Saturday, April 30, 2011

You do know,

That I am perfectly capable of hearing, right? That I can hear you. Full well and crystal clear.

That I could find bones to pick with you, but that I don't. And that I don't know why I even bother most times. Tonight for instance.
I didn't need to come back here. Believe me, I didn't. And not if this is what I'll come back to.

But you never get that do you?

Here's the thing-
1) It's okay because no one can possibly hurt me more than myself. That's the beauty of what I do. And
2) I'm tired. You make me tired.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

April 28th 2011, Thursday

This is what I do sometimes:
I go through archives.
Blog archives.
Hers, mine, yours.
Of writers, and non-writers, friends and acquaintances.

I think it's interesting. I like seeing where people are and where people have been at a random point in their lives. I could draw it out, if I could draw.
It's fascinating, gawd.

For instance-
It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
Today I had a meeting. Or two. It's to do with school.
I am in the midst of weighing things out, but sorta figuring which side I'm leaning to. Sorta.
The biggest thing for me today, is that it's my last day of teaching Drama In Curriculum to Secondary School Kids after (more or less) three and a half years. My last day (at least for a while) because, when the new semester starts, I'm not going to be doing DIC anymore.
Imagine that.
What has made up my life for quite a while now, what I've built my entire life and being around- it's stopping.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
Someone's Uncle just died and today is the first day of the wake. It's held in Yishun.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
Someone who helped out with the wake preparations just yesterday or the day before, went home to find out that his own Grandmother passed on.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
It's the first Thursday back in the office for someone, after having been on course for the last three months or so. It's a relief, for the most part. No more ugly nurse shoes, and she gets to have her funky hair again. But it's a Thursday, and she's in the office.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
It's someone's fourth day of school this year. Poly, to be precise. A Poly she worked and fought damn hard for. It's the fourth day of school and she's just found out that she doesn't have to stay til nine-thisisabsurd-pm and that she can actually join the family for dinner. She just needs to talk her older sister out of wanting a can of cream soup for dinner.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
Thursdays mean two major programs, and Thursdays could honestly do with being less tiring. But she'll finish at seven (an hour after being due to get off work) and have dinner.

It's April 28th 2011, Thursday right now.
Someone's in Australia with his wife and two children. It's a busy time to have flown off, but the tickets were booked. It's the first time they're travelling with both kids.
He needs to write a cheque when he's back. Although he doesn't know that yet.

It's April 28th today.
There've been a lot of April 28ths and 29ths. Lots and lots and lots of days that we've missed out on, that we have had since, that we will have eventually.
So when I find myself in one of those archive-browsing moments, with my head tilted, imagining and actually,
missing something that's completely out of reach, I scramble to find myself here.

On April 28th 2011, Thursday. 6:19pm
Dinner with my family.
And I'll pop over to say hello later.
Surely there are people, couples, married or not, who wake up, still realizing how in love they are with the person they're with.

I think it's amazing, how easy it is to find yourself still waking to the same person, only because you've been doing it for so long already.
So then, it's nice when there are those who wake, realizing over and over again how much they still feel. That being said, it's such a fine line between being happy because you're in a relationship that you've gotten used to and being happy because you still feel so much for the significant other.

For ages, I've always found myself wondering,
"What happens when I wake up realizing this isn't what I want anymore? That I'm not happy, that we're not happy?"

I still don't know the answer to that question. Get out, perhaps, and damn fast at that.
But I figure, there will be someone who won't have you think that. Who, like you, doesn't quite mind the monotony and the idea of "for quite a while."


And find yourself words, without double meanings

"Stay," they'll tell you. They'll always tell you to stay, they'll always tell you to just be happy, be grateful for what you have.
Because staying doesn't involve going anywhere. Staying doesn't involve trying or testing or being scared.

April 24th, 2pm

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

No matter where you go

I will find you

I don't suppose one is fully aware, how much of a battle it is to not,
until you find yourself back in an all-too familiar place,
and it feels like you never left it.

Like you're 12, 13 again, and everything's careening out of control.
But you hold tight to yourself and believe that at least, at least,
in one aspect, you're in control and you're still able to cling on to your sanity.
Even if it hurts, even when you hate yourself.

Even when you're half turned away from the mirror and the tiniest, tiniest bit of you thinks,
"I, I- shouldn't do this."

If it takes a thousand years

Run Charis,


How did we get here?

I hate being distracted by archives.
By history, by the two steps-before,
by time-lines that run uncomfortably close together.

Sometimes we don't mean to hurt the people we love.
And then we struggle with being honest with ourselves, and have to deal with that defensive side that comes up when people second-guess you after you chose to be honest with yourself.

I like what I have now.
I hate being distracted by archives.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Vigil

So I went, feeling severely underdressed. But I didn't get frowned at, and I pulled a cardy over myself so it wasn't too bad on that end.
I really liked it, I must say. Not the not-getting-frowned-at-bit, although that did help.

I've never been for Easter Vigil before, or sat through baptisms and paid attention, for that matter. There are always points where one finds oneself switching off, or sinking in one's seat.
Didn't happen. I really liked it(:

Dinner was amazingly late, but I think not having the sense to go to the teller's earlier added to that. (I will tell myself off for being such a procrastinator, later.)

Yes I like Easter Vigil, but I think there was a whole lot of things that came with it that I really liked as well. I don't have extended discussions about my faith very often. When it comes up, my opinions, takes and beliefs, yes, but it's hardly ever a two-person conversation now is it? But then it was, and that was interesting.
I think we often find ourselves talking about pretty interesting things. Things I can go back and chew on and mull over for a bit.
There are a lot of things that are different, in a lot of ways. None of them bad, just different. And the finding out is always the fun bit- about whatever topic it is at hand, last night's mostly being church/the church/churches.

It was a lovely Sunday morning to wake up. I gave CMC a miss, seeing as I wasn't very close by, and, our last time-check having been 3:54am (time-warp much?), I wasn't keen on waking up at some nonsense hour.
On weekends, I find that I am rather taken aback by how bright it is at 7 in the morn.
Anyhoosies, we lazed and slept in. Although I lie when I say "slept in" because no, sleeping in til eight or nine isn't really sleeping in.
Sat around with Erika's folks this Easter Morning- there's this very nice and comfy sort of routine-like vibe that they tend to give off. They are the epitome of parents on a weekend morning, and it's amazing and super refreshing.
Don't get me wrong, I love my functionally dysfunctional family in all the ways possible, but I haven't felt that sort of homely, family-type ease since, Good Lord,
the first flat we rented when we first got to Singapore.
It's nice.

I went to Church with The Little Creature. It was nice. Said Hellos and Goodbyes, talked briefly about Sabs' wedding in October. I'm a bit scared, but I'm not going to talk about it.
The Little Creature and I had some time together in the area close to home,
I had a productive rest-of-the-Sunday.

Not bad for Easter I say!
They do say, it's New beginnings, no?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Now there's gravel in our voices

I call him Peter.
Because Peters always tend to be simple. Simple and uncomplicated.
Peters remind me of Peter the rabbit. Sometimes silly, sometimes naughty, but never really meaning any harm.

The good bits were good, and the bad bits were psychotic. But I suppose, crazy as it sounds, we fed into each other's bouts of insanity, perpetuating the cycle and believing we were just in love when we were tearing each other apart.

We were so bad together, we were so bad for each other. And maybe that's what made us dig our nails in stubbornly.
But after a while, everything hurt. I couldn't get out fast enough and I don't suppose we knew what it meant to be honest with ourselves. Everything, everything that was us, it tore into us and bled out with such an intensity that it burned.

It was warped, it was crazed, and we called it love for as long as we did.

Sometimes, familiarity feels like an ache. Sometimes, it feels like the scratchy fabric on the inside of your new woollen top.

And sometimes, songs ring with such truth that you are brought back to a different time in your life. And you lean out the car window, grateful.
Minutely irritated at the familiarity, but grateful.

Grateful that it's not you.
That it's over.

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Best friends in a circle

I want to do something,
to make this better.
I really hate that this is happening, that it sucks as much as it does. And I don't know, is it worth it?

I'm sorry.
And I wish it wasn't like this for you. Gawd, you have no idea.


it's always easier when it's starting out. When it feels like you're not trying. When the world is difficult, but ignoring it is easy.

stacks of photographs are nice to hold on to. And hand-written letters.
And memories of days that emptied itself out, giving way to quiet conversations by the beach, or sunsets or just, afternoons of nothing.
Oh the loveliest somethings that came of nothing.

it's really easy to go through archives and think, "it was simpler then". And things change, but the best part (albeit the most difficult part) is navigating those changes and ups and downs together.

it's easier to hold on to what you had as opposed to what you have. What you have now and here, and what is just as lovely, different as it is.

there're always going to be rainy days, we're not always going to remember our brolly- and in the process of trying to figure out what to do, we forget the fun of standing nose to nose in the downpour and getting soaked to the skin.

I'm still terribly, incredibly, impossibly, completely and utterly in love with you. I like what we've got, how it always falls into place and how there is not one bit, not even the tiniest bit that I'd change about us.
And this is what I stayed for, what I wanted to stay for-
To learn and try and bump into corners. To grow, and change at the same time.
To fumble along, not always knowing quite where we're going, but finding the joy in getting lost together.
To bicker and fight, kiss and make up.

à la limite


Today was just like, 'doh.
I don't even know what it was. It went too quick, then it went too slow. I couldn't catch up half the time. I had no clue what was going on.
Even right now, when I talk to The Little Creature about it, I'm still like,
"So I don't know man." I don't know what's up. All of it.
To think that last night I was thinking, "hmm. Just a half day more to the weekend." I was so psyched. Except, now I want to do Wednesday over again so that I can tweak bits of today.

I think the only thing that actually made sense the whole of today, was Mass. Never been for one on Maundy Thursday. Well, I'd never been for any until last year but yeah. Going with Erika and her family, it was nice. And I like how Aunty Vivien fills me in. Well, Erika does too most of the time, but the bits that Aunty Vivien does is nice.
I hated that we were late.
No, I'm not kidding you. I fucking hated that we were late when we wouldn't have been, when I wouldn't have been. But don't get me started on that rant now. Really.
So for that while at church, it was nice.
When everything fades into the background, when you leave your baggage behind and come to the cross.

Everything else-
I uh. will. attempt to understand it and/or give up.
Or just talk about it until it's not just me going, "HUH. WHADDAFUH." or "Hey, remember when Thursdays meant going to 7-11 after school?"

Vicky's got/is getting herself a new wing-girl.
I'm upset.

I want to pretend that I have to wake up for work tomorrow morning so that something, something, will feel normal.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

the way the stars, light up the sky

It's one of those nights where I want to tell you over and over again, how much I love you.
"Iloveyouloveyouloveyou!" I'd say.
Except, I don't really do that and it'd be a tad odd to give you a stream of I love yous during our we're-supposed-to-go-to-sleep-but-omg-we-timewarped-again-phonecalls.
And then, there are only so many times you can text it, no?
So then I'm stuck, dammit. *pout

ugh. I'm such a sap!
No use pretending I'm not anymore hey?

I love you, love you, love you(:

Now, don't you make me do funny things?

Monday, April 18, 2011

This is what makes life divine

As it always happens, when one is picking through debris, there are bits that tend to cut, things that haven't lost their sting just yet.
But I'd much rather us picking our way through the aftermath any day, rather than lay a pretty cloth over it and pretend the mess isn't there.

The weekend was divine.
We've been holding on pretty damn long (in my opinion), putting up with certain things, looking past others, choosing when to bite our tongues and when to be painfully honest.
I've looked forward to this weekend for quite a bit, to be honest.

Sooo, it started off with Vietnamese, which was really nice. And that followed with an entire weekend of being cozy, comfy and at home.
I always knew weekends were meant to be like that(:

And on mornings like Sunday, I wake, curl up smiling and think, "I'm the luckiest girl in all the world."

I went for Mass with Erika, and we went back home for her mommy's porridge. OMG, it was reeeeally nice! I really, really likey! We did major face-stuffing with the healthier-type junk food (green=healthy!) while watching Deception. It was an okay movie with a whole lot of sex which wasn't too cool. But food makes for a good distraction. Like, "omg, wow, is this seaweed REALLY shaped like an elephant?"
Lazed about a whole lot more, chatted, caught up and then upped the family-time with her grammy after.

Seeing/ visiting Erika's grampsies always really makes me miss my own. I guess I don't think about it very much because I've grown up without them for the most part. But then, having sort of entered this part of life where you find yourself staring at your grampsies and wondering if it's the last time you'll see them- it sorta really gets to you.
And we always push it back, delude ourselves into thinking we can buy more time. Sorta like with Uncle John. I never knew I wouldn't get to see him again. And it really stings, now, even though it's been a while.
So yeah, I know visiting Erika's grampsies/ grammy aren't a replacement for my own, but I quite like popping by all the same.

Weekends like the one that just passed make me quite smiley(:

You are the miracle that I've been dreaming of

aeroplane versus airplane versus YAY HOLIDAY!

Call me self absorbed, but I happen to think that it's been a looooong, loooong time coming.
I also, honestly, feel that it is awfully well-deserved.
It's been in the plans for months, and YAY.
Finally, we're getting to it.

We're going to Perth(((:


Thursday, April 14, 2011

You are more than any award.
I swear to you. I swear.
You are so much more than any award.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

In front of the CYC

There is always some kind of down-side to even the best of what you do.
With working in this line, there are always the pieces to pick up once production has wrapped.
Most times, you need to deal with your own post-production blues.
Some being worse than others.

There is life to catch up on, breaths to take,
and a stream of afternoons where you will find yourself at a standstill and going,
"why aren't I in the middle of a rehearsal?"

I'm not there yet.
I'm quite intent on finding time to just catch my breath, and stop running off at the drop of a hat, or the moment my blackberry vibrates.

Happy as I am to just, be able to stop,
there's always post-production blues.
It's already hit a couple of us, I'm wondering how bad it'll be for me.
Maybe it'll be easier this time round.

Can't quite tell yet.

I'll just focus on catching my breath first shall I?

there are people to thank-
not just the cast and crew of all the schools, but family, friends and significant others who've found themselves having to take a step back as the hurricane that is SYF unleashed itself on all of us.

It hasn't just been the Directors or the Actors or the Crew that's been in this, it's everyone around us as well. It's taken a toll on everyone and everything.

I think yoghurt and playground time has been put on hold long enough.

come on and take a bow

Anything, to keep us.

I like that we're okay.
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Sunday, April 10, 2011

Your ex-girlfriend

Is lovely, talented, smart.
Is patient, you know all of this already, thoughtful, has given.
Is giving.

Is waiting.

the hardest part about work

I work because I want to.
Because I love it.
Because, omg, this is me and this is my life and no one will believe me now but,
tired as I am,
I'm desperately holding on to this last minute dash.
Some people are looking forward to SYF being over, I'm wondering what will be left of me when it is.
My kids, this production. Me doing everything I know how to do. Me trying. Me watching them try.

I love my job. It's not even just a job, it's been my life for the longest time.
How do I just put it all down?

"I don't just love the drama teacher part of you, you know," she told me once, "I love you, just you."
Except sometimes it's difficult to see myself for anything beyond all of this. And for the most part of my life, I haven't minded that. I've loved that actually. How I have lived and breathed the performing arts.
But now, just sometimes, it scares me.

What happens after, when the house lights come on and the curtains draw closed?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Come What May

at every major traffic junction, or when my cab is speeding down empty roads and making sharp turns, or when there is a car coming at full speed round the corner, or when I jaywalk, I find myself whispering quietly
"Crash into me. Crash into me. Crash into me."

Because things and words and situations get fuzzy.
All the things that you've been working for, at every point and turn in your life,
they start feeling like it's not enough.
Like you're not doing enough.
Like you are not enough.

And let's face it-
at some point, the one thing you'd like to hold on to, will start to slip through your fingers.
And the person who you'd like most to stay,
will walk away.

It's easier to place a pain that you can see. That you can deliberately stab into, in order for it to hurt more- If only to remind yourself that you're still alive.

crash into me.

Like pens to a sharpener

You can love someone with everything that you are,
And still be wrong for them.

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'll breathe again

I'm spinning, trying to catch my breath.
If I thought today would help me breathe, I was wrong. Because I've ended up losing my footing.

But as Erika pointed out to me, I'm jumping the gun. Quite a bit at that. And I am ever so grateful that I have someone to keep me grounded and steady.

I have to fight, every single day, to keep from losing my grip. And then I have to fight some more.
But okay. I am here.
I will let the chips fall where they may and take it piece by piece instead of letting the thoughts running amok in my head get the better of me.

I need to stop and take a second before I can even think about this leap. And then when it happens, it will. If not, I'll make a round and try again. I always have, haven't I?

It's going to be okay.
All I need to focus on right now,
Is breathing.

And today is the perfect day to do that.


I couldn't do this without you.

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Sunday, April 3, 2011


I will,
for as long as you need me


Friday, April 1, 2011

je crois

7 days
then 10

c'mon guys, last lap,

Only until time runs out on us

This is what came of our lego date!

So it was home-cooked food after a long, long day at work on both sides. It was chats in the parks with best friends. It was American Idol over macaroni soup. It was showing parents our work of art! (or the in-betweens of it)
It was goodnight kisses and getting tucked in.

Even if romance ran out of rhyme