Saturday, May 14, 2011

On love, sex and marriage

I've been having conversations recently-
of sex, of love, of relationships, of marriage being on the cards.
It's like this over-discussed topic that doesn't seem to get any clearer every time we talk about it, or it comes up.

I read an old post that started off with 1) a conversation I had with someone I was seeing at the time and 2) a song I'd written.
And when I read that old post just now, I thought, "Hey, there's so much clarity here."
I realize I'm still pretty much the same person. And I'm grateful for that.

In random order, these are things that've come up

1) Different Default Settings
This was an eye-opening conversation.
I realized just how much expectation I project onto others, just because of what I've been through. I seem less tolerant of people who are particularly clingy/emotionally attached because they've started sleeping together. Simply because I acknowledge the difference between a) being into someone and therefore sleeping with them Versus b) being into someone because you've been sleeping with them.
But someone pointed out to me that in the same way that I don't like how it's expected of me to do/feel X, Y and Z because we've slept together, it's not fair to expect the other person to not do/feel as such.

2) Pushing The Envelope
So Guy A was talking about sleeping with Girl B.
He went on, in graphic detail, about how Girl B was often uncomfortable with what he did/ was doing in bed. And in their most recent encounter, Girl B kept physically stopping him from whatever it was he was trying to do, except he did it anyway. And she made a huge fuss (according to him) and said, "Why do you always have to push my envelope?"
His argument is, that it's a self-centered thing for her to have said. That maybe, that's what gets him and he wants to do that. That it isn't about her and pushing her envelope. That a week ago, she was iffy about him doing things that now she's perfectly fine with.
Here's my take: Fuck Off.
I think it's self-centred for You to think that it's self-centred. Not everyone's up for the same kind of thing, and I personally, very strongly believe that you need to respect that. I honestly feel sorry for Girl B. A little bit. Because I also figure, if she didn't/doesn't want her envelope pushed, then she wouldn't be back.
But it's funny-
this is precisely what I've talked about before. This is what I cannot stand- that a lot of guys get pissed off if a girl doesn't want to do certain things in bed.
Like someone else at the table that night pointed out, sex is giving yourself to another person. There's no way around it. And a lot of people give 80% of themselves. But when you go all out, and give all of you, there is such liberation. Now I don't doubt that. But shouldn't that giving of themselves completely, that going all out, shouldn't it be because we actually want to? Has anyone ever actually thought about that?
For crying out loud, if this person isn't up for half the things that you're up for in bed, then just stop. Stop sleeping with him/her. Don't do it and then get pissed off.
What's the point?

3) Time-out
Say, you're in love with someone. Or you love someone, whichever. And you love them such that you're sleeping with them, and you don't feel like sleeping with anyone else. And you're in a relationship. And it's all fine and dandy. But then when you start scraping rocks, and you're trying to figure out what you want, and then you go on a time-out, I know technically you're allowed to and no one has any right to be upset but, how do you then go and sleep around like crazy?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I am one who understands just taking sex for what it is and liking it, and not needing it to mean anything. But if say, you're really in love with someone else, how would you do that? If you're really in love with them, and they're the only one you really want, then how do you get intimate with someone else, the moment the one you want has her back turned? Or I mean, you could be using it as a crutch, like people use drinking. I don't know.
I really am not being judgmental, and I apologize profusely if it sounds like that.
It's just an honest question, and one that's been on my mind. So I'm asking.

4) I am very happy, thank you very much.
What IS it with guys that think we all need dick in our lives?! Stop it. Stop. Just.Stop.

5) I've got a friend who's going through a breakup. Again.
Not like she's been in and out of a lot- that's the thing. It's the same guy, over and over again, for more than six years now I think. And when they're good, they're good, and when it's over, it's so fucking painful. I feel bad for her, but there isn't anything I can do.
Another friend says that she's the one who chooses to go back to him, to be perpetually stuck in this psycho-emotional nightmare of a cycle. And we can't do shit. Because this is what she wants.
And sometimes, I just look at it. I look at all of it and think, how do people do such things to the people they love. How do you hold someone for an entire night, and tell them how special they are and then fuck them over. Why do things like that happen? How does it even happen?
And why do we always find it so difficult to come away from things like that?

6) On a happier note-
I've got a couple of friends who've just gotten engaged. (The second hasn't been confirmed on Facebook yet. So I won't talk about it until I'm pretty sure. Clearly Facebook spreads the news faster hey)
But YES, engaged! whoohoo!
The first pair is Nick and Alexis. Gawd, I am SO, SO happy for them. I think they're the most adorable pair, and considering how long they've been together. They are just so aww-worthy! It's adorable.
I love being happy for people who are getting married. I don't usually. I mean, I honestly think people should think about it more carefully. It doesn't mean that you HAVE to have been together for like, five years at least or something- it doesn't work like that.
But I wish more people would see that marriage isn't the next thing on your To Do list, right after Get-High-Paying-Stable-Job and right before Have-Intelligent-Babies-With-Perfect-Eyesight.

I'm happy for Nick & Alexis, YAY THEM! ((:


I remember the first time I saw you, and then the first time I actually met you.
The first thing you said to me, the first time we went out.
"You make me do funny things," you said one day, and then you kissed me on the cheek.
You're incredibly special, and there are so many things that I feel with you that I've just, never felt before. I like it. I love you more for it sometimes, I think.
And we take our time, and take things as they come- I haven't minded that.
But there are questions I have that I don't know how to ask, or how they'll come up, or how I'll deal with the answers when they come.

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