Note: A couple of the following might not be suitable for the um,
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.
Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
"31 years old" , she replied.
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"