Tuesday, February 12, 2019


I used to dream about this.
All the time. 
Comfy couch, chilly arvo, her falling asleep in my lap; Time at a complete standstill.

It wasn't even something I needed to imagine - we had wintery lazy afternoons in Perth and I knew, that was everything I ever needed, right there.

I'm proud of myself for getting us both here, for doing exactly what I wanted or needed to do instead of spending a lifetime waiting for someone else to help get us there.
An entire childhood of feeling like you're left hanging does do that to you - fill you with this constant inexplicable desire to actually DO things and GET SHIT DONE.

If I want to go back to school - I'll make it fit with what I need so I can juggle work and studies. I'll pay for it, no one else owes it to me. 
If I want to be a mom - making sure I'm financially stable and able to give it the life it deserves. 
If I want to perform at a bar, or do a painting or have a showcase of one-person plays over the span of an hour - 
If I want something, I'll get it. 

And I guess it seemed more like an accidental by-product of circumstance that I never stopped to give myself credit. But here, now, six months in our new home, together and filled with a happiness I thought I had long forgotten - she crawls into my lap, dozing off as we watch telly and I run my fingers through her hair. 
She is so much more settled here. So much more sure of herself. 
And I... 
I keep taking it all in. 

For once, not second-guessing this happiness. Not wondering if I'm fooling myself into thinking that I won't eventually lose it. 

My favourite season is round the corner. 
And, just like leaves start falling in love with the ground, 
I find myself falling in love with life, 
All over again. 

Monday, October 22, 2018

You've got me slightly disappointed..
Just a bit. 
And just enough... 
To keep me up another night 

I think I know now,
You're not home 

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Santa Monica Dreamin'

I haven't talked about it, how excited I am in this flurry of new things and plans but also overwhelming loneliness.

Because isn't it insane, how many conversations you can keep having and how many opportunities you keep creating to talk, but you realise you're not really saying anything anymore.
It's funny, how you keep running around doing all these other things for everyone else but you feel like there's nothing left for you.

But it's also sad, how you feel like it's something you've talked about, and tried to talk about except there's stopped being a point.


So in a roomful of people, you post an old picture of being out at sea and wonder if maybe you'll fall into bad habits again of leaving messages for strangers
wondering if those bottles will ever find their way to shore.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Notes From A Teenager, A Decade On

It's been years since I've gone on one of those highly opinionated endless rants, raving at the injustice of the world. Or the education system.

But today, on Facebook no less, there was a prompt to share a memorable one-liner from our teachers.
Someone answered it, and in the comments were an endless stream of similar stories. 

Belittling, horrible mean things that were PERSONAL ATTACKS to these individuals when they were kids. 
Including someone who was referred to as an "Ang Moh Pai" (White person wannabe) who would never excel at the Chinese language.
(ps, said person now regularly works with suppliers and manufacturers across the China border) 
All of which are basically things I've had firsthand experience of, growing up in the education system in Singapore.

My shared post became a rant that I thought deserved to be published alongside all my other rants and rails against the world. 

This, but also the stories in the comments is what gets me. Being raised in the eduction system here - we all have those stories.
From being yelled at across the rooftop gym
"Your parents must be so disappointed in you" /
"Girls you don't want to go to EM3 that's where are the kids from broken families go." /
"(snide scoff) and who, might I ask, has faith in - you -?"
Even, get this:
"But you must know, I am right because I am your teacher and I am older than you." 

If you ask me why I deliberately went back and spent 9 years teaching in the Singapore system, it's because in a world of
 " No" and
 "You'll never be good enough" and
 "Class, just leave him alone - he's autistic, he is always going to crawl around the classroom like an animal. Just ignore him."
I wanted every kid I ever taught to know that they're worth it, and that there's something they can be good at.

During introductions, at the start of every single one of my programs, when kids mumble their names and say they don't have a hobby and that they "have nothing to say",
The first few things I tell every single one of them is:
1) they deserve to be heard; I want to hear what they have to say 
2) there's no right or wrong answer in my class.

If they wanna make Roméo & Juliette a tale about intercultural romance, or a gay love story where their parents come together to persecute them - go ahead.

And every single piece I've ever seen in all my classes over 9 years, has been successful and amazing and something they can be proud of. 


My youngest sister at 8 years old, came home from school one day to tell me about à classmate who
"Isn't very blessed".
"What?!" I asked, "I'm sure she's 'blessed' in ways that are different from what you can see."

"hmm. No" she told me definitively.
"My teacher told my class that's she's just not very blessed. She comes to school and her uniform isn't ironed and her shoes are kinda dirty."

"Well maybe she's blessed with talents like art or math or..."
"No, she's not good at maths or Chinese. I mean Chinese she's okay. But my teacher (WTF RIGHT?!?!) says she's just not very blessed. She only lives with her father at home, she doesn't have a mother."

To which i had to say,
"Well, when I was your age in primary school, (our) daddy didn't live with jiejie either. I only had my mummy. Do you think I'm not blessed?"

Because seriously,
If this is what I'll get, putting my kids into local schools, and local methodist schools at that,
Then honestly,
Fuck you.

Fuck you because I'd rather my kids get arrested starting protests for something they believe in, than graduate with top grades and zero humanity.


When we were in school, my best friends and I were the subject of lots of blog trolling by the disciplinary committee. 
One, because lots of us were gay and if we were doomed to eternal damnation the school thought we deserved to have a taste of that damnation in our youth, whether we did well in school or not. 

But also, presumably, because we wrote and had mouths on us and teenage life is the best time to teach kids the meaning of defamation and the charges they can bring.

So imagine that, whether online or offline, everything we wrote or said or even hinted at came under scrutiny. Our opinions could, and would get us into trouble.
And guys, I'm not even being dramatic here okay, because we've been hauled into discipline offices, had our parents called in, been made to take down posts - you name it. 

So, now here we are. 
Close to two decades after that period of time with pseudonyms and delicately phrasing what we wanted to say, or not saying it at all. 

And this time, 
I hope my old teachers find it. I hope it makes for a lovely weekend read for them.
Because this isn't me, being a sullen vindictive teenager trying to flame the system. This is me, the same individual, still heavily scarred by all the things that system was. 

This is me saying, openly, 
That every day that I woke up and went to school (on the days I fought it off lone enough to get to school) I wished desperately that a car would hit me. I crossed the road slower, I stepped off the curb too early all the time, and I cut myself up in the toilet in between classes since I was 13.
I wished so fervently that I would be either dead or stuck in a hospital, because that would be better than bring caught in their endless cycle of bullshit. 

And now... 
Now I have kids, until I stopped teaching, I had kids, who sit with me, trying to find the words for the intense migraine and the suicidal thoughts that play on loop in their heads -
And they ask me why. 

Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it?
Perhaps that is one question they will be able to teach us all in class. 

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

New Beginnings, New Learning Curves

But always the same shadows that hold you back and weigh you down

At some point, after nine years of teaching and creating drama-based learning programs, after 20 years of theatre being all the things I knew myself to be,
after always finding my way back home to the stage - the most honest and real space there is- 
I decided to leave.

Well, no, not leave entirely. I think about it more like a time-out.
What I did want to do was leave the teaching behind.

There are so many beautiful moments I have collected along the way, and hours of stories that I have with the most talented teenagers I know; But you can't just stay in a happy bubble all the time.

Politics aside (which was a huge push factor), I also believe that you can't stay stagnant for very long. If you're not moving forwards, you're moving backwards. I still love a lot of all the things I used to do; But I also knew that I wasn't opening myself up to different challenges that would grow me in different ways.

So I left.

And it has been a year now.
2017's SYF was my wrap up project, and here I am. Almost miles away from that life and all the things it meant.

And boy, I don't know if I knew what I was signing up for.
I mean, of course I knew. But I don't know if I really knew, d'you know what I mean?

There are all these very new and nice moments that I like, but also a lot of truth in the world of headhunting that I am coming to terms with.
Like how a desk is never really warm. It's a brilliant company, where all the desks are supposed to be warm and where you're supposed to be able to get a decent start.

I don't know if anyone knows how much that applies to the Digital Space.
If you're a digital native, reading this, you very likely get it.

If there's been a trending topic on Twitter all day, and then you check in at 6.10pm and try and hop on to that, it's already pretty cold news.
Things move incredibly quickly. But also growing up in that age has birthed startups and young companies who also function like that.
Like what?
Like fluid and agile, all the time. Openly admitting that there's no point planning for anything beyond three months because those plans could and probably will change. Learning (sometimes the hard way), how to develop slightly more structured lines of communication.

How every non-micro-manager is actually a little bit of a micro-manager in their own way. Whether that works or doesn't work again depends on the environment and the team dynamic and the culture and the...

Throw in a headhunter into the mix; you're going to need someone who is patient and who wants to grow with you and the company. Who's not in it for a quick buck; because if they were they would be sorely disappointed. 

I want to be that person.
And I have managed to be, for some people I'm working together with.
Things like these can move incredibly fast, but it could also... not.
Poor visibility, lack of funding...

It's going to make a lot more sense to target the massive conglomerates. The ones who you already know leverage off the help and expertise of recruitment agencies. But getting your foot in there, educating those who are behind on the digital landscape, knowing the fine line of difference there sometimes is but then having to explain that to people who don't.
Or who's online marketing plan is to set up a LinkedIn account and share posts.

I'm not tired yet. Not yet.
I'm a little bit emotional drained, only because of the realistic, number-driven, KPI-expectation side of this job.

But I believe in sowing seeds, and talking to them everyday as they take root beneath the soil and grow in place we cannot even see yet.
Surely, there will be a time and a season for harvest.

It is not right now.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017


Isn't it funny- The many pieces of ourselves we leave behind with others. And lifetimes later, we see each other through pièces of glass; these distorted versions we barely recognise,

Holding distorted pieces of us. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Blink and you'll miss it

There are days I am afraid to go to sleep because I am so sad

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Look at the stars

And how they shine for you

But the ways words fall to pieces In our hands, and tears swim in front of our eyes and suddenly

We're bursting at the seams. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

I talked about the time I had you, and I laugh but then
There are parts of me that still break a little bit inside.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

[My sister. My best friend. And everything else. ]

"She's not coming" you say, throwing your phone across the sofa

"Neither is she" I respond, impassively. 





Tuesday, January 12, 2016

My grandmother's stories (part I)

"I'm sorry, I missed a step."
"That's okay, I think it was me- I wasn't thinking straight"
"We're old, it happens. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's okay. We can take it slow. We're old, we've got time."

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Dear Singapore

It's one of those days again:

I'm on my way out the country to a destination frequented by Singaporean folk. We're still in the country and we were just having a discussion on multi-culturalism versus interculturalism. What also came up was the attacking and general resentment of foreign immigrants- whether blue collared or white collared. The family and I were just relating our own tales of being subject to behaviour of this sort. (Of course not leaving out moments when a Singaporean HAS come to our defensive and such)

The table next door seems to have overheard us and has proceeded to switch to mandarin and begin speaking horribly of us- presumably because they figure we can't understand.
"她们la-那个angmoh 的"
They have also proceeded to (in a failed attempt) discreetly take pictures of us.

I guess I'm really sad. Just really, really sad.
Despite never having felt at home in this country, there is still so much I have grown to appreciate and love immensely. And there are so many people who I've met here, spent most of my life with, people who have Contributed to making me more of a person than I could've ever hoped to become.
There are so many good people here, so many genuine and friendly and loving Singaporeans I could never imagine doing life without.

But then things like this happen and I realize:
It doesn't matter how much I love what I have here or how sincerely grateful and blessed I feel to have gotten to live and and spent time in Singapore. Sure she's got her shortcomings- but name me a place that doesn't?
Yet despite that, it doesn't seem enough.
Never mind that I contribute to the society (I'd like to think), and the economy. Never mind that I teach in local schools and Strive towards igniting a love for the English language and literature and the arts. Never mind that I am burdened with continuous want to remind teenagers here that they are enough, that they are talented in their own ways and that I want to be a source of encouragement where they often feel like they only ever do things wrong. Never mind that some part of me (I have come to realize) truly does care about this society and the people who've been ostracized...
Moments like these, or incidences where even now, in the year 2015 I still have been told to my face,
"Stupid foreigner go back to your own country"-
It just makes me realize
I'm not welcome here, am i?
We aren't welcome.

And so,
When my kids ask me
"Ms C but why? Why Singapore..? Why would you want to live here?"
And I smile and say,
"Now isn't that the million dollar question, hey?"
I'm not saying it with resentment or any amount of snark. I'm saying it with a very special level of sadness and heartache that was formed and only belongs here.

Having said all this though, I refuse for my posts to sound so bloody tragic. So I'd like instead to take time here to say thank you to all the amazing Singaporeans I have come to know and love here. So many of you are my go-to people and I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for you. And even when I go off on rants like these, please know that whenever I am asked why I'm still living here,
I think of you.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Once upon an August 26th-

You would've been just a little over six now,
And life would've been unfathomable without you.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Bonne chance

Choosing to leave plasters on for as long as I need to so that I may heal.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Ça va très bien, merci

i haven't felt this settled for a while.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Left the lights on

It was a long way back,
but there's nowhere else I'd rather be than

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Hey stranger

Because you remind of the person I was, and everything I'm supposed to be. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Breaking point

Ledge. Air. Wind.
I am so afraid of heights and yet, when I think of ways out I think of

Parapets, corners, bridges, too many levels up and the way I cannot hear my tears fall against the concrete floor.
If my body falls, will it make a sound?
And if it doesn't, does it mean it's actually fallen at all?

Did you know,
You can fall in love in so many ways.
And did you know? Even after, you can keep falling in love...
Over and over and over again.
But did you also know that you can keep Falling and you tell yourself it doesn't hurt but Jesus Christ it does and you wish you wouldn't hurt, wish you could outrun this bullshit
But then you're numb numb numb
And sitting on the couch with your coffee wishing for the first time that you had your tears and your sadness-
Do you know why?
Because it's all that's left of her.
And that matters.
It's almost like, all that sadness caused by that absence..
That absence of her...
That's all you have left.

That's all you've got left darling.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Pink Dot 2015

Today, I was part of the 28,000 people gathered at this amazing event. I've received looks of alarm when I admit I haven't been before. Perhaps because I've never been the sort to shove my flag in people's faces, and I kinda wondered if this would be doing that. But then today I realized it's really just a big happy party of families and children and grass and dogs and balloons and picnics and wine and love. Just an outpouring of so much love- it's so heartening to see heterosexual couples come, to see families and their children be there. Because their being there screams "you deserve all this love as much as we do". 

Also having chilled out picnics, good conversation, listening to good writers and speakers- that's really what we do. There isn't any gay agenda. If there was, that would probably be it: chill out, have awesome picnics and good conversations with people you love. And just, be. 

Friday, June 12, 2015


And then,
I can feel all these things
Such that if
You ask me if I feel sorry,
The answer is
No. I don't.

Because finally,
I can feel again.

Thursday, June 11, 2015


So really, in relation to the big big bigggggggger picture of all of it-
What? What is this really?

I know you don't know. It's not fair. But okay, I've done my part in shielding you from things and today...
Today, this hurts. 
So much I can feel it. 

And baby,
That's really saying something. 


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Wish you were here.
Wish it was you.
Wish I made more sense


Friday, June 5, 2015

Grams and milligrams

Fact of the day: they don't tell you it won't fix the pain.

Pick it up, pick it all up. And start again.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to be,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

When I met you. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

That's a fine looking high horse

It's not so much about the cards you have as much as it is how you play them

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Beginnings of endings and endings of

How do you even begin to say goodbye,
When it feels like you haven't even finished your hellos yet?

This heaviness.
In the pit of my stomach. Weighing me down

Weighing me down.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I believe

You hold my world
In the palm of Your hand

Monday, May 25, 2015

Tell me

Where I went wrong
and how do I fix it?

Off days

Wish you were here
Wish we were honest
Wish we were okay
Wish there was more to us
Than this

Step 01

I am learning to get better,
To find balances, to breathe easier,
To drink my morning coffee without crying for half an hour
To sit on the empty couch without doing a double take realizing you're not there.

I am trying to get to know myself again;
Trying to listen to my body and what it needs and wants
Learning to respect it
Giving myself time to understand it better.

I am trying to learn to not be so sad.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

"I'm gone"

But ma chérie,
What if I'm not?

Friday, May 15, 2015


Old songs on repeat,
Staring glassy-eyed, over the rim of my sixth glass, no, seventh,
And losing track of the beginning of my thoughts when I get to the end. 

There is hope, however little,
Of finding my footing
And happier days
And glimpses of light at the end if the tunnel

Lots of writing, dreaming
But mostly getting from one day to the next without accidentally tripping into oncoming traffic. 
Bouncing around between bad days and not-so-bad,
Somewhere between tragically sad and numb,
Looking for the next foothold to grab on to. 

But of course, in the meantime,
Before those glimpses of light come,
We find ourselves staring at the bottom of our sixth, no, seventh glass


Now playing: happy music 

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Spinning in a teacup

And we're just going in circles aren't we?
Around and around and around and around
Sometimes it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere
We're just going around and around and around
Until you've spun away, I've lost your teacup
I'm in my own, alone,
Just going in circles.

Around and around and around and around

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Here's a joke:

So one day you come to the conclusion that you've officially reached the maximum amount of hurt you can feel.
And that kinda sucks but it's also like,
No really, it can't get anymore painful than this.

And then
Something else comes around and you're like.
Oh wait, hey,
It can actually get more painful.

you're the joke.
I've stood on rooftops looking down,
Not of what happens if I jump
But what will happen if I don't.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

I'm only gonna

Break break
Break break
Your heart
But don't let me forget
All the songs I will write

Words from an ex lover

"I will not ask you to stay

If you must go, go
I don't need you
I will breathe (carefully) without you
I will smile (slowly) without you
I will go on (eventually) without you

I'd be much happier
If you chose to not leave,
But if you must let go, let go
And I will too

And hopefully one day
I will teach my heart to not break
Whenever everyday thoughts
Lead to you

I'm afraid I'm much too weak,
I'm afraid we'll always be
A book with the end pages ripped out,
I'm afraid I'll always wonder,
Always ache,
Always place everyone second to you

I'm afraid I'll always love you 

But I will not ask you to stay."

Fucking wreck

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rearview

Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny
Just to be near you

Far, far away

This girl,
She doesn't know where she's at anymore.

"It would've been illegal not to come over and talk to you"

Monday, April 20, 2015

But there is promise in the way he holds me.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

I'm All Left Turns

So this is what I've been up to at work-
It's our final show tonight and tickets are still available. 

It has also been quite an experience teaching and working with the participants of  Miss C's Little Blackbox - with it all leading up to this!

In our devised piece

I'm All Left Turns (and I don't know which is right).

We explore how our parents got to being the people they are today, and summon the courage to tell them all the things we wish they knew.


Stefi Ooi

Gopi Arivalakan

Ambry Nurhayati

Seah Bei Ying

Emil Ong

Directed by Charis Vera

Written & Conceptualised by Charis Vera & Marvin Wong, together with the actors of Ms C's Little Blackbox.

Tickets available on:


We'd love to see you there(:

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Writing letters that I know won't reach you

My ghost

Where'd you go?

I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

My ghost

Where'd you go?

What happened to the soul, that you used, to be?

Friday, March 27, 2015

Sitting with your demons and choosing not to fight

"Are you alright?"

However much time you've spent running away,
You'll never outrun yourself.

And when it feels like most of your time is spent fighting off everything else,
really, the last person you want to fight is yourself.

And then,
There is calm.
Just like you used to know.

I'm alright.
I thought I used to know how to get myself there
It's relief that I never forgot.

"Yes, yes I am."

Friday, March 13, 2015


I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Adventure is out there, it's heading our way
So grab your scarf and goggles, let's fly!
I've mapped out our journey, we're up here to stay.
A sunset is our home
A moonbeam we will own

My Spirit of Adventure is you!

And then this pain comes, searing into flesh and cutting through bone like it's cloth.

Unsteady and shaking, it is all she can do to hang on to these words.
But all she knows is this unfathomable, ineffable pain that's burning the inside of her veins, eating away at all the things that keep her together.

Forces a smile she knows you cannot see, managing a
Because that, that's kinda what it is. It isn't anything until you make it something. And it isn't supposed to be anything to begin with anyway.

It's nothing,
It's nothing, it's nothing.

And if she says it enough,
maybe it'll dull all the razor sharp blades that feel like they're running patterns on the inside of her skin,
Maybe it'll stop the way she hates herself for feeling all the things she does,
Maybe it'll make her feel less like an idiot,
Like she is the biggest fool in a game she didn't ask to play.

It's nothing.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Sleeping with the lights on

On the days I miss you most,
I watch an endless stream of cooking shows, teary eyed and nursing too many glasses of gin and tonic.

And I wait.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Just because.

For you,
The answer will always be yes.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Waking to absence

And I hang on to whatever I have left,
Even as it falls to pieces in my hands.

Undercover, Under covers

Weave me into the threads of your stories, stitch me into your patchwork of adventures. Let me hold you together in the ways you unravel me.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

If you want me

Are you really here?
Or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long
Since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore 


While I powder my nose,
He will powder his gums,
And if I try to get close,
He is already gone,
Don't know where he's going,
I don't know where he's been.
But he is restless at night,
Cause he has horrible dreams.

So we lay in the dark,
Cause we've got nothing to say.
Just the beating of hearts,
Like two drums in the grey.
I don't know what we're doing,
I don't know what we've done.
But the fire is coming,
So I think we should run.

I think we should 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015


You will never say all the right things, at just the right time.
Or sit beside me and breathe and tell me, just by being here, that it will be okay.
You cannot reach for me and have me lean into your touch,
Feeling for the one right thing in a world going wrong.

And that's not your fault.
It's not your fault that you cannot fit in all the ways another has before,
Or that you don't make my breath catch at the thought of you.
It's not your fault
That someone can be all the things you need them to be, for you,
But you can't be that for them.

And I'm sorry,
That as much as you want to be,
You can't.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Dull throb

The rope slipped from my hands so quick I was left with burns
And when they blistered I started to cry
Because that meant in time, it would hurt less, and eventually go away.
And I cannot say I'd know who I am without the pain.

Most days,
This ache is all I have left of you
And I don't want to lose that too.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The unclaimed

I wonder if you can spend so much time looking for something that's lost, that you forget what it was to begin with.

And then I wonder,
When you do find it, will you even recognize it?

Will that even matter by then?

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Looking for a way out,
Or a way back in.
Depending on how you look at it.

And some boxes,
They're never meant for being opened. Ever.

Lying on the Moon

It's a dark and stormy place
But with you, my dear,
I'm safe and we're a million miles away.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

If we just went with what felt nice all the time,
That would fuck things up for some people.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

She always knew my name.

Her voice is cold, familiar, snaking itself around and pulling me to her. 

She was the echo off comforting bathroom floors, the constant gentle murmur that would find me when the flush of toilets drowned out all thought. 

There are so many days you have fooled yourself into thinking you've run far enough away,

Until she finds you. 

And oh, she always knows where to find you. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

All the girls wanna

One button at a time
Boy, don't you have fine designs 

You're working overtime 

Thursday, January 8, 2015


Couldn't hide it if I tried

Monday, January 5, 2015

And I start back at One

She's all commas and semi-colons, ellipses and periods
Tripping up on all the questions that play on the edge of her tongue and
Finding spaces between sentences for doubt to paint ugly pictures
She wanders, eyes closed, back into places of safety.
Back to a place where she can find proper footing,
Back to where it is okay to take a breath
Start. again.

Friday, January 2, 2015

If you can't actually see the pain you're feeling,
Are you really feeling it at all?

Thursday, December 25, 2014

She laughs way too loud, drinks way too much wine
Stumbling precariously along dirt roads in life
She holds your hand just a little too tight
But she smiles just a little bit when someone says "you're mine"

And there are stories she saves
For quiet midnight moons
Songs she sings when she's alone in her room

You don't have to be broken
To know how to break
Silences that echo, that echo with hate
Embedded so deep in the cracks of her bones
The ones she runs her fingers along
When she's all alone

And you don't have to say all the things you don't mean
You don't have to help her paint
such picturesque dreams

Because I'll bet she can unravel
All the prettiest lies
And still mean it when she says,
She'll stay through the night

Sunday, December 21, 2014


Can I make it better,
With the lights turned on?

Saturday, December 20, 2014



A crash of rhinoceros.

An improbability of puffins.

An improbability.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Adventure is out there

And so it begins-
One who's packing his life into boxes,
Another who's doing so much work from behind a screen she hardly feels productive some days..

It is as mortifyingly scary as it is thrilling and exciting,
But here we are.

On the precipice of beginning something that holds so much promise,
So much wonder and anticipation of the stories waiting to be told.

I've always been in love with theatre and the process of drama-making.
And someone (wise, I'm sure) did say,
To spread the love.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Wintery nights in Osaka

"Haven't you ever felt like that?"
"Like...? I don't know?"
"Like that's all you'll ever need. Like this one person- and that's all."

Monday, December 8, 2014

Evenings spent by quiet waters

And time warps that worked their magic

"Couldn't it be me that you pick?"

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Always the fool

I don't know what you're saying-
It's like your written words are a rush of white noise
While my voice
Has gone coarse
with things I have asked too many times

So remind her how to breathe
Go on, make her believe
What else is there to hold on to,
When we stand on such shaky ground?

I don't know what you're saying-
Your written words are a rush of white noise
And I know a girl, poised-
To catch your truth in all its varying shades
Holding tight
With her cut up fingers and cut up hands
to feel whole again.

Friday, December 5, 2014

The wanderer II

It's like I woke up,
And found myself at home
And right where I'm supposed to be

Sunday, November 30, 2014

I don't know if I'm strong enough now

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down, With cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
And I,
I'm the catalyst. 

Friday, November 28, 2014

"She's right you know"
"Wintry nights get to you. All the time."
"Or you're being Sappy little bitch."

"And you're just pretending not to be."

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Freeze your bones

So empty that it hurts


And we were in flames, I needed, I needed you
To run through my veins, like disease, disease
And now we are strange, strangers

Wait for me to degrade before
You go
Killing prey for
Waste of
Speaks when
Slumber's keeping
Under the bed
Out of revenge
I'm derailing
My youth has stained our sheets
With some piece of me
With some piece of me

Oh, winter comes
Oh, winter crushed all of the things that I once loved

It's just medicine

How much sad can one person hold?
And what do you with all that sad?
Because whether you're warm and at home, surrounded by people you know actually love you,
Or far away, feeling cold in all senses of the word, and alone and emptied out-
It's still the same, isn't it?

And how can you love someone you don't know?

How can you know me,
When there are too many days where I realize,
I don't think i know myself?

Getting lost in big cities where no one knows your name

"It would've been illegal not to come over and talk to you."

Because I'm just a girl

Pick me
Choose me



All this talk about laying claim..
When the strings I have, are only the ones I choose to keep.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Silly little girl, stupid little girl

Waking up far, far away and realizing that I can never outrun the sting of your words.

Monday, November 24, 2014


Is there a chance
A fragment of light 
At the end of the tunnel
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
That you'll change your mind?

Or are we ashes and wine

Dear world

Stop asking me questions,
Or tell me I can "talk about it" when
There's nothing to talk about

There isn't.

I would go in endless circles and end up back in square one
There is nothing within my control, not anymore
And if I stopped for a half second long enough to place what I feel,
I am only reminded of how I cannot and shouldn't.

Dear world,
It isn't always black and white,
You know that full well.
But even grey has its shades
And sometimes things fall on such in-betweens of the colour spectrum that we cannot see but know is there

Dear world,
You don't have to stop for me,
Or pretend that you will
Because you won't.
Things keep spinning and I will step on and off every so often

There are nights I feel like I'm the only one left spinning,
And on a completely different axis, at that.
Sometimes I wake up to better days than others
And sometimes I wonder why the night before didn't just take me with it.

But for one who has always encouraged an endless stream of talking until things make sense-
This is not something I feel i can ever make sense of, at least not right now.

So world,
Just don't right now okay?
Just don't.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

You learn all the ways you can fall in love again

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Honesty is a bottle of gin

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

It's a quarter after one

I'm a little drunk
And I need you now.


Oh all the things that are wrong to feel
And all the things
That are not real

The end of my rapidly fraying rope

So jump,
Why don't you?
To reach all the places you think are too far to feel.

I dare you.

You can't lose,
It's true-
When you take on all the things
The voices say you cannot do.

Ears that ring with numbness

Trust me.
You can't hurt me anymore than this
And how it's broken me in more ways than I know how to count

Help me place this pain

It sits in all the places I didn't know existed
All these drinks and smokes do nothing to erase this
that I am not the one you choose. This Feeling
That I will always lose
This game I don't know how to play
These words, I'm not supposed to say, so..
Darling, teach me how to cope
Knowing I
Am not allowed to hope
Tell me what
To expect, that now
We need to choose the hats
That make us different persons
I'm standing, on grounds that shake
I question, where I am and then pick
only choices that make me
Fuzz out
All the things I'm reading
Cos baby,
You do such a job
Of keeping
Me numb and breaking
Along fault lines
I thought stopped existing

Monday, November 17, 2014

Because you taught me how to be still, and come

"So Can You" was a short that I came on board for just a little while ago.
Nicely written and beautifully shot, I cannot express how thrilled I was to be part of this production. Getting to work with the same horses I'd gotten so close to in the last few years was also a huge perk for me- It was new and exciting, to see two different bits of my life kinda come together the way it did.

It's funny how stuff works but being able to share what I have personally experienced and also watched unfold in children who have gone through the program is something that meant a whole lot to me.

I hope you enjoy it just as much as we did making this!

To the amazing people who were behind this- thank you and working with you guys was nothing short of fun and wonderful.

Special Thanks of course, must go to
Damiro, who is SUCH a handsome boy and steals the show. Thank you for being so patient and lovely
And Lili who always came out to cuddle right on cue and who is the prettiest girl in the film.

And to the one who first taught me to come as I am, in all my self-doubt and vulnerability, who helped me learn again what it meant to just, be..
Thank you,
for bringing me to where I am today.

So Can You - A Short Film from Warrior9 on Vimeo.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Here in these deep city lights

In a city that used to wow me because it made me feel so far away from everyday life,
I find myself looking up at starless skies looking for all the paths i used to know would lead me back to where I'd feel grounded. 


I can do this-
Let me?


Girl could get lost

Wednesday, November 12, 2014


Embarking on journeys,
When i already know just where I want and need to be.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

And I know that in the morning, I'll have to let you go

But where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Don't listen to a word I say

(The screams all sound the same)

You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep

-- monsters and men

If you want me

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes

a lover that sighs

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fine, I'll be just fine.

Wandering empty streets
And looking into gardens
Trying not to see you in every single thing I pass.


Can I forget your love?
How can I never see you again?
How can I ever know
Why some stay, others go
When I don't
I don't want you to go?

There's not one moment
I'd erase.
You are a guest here now.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I have never known a trip more bittersweet, more full and yet filled with such aching emptiness at the same time. 

I have never laughed more than I have this week in the last three months, and I have never known I could feel so much like I am breaking apart at the same time. 

I hope you know,

I've left my heart with you. 

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light's always red in the rearview


You know what Charis-
How about you just get your shit together okay?
Just get your shit together. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

"Seek and thou shalt find"

Ave Maria, gratia plena
Dominus tecum ave Maria
Benedicta es tu, Santa Maria
Santa Maria, Ora Ora pro nobis


I've been looking,
So how long til we find some semblance of light?

Sunday, October 12, 2014

When another

That really stings. 


All these steps
To further away


Calls you baby

Thursday, October 9, 2014

In the spirit of honesty

So here's the thing about being sober and sad.
You can still feel everything, in all its realness, and there isn't anything nice warm and fuzzy to make you feel like you can take deal with it.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Teach me how to fix this

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

But some mornings.

Honest goodbyes

Sink with the tide
Rescue me, if you like
I'll be leaving it all up to you. 


I took a misstep,
And now I don't know where I am. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Concrete shores

She has danced along shorelines ten stories too high
Sung lullabies when she is up way past midnight
You've called her weak for all the stumbles she has made
And she knows,
She hasn't the courage to not be afraid.


Hold me?

Friday, October 3, 2014

Come morning light

Sunlight catches the natural highlights in her hair as she looks up, wide-eyed.
She is in a world that is hers, in the middle of her mother's chatter and tinkling laughter over coffee.

The river behind her runs quiet, and around her a cacophony of clinking cutlery, deep hearty laughs that remind her of her father, clattering of children's toys she has no interest in.

She is in a world that is hers;
Right in the middle of her mother's chatter and tinkling laughter
over coffee.

Half moons

My mother always told me-
Don't let the sun set (or rise) on your anger.

Monday, September 29, 2014

In my veins

Oh you're in my veins and I cannot get you out
You're all I taste, at night, 
Inside of my mouth 


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Stuck in her daydreams

It's too cold outside
For angels to fly


Didn't they tell you?
Sleep comes in tiny little capsules that smell a bit strange.

Monday, September 22, 2014


Hush little baby don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright 
Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night 

I-love-Yous like band-aids trying to hold all the broken together. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014


There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul

Monday, September 15, 2014

Where'd you go?

I think I've lost sense of time and space and days and weeks. 
I don't know where I am, half the time. What I'm thinking, what I want...
I don't. 
Maybe you can tell me-
You could say
"You look like you need some sleep."
"You could use a nice long swim."
"Here. Here's a hug."

I have conversations purely out of habit. So that I don't trip up on the mess of telephone wires in my head that are running conversations back and forth and all over the place like it's connecting people who are worlds apart. 
Not that I would know what any kind of connection feels like at the moment though. 

My words are cold and empty. They hang in the air and don't mean anything. 
My voice is hoarse from words that have scratched the insides of my throat trying to get out. 
I am tired out from trying to keep track of the world and its spinning and all the different directions it spins. At the same time. 

But mostly, I am numb. 
It's an okay place to be, I guess. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

So come now, courage

Teach me to be shy.

Cos it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Grace, what have you done?

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
I wish you enough

"Let us know when you're home k?"

There are people in my life I am so grateful for.


So to my SOAKies,
I don't know what I'd do without you.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

Hit rewind.


If there was one thing in my life I would change,
It'd be the day I chose to say goodbye.

So tell me that you're okay.
That you're happier now.
That if I went down a different rabbit hole,
You would come hurtling into my arms with a force fueled by happiness that knows no bounds, with a light inside you so bright,
You could burn a thousand suns.

Because angel,
You were all those things
And more.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The week of magic

I also figured...
well hey, it's already fucked with a stream of hard-to-deal-with-moments, what's saying yes to an event I know will certainly take the biscuit hmm?

Slipping under

Funny how one who writes can be emptied out of words.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Letters to far away

Dear Wallaby Joe,

For some reason, I missed you terribly today-

For the ages you left me standing there waiting, and all the cuddles you'd come with after. 

It was one of those days I needed my wallaby-time: To just, centre myself and feel the world fall away when you finally came nose to nose with me. 

So hey. I hope you're doing okay. That you're munching on carrots and sneaking bananas and being happy. 

I hope you're happy. 

In all the ways you made me happy too. 

Sent from my iPhone

Complainte de la butte

The stairways up to la butte 
can make the wretched sigh.

Friday, August 22, 2014

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"

Monday, August 18, 2014

Hey remember that time...

I thought you had a smile that could floor me-
And it did.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Friday, August 15, 2014

And I get to kiss you baby, just because I can

"This song makes you feel all like, 'awww' cos it's like, you know, you have it."

And we're smiling to ourselves. 
In fact, I'm smiling so hard I'm already crying. 

How do you lose at a game you weren't even playing?

Thursday, August 14, 2014


Can you lose someone before they've left?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Wandering souls who wander home

To weekends I get to start with you guys like this-
Yes, that includes Bird, behind the camera.

Sometimes, I don't know how I do with you not being around.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Baby Toufu

I'm going to miss lunches like this.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

To getaways and cat naps

This was what I needed over the weekend.
Sun, pool, good conversations, space when I needed it, and a drink in my hand.

When they said "It gets better",
They weren't lying. (:

Sunday, July 20, 2014

the lucky one

and it's like, when it feels like I know just which word to fill in your blanks with,
I think maybe, hey-
we're a step or two closer to getting the bits of us back

Friday, July 18, 2014


I think you're beautiful.
The most beautiful girl in all the world
And your smile-
It still gets me.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


I'm not sad
I can't be sad
If I am numb, I can't be sad


But No, I'm not sad tonight after all actually
I got home, sober, although mortifyingly tired from my drinks..
Or dinner
Or actually my drinks which was my dinner..
And then I poured myself water, fried up chicken nuggets,
And sat down to finish writing one of my articles this week. 

I realized, that filled me a lot more than most of tonight. 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Close your eyes, count to ten

Maybe you'll be okay then

"You write from such a sad place."
I know, my love, I know. 
Some days that place is sadder than others. 
But I am okay. 
I am going to be okay. I will. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

The world

There're so so many places I want to go.
But I want to go to all of them with you.

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Can you hear when I say 
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had something that was wrong
Can I make it better with the lights turned on
Maybe I had something that was wrong
Can I make it better
with the lights turned on

Monday, July 7, 2014

And so here's to one of the loveliest, most beautiful couples I know!

So yesterday was...
In short, really amazing.
Everything was well-organized, flowed smoothly. The crowd was good, no drama (as far as i could see anyway!), the food was really nice and just... Everything about it was beautiful.

I liked how they kept it really fuss-free. There wasn't things like the groom having to do a series of challenges to get his girl (I remember Cher talking about how it was very degrading and altogether quite contrived- I can't say I disagree at all!!), she didn't have like six hundred thousand outfits to change in and out of during the dinner, which allowed them to eat and all so that was good.
I thought they took on the day really calmly in a very non-frazzled manner.

I mean, at about six, when I pop by their room to help Lucas with his hair,
Cher's sitting with her legs crossed, in a large chair, getting her hair done- the picture of absolute calm and zen-likeness. And then she goes,
"Charis, they messed up the flowers."
"What! What do you mean?!" (And I sound more jumpy than her, mind you.)
"Yeah, we asked for all white and they gave us orange and blue. It looks really ugly- I'll show you pictures."
Except she said it all in this, "oh no"- sorta tone more than
The flowers and drapes were something that got fixed and it looked much better when the guests arrived, which was good. And maybe it's a lot to do with their personality but really, I thought they handled everything really well.
It was really nice being around them and pottering around too because they weren't highly strung at all.

Mostly it made me smile to see them so happy together. Erika did say something really true, that it's almost just a formality or making it all official because really, they're doing it all already- the way they support each other and make such a great team.

I've said it a couple times over in varying ways but-
I truly think these two balance bring a really nice balance to each other. It's lovely watching them together, and we've had many evenings where we've tried out new dishes together, tried each Other's food and sat around watching stuff on YouTube after. It's been a huge blessing getting to hang out with them, the times that I have.

I can't imagine how different it's going to be now...
But I'm sure there'll be very many new things to find fun and exciting.

Lucas and Cher, all the best on your new adventure together! ❤️❤️

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Sunday brunches

Erika: you've still got one more country out of ten to go to. 

Jared: Erika country. 

Me: Erika country baby? You mean you need to come back to jiejie Erika after all that...?

Jared: jiejie Erika country!

Me: oh her own country, is that it?

Erika: well I hope you take a super long time travelling to all the other nine countries, including the Indian Ocean because Erika's country is still being made. I'm working on it. 

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Of forevers

Every so often, there'll be an influx of engagement photos, wedding photos, baby bump photos and of course, all the saccharine-sweet words that make up promises and dreamy hopes and picturesque futures.

They scare me a little bit.
Not so much the pictures that flood my Facebook timeline but how easily it kicks one into a frenzy of
Amidoingenoughwithmylife-ness, whereamigoingwithmyself-ness and JAYSUSwhatificannotaffordcatlitterformy97cats.

I'm not where I wanted to be five years ago, seven years ago. I bought myself more time, I got more drawn into certain things I found I liked doing...
But I am not all the things I once thought I'd be by this time in my life.
I suppose there's nothing to be afraid of if I am at least taking steps in the right direction. And I do believe I am.
Sorta. Kinda.
It's just a little bit difficult to keep from feeling bummed when it seems like you're far away from where you want to be, and when it feels like you might be dreaming a little too big.

But I guess, we'll get there when we get there hey? And maybe it'll feel all sorts of wonderful because of how long its taken to get there.


All that crippling self-doubt aside!
I must say that alongside a few others, there is a couple who is quite, quite ready to get married-
And I think that's pretty cool.

They're all set for this Saturday and I think it's quite lovely to see and to hear of their families rallying around and pulling out all the stops for them. It all sounds pretty exciting, I must say.
Not just the wedding- I mean their general forever-togetherness and stuff. I think they've been through a fair share of ups and downs and I'm thrilled to get to watch them take this next step together.
I truly hope that married life turns out to be all the things they have wanted and dreamt up and so much more- they certainly deserve it, and I'm really really happy for them.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

You break me in all the places I thought were empty

Monday, June 23, 2014

darling, please look at me-
this is not the ending. This could be the anthem you sing to yourself,
when you're slipping away,
into sleep,
when the lights are so low.

falling to pieces

breaking apart
at the thought of the shadows that come to you,
the words she cannot hear that you scream at in your sleep,
at all the things she wishes she could undo,
but can't.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Her voice is cold and warm against the nape of my neck, her words snaking themselves around me,
"One day, when you're beautiful"


Be patient with me,
Because I can be so very trying when I am in need. I ask questions to which I have heard the answers to, but want to hear, in your voice, over and over and over again.
Soften the blows of my day with the warmth of your laughter, the light in your eyes...
Sometimes I come home so cold and so empty that it feels like I cannot give anymore. You make me want to though, all the time. You make me save some of myself for you.
Hold me.
And when you can't, you can wrap me up in words because I will believe them.
I am a child like that-
Hanging on to every last whisper of a promise that you might have for me,
In the spaces between your I Love Yous, I Miss Yous.

Bear with me?
Because sometimes the words are too heavy on my tongue and I am too afraid to tell you all the things I want and miss and need.
And I don't want to ask so much of you and so...
I just won't.
Instead, asking questions to which I have heard the answers to, but want to hear,
in your voice,
over and over and over again.

Tell me

What all the spaces between your words mean

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Hopelessly taken

My skin has memorized the feel of your fingertips, and the brush of your lips against my collarbone.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Women of Asia

I'll be honest. I've spent the last few years doing way more directing in theatre than I have acting. And yes, sure, I've kept my wheels oiled with tv and film, but there's nothing like coming back to theatre. 
Nothing like it. 
For me, here is where everything falls into place. 


 I don't know if it'll be your cup of tea but Women Of Asia opens at the LaSalle Flexi Space tomorrow!

Directed by international playwright and director, Asa Gim Palomera, this 90minute show is a collection of stories about Asian women- some are of those in power, those who are bound to tradition, those who are sold into slavery...

I feel it brings to light a lot of issues/themes that are rarely talked about or are considered taboo. 

Women of Asia has been staged in other places that include New York, Edinburgh, Melbourne and Bangkok.

Come for a collection of stories that will make you laugh at some bits and cry at others. 

Our shows run Thursday - Saturday for two weekends. 

Evening shows are at 8pm,

Matinee shows (Saturday) are at 3pm. 

Tickets are available on


Hope to see you there!(: