with that GORGEOUS lace band which mom just bought a couple more of for me yesterday :D The last category needs a couple more though!

Okay, that was a lovely, unneeded paragraph of information. But I'm rather pleased with myself.
hehe.

Anyway, I'd best be off to Holland Village for more Me-time and errand-running.
Toodles oodles!

So close enchanted piano.mp3 - Enchanted

in another's hands

"Promise me it won't hurt. Promise me when it all ends it won't hurt."


and you have so, got to get out of my head girl.

so that I can jot down happy times

Today I woke up and thought,
"Hey, I'm still alive." Then it became,
"Oh God, i'm still alive."

Okay, no it wasn't that bad.
I did a spot of tidying up, a small load of laundry, ate one proper meal but made up for that by going on a binge at Enqing's place.

Today was lovely.

So yes, I have noticed the drop in excited blogging. I've got heaps to say, and I think, "oh that is SO going on my blog" except it sort of never does.
Maybe because I really do believe that thinking it is all it takes for it to appear on my blog.
I thought we were synched, dammit!

So, eventful week it's been.
Next week's kicking in full force and I'll be lucky if I have time to breathe.
(okay I'll make sure I do. But I'll be dogwalking or swimming or generally avoiding secondary school children)

Here's joke of the week though:
Some of my students (from my favourite class) saw my scars.
"Miss C, what's that?"
"Oh, those are scars."
"Why do you have scars?"
"Because I used to be a cutter."
"What's a cutter? Cher, you emo ah?"
"No, of course not! Don't be silly, now if you'll just sit..."
"Cher, don't be emo okay?"

okayyyyy, awww.

Anyway,
you won't believe what I'm using as my daily planner this year! No, you really won't.

Here's a hint:
It looks like a school diary, and also looks a fuck load like PL's 2008 school diary.
No prize for winners.

nighty night

and it's one of those times of the year again.
In fact, it's so insignificant, that I don't actually feel that my life is marked by these occasions.
You know, these "special" ones that have to be shared and the issue of that tip-toed around.

It's the first of one of those times of the year again.
and already,
I'm just so incredibly tired.

what Squidge produced

So as I've probably mentioned before, I've got a baby named Squidge.
She's a tiny camera, smaller than the size of your palm. Squidge's best friend is a fish-eye camera, and is the exact same size as her (except with a huge round lens).

I took them both on my LA Trip and only just managed to collect the photographs.
Because they use 110mm film which is pretty much non-existent, it cost a bomb to get these photographs developed. As if that wasn't bad enough, most of them due to over-exposure/under-exposure/ sunlight sneaking into my film canister, most of the pictures out of the 72 are grey and blank.
I was quite quite upset, to say the least. And it cost me like, fifty bucks just to get them developed.

I figured I'd be lucky if I could get just ten or so decent pictures out of the 72.
I managed to get twenty. Somehow though, I don't feel that much more ecstatic.

Those that survived though, are terribly pretty.
Of course they're not your ordinary sort of pictures where clarity is taken for granted. They're pretty old school, some of them grainy, and some of them over-exposed in a way that is still rather pretty. I'm not a photographer, that title is held by my baby sister.
But the stuff's pretty neat and I'm quite proud of the outcome, although it's all of twenty pictures.

Needless to say, no more cute little gadgets for me. Shoes are SO much more worth it.
And they look better in pictures too!

Anyway! Here they are((:




mPersonal Favourite, this one. All of the above were in San Francisco.
The series below us is from the fish-eye. (I was thinking of calling it Dory. teehee)

I love this one(:



Oh these two that just passed were in Frisco too((:
That's Jacq, and the lawn
And that's the lawn from the front door, which no one ever enters by.


That's my pap-pap, we're right outside HSBC.

Costco, and feeble attempt to take artsy shots.Dog in the next car.


Well well, for those that turned out brilliantly, I'm awfully happy.
But there's a whole lot that didn't come through. So I guess you've to imagine the rest of the fifty shots.
Think beautiful skyline, clouds, flowers, fountains, and long empty roads lined with orange trees that look like they belong on a postcard.


xoxo

glass always looked prettier in pieces anyway

So the week's begun and left me behind. I sort of feel like I'm running after a train that isn't moving, and not catching up with it.
There's stuff to do, and I SHOULD have the time to do it, except, I don't.
And it's not like I'm not trying.

I sit and try to do the work I'm supposed to do, and I'm so aware of all the other million things I have to do and I'm freaking out about my priorities not being quite right, that I end up being so stuck on what I have to do that I don't actually do anything. (My, what a mouthful!)

There's my room to clean up, for instance. And I'm just itching to lock myself in and sort all this crap out. But at the same time, there's a song I've to finish by this week, a project, as well as a lesson plan for a debate course I'll be teaching.
And in between there's all the little things like trying to tidy up here and there.

I bought myself a shoe rack today though. It's the most gorgeous thing, and all my shoes are just so gorgeously lined up then I get this spasm of happiness everytime I see my gorgeous gorgeous shoes all neatly lined up. The room looks just that little bit neater.
And yet, all those other things I'm also supposed to be doing are bugging me no end.

Anyway, on an angrier note,
our ex-landlady emailed mommy. No doubt full of self-righteousness and piousness spilling out of her goddamn nostrils. Am I supposed to be nicer to her because of her incredibly graciousness? Because that sort of leans towards as possible as me bungee-jumping.

This, by the way, is how she starts of her email:
there are quite a few things that you, as tenant should "make good or compensate the landlord" when you move out that I didnt mention to you as I want to be as gracious as I am called to be by the Lord.
For Fuck's Sake, stop throwing that God-thing at me because frankly, you're one of the last people I would think of when the word Christian comes to mind. It's so amazing, you know, and I can hardly believe that I myself am still a Christian because it irks me that i am associated with such a person.
It pisses me off that she is so goddamn self-righteous and throwing her "graciousness" in our face. Well really, if you call graciousness telling us to get the fuck out of your house because you frankly do not want us there (and make it painfully clear) and proceed to point out how impossible it would be to stay a couple more days while trying to get our entire lives out of your fucking house because "the cleaners are coming" or you "would like to live there for the period that you're back" then I must be missing something.

Here's how she ends off:
To say the least, I am disappointed with the way things turn out, and the testimony that you have shown to my family. But this is now my problem to explain to them.

Oh woe is you, having to explain how horrible some Christians can be, making a mess of your place!
Some, might I point out, wasn't even our fault! The cooker, for instance, was never ever used by us because we had our own. Yours was spoilt because it was crappy. Fullstop.
Also, it is complete and utter bullshit that "the place was so dirty no one wanted to come in and clean it". First of all, if you hire a company and pay them to clean, they will clean. I find it highly unlikely that a company would send a team down, be aghast at the state of the house and then promptly change their minds about cleaning up. HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

And you know what, Miss-Holier-Than-Thou?
i'm pretty damn glad that you had to scrub off the stains my piano left on your floor, and with your nails (oh poor you, really.)

For seventy dollars, I should have put effort into trashing your fucking place.

i want to run

until my legs threaten to give out,
and I'm so choked up that I can't even breathe.
Until my insides contract so much that it feels like i'm eating myself alive from the inside out,
and my brain starts screaming with the knowledge that it's shutting down.

Then i want to stop,
so that I can breathe again and figure that i actually wanted to.

When purples fade to grey

I've been rushing projects for the most part :/
and no, I haven't been unpacking. Which basically means I still can't get to the mirror in my room.

We've hit mid-week!
I've gotten the schedules for my classes and the first is tomorrow. Which also happens to be the due date of my projects. of course, I'm supposed to have finished them by tonight/ tomorrow morning which gives is supposed to give me peace of mind.
Thought right now of course, it sort of doesn't.

It's an exciting year coming up and my schedules are kind to me.
There's still lots of stuff to do though, where it concerns the degree though. This is the year where I wrap everything up, send applications in and all that bullshit.

SO
I've got 54 credits before I finish the degree, and just about 15 more subjects to complete.
Just the numbers alone are dizzying. Gosh.
Busy busy year we have, don't we?

What I did on my first Saturday back in Singapore

Yep, two days in and back to work(:
I was particularly happy because it's been half a year since we've met up and all that.
Big IS Gorgeous has been going fantastic and they've even recruited new models (who looked really good unlike Richard).
I wasn't shooting for BIG this time though, there were three gorgeous girls for that (two of whom were twins!) This time, I was shooting for The Plus Factor, which is the side of BIG targeting both male and female youths!


Sorry, they both looked so cute, I had to put them up here!
Besides the shoot for Plus Factor (which was just a since we're going to be in the studio anyway sort of thing) there was theee main reason for everyone being all prettied up and falling asleep waiting for their turn!
Samsul has designed a line of wedding dresses!
SO, most of the rest were dolled up in wedding-styled clothes (though not necessarily all poofy and veily).
Ernie was in for the bellydancers photoshoot. Yep, BIG has bellydancing classes!
This is the first time we've shot together! (:
The twins- Eva and Dana, Fizzy (who's missed backstage updates as much as I have) and me!


Fizzy is the only straight designer I know. Which should irk me, considering how many times he's seen us completely and utterly naked and helped us adjust our bra, but it doesn't.
We're gonna come up with an online shop selling our designed stuffs! (though you should get his dresses cos all i'm coming up with is a series of random tees.)I looove this picture. The one in red, on the left, is Vicky. She's a client turned new model for BIG but she's so brilliantly well porportioned and hot. I am NOT kidding you, you should've seen her in the dress with the plunging neckline and strapped in wasit!
In the chair is Amelia and the guy is Sean/Shawn, who I just found out, is a year younger than me! They're winners of that yearly teen pageant thingy. Okay, I've no idea what it's called so i'm not gonna try.
My hair was let down and done this way so I'd look more vibrant/youthful/un-old-hagish.
Photographs from Fizzy's camera!
Let's hope the blue moon comes quicker next time. <3

Amazingly, I was done within two hours of arriving. Which is absolutely unheard of!
Ranjeet's long out of CDC, BUT if we thought we'd never see him again, I must've been low on chocolate and smokes, because he's working with BIG. Which explains why he's there:D

BIG's been busy with a massive amount of projects, causing Sham's hair to go from blue to green to blonde (as it still was when I saw it) within the week of her dying it.
Big IS Gorgeous is even helping low income families and single moms by (upon them signing up) sending them for a three month tailoring course and then paying them to sew the dresses that we model in.
YEP THAT'S RIGHT!
No more importing clothes from Thailand or US or wherever!
They're now designed by us (Well, Samsul first) and then, hand-tailored IN singapore.
This also allows these mothers to work from home and look after their kids.

I think this is one of the things that I'm happiest about:D

Anyhoos, it's back to work this coming Friday for me.
I've got three projects to finish BY Thursday so, keeping my fingers crossed. But you can't get em all, so I'm hoping my 5 out of six assignments being full marks will pull me up.
My GPA isn't very good right now.
BUT I'll admit that I'm quite happy because if I maintain my Grade Point Average, then I'll be able to get into most of the Universities that I'm looking up via the trust World Wide Web.

YAY ME!
and yeah, it's nice being back(:

This is impossible.
My stopover in Taiwan is eleven hours. I hate the whole being so freaking close and yet so far away. The worst bit is the wait. Groan.

We'll probably be able to get out of the airport for walkabouts and all that.
But still.

eurgh

All left in bubble wrap and plastic

Glenn's aaaaalways eyeing my yoghurt!
Aurora the Penguin! Save the animals because they love you too!


So we've pretty much just been busy having a swell time, eating Ghiradelli brownies for breakfast and having coffee so strong that IF I got affected by coffee, I'd be buzzing after half a cup.

But too much chocolate, just like other good things like sex, cotton candy and sleep gets one a widdle bit dizzy. (I just said that because I had a couple of bites of brownie)

ANYWAY,
it's the second last day of being in gorgeous, brilliant San Gabriel and the world has already begun! Everyone's back at school/ work/ bum-busyness.
I've just got one more important present to pick up in Taipei. Other than that, I've completed all my shopping. I'm even too lazy to buy booze at DFS, yeah, fo' shizz man. Imagine that.

Today's my pap-pap's actual birthday, so we'll be going out with my gramps today.
It's strangely sad actually, because I haven't seen much of my grandparents since coming back from Frisco. For one, my granny was ill for a while. As were quite a few people actually. We seem to have given them a very nice Christmas present- our cold.

Believe it or not, I'm completely done with packing. Developing of my 110mm film will def. have to wait til I'm back in Singapore because they don't do it here.

There's that whole air around of constantly packing and repacking, making things easier and more convenient. Fortunately (or Unfortunately) I'm still quite fresh from my move and so, am quite proud of the way I've packed things. Out of my four pairs of new shoes, I've taken two out of their boxes. One of them being a pair of five-ish inch heels which can be doubled up as a weapon. Had to wrap that up in a skirt which i did NOT use this trip. Bloody waste of space I say! Two skirts which I didn't wear, terribly disappointed with myself, can't stand it. It's taking up precious space, I'll have you know!

Anyway, I'm off to soak up precious remaining minutes here.

xoxo

You can never get far enough away from them weirdos

Crikey, they follow you all around don't they?
I've just been getting the most absurd friendster messages these days! That's what that site's become now, has it?
My word!

I bought TLC's Christmas present today and just finished packing all my stuff, save for what I'll need in the next couple of days.
Now everyone sayyyy,
"YAY CHARIS!"
That's right, my entire holiday, being wrapped up in plastic, in bubble wrap, in new clothes and put away.

I watched Transformers too(((:
Complete with surround sound, although they kept going on at me for not catching it in theaters.
My cousin's wife went to watch it three times!

Bed time now. it's half past two on a monday morning.

I am so incredibly frustrated right now.
But it's not bad enough, because actually my day has been incredibly fantastic, as has been my evening, as has been my entire trip.
But then there's all these tiny in-betweens that are impossibly infuriating.

Of course, when those are noted then it's sorted out.
But otherwise.
And God, I'm probably not making any sense at all to you right now.

But it's really times like these that I seriously appreciate my immediate family.

"Just remember kid, it's all bullshit"

So my New Years' Day was quite fantastic. No biggo party, but I checked out the University I'm hoping to get into, had great brunch and came home to those legendary home-cooked dinners that we've been having SO DAMN much of but I swear, one does not get sick of.

Back when I was dating Alastair, my entirefamily clan knew about it within the first half year and my cousins, (over-protective, amazing and caring cousins they are), said,
"Well lets see how much he eats, first."

The Little Creature has been on Joejoe's xbox most of this time, finding her way around Assassin's Creed. Well, what she did in an hour, my cousin's friends (boys, all of them) took five hours.
So kudos to her(:

It's great here, as it always is. I'm happy as a clam and glad like a furry caterpillar.

So today saw me having a nice breakfast, before heading to the movies with my cousin where we caught Yes Man. Shame, I'm gunning for movies which aren't released in Asia yet. TEE HEE.
Fucking hilarious, as was Marley & Me, which we saw on New Year's Eve Night (and which made me cry like fuck)

My pap-pap's party celebrating his eightieth is tomorrow evening. After that, it'll mean three more days til I'm on the eleven o clock flight to Singapore where I can get my free baby kangaroo from Victor!

Believe it or not, after four pairs of shoes, pretty pink things from Victoria's Secret and my hoard of Christmas presents, I'm a bit lazy to shop.

Omg, I just measured my shoes and realized that they're only five and a quarter inch (the highest pair, from Aldo). Shit. Gonna have to get one that beats my six inch now. So ignore the last sentence. haha.

Anyway, a couple of movies that you guys ought to catch once it's out in Singapore
(Just in case you guys haven't caught the trailers) --
Bride Wars
He's just not that into you
Watchmen (it's great for the guys too!)

Anyway, I'm off for Banana Split after dinner at a place called Fosselman which has been around since my granduncle was a born. Which is like, 1913 or something.

I've got fantastic news to tell you guys when I'm back. hehe

That is Why

I think,
that the most beautiful thing in the world,
is knowing that you have the power to hurt yourself more than anyone else.
And that you can control that hurt and channel it, til it runs through you and helps you breathe.

To 2009

Pop the champagne for me, because there's no alcohol, here on New Year's.
The night out with my cousin's family was great, complete with fantastic dinner and a movie and lovely dessert.

It's quieter this year, a lot quieter.
It's also the first year that my mommy's got somewhere to be and I don't. I'm glad for her though, because she wouldn't have this much fun on a New Year's back in Singapore. It's just that well, I don't have anywhere to be.

But quiet is good.
They often say that the way you enter into the New Year is the way you'll be for the rest of the year. If this means quiet and at the computer for me, I don't quite mind I suppose.
Big year ahead to prep for.
By big I mean, it's this stepping stone to a lot of other bits and pieces of my life.

I'll get to travel a bit. Quite a bit in fact, which I really like.
So, yay me(:

So 2008.
Well, 2008 is, well, over.
But it was also incredibly eventful with so many many things to remember and lock away.
Forget sweet sixteen and legal eighteen, the fun bit is the in between. (that SO rhymes, which sounds a bit cheesy but is cute nonetheless!)

So well, I went into this year with no expectations whatsoever. It's the year to be wasted, they all said, cos it's not like you can do a damn thing. Not legally anyways.

But, life is always what you don't plan for.
So I found myself grappling with stuff I wasn't ready for at the time, on top of getting scared now and then of growing up too fast and all that bullshit.

Anyway, it's probably just the inspiration of popsicle feeties and feeling sad,
but for the most part, I'm scared I'm not ready for 2009.
It's different. I don't have a major exam to be working up for. There's this consistency that I need, to guarantee me a place in University. And there's all that other crap, like which University, school fees, scholarships, loans. Things I used to just talk about with the knowledge that it was far away enough for me to still dream about.

I've been crying too much today.
And I'm crying thinking about one of the first things I cried about, which honestly shouldn't really matter.

There's so much I don't want to think about, but I know I'm deliberately not thinking about those things, which make me want to think about them even more.

Anyway, what the fuck, it's New Year's.
Alcohol isn't the only thing that makes me happy.

So, to a brilliant 2009 to the rest of you!

So, it's 11:15pm on New Year's Eve in San Gabriel, California.

And it's 11:15pm, on New Year's Eve.

MOMMY MOMMY, I TOLD YOU I HAD GOOD REASONS FOR MY GRADES!

pretty damn long road

I hate not knowing where I'm going,
or being dependent on other people to get where I'm going.
More specifically, I hate knowing that what I'm doing isn't quite enough yet.

If i was told, straight out, that'd I'd be living in Singapore for as long as I'm not legal, it'd be better than hopping around on one foot thinking I'd up and leave at any time.
I'm not going to up and leave at any time.

I don't hate Singapore anymore, you know.
I used to blame the country for every single fucking thing.
Oh my God it's raining on Christmas because it's Singapore.
Oh my God, my hair looks like a bird built a nest in it and left baby juice all over the place BECAUSE I'm in Singapore.
But I grew up there, and all my closest, best friends are there.
No matter where I "up and leave" to, I'll keep coming back to Singapore. (I always said it'd be a fantastic holiday place!)

So.
What do I want to do now?

I'm pretty damn lucky because my mom's not blocking me off from going anywhere. She's not even forcing me to get a scholarship because Uni fees cost an arm, a leg and all my Aldo shoes! She's always like, "If you wanna go there, I'll work it out and get you there."
So I'm pretty damn fucking lucky, I realize.

Sure, I want to get out of Singapore because I don't want to LIVE there.
But just so you know, it's not because I hate the place.
It's because I'm not home, and I'm not settled.

I've got a blog post talking about how I would never have things planned to the T. I plan to NOT plan in most cases.
But are the root of all those insecurities and little girl wants, I just really want to be settled.
To know that the house I come back to even after moving away for years, is mine, and is quite like how I remember it. I want to call it home, and not look around at things and wonder what I can chuck to make more space and to make moving less of a hassle.
Since I was four, everytime I blew out candles and made a wish, I wished to go back home, to UK. When I turned eight, I wished for mommy to come back home. I got that wish and went back to wishing for UK up til I turned twelve.
Then, every single wish I made, birthday or no birthday, coins-in-wells, 11:11s, shooting stars, I wished for our application to come through.

I didn't do that this year though.
I didn't want a cake, I didn't know what to wish for.
I guess I sort of had an inkling which I couldn't put words to. That was that I want to be settled.
I want to say,
"hey let me show you around my home."
I want to find something I left in a corner for twenty years.

Anyway,
I'm thinking, that after my Associates Degree, I might just stay in Singapore for a couple more years just to save on cost and stuff like that. Besides, my new place, once it's tidied up, won't be so bad(:
I don't know man, you can ask me when I'm back.

But whatever, I'll be back here for a month next year anyways.
(:

<3

Merry Merry Christmas!

It's half past nine, and although the Christmas party's over, it sure was fantastic!

There a few things that run in my family:
1) The guys are all, without a doubt, fantastic cooks.
2) We drink a lot. Like, I mean, a FUCKING lot.
3) We all sing and karaoke.
4) We drink a lot.

So I've got the last fifth of my fantastic, homemade sangria sitting right beside me and I'm realizing, it was a pretty damn good Christmas.
It wasn't one of those I was used to, where the day was packed to the hilt. In fact, it was too cold and rainy (it was just a drizzle but the strong winds get you wet ASAP) to even go out for two minutes for a bloody smoke.

So we stayed in the whole day, I packed my corner of the room and dozed off for a half hour before doing mommy's makeup for tonight.
It was superb, swear to God.

The men got to the kitchen (the women cook fantastically too, but it stops at my mom's generation and then bounces around the kids) and whipped up an absolute storm!
So other than a whole lot of Sashimi (yellowtail) and crackers with cheese and tiny pieces of bread with pate + garlic, we haaaaaaaaad,
DRUM ROLL

Lobster soup!
There were more than twenty people in the house, and I don't think we've finished up the food yet!
So there were lots of lobsters in the soup, delicious, huge ones. As well as cockles and what not. One of the ones i ate had a baby crab in it. ):
And mymy, for something that's been cooking since 9am in the morning, you bet it tasted better than something out of a restaurant!

So I sat around with my drink which seemed to get topped up as soon as I had more than two mouthfuls of it, listening to my mom's generation throw about their share of crazy (and some rather dirty) jokes.
When the second round of Sashimi came out, my aunt's close friend (kinda like an uncle anyway!), said,
"My God, this is better than sex!"
He also made out with two of my other uncles. Hahaha, they are so incredibly mad! Their get-together reminds me of my nights out at random wine bars.
HEHE

Anyway, if there's anything better than Black Friday Sales (The day after Thanksgiving. One Walmart Employee was TRAMPLED to death this year), it's after Christmas sales.
More specifically, according to my cousin, after-New Year's Sales.
However, you might miss out your fair share that's been snitched up by the early birds.

Jc Penny's opening their doors at 5.30am tomorrow!
Bloody Hell, I really wanna go.
:/

Anyway, my throat's going crazy on me and I'm coming down with something terrible so ought to get to bed. Shit, I'm feverish.
Yep, at eleven on a Christmas night.
Diddums.

Can't wait to go to San Francisco. Think I need family time, been feeling very very VERY suffocated.

So, as a last off to all you knob-nibblers and Muff Munchers,
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

xoxo

Happy Christmas

I'm getting sick of the word "merry".

It's Christmas, and it's my 517th post.
There's a whole lot of stuff that point to certain days being special but you know, whatever.

Everything and everywhere's closed, here on Christmas day.
So I bathed in the morning (which must mean it's damn special because just imagine the cold!),
and spent the next half hour on my makeup and whatever, and then realized thaaaaaat
we ain't goin' nowhere today.

Not that I mind, I guess.
My throat hurts like crazy, think I'm coming down with something.

Anyway, random update for you guys!
Number of new pairs of shoes at this point: Three!
A pair of gorgeous Aldo heels (for an unbelievable price!) which are a bit higher than my six inchies.
A gorgeous pair of new boots from Nine West
Tommy Hilfiger black flats.

I don't know why the older generation seem to have this grotesque habit of shouting at the lump in bed, before checking anything.
My grandma starts yelling at my mother's ill and sleeping figure, and my grandfather just yelled at my aunt who's also sick and in bed.
I'm ill but I think I'm gonna go out for a walk instead.
Christ.

Anyway, I headed out to Pasadena with Aunty Joanna yesterday. Everywhere was shut, even most of the restaurants. So we went to The Cheesecake Factory where I had a gorgeous rasberry cheesecake.


My my! What a lovely Christmas.
(sorry couldn't help that)
It's nice, really. I would say nice and quiet but it's not.


Oh yes, the first thing that happened to me on Christmas Day (like, after I woke up) :
My grandma walked in on her daughter (my mom) opening her present from us.
"Is it for their uncle?" She asks in cantonese. My mom says it's hers but my grandmother's rattling on and doesn't here.
"It's a fantastic gift for their uncle, considering their drinking habits and all that!"
"It's for me, mom." My mother says.
I'm right next to her, watching her open her present because I love watching people open presents.
"So you've to bring that on the plane? Hand-carry?!" My grandmother says, her voice raising.
Voices raise very easily over here.
"I guess," My mom says, smiling at me, "It's lovely."
"WAH!" My grandmother exclaims, "HOU (hen) HOU STUPID AH!"
Doesn't stop at just that though.
"Very very stupid! Very stupid!"

I push past and go into the living room, where starting from a couple of hours ago, the family's been unwrapping presents and whatnot.
"Merry Christmas!" I say. Like I was never in that room.
And as if to push me past any limits I might have, my grandmother comes into the living room, my mom trailing behind her, and she's still yelling,
"SO STUPID. SO STUPID TO BUY THIS THING!"

It was a five piece martini set.

My mom told me not to bother about what she said. But it's not that easy, really.
Still, I don't think I should whip out my blade on Christmas day.
Now I'm just trying to pick between comfort/ease/thrill as opposed to uhm, well nothing.

Don't worry, I won't.
I think I'm going to let my OCD kick in and start packing my fantastic buys.

After a bit of me-time in the cold of course.

Every other season comes along
And I'm all right...
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

To the darlings who read this<3

I am eons away from Christmas as I write this.
But I absolutely couldn't wait,
so I've actually delayed this and hopefully this'll pop up on Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day.

You know, the day that I can't actually BE around but am desperately hoping that my darlings back in Singapore are having the time of their lives!

This is also just in case I can't post this in time for Christmas due to, I don't know,
Muff-munching and knob-nibbling.
Of sorts.

Kidding.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY ABSOLUTE DARLINGS BACK IN SINGAPORE.
Miss you like fucking CRAZY.

(written in October 2008. But I know for a fact I'd be missing you guys when the time comes. heh)

11:11! Make a wish! <3

xoxo

and there are penguins, passed out in cocktail glasses and smiling at me with glazed eyes.

I still think I look awful and that you look incredibly cute.
So, indulge me.


I'm sitting in my red jammies. The ones TLC bought for me last Christmas. Mommy's in her matching white ones, with penguins all over it.

It's been a nice day, although it seemed particularly short.
Was incredibly cold and my mood ring(which is spoilt, and so, shows the opposite colour) turned a very very dark blue.(usually it means it's very hot, but my ring is a bit mad)
So, as wished upon me, I stuffed my face with cotton candy which was a lovely swirl of both pink and blue and cost about five bucks and COULD NOT be finished, even among JoeJoe (my cousin), TLC and I. Wow, eh?
So it's sitting in the fridge and is very nice and fluffy. I loooove.

We also bought slabs of fudge, as we always do.
It's just like, omg, just like insanely good, solidified chocolate.

My grandmother gave me this very cute ring, with real, albeit tiny, diamonds in it and a small ruby in the centre, alongside a couple of stones.
It's very pretty but, because she's so small,it only fits on my ring finger.
Mommy says it's perfect then, for keeping boys away. What in the world!

Anyway, it's not doing me much good, an hour into Christmas eve and listening to such a sad sappy, lonely song.
While back in Singapore, I scheduled a Christmas post for you girls, just in case I never managed to get to a computer. Keep a look out hons(:

I hear D's coming back! Please hug her for me(:

Have fun you guys.
KNN that sounded rather sad. I'm not.
Have fun!

xoxo

Vicky baby, I found the song on youtube.
Which is better than nofink!
Well, I think yours was funnier and longer. hmm

omg! look what my cousin made me watch!

Lucky

very

So it's the end of my second day here.
I've bought a tonne of stuff (which obviously I WILL take pictures of to put up).
We headed down to the factory outlets where, although Guess shades till cost fifty bucks a pop, my gorgeous boots from Nine West only cost sixty bucks.

It feels like forever since I travelled with my family.
I guess the last one was supposed to be for relaxation, when we went to Bintan (even that one to Batam was rather crazy).

My grandma said I lost weight though! yay me.

On a more plus side,
the cigars were peeeeerdy damn cheap at DFS.
dayum! (got that from TLC telling me about perez hilton and wanted to try it out. sounds cute)
Dayum.

It's my 510th post

And,
I'm in LA.

The journey was nice, but obviously we're all quite jetlagged.
I guess it's perpetuated by the move and the fact that we did not sleep at all right before flying off.
Should've brought Heather, they've got wireless, unlike last time.
Anyways, it'd have been better not bringing her than bringing her for naught.

It's nine pm right now, we're still on Sunday (Dec 21st) and I'm just going to shower and freaking crawl into bed because I am insanely tired.
I've always been excited about coming to LA.
The anticipation is sometimes the best part.

Well, I was too busy and tired to look forward to the trip. Coupled with this expectation that it's not all going to be ladeeda-ish and we might very well just be left to our own devices this trip. But it's been great in the first few hours, and I almost feel bad for having expected any less.

Their hugs are still just as tight, my grandmother's talk of me (to the relatives) just as fond, my aunts and uncles just as doting.
The celebratory dinner tonight was really nice. The entire family, plus some friends, came down. My cousin turned twenty-nine and we had a gorgeous tiramisu cake.

I've been speaking more cantonese than English, except to my sister.
Especially because my youngest cousin speaks brilliant cantonese in all her five years of age. It is sooo utterly adorable.

I'll be Christmas shopping tomorrow.

Give Bird hugs for me because I can only blow kisses at my screen,
and Thank You Victor, for picking up the shit we've left in pieces.

Love you guys, will update(:

She'll be riding on an elephant when she comes.

The beginning of my trip is countable hours away.
I'm thrilled, really I am.
But I look up around my room and think that it looks like i might be living here for another week or so.

There's half a million things to do and for the best part of it, I feel like I can't breathe or like I can't get through the day without at least half a million cigarettes and a sharpened penknife well within reach.
I hate feeling so incredibly out of control when it comes to these sort of things.

I've repacked lots actually.
I need to just go, okay to hell with it and chuck the fucking knick-knacks into the red box that victor bought for my family.
There's so many that you feel, if you sort through it long enough, you'll be able to throw more out.
That might just hold truth in it, but I don't have "long enough" right now.
I really really don't.

I want to be so, so ready for tomorrow.
But it doesn't feel like I could be.

And I'm scared.

Bird's party was nice, quieter than expected, but I spent the bulk of it catching up and putting in my two dollars worth here and there.
PS: I love you Bird(:

My 110mm film's arrived and I am so so scared. I think I've fucked up the entire roll already lah, bloody hell.
Listen for the click.
AIYAH, CLICK CLICK CLICK I CAN'T SEEM TO TELL, BLOODY HELL.

Please don't be a waste, oh Please.

It's 18 degrees and I'm freezing.
It'll be 13 degrees over in LA and colder still, in Frisco. Okay, I probably won't be sitting around very often in just a top and knickers, but nonetheless!
I'm looking forward to all that I've been missing out on. I really am.
Anywhere out of Singapore's fantastic.
And I've somehow managed to always feel quite at home.
What the hell, I miss UK and want to go back nownownow!

Randomness aside,
I'd better get packing.

I'm bringing Heather with me, but just in case I can't get access to the net, which is quite possible unless I'm using a home computer (i don't know if I should bring Heather, think I'll leave her here), I've got a scheduled post coming out on Christmas Eve.

All my love, hugs and kisses!

"Well I guess you'll just have to cancel your trip then."
Jean, the landlady tells my mother.
Jean, pastor's wife. Jean, saying it only in the nicest way possible.
Jean, who I don't think would be paying the $2000 a ticket per person if we cancelled our trip.
Who probably has not had to pack up an entire fucking life into limited cardboard boxes (and reuse them too).

By the way, the church they pastor at is the church my parents went to in London.
The one they got married in, and the one where I got water sprinkled onto me as a baby. Thank God not by them though.

It's not her fault that we're behind time, it's not her fault that we're moving into a tinier apartment or that we even had to rent in the first place.
I'm not blaming her.
I just thought I might count on goodwill and graciousness.

So I've been packing and unpacking the whole day.
But as luck would have had it, it's one of those time that I'm settled at Heather, amongst the mess in my room, that my mom comes in to tell me the results of her conversation with Jean.

I slept at half past four this morning and was up by eight.
I didn't get a nap, my limbs are shaking, my eye is twitching and I might not be able to go to my close friend's party tomorrow.
But it doesn't piss me off. That feels like it'll take a whole lot of energy.
Everything makes me want to curl up and wish it all away.

I can cry and bawl all I want, but it's not going to help a thing.

I'm not doing enough. That's it, isn't it?
I'm not doing enough.

All I want to do right now is find a corner that won't run away from me.

I'm almost here, now

The picture isn't dated. It's not in black and white, but still, I'm guessing the cameras back then didn't date the pictures it took.
My mother and father sit back to back on a low brick wall, smiling at the camera.

It's 1998, and we're at Fort Canning Country Club.
My mom and dad, my little sister and I, we're all sitting on the same side of the table for the posing of the picture.
We're at table twenty-eight, and the only bottle of sauce is a bottle of Ketchup.
The white, glossy marble table, with it's yellow checkered placemats, has plates with tiny bits of leftover food still on it. The water glasses are almost full.
It's the end of February, which means that it was one of those dinners celebrating both my sister's and my own birthday together, because daddy can't be around for both.
Janice is in a pink sleeveless dress with huge white polka dots on it, sitting on daddy's lap.
I'm leaned close against mommy, with my new t-shirt, a birthday present, held up against my body like I can fool the camera into thinking I'm wearing it.
Our smiles reach our eyes, I don't know if they reach my parents'.

It's Christmas Eve 1998. Daddy's in the middle of the beige two-seat leather sofa with Janice and I leaning against him in our little white dresses. I'm wearing a thin hairband which I remember is a very light, pale green. But it looks like it's white in the photograph. It looks like I match.
There's a picture of my mother in her wedding dress, sitting in a glossy pearly pink frame.
It's on the side table behind us, and my mother is behind the camera.

It's early 1999. February 7th 1999. I'm sitting on daddy's lap in a black and white striped dress with a small tweety bird iron-on patch in the corner. There's a bag of Mrs Field's cookies in my hand.
We're at City hall, right outside Starbucks, and I'm leaned back against my daddy's shoulder, caught in a half laugh-half smile, my eyes in squints.

It's October 1999, and my mother's crying on her birthday.
It's her first birthday after the separation. We surprised her with a chocolate cake and got her to come back home for it.
The camera catches her red eyes and red nose, smiling hard.
I smile harder. I would do anything to bring her back home.

It's November 2004. Janice and I are standing in between Chip & Dale at Florida, Orlando's Disney World.
We've both grown our hair out. I wear mine in a braid and she has hers in a loose ponytail.
We're both so skinny you can see our collarbones.
It's the last picture in which there are four.

I don't know what I'm wishing for anymore.

The stack of photos are placed beside a huge box with my parents' wedding album in it.
It's a deep, gorgeous velvet book, containing the most beautiful pictures.
"I'm giving this to Daddy," I say, placing a collection of Noddy's Christmas Tales beside the huge box.
Mommy smiles at me, "Now it's his turn to read Gayle stories!"
There's a stack of newly printed photographs on my bed, not far off from the stack of old photos I've picked up and put down again.
Abigayle (Gayle for short) is in the first picture, a spitting image of Janice.
It's 2008, Gayle is less than a year old and reaching for the fork in daddy's hand.
The pictures are a couple of centimeters away from each other.

Who knew you could fit an entire world in that tiny space.