Here's something

I want to be with you too.

Sundays

So, when it has to happen, promise you'll come home after work for brunch with the family?

The world needs to shut up-

This noise,
I can hear it behind the songs I'm playing straight into my ears

Anything, anything you'd like

When we grow old, that we won't get too busy to say I Love You

This Off-Day

Things To Do:

1) Sort through the random papers I have so that I can

2) PACK

3) Swim

4) Make Chocolate for Vicky's tonight

Feels like I need to start with the last one so there'll be time. hrmm.

Butbut, sun:/

Maybe in May, JuneSong

and then I was happy, because you do that a lot, make me happy. Very much so actually.

but things have come in waves and bouts. I wanted to tell you, I want to, even now. Except the words get tangled up and I can't say it out proper.

Sometimes I want to talk, but I never know how to do it without sounding self-absorbed.

It might just seem like the same old thing over and over and over again anyway, and why, for fuck's sake, can't I just drop it already? Or at least take my issues some place else.

So then, I started, and then I stopped.

and then I was sad. But then you were there. And you make me happy, and you do that a lot.

When you pull me in, to you, and we're nose to nose, lip to lip, for just a bit, everything else disappears. You make me happy. You made me happy.

But then, for just a bit, I was sad. And I don't like to think that maybe, I ended up making you less happy than you were. When all you do is make me happy.

And now that thought, it makes me sad.

Sunrays and Saturdays

We had an ikea date yesterday afternoon-

I really liked it. Maybe also because the food place wasn't as crowded as it usually is.

We picked out beds and bedframes- I've decided that I can't do a double bed in my room. Dayum. But I'm opting for a Super single instead. On that note, none of the beds/bedframes we looked at yesterday is what will move in with me. dammit.

Picked out shelves, and cosied up on couches that weren't ours, in living rooms that were all tiny and well, cosy.

I don't know how big our couch will be, but I'm leaning towards fabric-type as opposed to leather. Need to find a way to stop Buttons from frikkin' clawing at furniture. I will not be the least bit happy if she starts ripping apart our new couch.

So we basically spent the afternoon walking around, taking down measurements, planning, drawing (albeit terribly) before we came home intending to crash out a bit. That's the thing about working on Saturdays (though I'm not exactly complaining!), the afternoon looks lovely but gawd I'm knackered! But I digress!

Everyone else, save for Delia, pulled out on dinner, so it was just the three of us at 313's Trattoria (Which in my memory was pretty nice!), with a funky smelling waiter and an odd looking pizza. That was a shame. I might wait for a bit before going back to that place.

Got Boost Juice, made it for the 10 o'clock movie, with Erika's work friends and got ourselves home.

All in all, it was a pretty nice evening out.

Missed home-cooked dinner with my family though, and I felt awful. Cos I've missed dinner with them, and especially home-cooked ones. But I've got today and tomorrow.

It's looking like an incredibly busy week this week-

Vicky's leaving for a good month and a half this week (OMGAHHH), Erika's birthday, work...

There're dinners to do and SDC rehearsals to have. Yep. We're scheduled for rehearsals, despite not actually having a script yet.

But hey,

that's how we roll.

___________________________________

oh, the way you make me feel

Into Dust

"Why are you doing this?" She asks, her eyes holding mine.

"Because-"

"When do you want to stop? When do you want, to want to stop?"

I'm irritated at her, frustrated. We've gone through this over and over and over again, why the fuck doesn't she get it? And then I realize the problem- she does.

She does get it, and then she takes it and throws it back at me, forcing me to re-explain myself. And I hate her for it.

"Why are you turning on me now?"

"I'm not. I just. I want this so much that it scares me into not wanting it. And then, I don't know what to do with myself."

"I'm doing this, because... Because sometimes I'm scared. And sometimes I'm unsure, and this is familiar. But most times, I'm frustrated and I need a way out. Most times, it's the only way I know how to hold on to myself."

"I'm spinning," she tells me, looking up.

"But then, once the spinning slows itself, and you strain to see through the blur in your eyes,

it feels like you've found yourself. Like you will. Like you'll be okay."

"Like I'll be okay."

"Like I'll be okay."

Post-holiday

I'm tired. Tired tired tired.

Brain dead, and I don't exaggerate. But I crawled back to the office with the rest and did more work until it was too late. And then I stuck myself in a cab.

And I'm so tired, I'm almost teary-eyed.

But then, I'm not tired of my life, not really. And I'm happy about that.

Jay decided to play me some songs that made me miss LA. And so I did. I stared out the cab window, half-smiling, half-too-tired-to, and I missed LA.

And her.

Well, I'd been thinking of her anyway.

LA makes me swim in a whirl of mixed feelings sometimes.

And I missed LA; The walking home in the cold, turning familiar corners and noting where I was by the Christmas Decor of each house.

But then I also remembered constantly thinking about her when I was there. And missing her. And constantly fighting things I'd never thought or felt before.

And missing her.

So sitting here, in a cab at peak hour, staring out the window while a song played itself in my ears, made me think of all the things I thought about when I missed her.

It made me smile and I didn't mind that.

And I remember why I chose to be here, and I don't mind that either.

But then I also miss LA.

I want to go back for a while. Which is funny, because I thought I'd already gotten my fix.

On my way back to Singapore, I just thought, "Oh My Gawd, I cannot possibly do two months here. Not without her."

I surprise myself with that thought, even now.
I had a nightmare last night. And it was funny because it was a nightmare. Not funny like, hahaha, funny like, weird and bizarre.

So I was back in LA for like, a month and a half.

And the first week, I'm top of the world, cozying up in one of the places in the world where I've always felt at home and comfy.

But then, the end of that first week comes around and I think, "So this is it, right?"

Except we've still got five weeks to go. Six, actually, in my dream, for some reason.

And I'm just like, "Shit, ohmygawd." And I can't do it. Like I literally, didn't know how I'd see myself through the rest of the weeks there.

Which is bizarre because I mean, much as I miss people, it doesn't happen like that.

And I just.

Well I don't know.

It was a nightmare.

I'm fantastically, absurdly tired. And I would really like to go to bed, like right now.

Except,

I would also very much like to go for a run.

I had pork today.

It tastes like a pig died in my mouth.

I only ate it for the chilli though.

Told you I was tired.

______________________________

I'll buy you Rogaine, when you start losing all your hair

Sew on patches, to all you tear.

Cos I,

love you more than I could promise.

We spend our lives trying to figure it out

and I don't even think we know what it is we're trying to figure out,

until we do.

Then everything sorta clicks and falls into place and you find yourself going, "Maybe that's why."

(:

Next Stop.

Sometimes, it stings to think that we might not be able to be around for each other when we're hurting most.

Sometimes, I'm afraid.

Because I will, and I do, want to fix it, make it better, make it go away, make you happy, except I can't.

Sometimes, I'm afraid, because there is something painfully familiar here. And I'm afraid of tipping balances. Afraid of it showing through, how I'm not actually enough, and all the thoughts I'm thinking in relation to that.

Mostly, I'm afraid.

And I hate that.

Why does it feel like this?

I don't know where you are sometimes,

and I'm not sure how this happened.

I never was good with daily planners and tongue lashing
was always better with my hands and at lip crashing

On love, sex and marriage

I've been having conversations recently-

of sex, of love, of relationships, of marriage being on the cards.

It's like this over-discussed topic that doesn't seem to get any clearer every time we talk about it, or it comes up.

I read an old post that started off with 1) a conversation I had with someone I was seeing at the time and 2) a song I'd written.

And when I read that old post just now, I thought, "Hey, there's so much clarity here."

I realize I'm still pretty much the same person. And I'm grateful for that.

In random order, these are things that've come up

1) Different Default Settings

This was an eye-opening conversation.

I realized just how much expectation I project onto others, just because of what I've been through. I seem less tolerant of people who are particularly clingy/emotionally attached because they've started sleeping together. Simply because I acknowledge the difference between a) being into someone and therefore sleeping with them Versus b) being into someone because you've been sleeping with them.

But someone pointed out to me that in the same way that I don't like how it's expected of me to do/feel X, Y and Z because we've slept together, it's not fair to expect the other person to not do/feel as such.

2) Pushing The Envelope

So Guy A was talking about sleeping with Girl B.

He went on, in graphic detail, about how Girl B was often uncomfortable with what he did/ was doing in bed. And in their most recent encounter, Girl B kept physically stopping him from whatever it was he was trying to do, except he did it anyway. And she made a huge fuss (according to him) and said, "Why do you always have to push my envelope?"

His argument is, that it's a self-centered thing for her to have said. That maybe, that's what gets him and he wants to do that. That it isn't about her and pushing her envelope. That a week ago, she was iffy about him doing things that now she's perfectly fine with.

Here's my take: Fuck Off.

I think it's self-centred for You to think that it's self-centred. Not everyone's up for the same kind of thing, and I personally, very strongly believe that you need to respect that. I honestly feel sorry for Girl B. A little bit. Because I also figure, if she didn't/doesn't want her envelope pushed, then she wouldn't be back.

But it's funny-

this is precisely what I've talked about before. This is what I cannot stand- that a lot of guys get pissed off if a girl doesn't want to do certain things in bed.

Like someone else at the table that night pointed out, sex is giving yourself to another person. There's no way around it. And a lot of people give 80% of themselves. But when you go all out, and give all of you, there is such liberation. Now I don't doubt that. But shouldn't that giving of themselves completely, that going all out, shouldn't it be because we actually want to? Has anyone ever actually thought about that?

For crying out loud, if this person isn't up for half the things that you're up for in bed, then just stop. Stop sleeping with him/her. Don't do it and then get pissed off.

What's the point?

3) Time-out

So.

Say, you're in love with someone. Or you love someone, whichever. And you love them such that you're sleeping with them, and you don't feel like sleeping with anyone else. And you're in a relationship. And it's all fine and dandy. But then when you start scraping rocks, and you're trying to figure out what you want, and then you go on a time-out, I know technically you're allowed to and no one has any right to be upset but, how do you then go and sleep around like crazy?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I am one who understands just taking sex for what it is and liking it, and not needing it to mean anything. But if say, you're really in love with someone else, how would you do that? If you're really in love with them, and they're the only one you really want, then how do you get intimate with someone else, the moment the one you want has her back turned? Or I mean, you could be using it as a crutch, like people use drinking. I don't know.

I really am not being judgmental, and I apologize profusely if it sounds like that.

It's just an honest question, and one that's been on my mind. So I'm asking.

4) I am very happy, thank you very much.

What IS it with guys that think we all need dick in our lives?! Stop it. Stop. Just.Stop.

5) I've got a friend who's going through a breakup. Again.

Not like she's been in and out of a lot- that's the thing. It's the same guy, over and over again, for more than six years now I think. And when they're good, they're good, and when it's over, it's so fucking painful. I feel bad for her, but there isn't anything I can do.

Another friend says that she's the one who chooses to go back to him, to be perpetually stuck in this psycho-emotional nightmare of a cycle. And we can't do shit. Because this is what she wants.

And sometimes, I just look at it. I look at all of it and think, how do people do such things to the people they love. How do you hold someone for an entire night, and tell them how special they are and then fuck them over. Why do things like that happen? How does it even happen?

And why do we always find it so difficult to come away from things like that?

6) On a happier note-

I've got a couple of friends who've just gotten engaged. (The second hasn't been confirmed on Facebook yet. So I won't talk about it until I'm pretty sure. Clearly Facebook spreads the news faster hey)

But YES, engaged! whoohoo!

The first pair is Nick and Alexis. Gawd, I am SO, SO happy for them. I think they're the most adorable pair, and considering how long they've been together. They are just so aww-worthy! It's adorable.

I love being happy for people who are getting married. I don't usually. I mean, I honestly think people should think about it more carefully. It doesn't mean that you HAVE to have been together for like, five years at least or something- it doesn't work like that.

But I wish more people would see that marriage isn't the next thing on your To Do list, right after Get-High-Paying-Stable-Job and right before Have-Intelligent-Babies-With-Perfect-Eyesight.

I'm happy for Nick & Alexis, YAY THEM! ((:

_____________________________________________

I remember the first time I saw you, and then the first time I actually met you.

The first thing you said to me, the first time we went out.

"You make me do funny things," you said one day, and then you kissed me on the cheek.

You're incredibly special, and there are so many things that I feel with you that I've just, never felt before. I like it. I love you more for it sometimes, I think.

And we take our time, and take things as they come- I haven't minded that.

But there are questions I have that I don't know how to ask, or how they'll come up, or how I'll deal with the answers when they come.

ugh

Just when I thought I'd called it quits on days where I drank like a bleeding fish.

This was remarkably daft.

I want to go back to bed.

Because

The thought of you makes me smile.
And sometimes, I think, that's all I'll need.
I love you.

And wind in my ears

With a sad song on repeat,
And blood on my hands

Chlovelle

is 25 months old now.

She's adorable.

My, they grow fast don't they?

Though, I can't say I'd know.

Letters

There's a part that I want to let her into.

But I'm scared because, there's a bit too much of me in there.

From the madness of this desk

Amongst papers and spreadsheets and things I ought to be doing-

1) There are things that are bigger than you and the things you're whining about
2) He said, you always have a choice, whether or not to let things bother you.
3) Sometimes, I don't know where you guys are or how to find you, or how to get to you. I miss you guys, and I'd really like to just sit around the pool and laugh at the crazy lady that lives on the third floor.
4) I haven't been feeling like I've been enough- in a lot of ways, in various situations.
5) I'm been running out of words with people. I've been running out of words with and for myself.

I'll go running later

Dear Whoever You are

She wants to stop.

On some level, in some way, she wants to stop. Kind of. Just a little bit.

But she can't. She can't and she won't.

Because she doesn't want to. And believe me, she doesn't want to want to.

Nails digging into herself, she tried to hold tight.

Hold, hold, hold on tight as the tiny space she's in just spins and spins and spins.

A single voice, pained and desperate for answers, screams Why. But she pushes beyond that voice,

closes her eyes and tries to, just for two seconds,

be okay.

who wants to give in

Why do you always fuck things up?

"That was stupid."
"I know, leave me alone."
"No. I'm not going to. Would you like to know why? Would you?"
"No I don't actually, I don't actually want to know."
"Because you need to know how mind-numbingly stupid you are- I want to laugh at you. I've been laughing at you, and I still want to. Gawd, seriously? Did you think that would actually work? Backfired now didn't it?"
"Just lea-"
"No, no I won't just leave it. Your actions are rather after-the-fact don't you think? I'm sorry, I still can't get over how stupid you are."

It's cold in the room. She crying, or she wants to. She can't tell anymore. And she can't turn away. She wants to bite into something, channel all that she feels into something that'll hurt. But she can't move, so she just grits her teeth instead.

"I'll fix it. I'm going to fix it."
"Really now, and how do you propose you'll do that, hmmm?"
"I don't know, but I just fucking will, okay? I'm fucking going to fix it."
"You'd better. You're running out of time little girl. You're running out of time."

What's the matter Mary Jane?

Vile, repulsive,

weak.

Who wants to give in

who wants to give in

Who wants to give in.

Somehow you have shattered my defence

You're perfect
You make me smile, make me whole,
Keep me safe, girl with you, I'm home.
You,
You're perfect

It's the things you do, that make me fall hard for you.

Can't do anything right now can I?

But I have this, and this is me.
And it is control.

I love how people figure they know how much or how little you feel. How it is so fucking easy to look at all the things I'm not doing as opposed to the things I actually am.
How it's just always easier to disregard how people feel or what people need.

How I'm always in the wrong, I'm always doing something that's wrong or not good enough or that could be/ could've been better.
How I'm just wrong. All wrong, period.

It's okay, you'll only disappear

"Why're you doing this?" She asks nervously. She's afraid, afraid of this side that she's never actually seen before. She's fucking petrified.
"Because I need to, don't you understand?" Comes the reply, "because I have to, I must. Because I'm scared too but this is control."
"Do you want to stop?" She takes a deep breath, trying desperately to look the other in the eye. She can't though, so she let's her gaze slide away from the brown eyes that hold her and focuses on a collar bone. "Because," she takes another deep breath, "because it hurts. It's starting to hurt. Please?" Her eyes are pleading, her fingernails digging into the palm of her hands.

"I can't." The other says simply.

yours to have

This is gonna hurt if it ever ends
But somehow you have shattered my defense
This is gonna hurt if it ever starts
So promise you'll be careful with my heart

Barely inches out of reach

Two, this month.

And all I'm feeling is this feeling

That I finally got it right.

So the long weekend spent away from home drew to a close. Fell asleep before two, and switched my alarm clock off at five knowing that hers would go off in another 45minutes.

We had breakfast a little past half six in the morning. I like it- waking up early just for breakfast.
I suppose if everything went on forever then there wouldn't ever be things to look forward to. And anticipation does often make things more interesting. So yeah, it's a wee bit of a bummer but then, there's always things to look forward to. I happen to think I'm a pretty damn lucky girl(:

A pezzi

quite a few good morning Beautiful days this weekend(:

Good morning beautiful, how was your night?
Mine was wonderful with you by my side
And when I open my eyes and see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I'll never worry if it's raining outside
'Cause in here with you girl, the sun always shines

Good morning beautiful, how was your night?
Mine was wonderful with you by my side
And when I open my eyes and see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

A good morning beautiful day

I could spend a while

Just falling asleep. Curling up and just, just falling asleep with you. Or sitting in front of the telly, or in parks, or by water.

I think what I love about you is how, all these simple, quiet, activities that'd I'd do alone becomes, well, special when it's with you.
The normal-ness of it all, the quiet contentment- that's what you make me feel. That's what you bring to all these little things we find ourselves doing together.
That's how I've figured I'm rather in love with you.