MOMMY MOMMY, I TOLD YOU I HAD GOOD REASONS FOR MY GRADES!

pretty damn long road

I hate not knowing where I'm going,
or being dependent on other people to get where I'm going.
More specifically, I hate knowing that what I'm doing isn't quite enough yet.

If i was told, straight out, that'd I'd be living in Singapore for as long as I'm not legal, it'd be better than hopping around on one foot thinking I'd up and leave at any time.
I'm not going to up and leave at any time.

I don't hate Singapore anymore, you know.
I used to blame the country for every single fucking thing.
Oh my God it's raining on Christmas because it's Singapore.
Oh my God, my hair looks like a bird built a nest in it and left baby juice all over the place BECAUSE I'm in Singapore.
But I grew up there, and all my closest, best friends are there.
No matter where I "up and leave" to, I'll keep coming back to Singapore. (I always said it'd be a fantastic holiday place!)

So.
What do I want to do now?

I'm pretty damn lucky because my mom's not blocking me off from going anywhere. She's not even forcing me to get a scholarship because Uni fees cost an arm, a leg and all my Aldo shoes! She's always like, "If you wanna go there, I'll work it out and get you there."
So I'm pretty damn fucking lucky, I realize.

Sure, I want to get out of Singapore because I don't want to LIVE there.
But just so you know, it's not because I hate the place.
It's because I'm not home, and I'm not settled.

I've got a blog post talking about how I would never have things planned to the T. I plan to NOT plan in most cases.
But are the root of all those insecurities and little girl wants, I just really want to be settled.
To know that the house I come back to even after moving away for years, is mine, and is quite like how I remember it. I want to call it home, and not look around at things and wonder what I can chuck to make more space and to make moving less of a hassle.
Since I was four, everytime I blew out candles and made a wish, I wished to go back home, to UK. When I turned eight, I wished for mommy to come back home. I got that wish and went back to wishing for UK up til I turned twelve.
Then, every single wish I made, birthday or no birthday, coins-in-wells, 11:11s, shooting stars, I wished for our application to come through.

I didn't do that this year though.
I didn't want a cake, I didn't know what to wish for.
I guess I sort of had an inkling which I couldn't put words to. That was that I want to be settled.
I want to say,
"hey let me show you around my home."
I want to find something I left in a corner for twenty years.

Anyway,
I'm thinking, that after my Associates Degree, I might just stay in Singapore for a couple more years just to save on cost and stuff like that. Besides, my new place, once it's tidied up, won't be so bad(:
I don't know man, you can ask me when I'm back.

But whatever, I'll be back here for a month next year anyways.
(:

<3

Merry Merry Christmas!

It's half past nine, and although the Christmas party's over, it sure was fantastic!

There a few things that run in my family:
1) The guys are all, without a doubt, fantastic cooks.
2) We drink a lot. Like, I mean, a FUCKING lot.
3) We all sing and karaoke.
4) We drink a lot.

So I've got the last fifth of my fantastic, homemade sangria sitting right beside me and I'm realizing, it was a pretty damn good Christmas.
It wasn't one of those I was used to, where the day was packed to the hilt. In fact, it was too cold and rainy (it was just a drizzle but the strong winds get you wet ASAP) to even go out for two minutes for a bloody smoke.

So we stayed in the whole day, I packed my corner of the room and dozed off for a half hour before doing mommy's makeup for tonight.
It was superb, swear to God.

The men got to the kitchen (the women cook fantastically too, but it stops at my mom's generation and then bounces around the kids) and whipped up an absolute storm!
So other than a whole lot of Sashimi (yellowtail) and crackers with cheese and tiny pieces of bread with pate + garlic, we haaaaaaaaad,
DRUM ROLL

Lobster soup!
There were more than twenty people in the house, and I don't think we've finished up the food yet!
So there were lots of lobsters in the soup, delicious, huge ones. As well as cockles and what not. One of the ones i ate had a baby crab in it. ):
And mymy, for something that's been cooking since 9am in the morning, you bet it tasted better than something out of a restaurant!

So I sat around with my drink which seemed to get topped up as soon as I had more than two mouthfuls of it, listening to my mom's generation throw about their share of crazy (and some rather dirty) jokes.
When the second round of Sashimi came out, my aunt's close friend (kinda like an uncle anyway!), said,
"My God, this is better than sex!"
He also made out with two of my other uncles. Hahaha, they are so incredibly mad! Their get-together reminds me of my nights out at random wine bars.
HEHE

Anyway, if there's anything better than Black Friday Sales (The day after Thanksgiving. One Walmart Employee was TRAMPLED to death this year), it's after Christmas sales.
More specifically, according to my cousin, after-New Year's Sales.
However, you might miss out your fair share that's been snitched up by the early birds.

Jc Penny's opening their doors at 5.30am tomorrow!
Bloody Hell, I really wanna go.
:/

Anyway, my throat's going crazy on me and I'm coming down with something terrible so ought to get to bed. Shit, I'm feverish.
Yep, at eleven on a Christmas night.
Diddums.

Can't wait to go to San Francisco. Think I need family time, been feeling very very VERY suffocated.

So, as a last off to all you knob-nibblers and Muff Munchers,
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

xoxo

Happy Christmas

I'm getting sick of the word "merry".

It's Christmas, and it's my 517th post.
There's a whole lot of stuff that point to certain days being special but you know, whatever.

Everything and everywhere's closed, here on Christmas day.
So I bathed in the morning (which must mean it's damn special because just imagine the cold!),
and spent the next half hour on my makeup and whatever, and then realized thaaaaaat
we ain't goin' nowhere today.

Not that I mind, I guess.
My throat hurts like crazy, think I'm coming down with something.

Anyway, random update for you guys!
Number of new pairs of shoes at this point: Three!
A pair of gorgeous Aldo heels (for an unbelievable price!) which are a bit higher than my six inchies.
A gorgeous pair of new boots from Nine West
Tommy Hilfiger black flats.

I don't know why the older generation seem to have this grotesque habit of shouting at the lump in bed, before checking anything.
My grandma starts yelling at my mother's ill and sleeping figure, and my grandfather just yelled at my aunt who's also sick and in bed.
I'm ill but I think I'm gonna go out for a walk instead.
Christ.

Anyway, I headed out to Pasadena with Aunty Joanna yesterday. Everywhere was shut, even most of the restaurants. So we went to The Cheesecake Factory where I had a gorgeous rasberry cheesecake.


My my! What a lovely Christmas.
(sorry couldn't help that)
It's nice, really. I would say nice and quiet but it's not.


Oh yes, the first thing that happened to me on Christmas Day (like, after I woke up) :
My grandma walked in on her daughter (my mom) opening her present from us.
"Is it for their uncle?" She asks in cantonese. My mom says it's hers but my grandmother's rattling on and doesn't here.
"It's a fantastic gift for their uncle, considering their drinking habits and all that!"
"It's for me, mom." My mother says.
I'm right next to her, watching her open her present because I love watching people open presents.
"So you've to bring that on the plane? Hand-carry?!" My grandmother says, her voice raising.
Voices raise very easily over here.
"I guess," My mom says, smiling at me, "It's lovely."
"WAH!" My grandmother exclaims, "HOU (hen) HOU STUPID AH!"
Doesn't stop at just that though.
"Very very stupid! Very stupid!"

I push past and go into the living room, where starting from a couple of hours ago, the family's been unwrapping presents and whatnot.
"Merry Christmas!" I say. Like I was never in that room.
And as if to push me past any limits I might have, my grandmother comes into the living room, my mom trailing behind her, and she's still yelling,
"SO STUPID. SO STUPID TO BUY THIS THING!"

It was a five piece martini set.

My mom told me not to bother about what she said. But it's not that easy, really.
Still, I don't think I should whip out my blade on Christmas day.
Now I'm just trying to pick between comfort/ease/thrill as opposed to uhm, well nothing.

Don't worry, I won't.
I think I'm going to let my OCD kick in and start packing my fantastic buys.

After a bit of me-time in the cold of course.

Every other season comes along
And I'm all right...
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

To the darlings who read this<3

I am eons away from Christmas as I write this.
But I absolutely couldn't wait,
so I've actually delayed this and hopefully this'll pop up on Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day.

You know, the day that I can't actually BE around but am desperately hoping that my darlings back in Singapore are having the time of their lives!

This is also just in case I can't post this in time for Christmas due to, I don't know,
Muff-munching and knob-nibbling.
Of sorts.

Kidding.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY ABSOLUTE DARLINGS BACK IN SINGAPORE.
Miss you like fucking CRAZY.

(written in October 2008. But I know for a fact I'd be missing you guys when the time comes. heh)

11:11! Make a wish! <3

xoxo

and there are penguins, passed out in cocktail glasses and smiling at me with glazed eyes.

I still think I look awful and that you look incredibly cute.
So, indulge me.


I'm sitting in my red jammies. The ones TLC bought for me last Christmas. Mommy's in her matching white ones, with penguins all over it.

It's been a nice day, although it seemed particularly short.
Was incredibly cold and my mood ring(which is spoilt, and so, shows the opposite colour) turned a very very dark blue.(usually it means it's very hot, but my ring is a bit mad)
So, as wished upon me, I stuffed my face with cotton candy which was a lovely swirl of both pink and blue and cost about five bucks and COULD NOT be finished, even among JoeJoe (my cousin), TLC and I. Wow, eh?
So it's sitting in the fridge and is very nice and fluffy. I loooove.

We also bought slabs of fudge, as we always do.
It's just like, omg, just like insanely good, solidified chocolate.

My grandmother gave me this very cute ring, with real, albeit tiny, diamonds in it and a small ruby in the centre, alongside a couple of stones.
It's very pretty but, because she's so small,it only fits on my ring finger.
Mommy says it's perfect then, for keeping boys away. What in the world!

Anyway, it's not doing me much good, an hour into Christmas eve and listening to such a sad sappy, lonely song.
While back in Singapore, I scheduled a Christmas post for you girls, just in case I never managed to get to a computer. Keep a look out hons(:

I hear D's coming back! Please hug her for me(:

Have fun you guys.
KNN that sounded rather sad. I'm not.
Have fun!

xoxo

Vicky baby, I found the song on youtube.
Which is better than nofink!
Well, I think yours was funnier and longer. hmm

omg! look what my cousin made me watch!

Lucky

very

So it's the end of my second day here.
I've bought a tonne of stuff (which obviously I WILL take pictures of to put up).
We headed down to the factory outlets where, although Guess shades till cost fifty bucks a pop, my gorgeous boots from Nine West only cost sixty bucks.

It feels like forever since I travelled with my family.
I guess the last one was supposed to be for relaxation, when we went to Bintan (even that one to Batam was rather crazy).

My grandma said I lost weight though! yay me.

On a more plus side,
the cigars were peeeeerdy damn cheap at DFS.
dayum! (got that from TLC telling me about perez hilton and wanted to try it out. sounds cute)
Dayum.

It's my 510th post

And,
I'm in LA.

The journey was nice, but obviously we're all quite jetlagged.
I guess it's perpetuated by the move and the fact that we did not sleep at all right before flying off.
Should've brought Heather, they've got wireless, unlike last time.
Anyways, it'd have been better not bringing her than bringing her for naught.

It's nine pm right now, we're still on Sunday (Dec 21st) and I'm just going to shower and freaking crawl into bed because I am insanely tired.
I've always been excited about coming to LA.
The anticipation is sometimes the best part.

Well, I was too busy and tired to look forward to the trip. Coupled with this expectation that it's not all going to be ladeeda-ish and we might very well just be left to our own devices this trip. But it's been great in the first few hours, and I almost feel bad for having expected any less.

Their hugs are still just as tight, my grandmother's talk of me (to the relatives) just as fond, my aunts and uncles just as doting.
The celebratory dinner tonight was really nice. The entire family, plus some friends, came down. My cousin turned twenty-nine and we had a gorgeous tiramisu cake.

I've been speaking more cantonese than English, except to my sister.
Especially because my youngest cousin speaks brilliant cantonese in all her five years of age. It is sooo utterly adorable.

I'll be Christmas shopping tomorrow.

Give Bird hugs for me because I can only blow kisses at my screen,
and Thank You Victor, for picking up the shit we've left in pieces.

Love you guys, will update(:

She'll be riding on an elephant when she comes.

The beginning of my trip is countable hours away.
I'm thrilled, really I am.
But I look up around my room and think that it looks like i might be living here for another week or so.

There's half a million things to do and for the best part of it, I feel like I can't breathe or like I can't get through the day without at least half a million cigarettes and a sharpened penknife well within reach.
I hate feeling so incredibly out of control when it comes to these sort of things.

I've repacked lots actually.
I need to just go, okay to hell with it and chuck the fucking knick-knacks into the red box that victor bought for my family.
There's so many that you feel, if you sort through it long enough, you'll be able to throw more out.
That might just hold truth in it, but I don't have "long enough" right now.
I really really don't.

I want to be so, so ready for tomorrow.
But it doesn't feel like I could be.

And I'm scared.

Bird's party was nice, quieter than expected, but I spent the bulk of it catching up and putting in my two dollars worth here and there.
PS: I love you Bird(:

My 110mm film's arrived and I am so so scared. I think I've fucked up the entire roll already lah, bloody hell.
Listen for the click.
AIYAH, CLICK CLICK CLICK I CAN'T SEEM TO TELL, BLOODY HELL.

Please don't be a waste, oh Please.

It's 18 degrees and I'm freezing.
It'll be 13 degrees over in LA and colder still, in Frisco. Okay, I probably won't be sitting around very often in just a top and knickers, but nonetheless!
I'm looking forward to all that I've been missing out on. I really am.
Anywhere out of Singapore's fantastic.
And I've somehow managed to always feel quite at home.
What the hell, I miss UK and want to go back nownownow!

Randomness aside,
I'd better get packing.

I'm bringing Heather with me, but just in case I can't get access to the net, which is quite possible unless I'm using a home computer (i don't know if I should bring Heather, think I'll leave her here), I've got a scheduled post coming out on Christmas Eve.

All my love, hugs and kisses!

"Well I guess you'll just have to cancel your trip then."
Jean, the landlady tells my mother.
Jean, pastor's wife. Jean, saying it only in the nicest way possible.
Jean, who I don't think would be paying the $2000 a ticket per person if we cancelled our trip.
Who probably has not had to pack up an entire fucking life into limited cardboard boxes (and reuse them too).

By the way, the church they pastor at is the church my parents went to in London.
The one they got married in, and the one where I got water sprinkled onto me as a baby. Thank God not by them though.

It's not her fault that we're behind time, it's not her fault that we're moving into a tinier apartment or that we even had to rent in the first place.
I'm not blaming her.
I just thought I might count on goodwill and graciousness.

So I've been packing and unpacking the whole day.
But as luck would have had it, it's one of those time that I'm settled at Heather, amongst the mess in my room, that my mom comes in to tell me the results of her conversation with Jean.

I slept at half past four this morning and was up by eight.
I didn't get a nap, my limbs are shaking, my eye is twitching and I might not be able to go to my close friend's party tomorrow.
But it doesn't piss me off. That feels like it'll take a whole lot of energy.
Everything makes me want to curl up and wish it all away.

I can cry and bawl all I want, but it's not going to help a thing.

I'm not doing enough. That's it, isn't it?
I'm not doing enough.

All I want to do right now is find a corner that won't run away from me.

I'm almost here, now

The picture isn't dated. It's not in black and white, but still, I'm guessing the cameras back then didn't date the pictures it took.
My mother and father sit back to back on a low brick wall, smiling at the camera.

It's 1998, and we're at Fort Canning Country Club.
My mom and dad, my little sister and I, we're all sitting on the same side of the table for the posing of the picture.
We're at table twenty-eight, and the only bottle of sauce is a bottle of Ketchup.
The white, glossy marble table, with it's yellow checkered placemats, has plates with tiny bits of leftover food still on it. The water glasses are almost full.
It's the end of February, which means that it was one of those dinners celebrating both my sister's and my own birthday together, because daddy can't be around for both.
Janice is in a pink sleeveless dress with huge white polka dots on it, sitting on daddy's lap.
I'm leaned close against mommy, with my new t-shirt, a birthday present, held up against my body like I can fool the camera into thinking I'm wearing it.
Our smiles reach our eyes, I don't know if they reach my parents'.

It's Christmas Eve 1998. Daddy's in the middle of the beige two-seat leather sofa with Janice and I leaning against him in our little white dresses. I'm wearing a thin hairband which I remember is a very light, pale green. But it looks like it's white in the photograph. It looks like I match.
There's a picture of my mother in her wedding dress, sitting in a glossy pearly pink frame.
It's on the side table behind us, and my mother is behind the camera.

It's early 1999. February 7th 1999. I'm sitting on daddy's lap in a black and white striped dress with a small tweety bird iron-on patch in the corner. There's a bag of Mrs Field's cookies in my hand.
We're at City hall, right outside Starbucks, and I'm leaned back against my daddy's shoulder, caught in a half laugh-half smile, my eyes in squints.

It's October 1999, and my mother's crying on her birthday.
It's her first birthday after the separation. We surprised her with a chocolate cake and got her to come back home for it.
The camera catches her red eyes and red nose, smiling hard.
I smile harder. I would do anything to bring her back home.

It's November 2004. Janice and I are standing in between Chip & Dale at Florida, Orlando's Disney World.
We've both grown our hair out. I wear mine in a braid and she has hers in a loose ponytail.
We're both so skinny you can see our collarbones.
It's the last picture in which there are four.

I don't know what I'm wishing for anymore.

The stack of photos are placed beside a huge box with my parents' wedding album in it.
It's a deep, gorgeous velvet book, containing the most beautiful pictures.
"I'm giving this to Daddy," I say, placing a collection of Noddy's Christmas Tales beside the huge box.
Mommy smiles at me, "Now it's his turn to read Gayle stories!"
There's a stack of newly printed photographs on my bed, not far off from the stack of old photos I've picked up and put down again.
Abigayle (Gayle for short) is in the first picture, a spitting image of Janice.
It's 2008, Gayle is less than a year old and reaching for the fork in daddy's hand.
The pictures are a couple of centimeters away from each other.

Who knew you could fit an entire world in that tiny space.

i want to go back to being healthily unhealthy

thinspo of the day!

God.
I came up with a fuckload of diet plans this year and never had the time or discipline to stick to them. Then I just get pissed off.
I'm seeing my family in like exactly ten days from now and I'm not any thinner than four years ago. Which sucks. Because we're Chinese and asians are always fucking skinny and I'm not.

I've always said it's being happy with yourself that counts, and if this gets caught on my blog then it won't be too long before I get screamed at because being an ambassador of Big Is Gorgeous also requires you to believe that Big IS Gorgeous.
It's not that I don't, to be honest. But it's difficult if for the whole month that you're with your extended family, you've got your Grandma making passing comments about you.

The things about asians, Chinese in particular, is that among other things that they don't know how to say (like excuse me, how's your day and I'm sorry this person is currently unavailable), they also don't know how to ask about the weather.
The weather is a most interesting topic indeed and can probably take up the first ten minutes of meeting someone in a long while. After that, you move on to topics about the weather in other countries.
"Gosh! Isn't global warming an absolute bitch?" You could say, "In fact, Grizzly bears are starting to migrate north and mate with Polar Bears! Just the other day, a friend told me about how he read about someone shooting something that looked like a Polar bear from afar but actually wasn't!" "No way!" The person would reply, dumbfounded. "Yes way! It was a crossbreed!"
(ps: This story is true)

My point is, I find it baffling how Chinese people have replaced "HELLO! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS?!" with
"WAH, YOU PUT ON A LOT OF WEIGHT AH, NOW SO FAT."
For a race that is supposedly shy and demure and quiet and all for frowning at fellow Chinks who scream with laughter, they DO NOT mince words. Nor are they ashamed about it in the least!

So what if she's ana, bulimic, half dead with lack of nutrition? As long as she's out of that now and is skinny as a fucking fiddle, that's alright. And if she's not, lets blame the mom. It must be the mother's fault for doing such a bad job.
It was quite fantastic, really. Four years ago, my mother (she would never do this, but she did) finally shot back at my grandmother telling her I was bulimic when my granny went on one of those nag sessions about needing to be skinny. I love my grandmother to absolute bits and she dotes on us like crazy, BUT she blamed my mom for it.
I know of a family member who made herself a bracelet with "fatty" beaded into it until she lost weight. That worked.
Another one, from France, I was told used to be very fat and that "I was just like her."
Well the last time she went over to LA she was anorexic and weighed 90 pounds. But then, "Oh you could see her collar bones! SO NICE!" (My granny said something equivolent to this) I discreetly reached up to feel my own collarbones and said, "oh"
Going from a 130 lbs in primary six (when I looked like a ball of dork) to 110 lbs a while later, felt like an achievement. (actually, it still does now.) But even while I was over in LA, I was still trying to drop two pounds here and there. I did by the way, my, wasn't I pleased.

I used to be rather sensitive about this issue. We were in Florida at this fantastic Texan Ribs Restaurant, where of course, the ribs were fantastic. My grandfather, darling as he is, leaned over when I was close to finishing my feast and said to me in cantonese, "if you want to lose weight, don't eat all that, eat the veggies!" I looked up at him and nodded blankly, before going to the toilet and promptly throwing up all thirty dollars worth of ribs and crying for feeling weak.

It wasn't just for the weight, to be honest. It was sort of about control too. It takes control and discipline to not eat for three and a half days (that's the longest I went). And there must be some kind of ability award going to me for throwing up what I DIDN'T eat. Or like, the skin of the apple or something. I threw up when I was angry or sad and then after that went jogging. Or when I felt overwhelmed by whatever there was, like not being good enough, not singing well enough, not being perfect enough to be a prefect or a monitress, I would just throw up more, eat less and exercise more.
My hunger pangs gave me this unbelievable euphoria and it made me feel like i could do stuff.
Fuck that, I felt like fucking superwoman.
It made me feel really good about myself.
Especially when someone went on to me about my weight and how I was "such a pretty beautiful girl like my mother" and I would be "so much more beautiful if I wasn't so fat."

I gave them a smile, the smile that kids give to people who tell them they're stupid and worthless. The smile that says, "You'll see, I'll be your fucking president."
Yea well, my smile said, "You'll see, I'll be skinny and it'll be for ME not for you and your smelly breath which reeks of food. Because I'm the one with control! muahahahhaha."

One thing I love about the whole thing though, was that I did it for myself and not for anyone else. I would've hated myself had I gone on this rampage for someone else.
I think this brings me back to being happy with yourself.
Because you'll never be "just the right size" for anyone.
You're either too fat or too skinny and the solution for that is always to chuck you into some kind of camp to brainwash you.

So yes, I'm really happy with myself.
In fact, I'm happy with myself BECAUSE I'm happy with myself.
I'm not a foodie, but I don't mind eating. And if I feel like it, I'll be totally honest, I'll throw up.
Whatever makes me feel comfortable, I think.

That's what I call healthily unhealthy.
Though Christ, I've got to be mad.

And I realized, this is the first time I've talked about this so candidly and in such (possibly unwanted) detail.
That must mean we're getting somewhere(:

I realize, if I weren't me, I'd totally hate me.
I'm so spoilt and I am such a happy, happy girl! :D:D

Today, like the rest of most days in life (okay, I won't be saying this when I have one of those another-day-in-life-days), was just absolutely lovely.
I sat in the hairdressers' from 11am to 4.30pm getting my gooooooooorgeous pink and purple streaks. These, by the way, because of the brand, are said to last up to six months. (actually she said eight, but I'm just going to give it lee way)
Besides, for colours such as these, most are glad if they last a month.
Which, by the way, they normally don't. The first time I ever died my hair, it was blue and it faded within a week and a half and kept fading until it was a gross algae colour and looking limp and dead-frog-like for most of the time. eek.
So, usually, if you want colours such as these, you bleach your hair til it's half dead and pick out colours that fade to nicer colours. Bearing in mind, of course, that you'll only get your super nice red/pink/blue/whatever random electric colour for a grant total of max two weeks.

For example, chat among the fellow "lets put super random colours on our head" people have pointed out that pink often fades to an orangey colour which is quite bearable and sometimes even nice. Gee, anything is nice compared to algae.
Bunny did pink too and when it faded, it seemed very light and not too bad.
Red ends up sort of orangey too. Purple fades til your lock of hair looks like a vaguely purple-tinted lock of blonde.

ANYWAY.
From what Jessie (superb hairdresser who I've been going to for three years) said, I'll probably be more likely to dye over the colour or chop it off rather than watch it fade, considering how long it's said to last.
But we've all agreed, three four months is more than enough time to enjoy such gorgeous colours. Then your roots start showing and you starting wanting to shave your head.

So, what a marvellous start to the day, no?
Then mommy and I bought matching phones. Very very pretty.
It's a strange feeling, and this is a first time. I used to use my phones until they were half dead, buttons half gone and absolutely could not, COULD NOT use them anymore.
Now I'm looking at my old baby, the first I bought for myself, and feel like I can't give her up.
I really loved her camera by the way. hmmm. (I should point out now that my baby is a she. Both my phone and my laptop.)

So yes I'm a very happy girl but with all this, also comes this renewed sense of fear of becoming terribly materialistic. Which I never quite thought I was.

Aye, it's too late for rants.
I'm going to name my new baby.

byebye

Little boy watching a man: What the fuck?
Mother, reading a newspaper: You better watch your mouth today, little boy!
Little boy: But mommy, he keeps banging his head on the pole!
Mother, watching the man: What the fuck?

where else would we learn it from? hehe

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Subway hobo: Hello, I am not here to beg. I am homeless, I have not eaten in a week. I have not been able to find a job.
Man on the train: Hey man, if you are looking for a job I can help you out.
Subway hobo: What do you mean? This is my job!

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Mother to six-year-old son: Of course I love you! You are my son, I love every bit of you!
Son: Even my balls?

awww, who knew boys could be so cute before becoming penis-breathed men!

-----------------

Conductor: Crime does not pay. I repeat, crime does not pay. There will be no crime on this train. Littering is a crime. Throwing up on the train is a crime. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, there is one place you can throw up on the train...on yourself. Or if you have a girlfriend, you can have her join in on the situation and you can throw up on her. I'm sure that punishment would be far worse. (at the next stop) I'd like to thank the gentleman in the second car. That was the most amazing display of projectile vomit outside the car doors that I have ever seen! A new record!

I think listening to stuff like this on the train is one helluva reason to live in USA!

----------------

Now to end this off,
I went out with Justkins yesterday (don't know why I still call him that) and we were on a travelator and well, what better time to talk, right?

Me: What would you like for Christmas love?
Justin: Something to DO!
Me: So, a blowup doll will be fine, yeah?

goodnight you funny people!

hello, this is my life

Sent baby V off to the airport today.
aww, it's her very first time alone! :D:D

Anyway, as it always happens, we still or rather, SHE still had to run the last five minutes because the screen kept screaming GATE CLOSING.

After that, it was a very nice, relaxing lazy day(:

I realized the other day, that Victor's one of my favourite people to hang out with because I don't always have to talk. Like, I can just sit there and be stoned out of my bloody mind and just stare at trees.
Lovely!

Guess what else I love to do?

Dye hair!
His and Little Creature's, of course. It's short, so after slapping the stuff on, I absolutely loooove styling their hair:D:D
SEE OMG,
THIS IS HOW VICTOR WOULD LOOK WITH HIS HAIR STYLED OKAY.

The emo pose, they called it.
I made TLC into a baby shark(:
awwww!
Why so cute Little Creature!
You toooo!

I'm back from a night away, dumdumdum!
I'm going to go outside and sit with the family and grunt at them now:D


xoxo

All Vicky's fault.

(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
( ) done weed
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank something alcohol

(x) been in love <3
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight

(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) gone out on a blind date

(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die

( ) had/have a crush on one of your FRIENDSTER friends
(x) been to Paris
(x) been to States
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking

(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
( ) been mosh pitting

( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
(x) love/like someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up

(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

(x) used a fake/someone else's ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
( ) killed a snake

(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer

(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
( ) been in a car/motorcycle accident

( ) had/have braces
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

( )squashed barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the world
( ) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like you were dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
( ) recently coloured with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldnt
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) kissed in the rain

(x) written a letter to Santa Clause
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x)watched the sun rise with someone you care/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
( )made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party
( ) traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone roller skating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey

( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis" at a sport game
( ) swam with dolphins

( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/ice cube - HAHA.
(x) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex clothes
(x) sat on a roof top

(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) can do a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 3 hours
(x) stayed up all night

(x) picked and ate a fruit right off the tree
(x)climbed a tree
( ) had/been in a tree house
( ) arent scared to watch scary movies alone

(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have/had more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) gone streaking
( ) been in jail

See Vicky, this is what happens when you leave the fucking country):

and when I'm with you,
so close to feeling alive

"It's sorta secondary school-ish, I find."

How long before people stop jumping from relationship to relationship to relationship?
It's always been bewildering, you know, and I've gotten more irritated with girls rather than guys (fewer seem to have this habit) because I feel like screaming,
"Stop thinking you have to BE with someone to be happy."

It's a pet peeve, I realize.
Like cheating husbands, unleashed little children, unmatching clothes, too-small shoes.
This, needing to constantly be with someone.

I'm quite sure within the last month I was starting to get agitated at someone for talking about some sort of inane rubbish like that. And I'm quite sure we were in a cab and I said to her face, that she should stop believing that she needs someone to complete her and make her whole.
I think if you don't sort out that terrible problem early on, you end up wasting a lot of energy on pointless relationships that don't hold an iota of meaning.

Most of us are in love with love instead of.

I'm too tired to start on my crazy rant now.
eurgh.
byebye

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Mommy Mommy!
Can I have this for Christmas? ((:

So every year we hit that bit, a couple of weeks right before Christmas.
We scurry around like hamsters with foodies in our mouths looking for places to unload our hoard of nuts. In our case, it's all the one dollar coins we've been saving up in our piggy bank which isn't really a piggy bank but a brown dog named brownie, (named after the skin colour of one of your best friends, who gave it to you a couple of Christmases ago), and the places to unload our hoard of nuts are a row of cashiers and check outs and tip-boxes of smiley salesgirls in santarina outfits.
We go shopping.

There's a list, stuffed somewhere between a receipt and a glow-in-the-dark condom which we unfold and refold and unfold and refold until the Christmas shopping is done, and the list is checked off.

But then, that's the easy bit.
Because while you're on that two-week shopping spree, you've to think up of a list of things your friends can get you for Christmas.

Swear to God, I'm not doing the whole "oh I don't want anything for Christmas" because that is soooo not true. I absolutely loooove presents and getting surprises and tearing open packages and smiling at the note it comes with and thinking about the thought that went into it.
HOWEVER, I don't actually want-want anything.

It's a toughie to explain but well, I don't want things because I either get them after much thought and consideration OR I talk myself out of it. There's a stream of stuff that I'll never get enough of, of course, but I don't go pining about something for ages and ages and ages (like half a million years about how goooorgeous those red hot heels are. I just get them, dammit! and pay mommy back later, in an eternity or so)
Last year was fantastic because my list (which I should go look about for, right about now) had me thinking long and hard. But even better, was that my close friends got me really sweet stuff.
Like Paddy got me my gorgeous pink fluffy bedroom slippers which I ONLY wear when my feeties are clean. (((:
And those are usually matched with my insanely cute RED La Senza jammies from The Little Creature. SO SO IN LOVE OKAY.
And it wasn't on my list, Vicky got me this gorgeous tealight holder which casts sexy red glows in my room. It looked most beautiful complete with princess net and all. In fact I've packed it and can't wait to put it up!((:
Or like for my birthday this year, my two favourite boys bought me this gorgeous Aldo wallet in RED and I've been in love with it for the longest time.
And four Christmases ago, my mommy bought me this leather bound bible from LA with my name embossed on it. The reason you don't see it is because I'm a bit crazy and keep it in absolute pristine condition and only use it at home when I actually use the bible.

I have a list of absolutely fantastic presents from birthdays and Christmases and they keep going on and on. (Please don't feel sad if I didn't mention your present!)
But the best thing about most of them, is that they weren't things I asked for.
Which I personally find fantastic because some of the things I put on my Wishlist are churned out in the moments of "oh yea, I'd like this and haven't managed to get it". Like, an entire list of books, for example.
There are also things that I'd like but which I'd rather my friends and family NOT buy because 1)It'd be a major indulgence, 2)It won't fit into the under-$20 spending cap, 3)I would be so astounded that I would start wailing like a walrus if someone over-spent like that on me, AND 4)IT WOULD NOT FIT INTO THE UNDER-$200 SPENDING CAP.

Right now I can't actually think of something I want that's super extravagant but I think at the time of my birthday and was quite set on a Nano. I've talked myself out of it though. It'd be nice, but it isn't something I really need.

So that's me, when I'm thinking about wishlists (others' as well as my own).
Okay now you'll probably be like, fucking hell, so is she going to bloody tell me what she bloody fucking wants, or not?!
Either that or you've given up reading altogether.

Well here goes.

This is what NOT to get me for Christmas

random table ornaments/ decorations that don't serve a purpose (love and appreciate them but absolutely no space)
animals (rented apartment)
your first kiss (cos i'll feel bad)
clothes, unless it's undies (cos i'm fat and might not fit)
a blind date
super duper incredibly expensive stuff (I will unleash my walrus wail on you, I fucking swear)

This is a list of stuff that one can never get enough of
-Shoes (I'm a size 39/40 = 8half/9half)
Flats, Gorgeous-to-die-for-heels, custom made ten-inch heels. TEEHEE
-KNICKERS!
If they're cute, I'll love them(:
Speaking of which, I hope I'll get to find the cutest pair of knickers in LA. The ones which have MRS. GEORGE CLOONY printed on the back.
I will go out in those pink knickers, a see-through long blouse and six inch heels and make you want to run me over with a skate scooter!

PS: I'll prefer cute knickers to shoes cos I can lose weight to fit into them but I can't chop off my tootsies to fit shoes.

The list of stuff that I'd love but can't find and will scream with joy if you can find it
- One of Anna Sui's first perfumes. It's purple and black, squarish/rectangular shape and comes in a purple box. I think it's been discontinued.
-Handcuffs

The list of stuff that I would really like for Christmas
Something that you thought up of and picked out yourself. Okay, I get that if we're not that close, I shouldn't expect that.(:
Otherwise, something you think that I'll like, something that you looked at and thought "hmm, C would like this". Something that doesn't leave you scrounging for food in dustbins (please ah, I really mean it), something that will make you smile to think of me receiving it(:
I'm sorry if it sounds too fairytale-ish. I'm not fantastic with Christmas presents either I'm afraid, but picking something off their wishlist is usually a last resort.

The list of stuff that I really really want for Christmas
For all you darlings back in Singapore to have a fantastic Christmas and New Years.
I'm also really hoping that there won't be anyone who ends up drinking too much and staring out the window.
To have a lot of fun on my trip, especially on Christmas and New Years.
A baby (will adoption processes take too long? cos I might just adopt a kid over there! kay, maybe not)
Time to myself to sit and stare blankly into the cold weather and think about you guys back here.
I want Christmas to last more than one day. Just a week would be nice.

I should also probably point out (and on my blog, no less, so you get embarrassed!) that I don't want Victor to set up my entire room while I'm away. One of the reasons is because I really do love doing it (:
Cute little elves who don't necessarily wear green should also be banned from revamping my new apartment/ helping to tidy up (cos that would make me really embarrassed). tee hee!

This is starting to edge me towards a rant leaning more towards New Years resolutions so I'd best leave you to shaking your fist angrily at the screen/my blog page.

all my love!
xoxo

Just a bit and just enough

It's strange.

You meet in the sandbox, turn around at the same time to call out to your parents chatting on a nearby bench.
And the rest of your lives, or what feels like it, you find out about each other through facebook pictures and ex-girlfriends' blog posts.

From enough of a distance, you manage a peek at each other's lives.
You hold your breath as they go through rough patches, and manage a smile when things okay themselves.

We tend to think the other has come far enough away from the tougher bits of life. And it's always a shocker to find that the opposite is true.

But then, there are probably many others thinking the same thing about you too.

We grow up.
We scramble out of that sandbox, get to our feet and run after whatever it is that might just leave us behind.
We do turn round, just one last time, to give a wild wave. But we don't think we'd get too far away to not want to come back. We don't think that we'll not come back.

Instead, we find ourselves staring back at old pictures and all the gaps in between where we weren't.

tea gone cold

I miss you.

Not just because of all the stuff we were supposed to do together and the plans we wanted to see through,
but because of your company.

It wasn't supposed to just fizz out like that. But things like that just happen, I suppose.

I miss you because of all that time we spent, just hanging out, writing, laughing,
singing.
I miss you because you're a terribly dear friend to me,
and sometimes it feels like you've disappeared.

I haven't talked about this a lot, to be honest.
And I figure that, I mean, whatever happens, happens.

For ages you've been so incredibly busy, and it was (for a while) worrying.
I guess maybe we've all been busy too.
It's just like that, you know? And we don't do anything about it.

But for the record, you weren't one of those close-for-this-moment-in-my-life sort of friend.
It's a shame that I haven't seen you in months, and don't know when I will get to.

And for what it's worth,
I really do miss you.
Terribly so, in fact.

because that's what I so live for

I watched Quarantine with The Little Creature today.

I am tummy-achey, feverish, sniffley and in serious need of dope and a cuddle.
I'm going to go read pointers on being a fab single mom now.
byebye

Today I am annoyed, but mostly at myself.
I'm fidgety and itchy.
And there are so many things that I don't understand and which I'm getting tired just thinking about.

I don't get why life has to include these kind of days.