Friday, January 29, 2010


Even though it's only been a week.

I usually still turn up, even if I were a wee bit ill, but I was so out of it this week that going to work was a bit of a challenge.
So my three/four days of training that I was supposed to go for this week had to be missed, thanks to this darn flu.
I'm supposed to be back at it today, but honest to God, I don't think I can because my chest is aching from blowing my nose too much and I'm still feverish.
EURGH. I hate this!

On the other hand though, the week hasn't been a complete waste because I have managed to get quite a few things done.

-My first Western Civilization assignment, for one. (Although sometimes the problem is that I get so pleased with my self-discipline that I take a three week break)

-That as well as having FINALLYYYYYYYY sent in a few pictures to James after promising to do it within the week. I am disgusting. (since you read this sometimes James, i'm so so so soooo sorry!)

-I also managed to get a nice 2 and a half hour chat with Justin who is miles away,
fit in two auditions (but then the same person was casting for two different things anyway)
and squeeze in two rehearsals before Sunday's performance.

-Lets see. I've also managed to drop 2.5 lbs!

-aaaaaaand, on Monday, when I was sick as a dog, I managed to help Victoria out with her test shoot. Side note: I absolutely looooove working with her cos she's really cute and funny!

-I also finished an entire Huge bottle of Nin jom Pei Pa Kao(that awesome cough syrup thing that I swear by!) within the week, when I bought it on Sunday!

-PLUS, I had a very nice chat with Bird about our next tattoo appointment. I'm just getting two now, instead of three because mommy finds tattooing her name on my ankle would be tacky. And well, it is her name after all! She's sooooo cute and understanding though! She couldn't bring herself to tell me that she thought it was tacky and when she did I was like, "okay, it's alright I won't get it then(:" and she has this pretty smile and she goes, "aww, thank you darling"

And then today, I'll be heading down to renew two of my modules. Serves me darn well right for procrastinating. Chemistry. ugh.
I really wanted to go for Muay Thai dammit! But if I go I'll just pass out.

Okay, rant over!
I was just going over my completed To Do list for the week to make me feel better.

Outstanding To Dos:
1) Send Chris Lee the rough recording of the songs for the mini musical
2) Bathe the furry children
3) Fill out PV and send it in.
4) Finish 2nd Western Civilization assignment (it's not like you've got Muay Thai today anyway Charis)

Muay Thai Gym, I really really miss you):
I looked up Muay Thai Gyms in LA, and there's one that I might just go for, but you know. IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME! ARGH.
The only thing I have left from Muay Thai a weeks ago is the huge bruise on my shin. And blue-green isn't really my colour.

okie doke, off to do something productive!

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I wish I knew you like they did.
You sound so beautiful, and I imagine you were, moreso even.
If I knew you personally, I'd have flown 2000 miles just to see you too.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

See you soon

So I just got off a two and a half hr, half verbal half non-verbal msn chat with Justin. The non-verbal half being myself.

He's got a lovely view from his window, and it looks much nicer than well, the view from my window. Well my window itself kind of looks so depressing you don't even want to go anywhere near the window.
It's funny how it seems like it's been a while when it really hasn't been that long,
and I do miss him already.
On the other hand, it's nice to know that I probably will see him again. Eventually.
In a few years or so.

Bringing me to this:

The other day, Bird talked about not knowing when you'll next see that person again. You know, when they leave.
And it's funny. Because we really don't know.

Like, the last time I saw Ann na, it was through Dory's front gate at her 18th birthday. I think I managed a wave, and she waved back.
That was well, more than a year ago. I'd bought her a present from the States and kicked myself for not bringing it to give her.

I've never seen Ann na since, and I never knew that last time, would quite likely be the last time I'd see her.

Or like Homer. I love Homer to bits and I've felt so shitty about us being so irregular with taking him out. The last time I took him out, I was with Vicky. And he was such an absolute darling that day. Very well behaved, running to me when I called him, coming out of the bushes when I said no.
When I returned him, I even picked out the days i'd come by the following week.

I honestly didn't think that it'd be the last time I'd see him.
Two months short of three years with him, it feels a bit strange. I suppose I could go by any time I'd like, just to say hi, just to give him a treat.
Won't be the same though.

I guess, when you're right in the middle of something, like in the middle of a relationship or in the thick of a friendship that's so strong, you cannot fathom the idea that one day, you might not have anything to talk about anymore, much less that one half might actively want to remove themselves from you.

It's painful, knowing this.
But c'est la vie, oui?

And then, let's just be honest. Some people, when they leave, you just don't miss them.
Why? Because you weren't close to them or anything.
I see it on Facebook all the time. People saying they're moving or that they're headed off to Aussie or something to study and then SUDDENLY you have massive amounts of people writing on their wall saying,
Don't say that.
Why not?
Because it's not true.

You guys were probably in contact for like, three days out of the 365 an one out of the three was an accident.
Just don't say it if it's not true man.

But oh, whatevs.
There's a lot to do and a lot more to think about now.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

On the way out, remember to flash your boobs and raise your third finger

So here's the deal.
I don't care anymore, I just don't. And it, you, this, that, everything, it makes me laugh. It makes me literally break into a smile and then guffaws because I realize that I don't give two hoots about what's left.

Justin mentioned, just before leaving, that he got the sense he had inadvertently pissed some people off. And I'm starting on that too. Not anymore deliberate than him either.
But it's funny because, and when I say this I'm talking about distant people, I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered to be nice and apologize and make sure I leave this really nice impression of myself upon you.
Because honestly speaking, I don't give a flying fuck.

Some I don't know from Adam, and some I do/did know and then we're just worlds apart now. But all that doesn't matter because there's this insane sense of carelessness.
In fact, I wanted to say, "It was a joke, shame most of it went over your head. But I shouldn't be surprised now."
I mean, that's how much I don't care!
And what would usually have annoyed me and sparked of a rant filled with more annoyance and frustration just has me shaking my head and smiling.
Because you are funny, funny people.

It's alright for you to pull YouTube vids off the net and criticize and laugh and pass it around. But when people start doing it to you, it's not okay.
It's alright for you guys to kick up a fuss about Ris Low and her bad English, when in fact, YOU SPEAK EXACTLY LIKE HER AND THEREFORE SHE IS A PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF YOU. And then what you pass off as "jokes" (aka your boomz and your shingz) go on for so bloody long that dinosaurs came back to earth and then shot themselves in the face.

You are funny, funny people.

And I don't care anymore. Not about offending anyone, not about grovelling and pacifying you. Of course I'm not burning my bridges, that's not it. It's just that for some reason, I can't really be bothered.
I laugh at you.

I'm not kidding.
In the middle of the day I want to stop in the middle of the road, point at random people and just burst into crazy laughter. It's quite liberating, mind you.
I want to laugh at the people standing in front of an empty seat on a crowded bus and thinking that they are considerate. I want to laugh at the women slouching and sticking their sex tummies out at the world while they drag their feet, clad in slip-on kitten heels that don't fit, making their toes SQUDGE out the front of their shoes.
I want to laugh at the pompous prick over the counter who's telling me what to do.
I want to laugh, laugh, laugh.

Yes, the holidays will happen. The reunions, the pictures, the goodbye dinners. But with people that matter. With people that get it.
With people that can laugh at themselves, can laugh at me and with me.
The people that I keep in touch with, they're so incredibly worth it. And I care about them immensely.

But you, person who I'm not close to, person who doesn't understand, who cannot take what she can give. Person who I barely know. Person who I once knew and then just promptly ran of things to say.
My sincerest apologies,
but it's just that I cannot find it in myself,
to summon the energy to give a flying fuck.

and the home of the brave

So I pulled my feverish self slowly and carefully out of bed this morning and made the dangerous, wobbly and unsteady trek to the bathroom. After stuffing my face with non-drowsy meds and showering, I crawled back into my room wondering if it'd be too much to ask Ross if we could possibly combine classes today.
Not so that she could take over my class but so that I could facillitate without having to talk.
I figured it'd be a bit unfair on her and resigned myself to the possibility of passing out in front of twenty children.

Then at 7.30am, right before yanking my top on, I got a text from Ross saying that there weren't Kranji classes this week.
Today, I am free.

God just amazes me like that.

But since Kirsten (the new computer that I've got on loan from Veektor) was already on, because I'd double, triple-checked schedules, I ended up replying Justin's email and having a quick breakfast with Mommy.

It's a good day today, besides being so sick, simply because of how it started.
Two phonecalls made my day.
So many things are falling through and I feel like I just need to start packing already, even though I honestly ought to be more focused on finishing subjects instead.

Back to being ill, I've slept, I've woken, I've taken meds and my temperature is NOT dropping. In fact it actually feels worse right now. I literally feel like I might collapse and there's just so much that I have to do this week.

I loved our little dinner thing for D's birthday last night, and as I looked at all our godawful warped pictures that actually can pass as quite cute, I realized that we hadn't had any alcohol to go along with it. I think D had a beer while waiting the 120430 0000434 years for us but that probably wasn't very much anyway.
So wow, birthdays without alcohol? Birthdays spent smearing cake on our faces and looking at skank dot com pictures?
Maybe we are growing up after all. And there's something just a tad bit sad about that now.

Monday, January 25, 2010


My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

--Barlow Girl, Surrender

You've made it all so beautiful, so unimaginably beautiful. And You've created such an insane longing that I get ahead of myself, with all my plans, my dreams, and a wallet of determination.

Now I suddenly find my priorities, my perspectives, messing themselves up. I grapple with this unfamiliar feeling of not knowing where I am going, and I cry.
I cry and I try to sit down and put it all together again, only to have it refuse to fit.

And then, weary, exhausted and on the brink of despair, I find You.
I always find You, even when I haven't been looking.
And You calm me. You fill me with such an immense peace that I smile to myself on the train, I look out at people hurrying and for the first time in my life, I feel okay to not really know what is going to happen next.

I thought that the point of this transitional period, was to get out of it and know where I'm going. To find my direction and start going for it.
And for the first few days I was just filled with exasperation and frustration at what was left of me. I hated not knowing, I hated not being able to plan it down to the T.
But right in the middle of it, You opened up my clenched fist, and waited.

And I gave, I will give, and I will keep giving.
Letting go of this, of all of this, feels like the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Ever.
Because my dreams are me.
But I know now, for the first time in my life, the feeling of letting go and knowing, knowing, just knowing, that it's in Your hands. Knowing that You are the only one in the world who will not fail me. Knowing that my plans are safe with You, that I am safe with you.

This doesn't mean that I don't know where I'm going anymore or that I don't know what I want.
I know what I want for sure, it's just about how I'm going to get there.
And even after those first few days, even after praying, I still thought I had to sort all of that out.
But I see now that I don't.
Because I truly feel like He's sorting everything out for me.
I know where I'm going, and I am excited. The only thing I don't have anymore, is the worry of how I am going to get there.
Because He is there, and He will be there, every single step of the way.
And if He says step out on the water, I will fix my eyes on Him, and I will go.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

New York, New York

You know, I'm actually seriously considering studying in New York for a little while. Not live there, I don't think I could take living there (but I don't speak from experience though),
but maybe just study there for a bit.
And you know what?
Wednesday One-liners like these make me reeeeeeaaaaally want to even more!

Acting professor: Act as if you're fascinated by what they're saying, while thinking about something else. That's what boys learn to do when they get married.


"Why are you still here?" I ask Charis, over and over and over again

Young guy, yelling: I don't give a fuck what you think, I'll play my music as loud as I want!
Old lady, yelling: Well, you do whatever you want, you just keep it away from me! I'm with the Lord. I've got the love of Christ in my heart, you fucking faggot!



Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.

--Columbia University

Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts... Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"

--BX12 Bus

this last one above, could honestly work on a tee. damn, i ought to get it printed or something:D

Little boy, throwing tantrum in the street: Dad, my feet hurt. I can't walk anymore!
Dad: Yeah, well, my testicles hurt. Come on!

--Times Square

Reader Poll: Should Meth Be Required for Tourists?

13-year-old brunette to tourists: Argh! Move!
13-year-old redhead: These people need to learn the ethics of jaywalking.

--Times Square

yeah they probably should make it a requirement. It'd make more sense in any case, you get to enjoy New York more!

Peace out y'all

Please, for the love of God!


This is San Francisco.
San Francisco is a fantastically awesome place, with really nice people but massive crowds.
It feels like you really could walk to anywhere from anywhere sometimes, it does.
And it's all pretty with lovely lights and balcony stairs.

It buzzes with this gorgeous vibe of arts, contentment and general happiness. People stand around yelling REPENT for three hours straight and people in wheelchairs sit by the roadside with a cat in their laps.

People always hate me for being all prissy all the time, but seriously, I do not, and i mean DO NOT understand why people in Singapore call San Francisco "San Fran".
No one ever calls it San Fran!

It's like, you guys went there, got excited and thought you'd be really cool and show off how much you know the place by giving it a nickname that no one ever uses! And then it's spread like aaaall over the place and lots of people here talk about "San Fran this" and "San Fran that"
Fuck balls.

When I leave I ought to come up with some snazzy-but-not-really nickname that will catch on, and have lots of people saying it. Then you'll know how annoying it is.

ugh. If you don't know what locals call it, then don't make up a random nickname.
Yes, I told my daddy off once for calling it San Fran. I sort of grimaced, and spazzed and then said, "I think you mean San Francisco."

Where'd you get the idea of calling San Francisco "San Fran" anyway.
annoying much.
I'm trying to remember if I've ever heard locals call it San Fran, and I think I heard someone in LA say that ONCE, but he's chink and he corrected himself.

Ok lar, maybe it's not your fault. But please stop anyway, because it's quite annoying.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

No more wishing

The first breath of fresh air I take in upon arrival, the smells, the sounds. The everything that makes me feel like I was meant to be here.

I don't revisit my old pictures all the time. Because I don't want to start missing it too much. I often think that if I don't miss it so much, then it'll be easier to walk around.
But it's one of those days and I'm looking back at the pictures I'd forgotten I'd taken while I was there.
On one hand I'm happy that it's just a matter of time. On the other hand, I'm afraid of myself because I'm getting so impatient. And I need to remind myself that everything will fall into place in its own time.

I know sometimes I talk about it too much, but maybe you'll see just how incredibly beautiful this place is and how insanely in love with it I am.
And when I think about being happy as a day-to-day thing, I think about waking up here and burying my nose in the duvet that smells of my life.

And mind you, all these pictures i took weren't exactly with the best of cameras either.
It's like the overwhelming beauty of everything makes the photographs look like they were taken with a decent camera.

Oh gosh, I miss it so much. I can't wait to go now.

And there'll be no more Last Sunsets in San Gabriel for me.

Perhaps a quick "Goodnight" would have sufficed

Personally, I find it hilarious, how it's so easy for people to point fingers.
It's so easy for people to say "But you, But you, But you" and completely disregard,
and I would use the word disregard, the fact that everyone has shortcomings including yourself.

It's funny because in terms of what I do, I've always been pretty single-minded and clear with my intentions. And I've always involved the people who are close to me about my plans.
Clearly, despite it being done probono, my recent project was worth doing.
And Thank God for that.

Because it was my trigger point for this state of transition that I am currently in.
This inbetween of life scheduling.
I'd like to talk to you about it, but it's just a tad difficult when I don't have it all sorted out myself.

It's funny because you talked about weighing stuff out. Have I ever not done that?
Because the last I remember, even before I started on the shoot, I had weighed it out clearly.
I didn't completely disregard my need for rest either, mind you. It just so happened that last week was an insanely hectic week with two very seperate things that were happening or was about to happen.

It's funny, also, because I've talked about this with you before. In detail. When I thought you were listening.
That my family means the world to me and that I will always make time for my family. I suppose all I can say is that I am sorry that you don't seem to believe what I have said, or anything that I had said in that discussion at all.

It's funny, because I've had an completely full day of work, had dinner and then come home. Tired, but satisfied because I had some, just some, of the confusion in my head cleared up.
Did I want to tell you? Yes.
Did I get to? No.

Because while I was doing what we take for granted in our family (something that never happens in any other family that I know of personally),
that is, updating each other on our schedules and when we can have family time,
the focus shifted to something that was of minimal importance.
It was a side note, a digression. A "random thing that might happen at the end of the month thing".

And it has resulted in this.

You ask me why I'm so defensive, although clearly you are tired and just as defensive (albeit for different reasons).
Never mind that, because I figured you were tired. Then I tried to talk to you about what's happening, what's going on and when we can have quality time. And then you snapped and had this whole moment that just left me staring at you with my mouth open. Literally.
And that's when I got defensive.
Wouldn't you have to? When all you were trying to do is be inclusive, match timings, update each other. Instead of looking at what I was really trying to do/ talk about, your focus shifted to the down points of the conversation. That is, the dates I was blocking out.
Maybe because we're fresh from a period of not really seeing each other.

But it isn't fair for you to imply that you guys are not important.

Last night I wanted so badly to be home to have dinner with you guys. And I did.
But you were busy with work.
I'm not rubbing it in. I'm pointing it out because, when you apologized, yes sure I was a bit disappointed but work is work after all. And I'm not holding it against you and I never will. It is an issue that has been dropped.
It just so happens that the next free date I have, you're busy.
It's no one's fault, do you not see? We can and we will just work around it if we really want to.
But it's unfair that the next date I tentatively blocked out that is at the end of the month got held against me.
Because you might not have meant it that way but it sure came across that way.

Then there was the whole issue of trust and safety and a world of stuff we have been through before.
I struggled at that point to find the motivation you had for what you were saying. Truly, I was trying to understand. Except I didn't know if you were upset that I wasn't spending enough time with you guys or if you had a problem with me going out with people I've just met (concerns understood here).
Because if it's both, they are seperate issues and should be dealt with seperately. (you could have pointed out one as a side note)

Suddenly I literally felt like I was physically being bombarded with annoyance and frustration at me that has been built up since last Wednesday. And honestly speaking, that isn't entirely fair. I wanted to understand where you were coming from, but honest to God, it was too overwhelming for me.

Because, if I had the chance to talk to you, I'd tell you about what an important transition I feel like I'm going through right now. I'd tell you about all the issues I've revisited over the last week and how it's triggered this insanity, all contained in my brain. I'd tell you how close I am to the point of breaking down. How I feel like crying, not because I'm sad, but because I need to cry.

You've got your own commitments as well. And I, we, don't throw it in your face and demand you get your priorities straight. Why? Because we trust that we are still your top priority.
Even when you work late the first night in a week that I'm home for dinner.
Even when you don't take the day off work when I'm ill but you take the day off work for an emergency tuition lesson (this happened years ago.)
It is not an issue.

But right now I feel like you are telling me straight out, that I don't have my priorities straight and that everyone else is more important to me than you guys. And I keep hearing that after particularly taxing and long-houred periods, albeit short term.

So I'm writing this.
Because it is all I can do.
Because I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I need to constantly prove that you guys, that you, really are that important to me.

You are not wrong, please understand. I'm not saying you are wrong. And no one is at fault.
What I'm trying to say with this is that,
we'll always work around each other. We will make time for each other. It will happen because we want it to happen and not because you're forcing out a minimum amount of Family Time a week.
I'm also trying to say that it hurts.

It hurts like a sodding bitch when I feel like I'm being accused of not making time because I happened to have a meeting on a day that you were free. And at the same time, I had to swallow the disappointment I had when I realized you weren't free at the last minute when I was around.

It hurts because, believe it or not I am trying.
And honest to God, it's not that I need you to see that I'm trying, it's just painful to realize that you think I'm not trying and that you think you guys aren't important.

Yes it is difficult, but compared to families who do not say two words to each other for weeks at a time, I think the time we spend sorting out our schedules to match each other is precious.
But we can't do that if we're pointing out how the other isn't free on this day and the other without looking down at our own schedule books and thinking about the dates we aren't free either.

You are precious. My family is precious. And My time with you guys is precious.

But truly, I am tired of feeling like I need to explain myself and prove to you guys that I have time set aside.
I am tired of feeling frustrated with myself for not always having schedules that match.
I am tired of being honest and clear and then being told off for it. Or having an entire close-to-blow-up happen, just because.

I am tired of myself.

But most of all,
I am tired, so impossibly, ineffably tired,
of not being enough.

for anyone. not even myself.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

In Transit

It's messy and sure as fuck difficult. But a lot of the things that I managed to talk about today, that I managed to say out loud to myself brought me close to tears.

This realization that what was originally a "I would like to" has now become a desperate need. A need so intense that I literally feel like I might die without it.
So intense that I want to jump into it right now.

Suddenly all the things that I have written down in such insane detail, it doesn't feel like anything. Anything at all.
And honest to God, I want to drop it, stop it, freeze.
Because there's so much more that I realize I need.
So many things just waiting to be experienced.

I am not there.
And I want to be.

The five year plan, c'mon, really?
I don't want that bloody five year plan anymore, I don't.
Because while it was important for me to have children early a while ago, it suddenly takes a backseat.

I don't want to quench this thirst, I want be absolutely saturated.
It wouldn't have been enough for me, it won't. Five years? Five years?
I don't want to stop,
and I haven't even begun.

I know the direction, and I think I'm clear about the path. I know what I want in the end, and I know what I want right now.
It'll just take a while to plan it out, and then go for it.

It never did make sense that I put the stable in front of the unstable.
Because it isn't me.
So why shouldn't I just drop it all, and go for it now?

"So," she says rolling her eyes, and taking a deep breath, "What then, do you think you can possibly do seven days a week, forever and ever?"
"This," she realizes, startling herself.
"I could do this forever."

Monday, January 11, 2010

believe me, for I truly am apologetic.

My eyes are tired now, my vision's starting to blur.
Every second thing annoys me and I feel like screaming, pointing a finger and saying,
"You Singaporean!" - the best insult I know.

But it won't make sense to them, and it wouldn't make a difference.
Sometimes my intolerance and my furstration that has built up in the last sixteen years makes me mean and particularly harsh towards the locals here.
Sometimes I feel bad.

Because they're just as human as I am and everyone has their flaws.

My bestest friends in the world are Singaporean and they're nothing like the people I talk or blog about. I would hate me if I were them, because actually, I'm really no better.

It is one thing to criticize their rigid education system, or to point out flaws in the way they raise their people, but it is entirely a different matter for me to project that onto everything else that is well, Singapore.
You don't go into China and yell in their faces for spitting on the floor. It is their culture, and you chose to go there.
You don't go into the UK and get pissing mad because the roads are wet and slippery.
You don't go to Malaysia and complain about how everyone speaks Malay.

It doesn't make sense, it just doesn't.

So. Here I am, apologizing for sometimes being particularly degrading, for being intolerant, for gagging at your smells, for living here longer than I should have and blaming you for it.

In about six and a half to seven months, I will leave and I will be happy and contented. Which isn't to say that I'm not happy and contented now. I am, it's just that I get grumpy and verbally abusive.
So I will leave, and then I will come back on holidays and trips.

And then Singapore, I will learn to appreciate you a lot more.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

why, then oh why, can't I?

"I had a bad dream last night"
"You mistake me for someone who gives a hoot, love"
"But, you're someone I can talk to."
"Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."
"I'm not! I just. Well, it's not like I can force you to listen to me, that'd be unfair."
"Exactly. Besides, you're not the only one with problems."

Besides, your life is a lot better than you make it out to be sometimes.
Really, you don't need us to keep telling you that, do you?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


It's been such an unbelievably long day!
But then I suppose it's been a while since I've been kept out of the house for more than twelve hours.

My eyes are so sore and heavy, it's unbelievable!
I am so incredibly tired!
Plus, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of date-clashing for me in the next two weeks.
I am freaking going mad.
Need to sort that out before I explode.


seven months, seven months!:D

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What did you do today?

Chinatown, Singapore

It always frustrates/annoys me that local people here are perfectly capable/prefer to play the role of bystander.

When there is an accident on the road, people on the other lane slow down.
To help? No, to take down the license plate number for 4d, to take pictures of the wreckage.
When a car breaks down in the middle of a highway, do they park their car on the road shoulder and lend a hand? No. They tut and tsk and pull out strings of Hokkien vulgarities to chuck at the poor soul.

When a schoolgirl on a bus gets felt up, and the entire bus comes to a halt to await the arrival of the police.

I've been living here for fifteen years. In this space of time, I have been felt up three times, two of them while I was in school uniform, on the public bus. The first two occassions, I reported it to the bus driver. Why?
Because that was the best I could do.
Because I was paralyzed by fear. Do you know how it feels to literally be paralyzed by shock and fear? To want to move but find yourself unable to do so?
Because, I was scared fucking shitless.
Because I was twelve, and then I was thirteen.
Because I couldn't do it alone.

Both times, when the bus came to a grinding halt and the hand brake was yanked, there was an instant buzz of noise from the commuters.
Time freezes for me then. I swear it's a half hour, hours even. It's not.
It is a matter of minutes; five, ten maybe.
The buzz of noise overlaps, builds up. The sound scape includes the angry click of cell phone buttons as people text their friends/their colleagues saying that "IT'S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE" because "I'M GOING TO BE LATE. FML TTM."
The noise, frustration, layers of sounds, builds and builds and reaches a crescendo.

"Excuse me," the most frustrated of the lot says, pushing his way to the front. The rest inwardly applaud the man. "HOW COME WE STOP FOR SO LONG."
"The police coming now." The bus driver would say, just as annoyed."
"Why! what happened?"
"Girl got molested."
"Aiyoh, then like that you have to tell us you know. You have to let us off the bus otherwise we will be late for work. you cannot do this, it is not right. PEOPLE HAVE TO WORK YOU KNOW."

and people also have a right to doze off without getting their thighs groped. People have a right to some sort of justice. Thirteen year old school girls have a right to PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING EYEBALL FOR YOUR BLATANT DISREGARD, INCONSIDERATION AND YOUR LOVE FOR YOURSELF.

Did I ask to get felt up? No.
Did I ask the police to take half a million years to come? No.
Did I ask to deliberately hold everyone up because I hate your guts? No.

But you see, the people in this country, and I don't give a flying fuck whether I'm making a blanket statement okay, they do not give two hoots about what has happened to YOU. As long as they can watch from a safe distance. As long as they can talk about it without it affecting their lives.
They. do. not. care.

It's not a matter of caring for your fellow countryman. For someone who proudly proclaims how she isn't from this country, I cannot complain. But it's a matter of just simply being human.

I was thirteen.
I was scared.
This was my SECOND time and I was still in shock and in a complete daze.
And all you can think about is how this is such an inconvenience.
(btw, there was a nice retired officer who stepped in. One out of twenty-five people, maybe? And only because everyone was screaming blue bloody murder.)

Some pictures surface on a public blogging forum,
they were taken during the major New Year party at Siloso
The link includes a video of the deed.

Notice how some of these pictures have managed to capture other people taking pictures.
Notice how many pictures there are.
Notice how the article talks about no one helping her.

There are so many people saying that she deserved it because she was drunk, because she was in a bikini.
Perhaps it might have been a situation avoided if say, she came for the countdown covered completely from head to toe. Because obviously, EVERONE ELSE was covered from head to toe at a BEACH PARTY.

Whatever the case, no one deserves that.

As if that weren't enough, people caught this on video, on photographs, and yet NO ONE HELPED HER. And then when this was posted up, you have locals saying that she deserved it because she was so drunk.

To anyone of you who think that, I truly hope that one day that will happen to your daughter. And then I want you to sit and watch videos of this happening to your daughter and then have people tell you that it was your daughter's fault for going out for a night of fun.

Judging from her size, even if she weren't drunk, I highly doubt she'd have been able to do anything. There were four men, all of them at least twice her size. Her knickers got yanked down, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Don't ask where the police were at this point, don't ask why no one controlled her alcohol intake.
If you were there, and bore witness to this incident,
If you were sober enough to take pictures or take a video, YOU PROBABLY ARE CAPABLE OF PUNCHING THESE PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

I hate Singaporeans (save for my friends). And I hate Singapore.
But you know what, if I saw something like this happening, Lord strike me if I don't, but I will go up and in the very least pull her away. At the most, I'd get chucked into jail for starting a fight and lose any chances of studying in the States.
But at least I'd know that I did it with good intent.

Look at those men, look at their faces.
If you can tell that she's drunk, wouldn't it make EVEN MORE SENSE to help her? Or does that not even occur to you?

And, pardon me if i'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I heard cheering when her knickers got yanked down.

You, all of you, you talk about this, you complain and you jeer and you blog and you post these pictures up after taking them.
You blame the assholes who did this.
You blame the police, who weren't around to help.

You say, "Oh it's all these Foreign Workers."
It's not, not all the time.
My first two experiences were with LOCAL CHINKS.
So you could ban aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall foreign workers at these sort of parties. All of them, who came in from Korea, China, Japan, India and, GASP, UK and US.
You could, if you believe that would help (but you probably wouldn't ban whites now would you? scoff)
But local men are just as likely to do it.
And what happens then?

You will have locals taping it down again but not doing anything else.

By taping it down, you are condoning it.
By standing by and doing nothing, you are an appreciative audience, you are condoning it.
By not helping this girl, you are just as bad as the people up there, feeling her up.
Don't you see?

And by being this sort of people, outsiders come into your country, feel up your girls and realize that you will not do anything more besides standing by to watch. What does this mean to them, then?
That they can come into your country, feel girls up blantantly and get away with murder.

Not doing anything is pretty something after all isn't it?

How, how, HOW can you stand by and have the sense to tape this/photograph this but not have the sense to punch those guys/save this girl?
You, my friend, perpetuate this problem.
There were SO MANY SHOTS, that there was clearly more to this than that thirty second clip.

And where were you?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Oh Judy Garland, you make me ever so happy.
I wish I'd been smart enough to listen to your singing over Christmas.
It just might have made Christmas a wee bit more Christmassy.

Then Billy Brown fell in love with another man

I'm excited, but it's tiring.
Being on the lookout like this.
I want to spot something impossible to look over. A price which will just have me paying for it on the spot and spending the next seven months humming to myself.

Still, I'm happy.
I get shoved on the bus, and inhale the scent of, well, Singapore,
and I just think,
"mmmm, just a wee bit more to go." (:

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tomorrow we'll wake up and find ourselves in a better place.

This is what dreams are made of

I've made plans, I'll be okay.
I just need to take that step of the edge, to know that I'll still be alive.

It makes me happy, so so happy(:

Saturday, January 2, 2010

i laugh,

at you.

set colour: transparent

You're still there.
Writing with what you think is your heart,
but is actually just your sleeve.
Feeling with what surely must be your body and soul but is really,
only an imitation of what you've pulled out of books, out of scripts, out of the dramatization of things that are actually real.

You would scoff.
And you would lower your voice, turn away from me slightly, scornfully,
and you would tell me that I do not know you.

You are right, I suppose.
I don't know you.
But then, I don't know if I really care to anyway.
And there doesn't seem to be a You to know, in any case.

You are a mosiac of cut-outs.
From magazines, romance novels, movies.
Painstakingly pieced together and held in place by anything foreign, anything that takes you away from your roots.

You are right, I don't know you and I don't know what you're capable of.
But it's a tad difficult, getting to know someone who isn't real.
And in any case, I don't care much to.
Not now.

Friday, January 1, 2010

What I want to do from here on in

Kind of like New Year Resolutions but more like a To Do list for myself.
Or like, some vague scheduling thing.
You really don't have to read it, it's more for myself than anything.

pre-list number 1) Stop looking like a drunk ho, even when you're perfectly sober

1) Wear a bra, even when slobbing around at home.
It's only a matter of time before people mistake my boobs for balls hanging low.

2) Clean makeup off properly. PROPERLY, PROPERLY, PROPERLY.

3) Pack for the move.

4) Look at visas, selling my body as well as an apartment that allows for Buttons to live there. (Hello Glenn :D)

5) Rethink selling of body.

6) Don't talk about selling body so often, it makes mommy sad.


8) Do lots of praying: for the move, for the car, for the lessons that I'll take which hopefully will not involve any hospitilization.

9) Clear out stuff, Finish all booze, don't kill the cats (let's see if we can do all three at the same time!)

10) Pick up, pack up and prep for more major projects(((:

11) Try not to die

Find Me

Dear Whoever You Are,
Find Me and have me as your beloved.
Find me,
Find me,
Find me.

-Find Me, an excerpt

In the rush of waves,
of crowds, of winter.
On empty streets with cracks in the pavements and pawprints in the cement.

If there was something, anything that you could do, to find yourself again,
would you do it?
And if it meant knocking down the pillars that hold your entire world up,
would you, still?

In the fingerprint left in a jar of night cream,
the cup of cold Earl Grey with bits of drowned shortbread,
the piece of scrap paper,
that has your name written on it,
over and over and over again.

Find me.