Saturday, December 31, 2011

Dear You,

Maybe it's much
Too early in the game
Aah, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same

What are you doing New Year's
New Year's eve?

Wonder whose arms
Will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly
Twelve o'clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You received
Aah, but in case
I stand one little chance
Here comes
The jackpot question in advance

What are you doing New Year's?
New Year's Eve?

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Cause if you hadn't found me,

So long you've been running in circles
'Round what's at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place

I would've found you

Monday, December 26, 2011

On inhale draw your hands upward,

On exhale lean your body to your right.
Drop your right arm.
Breathe breathe breathebreathebreathe.
Charis, please don't stop breathing

Rolling in three

Scene One take one. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves right now. It's like my heart's rattling about, bouncing of bones and just.

Scene One take two. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves.
But I'll pull through. Don't I always?

Game face
But I can do this, I can. I always have.

rocky roads

Jessica Savitch once said, "No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one."
And to this, I say, No. No you don't.

I have spent too long finding that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how far you have come, there is still more that you can do. There is still that much better you can be. There is still so much that you haven't achieved yet. There is still so much space between you and being enough.
I'm sure she didn't mean to say don't acknowledge your achievements. In fact, I'm sure lots of people who live by this rule don't mean to say you haven't come a long way. But constantly reaching for higher goals is not going to make one happy, not when you spend so little time being glad at what you've done and what you've got.

There's a huge difference between being unmotivated and satisfied, a huge difference between being content and settling for less. At the end of the day, isn't it about what makes you happy?
If you're not happy where you are, whether in terms of career or social life or weight, then figure out why and then do something about it. But also, learn to stop for a minute and take it all in.
It's funny, what a fine balance it is.

I guess coming from where I do, it's just painful knowing how many there are out there who hinge their self worth on their success or lack thereof.
Yea, yeah, I get it. Keep your head up, your eyes on the goal, keep pushing for more. But some people get all the way there and find they want to backtrack. Or they get all the way there and find that there's no where else to go. And what happens then? Do you stop and feel sad and unmotivated?
Sure, I mean, there's always that bit more you could've done. Always. But if it's something one lives by, I just think you end up going through life not being quite satisfied with what you have. And that's almost as bad as not being satisfied and being highly unmotivated to do anything about it.

I'm tired, mostly. Of this constant feeling like, even if you set yourself realistic finishing lines, there's always one more coming up that you could reach.

I liken all of this to my running-
I don't have a specific stop point, whether in time or in distance. In fact, to be honest, because I hardly use a jogging track, I don't bloody know how far I've run. My only gauge is time.
Whenever I say, "This is a fifteen minute run," I find that I hang on to that, resenting my run and just looking forward to the end point. And I either collapse inches away from that end point or I am cruel and say, "A little bit more. Right up to that pillar, that tree, that fire hydrant."
But on days that I have time and just say, "I'm going for a run" with no beginning or end point, I run longer, farther, sometimes faster. And I am happy.
I think that counts for more- whether that run turns out fifteen minutes or fifty. Because I didn't build myself up to let myself down. I just did what I felt like.

And a lot of times, that's actually okay.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

If I could have one wish, if I could have some say

Because you find half of yourself that is carved by expectations, society's ideas of beauty and the world and their reasons.
And then the other half of you is left floating.
Floating in a way that almost makes you uncomfortable. Floating in a way that makes you scared of the way you fall against a girl's skin and realize that her breath gives you rest.
Floating in a way that only roots you in the way it's unfamiliar- nice, but unfamiliar.

Maybe, could you just, hold me.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


am really sad tonight.
and nothing's helped, everything's just made me feel like crying. I didn't wake up too bad today you know. And I had dim sum with my family. And it was all really nice. And I ran errands. I got Christmas presents. I had dinner.
and I got to talk, a little bit. Got to, for the first time, say out loud what's been on my mind. At least the idea of it. And watch my breathe form like crystals above my bowl of ramen and dissolve and I keep talking keep talking keep talking
No, not about what I need to talk about but instead talk about what needs to be talked about and then I find I can't
why am I all wrong
and then I'm breaking but I don't break and I fix myself because I can
and I stand up and walk because I can and so we walk around picking up things that need to be picked up and I am normal and I don't understand that buzz of a feeling inside my chest and so I push it away
and we laugh about things there are to laugh at and go home
and I begin to tell you what I realize is that buzz that's grown into an incessant whirr in my chest in my ears and behind my eyes and I tell you I tell you
but we're worried about all the wrong things
and then I go outside to talk to my mother
wrong again
I'm all wrong why am I all wrong
and then I'm breaking but I don't break. I fix myself because I can
and I come back in
but I can't

and i'm breaking, breaking apart
I hate dial tones
there's so much wrong that I don't know what's wrong anymore
and I wish I wasn't so alone
I can't breathe
I can't
I'm breaking
I can't

I can't anymore
can't keep myself together
can't quell this ache that's branched out from a seed I didn't know was there
can't breathe
I just can't

diamonds in a packet

face pieced together to hide
empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul
feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls
because it doesn't break, doesn't break when it's smoke
doesn't bruise when it gives you breath
tempts you with sanity instead

and oh, these beautiful promises
wrapping themselves around your fingers, uncurling themselves in your lungs and filling you
when there isn't anymore of you left to lose
too young to find something that hurt more than falling asleep on broken glass
euphoria shaped in a name that left too many scars

you could love her. Love her as her skin starts breaking
try to save her as the wind steals away fragments
as she crumbles, laughing
screaming as she races against the world, desperate to fly

face pieced together to hide
empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul
feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls
because it doesn't break, doesn't break, doesn't break-
when it's smoke
and she cannot break, cannot break, cannot break
when she already broke

Aren't I allowed to be sad?

So I've been sad, the last couple of days. And occasionally annoyed, irritable, angry.
A lot of times though, I feel like I'm breaking.
And here's the thing-
Yes, I believe and Yes, I know my God will see me through a whole lot of things. But I'm getting tired of replies or suggestions or comments that make it sound like I don't know He's there for me or that I am saved or that anything.

This has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with the fact that I am sad as fuck and have found myself crying in bed before I fall asleep two nights in a row.
This has nothing to do with unbelief and everything to do with having a space that I cannot fill and an ache that I cannot soothe. And don't you dare tell me that God will fill this space either. God will do a lot of things for me and He has done a lot of things for me, but I'm bloody allowed to have things that I can be upset about.

Sometimes, some people feel sad and broken too okay?
So just let me feel sad and broken up and shitty.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

This is difficult since I've stopped drinking my calories but

I am uncharacteristically sad tonight.

Just like a star across my sky

Corinne Bailey Rae (and Corinne May too actually) reminds me Enqing.
Reminds me of Christmases with short hair and scarves even though I was here, and strutting about town and taking turns to pout for his camera.
Reminds me of being sixteen and free and happy and writing and a at the doorway to the world of possibilities.

And now that I'm writing about it-
Corinne May reminds of being fifteen, meeting Enqing for the first time and being comfortable and sane and safe amongst people similar to me and getting lost in the rehearsals and the singing and the being.

And you, you kept me safe, in a crazy world.

Christmas Wishlist 2011

This year, I discovered the joy of giving people shopping vouchers. Because it's safe and functional and really, really helpful! At the same time of course, upon further discussion with Bird, I realized that, even though one doesn't mean it to be, it miiiight come across insincere.
Oh Christmas.
I mean, I really love it. And I love buying presents for people, and picking it out and picking out the perfectest gift. But it almost feels like I've got a deadline! And then people ask, "Well what do you want for Christmas?" And there are things that I want but that are a)too pricey and I wouldn't (honest, swear to God) want someone to get it for me or b) it would be something that I'd like to pick up by myself/for myself. Because, I don't really need anything, y'know what I mean?

But anyway, to make lives easier!
If you'd much prefer to get me something that you know I'd want and would use, here's a list:
1)A quilt cover set-
I got my single-sized quilt from Ikea and haven't checked if Metro has any quilt-covers but I know Ikea has a couple that I like. I've got one set in shades of red and one in black and grey.
I like darker, deeper colours or just plain white with texture. I'm not a fan of flowers or lots of patterns (despite some being quite cute).

2)There's a new scent from Burberry that I've been eyeing called Burberry Body.
But this is one of those presents I'd very much rather people NOT buy for me. Honestly, please.

3) I really like notebooks with blank pages. I'm not kidding, I really do. You can keep them forever and draw and write and paste things and. I like notebooks with blank pages(:

4) Books!
You can never go wrong with good literature, right? I've actually got all the Jodi Picoult books I want, so it's probably not safe to get me any of hers.
-books on Theatre or acting- Meisner or Chekhov or Stanisvlasky's are all welcome. Plays that you've read that you think I might like. Plays by Samuel Beckett or Harold Pinter, because I haven't actually read through any of their stuff from end to end (except for Beckett's Play).
-poetry. Collections of poems, things that are a little bit off-beat. I saw a children's book the other day that I quite liked, with a collection of poems. I forgot the title though, so I'm not very helpful right now.
- I'm in love with the Guess How Much I Love You collection- but then, I've already gotten the book I like the most. Which is Guess How Much I Love You.

5) If you wanted to be more practical you could get me film for my polaroid camera. I use the creditcard sized ones that are the most common(:

6) Failing all, you could always just get me vouchers. For like Ikea (since I've just moved into this new place) or bookshops or shoe shops or places with clothes you think I'd like. I think it's really practical and nice.
Or wine. You can't go wrong with that. I'm a fan of Moscatos and Late Harvests and Medium-bodied reds with a mix of sweet and fruity flavours(:

I hope this is enough. I can't think of any more.
I'd really like to know what my friends want for Christmas though. I will go troll the internet and hope they've mistakenly left bits of information about themselves lying about.

It's August.

But no, no it's not.
Because it's almost Christmas.
And some presents aren't ours to open
When we submit the things of God to the mind of man, unbelief and religion are the results. When we submit the mind of man to the things of God, we end up with faith and a renewed mind. The mind makes a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.
-- Pastor Bill Johnson

And watch them go up in smoke

Someone, someone help me, help me to breathe. To stop this churning in my chest and this burning in my eyes. The sound of rushing waterfalls in my ears- it's too much, all of it, it's all too much now.

Maybe, maybe if you cut me open you could help stop my insides from thrashing about in fear, keep my skin from spasming as the world breathes and breathes and breathes onto me.

Go away. Won't all of it just go away?
I don't need very much.
Just a dark little corner and a box of matches.
I could make wishes with each light.
I could pretend I'm alright

Saturday, December 17, 2011


The blame game
Name names
It's the same, the same, all the same.

Too beautiful

That, that single moment when he hears his mother. Oh my word.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I'm all teary eyed-
With just a little bit of being sad and a little bit of being scared

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's almost Christmas

And still,
I can't find you

Don't, don't break.
Don't you dare


I've always been a fan of little cozy corners, tucked away nooks, fencing and gates to keep me in and safe.
When I have options, I pick corners. Actually, I either pick tiny, tiny corners or large open spaces. It's this bizarre clash in my personality- extrovert meets introvert. There isn't a happy middle, it's always a little bit of both.

And so, when moving things about in my room, I often wonder if my choice of furniture location makes me feel at all claustrophobic. It doesn't.
I seem to find a tilt that I am comfortable with; Corners for me to hide in and feel safe, while creating an illusion of space so that it doesn't feel so cloistered.

It's important for me- finding just the right degree of whatever it is. And I don't suppose my spaces are often the ones that would be deemed as having good feng shui. But hey, the space is mine.
And I am safe.
And the cat's in the cradle

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Long Journey Home

"If what you're doing is your passion, it should come like breathing. It's that natural."
-- Oprah Winfrey

It comes like breathing. It runs through me, spilling itself when I first say hello. It makes up who I am, who I've been and who I will become.
This. It's me living.

At so many points in my life there have been things that shook me, things that left me feeling like I was falling indefinitely (which is, believe me, worse than hitting the ground). And at all these points there has been something that I can turn to and lose myself in. And as I've grown up I've returned to this. Taking things in and then, using myself; whether or not there was an audience.

This is everything that I know.
When I am here, in this place, I get to close my eyes and be more honest than I could ever be in real life. It's not about putting on someone else's skin, it's not about being a professional liar.
It's about, for once, just being completely and utterly honest.
With the people in the space, with the people watching, but mostly, with yourself.

Here, I can trust myself to be. I can trust myself to think. And I can trust the person beside me to be listening and to respond just as honestly.
I am aware of all the things I don't know, and all the things I want to know. And so, I keep at it. Clawing my way through boxes, through spaces that transcend time and all the things that we think we're sure of.

I spent the whole of last month fretting. Close to tears and on the brink of insanity. Hating myself for wanting something so much.
But I suppose it'll always be like this- I'll always want this so much more than I'd feel like I deserve. Always.

Today was a surprise and my, it was pleasant.
I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm deliriously settled and relieved and yet almost bouncing about. There's so much I want to do, so much that I simply cannot wait to take in.

I've been promised of the hell that I will go through and back, of an intensity that will break me, of worlds and worlds of things and cultures and techniques that I know absolutely nothing about but then will be soaked in for three months at a time.
I have been made guarantees that I will cry, I will wish it wasn't happening and I will doubt and question my strength and ability.

And from what I already know; I know that this will open boxes. That this requires stripping a person down to nothing and finding oneself at one's most naked and vulnerable.
But I trust where I'm going, I trust these people, and most of all, I trust this.

So here I am.
And I'm saying I want to sit here and soak it all in. Soak and absorb it and be fully, completely and utterly invested in this. Bring it. Bring it all.
Fill me, break me, piece me up and build me up again.
So when I find myself spilling, when I find this seeping from my pores as my breathing catches in the dimming of the light, seconds before the curtains fall, I will look out at an audience watching with glassy eyes and bated breath and know, and know, and know, just like I always have,
that I've found my way back home.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

At this time last year

I wasn't here.

There's this sense of purpose I'm feeling start to slowly slip away from me. I'm not prompted to write very much. I just end up looking at pictures of beautiful people and going running and then coming back home, to end up eventually looking at more pictures and then going running again.
Maybe the running gives me a sense of purpose and that's why I'm leaning on it so much.

I like making my days productive.
And so far, they have been.

But I guess I miss feeling somewhat of use. Needed. And all that, you know?
This whole working backwards is a whole lot harder than I thought.

At this time last year, I knew exactly where I was.

Flutterby, she butterflies

I don't know how else to say it,
I'm still here.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Always been a sucker for little silver things

Like this-

But mostly, I need help saving up for my next tattoo. Because it feels like it's going to cost a whoooole lot. Like losing the weight for it isn't hard enough work. Pah.


Want to go running.
Right now.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


But you touch me for a little while,
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Skip, skips a beat

Everytime I get a new email on my blackberry. Oh my word. This is not in the least bit good for my soul!
I'm so scared, and I don't think I'll make the cut.

But more than anything, I want that letter, rejection or otherwise, to come now so that I can pick myself up and think about what happens next.

Hit the ground, hit the ground and run

So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Good Saturday starts

Bird just bbm-ed me and made my dayyyyyy(((:

Monday, November 14, 2011

This heart, it's spent its time missing

You hold my world,
in the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours, forever

I'll fly in a bit.
It's not that I need to be in a different country to be in touch with God. It's just that, it's always been refreshing. Endlessly so at that.
And for that, I am impossibly excited.
I can't wait.

Friday, November 11, 2011

just enough to keep me up another night

I miss you.
I really, really do. You have no idea.


I miss you.


waiting for another day

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Rabbit Hole

Howie: ...and after that we'll come home (beat)
Becca: and then what? (Beat.)
Howie: I don't know. Something though. We'll figure it out.
Becca: will we?
Howie: I think so. I think we will.
Lights fade.

-- David Lindsay-Abaire, Rabbit Hole. An excerpt

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Socially constructed ideas of beauty

I'd say the same thing to everyone else, you know.
No, I don't.

I'm going to go run now.
I like running.

Monday, November 7, 2011

When Autumn leaves

Brown eyes, like his father's
And a laugh that the wind carries,
will carry, for miles and miles.

start to fall

Walking tightropes

"Yes." My eyes searching his, trying to read him.
"No." He's starting to get angry, his eyes are just a little bit red. And me, I find myself pleading. Pleading. Why does it always feel like I'm doing that?
"Yes. Yes." I'm insistent, I'm begging now, I know it. And I'm asking, posing all these non-verbal questions to myself, to him.
"NO!" He yells at me, his eyes angry, his brow furrowed. He shakes his head at me, lowers his voice. It is firm.
"No." Firm and demanding.
I watch him. And I want to ask why. My breath, it's catching, and I'm all choked up and I'm so close to tears. "Why?" I want to say, "Why not?" But I don't. I lose myself to the space between us, to the anger that I don't understand that's seeping from his pores, to the desperation I find etched in my voice.
"Yes," I say, "Yes." Hating, detesting that desperate, desperate need I find clawing at my insides, reaching out to him.
"No," He says, his voice a harsh whisper. Except, I'm hearing him say "Please" now.
"No." And he's breaking then, he's breaking in front of me. He's breaking and then he breaks.
"Yes" I say, pulling him to me, all but physically, "Yes." I can be insistent too. I can work this for me, I can.
"No," he says again. He's so worn out now, tears filling his eyes and running in streams.
"No." It's barely above a whisper. I want to back away, I want to let him be. I want to tell him that I can't make him, I can't.
Except a voice, inches from my ear tells me I can't do that. Tells me to do otherwise. So.

"Yes," I say, "Yes."
But he's so broken and still holding on, holding on to something I can't see, fighting for something I know nothing about.
"No." And I take it in. I need to after all, take it in. Because I can't make him, I can't.
I can want to, so very much.
But I can't make him want too.



Sunday, November 6, 2011

there aren't fairytales about fat princesses

run, run, keep running.
until your chest burns and your feet are blistered and your nose is sore and your fingers are numb.
and then run some more.
run and run and run and keep on running.

the ground,
it feels a lot more solid, a lot more heavenly, a lot more steady,
when the rest of the world is spinning.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth

It's still a little hard to say,
what's going on.

So come on, courage
teach me to be shy
cos it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

Friday, November 4, 2011

Coming in late: Only girl in the world? Try the luckiest

This is the most bizarre thing- I wrote this in August. On the seventh of August actually, except for some reason, it stayed in my drafts and never got published.

I wonder if there'll come a time, when, through no fault of anyone's,
I grow used to you bringing in a cup of water before bed
and you start expecting me to pick up your toothpaste
and I figure you'll pick up the yoghurt when we're out
and you assume that I'd know better than to throw a dash of honey into something or other.

Honestly, I can't say for certain.
I can't say we won't tire of each other, that there won't be nights where I will curl up, just out of reach and that there won't be days that you don't feel like picking up my call.
But here's the funny thing, I want that with you. To hit speedbumps in the road with you; to get stuck in the middle of a highway that stretches on for ages, kick the tyre and go, "Couldn't this thing have given out AFTER we picked up the couple who was gonna be on this roadtrip with us?"

To crash into things, and throw hissy fits and make up or agree to disagree or text in the morning and say "I'm sorry".

To miss.

I wish I knew this earlier

And the thing is,
it always was supposed to have been about the trying and less about the romanticism.


Thursday, November 3, 2011


Needed to go cry.

Green Pens

So then, if you do, love me.

Can't make you love me

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

On your hook

Oh hey, remember that time when we sat in a quiet little room with carpeted floors and a cross with Jesus on the wall that faced empty pews and chairs that had held crying people together and you leaned against the back of the pew as you talked and I sat facing you, my back against the side and we knew we knew we knew there was no way that wood was going to give out beneath us and then you said that God must hate you because then you leaned forward and kissed me really quietly and my world spun and my breath caught and I thought you were magic as the heat hit my cheeks and I bit my lip while turning away.
That was a funny one, wasn't it?

And remember that time when you held me in a playground as my knees gave out while you made my skin tingle and my breath felt like it was singing and my fingers gripped old plastic and you pulled me tighter to you and remember, remember what you said?
"I've got you. Don't worry, I've got you." And your whispers felt like warm smoking promises curling themselves behind my ear and I, I loved you despite myself.
And you did have me that night, just like you've got me now and everyone knows this would be easier if you didn't but it's too late now isn't it? That's what we get for giving ourselves away and I can't say for sure that I'd have it any other way.
But remember, remember that time when-
Oh those promises, they were the funniest thing weren't they? How you've got me wrapped around your littlest finger, it's the funniest thing, isn't it?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Sink with the tide, rescue me, if you like

Maybe I'm doing this, I'm hanging on,
just for the day you might look at me the way you used to.

Like, like you want to know more.
Like, you're not tired.
Like, I might just keep your attention.
Like you look at me and you see the trainwreck but it's okay.
that you'll look at me at all.

Think how we tried,
it's okay to be lied to
as long as it's only by you

Am I not pretty enough?

Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much,
am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh,
should I try it harder?
Why do you see, right through me?

Empty Chairs

I've never needed an audience to speak, never needed readers to write. I've done whichever I feel like, when I feel like it. Honestly, I don't see why one should bother speaking if no one's listening (that is of course, not to say that you shouldn't speak just because no one's listening.) I think of recent, I've just found myself more inclined to sit outside an office that's holding a debrief I should be involved in. Or excusing myself to cuddle up with Wallaby Joe. Or even just sitting quietly behind the rows and rows of stables where no one can find me.
I feel like sitting by myself for a bit.

My point?
I've always felt most comfortable in empty dance studios, with the curtains drawn and empty theatres with the lights down.
I've always written, where I couldn't speak, and written, so that I could.
I was once told last year that it felt like I was exclusive- like I wrote so much that I didn't talk about these things that mattered.
But let's face it, people have lives to live and other things to talk about. Things they'd like opinions on, or a listening ear for. Things that matter.

"Are you going to be okay?" You asked. Well I wasn't really not okay. But to honestly answer your question, yes. Yes I'll be okay, and I wanted to say that.
Yes, I'll be okay, because when I'm not, I'll get over it or around it or sit in it until I am okay.
Yes, I'll be okay, because I can still hold on to my writings, and me.

I don't need to talk out loud about mindless things like how my nightmare stayed inside my bones even after I woke up, rattling about inside me as I walked about from place to place. And how it hurt as it rattled about, come to think of it. How I was scared, and am still scared to fall asleep again and find myself back there. How I cried so much in that nightmare that I'm sure I woke up to find my eyes brimming, but that despite having been bawling, my pillow wasn't soaked yet.
Or how I woke up dreaming I was falling into space and how I was sure it was a ride, but it wasn't, but maybe it was. And what I was most concerned about was if I'd left anything behind in the seats.

Or how today, something happened with one of the boys that stilled my insides and made me draw in a huge breath. That made me cry at dinner as I talked about it. That's left me thinking about it all day, making me more frustrated at the environment around it- because no one caught that or could hold onto that, in that moment. And I am wrapping myself around it, keeping it here and trying to hold on to it with the weight of me.
How I thought it was one of the most beautiful moments I'd ever found myself in. And how it rang with such truth that it felt like silver falling to sand and still making a sound.

Because here I am, with my words. And all my sappy little feelings. And my soul, here. And it's okay that I am here, with my words. In this space and/or spaces of the like- physical and non-physical pages.

I used to be quite silly. I used to go on and on and on about the most weightless things that my significant others cared nought for. And then I stopped and wrote more.
And then, there was you.
And often times I am confused- because, to be quite frank, there's hardly time these days to talk about, well, all these little things that like to find themselves fluttering about in my head. There's a lot of other things that are going on.
It's not that I wouldn't like to talk to you love, on the contrary, I'd very much love to, on days you felt like listening to my incessant ramblings.
I love talking with you. I'd love to talk with you.

But those days that I get to, until they come back, yes ma chérie, yes I'll be okay.
Because I've got pen and paper.
And I've got these empty chairs.

Carrots, sticks and the grey bits in between.

You can't lie to a horse. In that same respect, a horse doesn't lie to you.
Children don't lie either. They don't start off lying. Babies don't cry for the sake of crying, they cry because they need something. Somewhere along the way though, they do start. They find words that can or might mean other things, they pick up from whatever is around them, and they learn. They learn to lie.
And they learn to lie, from adults.

That's why people like good theatre. Because it's easier to watch someone else be honest in a "controlled environment" than be honest yourself, back in the real world. And we all know good actors don't lie. They aren't lying, they're being. They're letting things affect them as it happens, moment to moment. Also, you can't lie to your audience. You don't have to be in the industry to be able to see whether or not the person on stage/on film is really doing or thinking something.

I'm annoyed today. I am annoyed and drained out and empty. That's what I am, empty. Or bordering on.
Because I feel like I am suffocating, choking on everybody's empty words. Watching sticks being dangled in front of children like carrots. Except they're not. They're sticks. They are fucking sticks, okay?

And it feels like everywhere I turn, full grown adults are lying and blatantly teaching children to do the same. They're coaxing, baiting- instead of embedding seeds of thought, what they're doing is planting key words pulled straight from a textbook. Hoping, hoping, hoping, that these key words will come up, will resurface, will be used so that they can say, "Ah ha! Look at the work I've done."
I wish these people would see, that there are so many who are ready to learn. Who are sitting there, open to you, trusting you to bring them to a different place. And no, it might not be all of them; it might be the bare minimum out of the group. But those who do, want to so badly. They want to so much that they look into themselves, and they're searching and they're trying to find their words when all you want to do is give them multiple choice and cloze passages.

I turn around, and the ones who are fronting are the adults. The ones who don't trust themselves are the adults. The ones who don't trust each other are the adults. And you, you are allowed to guide these children?!
And I'm not even talking about any one person in particular here, I'm talking about an entire team. I'm talking about us.
You, we, can keep lying, but the only one buying it is ourselves.

Christ, everywhere I fucking turn, it's wave after wave of half-lies, economical truths, empty promises, meaningless words. Shut up for two seconds. Just shut the fuck up, and stop saying things if you feel like you need to say something other than what you mean.
I'm not saying I don't lie, deliberately or otherwise. I'm not saying I don't front sometimes. We all do because we're conditioned like that. And really, honestly, we're scared.
So then, we find an environment where we can break ourselves open. And in this same space, because we can, we can bring people to that same sanctuary.
So that for just a little while, there is escape from the masquerade of everyday life.
So that for just a while, you can be honest and not be wrong.
So that, for just a while, you are allowed to be no one else, other than yourself.
Here's the catch-
You can't bring someone somewhere you've never been. You can discover it together, but you can't lead and guide someone to truth that you have never known.
In other words, you need to be honest with yourself and where you've been and therefore, where you can take people.

There's a difference between a carrot and a stick. And oh, believe me, I have been fifteen and had sticks dangled in front of me. And at fifteen I was fully capable of telling the difference between a carrot and a stick.
But I'm not about to play fetch with you because honey,
I am not your bitch.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

"It's happening again, isn't it?" "I'm afraid so love, I'm afraid so."

Breakfast. That's how it started. You bought me a strawberry and cream tea because you thought Earl Grey would be too boring.
The Friday before I was due to head out of town, we were sprawled out on grass. You told me there was something about me. I spent the rest of that day by the river, sitting in the rain, with Rachel Yamagata on repeat, writing endlessly about you.

I love you.

And these days, and especially on nights like tonight, I wish desperately that I could be what you want and need. At every turn and corner. I think I used to be. I think you've told me before.
But needs and wants change all the time.

For someone who's hated fitting into moulds, I've found myself wishing for one, for you. It's painful as much as it is amusing, the thought.

There's so much to write. It's right here, right on the tip of my tongue, slipping out my fingers, but at the same time, there isn't much else I know how to say.
This is it, really. This is pretty much it, if you must know.
I just.
I don't know how, but I wish I were more what you wanted.

But I know, more than most, not to push things. To let things fall where they will.

It's half past twelve, and I've been ready for bed since quarter to ten.
I'm bordering on delirium, I want to know what to say.
I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart.

I'm falling apart.

oh, and who would've known, there'd still be bits of me left to break. oh, who would've known?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My wonderfully unhealthy lifestyle

I had the loveliest dinner in a while. I love dinners like that, honest to God.

My body however, will be massively fucked up in the most amazing ways if I lived alone. Which is a bit of a peeve sometimes. I mean, we only get one life, there should be a snippet of time where we're allowed to fuck our bodies up. Of course I say this figuring that once that happens, I'll just go fix it/fix me. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who functions like this.

If I lived alone-
I'd probably end up working out a lot, sleeping, having lots of smoked salmon and pairing that with moscato or late harvests. But then, I might also still be stuck smoking, unless it affected my working out enough to piss me off. I wouldn't have a telly, because that'd be a waste of space. I'd have too many shoes and I'd have set times to do my laundry.
I think I'd be a little bit crazy, because I'd allow myself to get there, and it'd take a lot more work than it has to be normal but it'd be a story for telling.
My, if I lived alone.

I did yoga at home this evening, and went for a run that was longer than it's been in a while but not nearly long enough as I'd like.

I miss Muay Thai a lot. And I want to go get me a pink yoga mat. Or red, seeing as that's my favourite colour. It's just, pink things are rather cute aren't they?
I'm going to sleep now, so that I can wake up and hang out with my favouritest pony in the wooooorld.
Wallaby Joe makes my mornings worth waking up for!(:

Sharp in take of breath. Cold breath

Everything in small doses, as I've learnt.

I'm obsessive, a mess and honestly want to just sit somewhere and have the space and time to just, be.

I'll run tonight and tomorrow, tomorrow I've got yoga.

I was upset

But just for a little while,
And not at you.

It used to happen a lot see.

And I never did get any better with holding on to tears despite that. It's always been a source of immense frustration, believe me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I am

And afraid

Sunday, October 23, 2011

White or otherwise

Because when you ask questions,
you don't want to think that the answer might be a lie

Saturday, October 22, 2011

All that Gatorade

And somewhere between standing in the rain, getting soaked to the skin and falling asleep in large empty fields after midday picnics,
You had me. Even before I knew it.

I suppose it all boils down to belief

Someone I know is getting married today.
This whole marriage thing y'know, it's funny.
But she's waited a while, and I hope she's happy.

And since we're on the note of sappiness and the like,
I read this on tumblr.
I've got my own things to say about it, but um, there are some people I know of who could do with this-

Long-Distance Relationships.

It’s all a test. When you’re apart, it will make you count down the days, look at your calendar, and pray that time goes by faster. When you’re together, it makes you wish time would stop, that not a second you spend with them goes to waste. It’s one of the most painful loves you can go endure. It’s one of the most rewarding loves you can achieve. It’s not for the weak of heart, but for the strong in faith. It will show how much you actually care for a person. And it will open your eyes to never take any and every moment you share with the one you love for granted. It will make you miss them every time they aren’t with you. And sometimes, the distance will break you. But, through everything, that person miles away gives you a goal. They are your reason. Because you know that no one will nearly make you as happy as they can. No matter how far they are, you know in your heart that if you love them, the waiting is worth it. It’s all a test. A test we can pass if we have patience, dedication, and most importantly, love.

by whatswithderek

Friday, October 21, 2011

Be here

Blow on a fallen eyelash,
Jinx you owe me a kiss.
I'll sing you three lullabies,
If you promise me this.

Sweet dreams

I'd do it all again-
Have you fall asleep cuddled up with me, or the other way round, on a rainy day.
Do groceries, eat junk. Heat up soup, cook you noodles that taste like shit. Maybe not the latter, I'll have to fix my cooking.
Give you back rubs, hold your hand.

I'd do it all again, even though I'd been wishing for you long before you'd even left.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


It was.

I will go to bed now

Slip up

Here's what I couldn't say-
That in that moment, all I wanted to do, was get it right. Something. and I could get this right, I could. Find a sense of normal.

Except my only problem of course, is that it turns out to be wrong.
I'm still grappling with that, to be honest.

We're in different boats in terms of handling what's happened. Anyone can see that.

And for once,
I wish I wasn't alone in this.


I've gotten it wrong, I've still gotten it wrong. And now I can't find my right, let alone left and I'm, I'm all wrong now. All wrong.
And no, we're not okay. There is fear that fills the spaces between all the words we're not saying, the words we can't find, the words we won't try to.
We're not okay. Not right now.
Actually, we seem a long way off from it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


When everything about me was new.
When I was interesting, fascinating? Yours for the unwrapping, yours to discover.
When you wanted to hear what I wanted to say and what I thought. When you'd hit the space button in the middle of a movie, to say, "Talk to me" because you always read me like a children's book. When I was the person you felt like calling after running into an estranged cousin, in the middle of a rainy afternoon.
When you wanted me.

A character told me yesterday that I intrigued him, that he wanted to talk to me more, and why don't I come sit down for a beer. He stuck a dirty orange-tipped cigarette between his lips, with no intention of lighting it and instead, fidgeted with his white lighter.
I've heard that quite a few times before, that I'm "intriguing". Intriguing, interesting, they're all the same thing after a while. And honestly, the only thing they want to do is get into your knickers. I figured that was the objective he was playing, it had to be.
He catches me by the waist when my back is to him, when I'm trying to walk away, and he asks why I don't want to fuck him.
Because I mean, I suppose that's what most men want to do to things that intrigue them, right?

I wasn't lying when I said no.

What if I told you that I don't care very much for attention unless it's yours? That I don't need to be intriguing to anyone aside from you. That you've got enough of me to break now.
That sometimes, all I want to be is anything and everything you'd ever need or want. That it makes me afraid sometimes.
That I don't know how or when, but I stopped being interesting enough, and started doing everything wrong. Even if I was lashing out in response to things completely separate from what we are. That even then, I could get it wrong.

There'll be other things that you'll find new. And it'll excite you, as new things are bound to. They'll prove interesting and fascinating where I haven't been for a while, I'm sure. They'll be beautiful in all the ways I can only try to be. And maybe they'll get to be what you need, when you need it.
So then, if, and when it's convenient ma chéri, and you want me again, then you could, y'know, maybe, want me again. And I could, maybe, be what you want.


It's a 9minute shot. A 9minute long shot, forcing you to take it all in. Take it all in, and swallow it whole- every second, every breath, every moment that makes you cringe and anticipate where the camera will focus itself on next. Except it doesn't.
And for 9minutes, that's all you're allowed to do- take it all in.

I couldn't find myself today.
That was the problem.

Funnily enough, my day itself was good. I just couldn't find myself in it. And I suppose, for the most part, I was looking.
For me that is.

So yes, tonight served as a trigger, but I'm aware that there's been something pushing at my insides with the weight of ignorance, willing my skin to break. The problem of course, is that I don't know where to start. I never know where to start. I start without knowing that I have and find myself somewhere in the middle, flailing about, waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

I wasn't crying, tonight, I wasn't desperate. I was just looking. And I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just needed to find it.

Where tonight left you, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I wish it didn't.
There's a numbing ring of familiarity to your words now. I miss a step, and am grabbing blindly now for something I can hold on to.
There isn't anything. But then, that's my fault and I'm fully aware I deserve it.
You need to know though, that you can't be a wrong or right answer. You aren't, you never were. This doesn't change it.
I wish you knew that.
I wish you didn't leave thinking less of me.
I wish I hadn't hurt you.
I wish I could explain this better. I thought I had before. I thought we'd sat in parks talking about this before we had any idea that it might have the ability to hurt more than ourselves, of the two people sitting there in that pavilion that rainy afternoon.

I wasn't trying to hurt anyone tonight.
I was just looking for something I couldn't find. Looking for something tangible, something I could hold on tight to.
I was just trying to get something right, because it's been a while.
I was just.

I couldn't find myself today.
I suppose that was the problem

Saturday, October 15, 2011

She always had sought her solace in bottles, in knives, in things that promised-

I'm like that. And I'm sorry.
No, truly, I am sorry.
I know better than anyone how it feels like to be on the other side of the telephone.

I'm sorry that I'm like that.
That the baggage I come with has Insecurity lined in some of the pockets.
That I let it come through sometimes.
That, maybe I don't carry it forth, but everytime you ask me why, I can't say it. I don't know how to. But I can tell you that clips run themselves through my head. Moment, after moment, after moment. And I tell you the gist of it, but don't know how to explain how or why, or that some part of it stays with me. Has stayed with me, since pushing itself into my veins, and making it part of who I am.
Would you like to know how it feels like?
It's numbing. You get used to it. You anticipate it.
The holding you down. The I Love Yous that will feel like knives drawing vertical lines on the inside of your arm. The creak of the door. The sound of a belt buckle clinking.

You get used to it. You know exactly what sound, comes next, which way a body will move, and how excuses will come out- variations of the last one and the one before.
Sure, the roof of your mouth will still feel like sand, and the click of the door as it closes still breathes a laugh into you. But you get used to it. I got used to it.
Then you just wait. For it to happen. For people to feel like they need to give you reasons or excuses or justifications.

I'm not like this. Not always.
And maybe it's that time of the month (I was taught to start giving it more credit), but there are these bits of me. And they surface. I'd much rather they didn't.

I've spent a lifetime fitting into moulds, or at the very least, trying my darnest to.
I can do that. I'll do that for you, if you want me to.
There are some things that I don't know how to pick my way through, I just don't.

You don't have to do this for me; Stay around, y'know?
You don't.
Not when I'm like this; Used up and broken. You don't have to.

Ignorance, she said

If blogspot had a reblog function,
I wouldn't care that where we both stand might make it weird, and that we're not even talking about the same person,
But I'd reblog that girl's words.

Because it sure is the closest thing that makes sense to me right now

I'm guessing someone was listening when I prayed

You're exactly what I need, right when I need you.
And I love you so much for that.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The space

"What do you want from this person?"
"For it; this person or feeling or whatever it is, I want it to stay."

Everytime I'm in the space (the space which transcends time and space itself and everything else), all my issues come bubbling up.

Acting is hardly as much of a performance as it is, essentially, exploration of self.
And of course, the courage to do that. Which not all of us have.

All I need

Is to come home to you at the end of my day. That's all I need, really, to come home to you, cuddle up.
And not say anything

Woes of an Actor

Here's the thing about acting, it requires so much honesty, so much truth
So much, just so much of yourself

And here's another thing-
It's not about how good you are. Well obviously if you're shit and don't know it then we've got a problem. That aside,
It's not about how good you are, it's about whether or not you're what they want/what they're looking for.

Why do actors have such insecurity, people have asked.
Because we spend so much time trying to be what someone else needs us to be. Which is funny when the key thing about acting is being yourself.

The truth is simple- that's a compound lie.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Here's the problem with wanting something, wanting something so impossibly much that you're sure it's a need, here's the problem-
When you don't get it, or you can't have it,
It's going to hurt.
And that's what I'm scared of right now.

People say they're "scared" about going for auditions all the time. They say they're scared but most times, their fear is of the performing. Of the presenting to an audience. Of giving a shitty performance.

I think what I'm most afraid of, is what happens if I don't make the cut

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Love, beauty and oh, all that jazz.

Driving away from the wreck of the day


"Oh my God, you two are so cute. You two are the epitome of a cute lesbian couple."
This is what Ethan keeps me up at night, on skype, to tell me.

They'll always find the door in the morning

And my beauty, it's always been conditional.
Always been conditional.

I think I've gotten to a point where I'm not angry or offended, I've become a bit too tired for that.
The problem though, is that it isn't water off a duck's back. I don't have feathers, for one, and definitely not the waterproof sort either. So there are a lot of words that soak through my skin and find their way inside me.
And baby, I've got poison running through my veins.
Poison running through my veins. I have for quite a fair many years now.

And in the glow of orange lamps, or sunlight (or moonlight) that's slipped through curtains, in empty stairwells and quiet parks,
where hands reach in desperate need to lay claim, where every whisper is a promise to break, where teeth sink into flesh so they can call your pain theirs-
I have been called beautiful.
Beautiful, so, so beautiful, they've said.
Leaving fingerprints where you shouldn't and stains that I wanted to burn off my skin. Beautiful, they've said.
But oh, you don't need me to believe you, just like I didn't need you to lie.

My beauty, I've always known, is conditional. Circumstantial.

"He said I had an interesting face. Me and Marilyn Monroe, we have 'interesting' faces. He laid me then, and took some pictures. Then he laid me again. Know what my interesting face was Stephen? Boredom. I kept waiting for him to wake me up."
-- Janice; A Sea Of White Horses. A monologue excerpt.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Never was one for leaning

How is it, that spending time can, at some point, end up turning into a project in itself? One that is used in relation with words like, 'effective' or 'quality' or 'proper'.
It never used to be like that.

I hate where this might end up. I wish I'd never said anything, anything at all.
Because honestly, the more I think about it, (despite already having known this) I realize again, that falling asleep together is just as much spending time as sitting and doing nothing, as drinking coffee and people-watching.
When did we stop having time for all the little things?

I wish I'd never said anything.
Because there were more important things we'd just begun talking about. To which I want to say, "Your break is long overdue hon."

I wish I'd never said anything.
Because it just opened up a can of worms that didn't need opening tonight. Because it's storming outside, and it'd have been nice if you stayed.
Because I didn't mean to, but I ended up adding to the knots in your shoulders.
Because it's something that would've gone away in time.
Because I didn't want to cry tonight.

I think I was needlessly tripping off things that didn't warrant tripping off. And for that I feel like a first class idiot, and I am beyond annoyed and frustrated at myself. And honest to God, right about now has me missing cold metal against skin.

On a separate note-
It looks like a busier-than-usual week for me. And it will end off with something I've been both anticipating and dreading for weeks, months almost.
I haven't gotten to talk about it,
but frankly speaking, I'm scared.
I'm scared and unsure, and yet, I gave up something that came (more or less) with a guarantee to step in this direction.

And, just like it is a problem in most other areas of my life, and a growing one at that, I'm not always prepared to take for myself.

I'll work things out with me. I always do in the end, don't I?

Friday, October 7, 2011

December's invitation

And these Christmas lights,
Wrapped around a potted plant feeling sorry for itself,
Says it's only October

Through the good and the bad and the ugly-

You save me, everyday.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shackled to shadows

Anyone who says they've recovered from bulimia, or any eating disorder for that matter, who say they're fully recovered, completely and utterly,
Is a liar.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Well. I'd say I've had smarter moments

I need a cigarette.
Need a cigarette.
Need a cigarette right now.
Need a cigarette.

Almost there.

This was not the arrival I needed. This was not the sort of thing I needed to come back to after being away.
This was not the sort of evening I would've asked for a picked. Never. Never, never, never.

I currently feel like absolute shit for a couple of reasons. I didn't need just one more thing to tip the balance. I didn't need this.
I want to curl into a ball.

I will never do this again. Never. She can ask, and I will never say no. I'd rather miss out on something that could've been good than risk saying yes to this.

The rest, I will find another time to fix. But goddamn, I will fix it.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

It's sunset, on a Tuesday. We're nose to nose.

And you're holding me to you, as the sparkles that jump off the water's surface fades. As the trees listen to the secrets trapped in the breaths we don't breathe. As the street lamps glow and the wood beneath our feet sighs.
As the world falls, falls away.

I love you, I suddenly realize again.
I'm taking a bath, crying over the tail-end of Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness which, before I started it, had me almost afraid to read it. And I was afraid for all the right reasons, but that's another story.

Little things, like catching a glimpse of a sign saying "Thai salad" or passing by caps or shades or getting peeks into snippets of people's lives that make them so happy-
I think about you.
And I realize, I love you and I'm terribly in love with you.
I couldn't have ever dreamed up anyone half as amazing as the person you are.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Before Sunrise

Ephesians 4
v26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath

I wish we were okay.
Like, really, okay.
With no inkling of us being us being.


Need you.
Because I want to cry. Because I'm really sad. Because tonight went all wrong, and you always tell me how stupid I am. All the time.

And I know it was my fault. And you'll tell me I was a daft prick too.
I don't know.
You're always there when I'm sitting on my window ledge and crying

34 minutes into the weekend

My eyes are swollen.
I have swollen eyes.
Jesus, that's brilliant. Oh but you know what, I'll get to spend the next five days hiding them behind huge shades anyway. So I guess that's cool.

Well well well, I must say,
what a week this has been!
I found old writings, for one. And found myself, mentally, in not too good a place.
But hey, what the hell, I still ate, didn't (couldn't) run too much because running on Tuesday gave me really bad blisters, AND, like the world wasn't already being difficult, I cancelled Yoga on Wednesday.
Well, okay, I know I went and did that myself because there was something more important, but I looked forward to it for the last week.

I was also really happy about a lot of things this week.
There were a couple of things, and the start of the week that had me fretting a bit, but it turned out okay. Things turned out okay. And for the most part this week, I've been happy as a clam.

Then today.
It started off fine. I swapped tuition to earlier this week because it's the last night before a long weekend away and I'm sappy like that.
I really looked forward to it.
The audition, it was only alright. But I really looked forward to after. Then I think I went and ruined it.
Well, it wasn't altogether ruined, but then, it just sorta ended up getting worse because I don't give the best responses.

And here we are.

No, correction.
Here I am.

There are a couple of things I've realized about myself, having been in my fair share of relationships-

1) I never give the right responses. I'm either being too defensive, or not taking the other person into consideration, or not being right, or something.

2) I don't get over things quick enough. My timings, our timings, they never seem to match up.
Of course, it's an entirely different thing when I face the other, shaking, crumbling, breaking apart at the seams and on the verge of collapse, feeling like I was as good as dead moments ago and he has no idea what I'm talking about. But then, sometimes, people are just like that.

There are a few others.
But, I have to leave for the airport in a couple of hours. Like literally, a couple of hours, and I'm not packed yet.
First World Pains.
My eyes are puffy and I want to curl into a ball and keep crying. Also, I want to sleep.
Also, I must remember to pack my razors.
Well, I must remember a lot of things because I don't actually have anything in my weekend bag. Yet.

I just found that I've broken out into rash on my thigh. This is just fantastic. It's perfect.
Happy Friday y'all, hope it's as exciting for everyone else too!

I will spend the next five days in the sun. With Portia De Rossi's Unbearable Lightness. And a Pina Colada.

I tried. I called. I wanted to tell you that I love you. That I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Because I am and I'm not just saying it so we can sweep it under the carpet. I wanted to say goodnight. That I hope your weekend goes fantastic. That I love you. And I'm sorry about how tonight turned out and I'm sorry that I ruined it. I called. BecauseIwantedtotellyouIwantedtohearyourvoiceonthephoneandthatI'dthinkofyouandthatIloveyou.
But mostly, I wanted to tell you that I love you

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In the way that we're constantly moving,

reminds me of home

I like this, this whole time on my hands thing.
It isn't half bad I think.

I'm listening to songs on repeat, hanging out with JessC (by that I mean trying out new songs on her),
Or maybe I'm reading and I think I'm writing when I'm actually not.
That's a thought. No, no, I do actually believe I've been writing.

Half awake this morning, I found myself reaching for her, and realized my bed didn't have anyone else in it besides myself.

I've had breakfast with Greys' Anatomy and finished off the cup of coffee I made. I might go get myself another cup, it's pretty damn good coffee, you must know.
Of course, this morning being the morning that it is, I'm working my coffee machine with my bed hair and smudged eyeliner while still in my oversized tee that's falling off my shoulders and I'm thinking,
"I want to make her coffee in the mornings."

I'll trade you kisses for the bits of yourself that you've left with me

Traces of you on my skin

The way you breathe my name
And let me melt into you

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The animals were gone

Cos waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Only sometimes,

I stop for a minute or so, and kind of wonder how important I am to you.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I should've told you, when I could,
instead of biting my lip and burying my nose into your hair.
Because that's all I wanted to do-
Tell you over and over and over again.

Coming in one week late


Guess who I got to dress up for a Masquerade Ball?


They said Black-tie and yeah sure, skinny ties look cute and all but I sorta thought...
hmmm. Bow tie. And suspenders.
And a mask.
Well the mask would come later.

End product!
Why hello, cutie(:

Clearly I love playing dress up.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A day in the life of an actor

That's time I won't get back.
For some reason, this is affecting me a bit more than usual.
This sucks


They're arranged according to shades, going from light to dark and then fading into the next colour. Sharpened to a point, and all at the exact same length, the collection stretches from one end of the table to the other.

She's on the far side of the room, closest to the window, bending down so that she is eye-level with the colour pencils on the table's surface. The door opens and another steps in. She watches the girl for a while, as she darts from one spot to the next adjusting the colour pencils by infinitesimal degrees.

"What's wrong?"
The girl barely looks up from the dark shade of red she's got her index finger on.
"Nothing or nothing you want to tell me?"
She stops. She pulls a colour pencil out of the entire spectrum of colours in front of her.
"I don't know, you know. It's like, it's supposed to be red, but it's not. It's more like a brown. And it's not maroon. It's not...I don't know. I've got all the shades of red here, and all the shades of brown and this is in between."

The other girl waits, her arms folded and her legs crossed at the ankles.
She stops staring at the colour pencil in her hand and looks up at the other.
"I don't know."

"You don't seem like you want me here very much so, I'm just going to go."
She looks down at the dark shade of red again. Or brown. She can't quite make up her mind.
"I'd actually like to stay but, y'know." The other says, shrugging, before backing out the room.

If you wanted to stay, do something, do anything, make something right, talk, figure something out, try, anything,
if you wanted to, you would.
You would, and you would've done it.

It's a palate of colours, bleeding into each other almost. There are spritzes and dashes, intensity that soars and dips.
There's also an empty space.
It used to be a dark shade of red. Or brown.
We couldn't make up our minds.

Monday, September 19, 2011


The taste of you left on my lips

Friday, September 16, 2011




There was a conversation this afternoon that left me sort of a little bit sad. But I suppose there're just some things that will come by and I will not be able to do much else besides absolutely nothing.

I love you.
And a lot of times I wish that were the only thing that matters.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


"Hey Charis," she says as I'm climbing out the car right after hugging her, "you're very precious to me."
Her words catch me off guard, I'm smiling, but I feel like I'm about to cry too.
"Thank you. Am I really? How's that?" I reply, reaching for my bag in the back.
"I just, realize things sometimes. I want to watch you grow."

"I'm really lucky to have you," I say as I wave goodbye.

Some people have talked about an appeal to Emotion, an insincerity. How the proof is in the money they pay you, because it's the most tangible.
But it's not like that, not always. I understand fully, an appeal to emotion and some people being like that. I do know, but it doesn't always hold true.
Some people really are honest and good, some people really do just want the best for you.

The proof is in the pudding-
You'll see it in full clarity in the quality of production at these people's hands.
And if the proof is also in the money, then I have nothing to say because I've nothing to complain about.

Maybe you don't think so but everytime I think about it, I do think,
"Truly, I'm lucky to have her."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I just realized

what I like the most about you,
and why.
And why I'm in love with you

Monday, September 12, 2011

Somehow I know, I've been waiting my whole life to see

You standing there

You are the girl that's been running around in my-
Head, I finally found you
I've been dreaming about you
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams

Way past 11:11 now

I wish you kissed me. Like you said you'd been wanting to all day. I think a little part of me held on to that. I wanted to kiss you too.

I wish tonight didn't go the way it did. I wish it hadn't ended up like that. I wish I hadn't had to tell you what happened.
That being said I've been told countless times that there are just some things we can keep to ourselves, there are things the other doesn't need to know. I know this. I've kept things from people before, consciously and subconsciously. I'm not sure if I wish I was less honest with you, but I do wish being honest didn't always make me feel like this at the end of it.

I wish I could promise you that something like this won't ever happen again. I wish I could promise you to be hyper aware of my behaviour/vibes/WHATEVER so that I know exactly what I am or am not doing. Then I can promise not to ever behave as such and will not ever find myself in a situation of any kind.

I wish your words didn't hurt me as much as they did.

I wish my cab had crashed.

I wish this was easier on you.

I wish I wasn't crying myself to sleep. Because it's been a while since I've done that and I've never actually been a huge fan of it.

I wish you kissed me.
Correction, I wish I didn't wish so much that you'd kissed me tonight.
I wouldn't have either.

Truth or dare?

To be completely honest-
I'd actually been looking forward to tonight- both dinner (which went brilliantly) and after.

I said in this case, you can't just blame one person.
Because to be fair, I might've done something to perpetuate it and not even known. Also because people can, have, and often will shove people off, regardless, and I don't know how to do it like that.

I know you weren't mad at me. But some of the things you said stung. Wow. Like, ouch.
I am aware, of course, of how much cleaner she was/is and how I come with my own station wagon of things to deal with. But, wow.
Then again, you're not the first today. Not that I'm giving out prizes.

The best thing that could've happened to me on my way home, would have been for my cab driver to swing round the corner so wildly that he was unable to avoid the oncoming car crashing into us.
But dammit, I'm out of wishes today.

It's back to work tomorrow.
For once, I'm not all hopped up.

This will be an interesting week-
It's barely started and I already feel empty.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The hangover

"You're worth so much more than that" is something that I can say, that I have, that I've told people.
Reverse the roles and I'd want to walk down this path where you find out why, put things to words and understand yourself. Or try to.

But then, I find myself in these situations and I'm just.
I don't know. I don't even know.

I just don't like how it makes me feel in the morning.
And my mirror doesn't know what to say to me.

Sunday, September 11th 2011


Okay you know what. This is motherfucking stupid. I'm not even at the fucking party yet. I fucking wanna go home. Now. What the fuck.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

too tired for my own good

want you here to cuddle up with.

Friday, September 9, 2011


Woke up this morning and thought, something's missing.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I've been up

Drawing. Looking. Searching.
I hope it makes sense in the morning.
And I hope it's enough

I think it's time to sleep now.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

You're magic

How, how is it you know how to fix me before I've started falling apart?

All that's missing now

His name is Wallaby Joe.
I want you to meet him. You'd have liked him.
And he'd have loved you,
With your brown eyes and contagious laughter.

Wallaby Joe has moved homes. And the home he's in is nicer. He's happier where he is now, you can tell.
I want you to meet him.
But you're made up.
And you're not here.

Half three in the afternoon

I wonder if we get sad because we're already sad but we've been blocking it out.
Or because there's some kind of trigger, something that slights you, so you hang on to a more plausible reason to be sad.
To something that can tell you why you're falling apart from the inside out.

A poem-
It starts off with a number. You begin writing about something, that shapes itself around something else. Your words do that because it knows you better than you, and you could've started writing about cat and dogs and squirrels and rabbits when actually all you wanted to talk about was that snail you passed on the pavement, on your way to the grocers', and how you didn't pick it up even though you always always pick up snails and put them back on the grass. And how, when you walked back the same way you'd found it was already dead. And how it made you stop and stare and not know what to do.
Then you're done with the poem and you look back and hardly know where it came from, even though, actually, honestly, some part of you does.
And you hate the honesty in it.
But you love the honesty in it.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Who do you like? >:]

This girl I hang out with a lot.

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

In your opinion, what makes a girl 'hot'?

Personality. and brains.

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

What are your pet peeves?

I can't think, off the top of my head but here's one- finding statements on Formspring that go "pass this on" or "ask your followers". Does that even look like a question?! Sorry I sound so angsty.

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

Would you rather be a peanut or a walnut?

A peanut! Then I can hurl myself at people who're allergic to me. More people seem allergic to peanuts as opposed to walnuts.

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

What's your favorite saying?

"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever."

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Feels like home

"I like mornings like this," you say as I shift myself closer.

And I've always been scared, but I want to promise you things.
So many things.
That I'll wake you up for work, and on time.
That I'll sort out the sheets in the morning, because I actually like doing it.
That I'll pick up the juice and yoghurt, when we're running low.
That you can come home to me.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Here's the problem with having the same shampoo as your girlfriend:
When you're in the shower, and shampooing, it kinda makes turns you into a shmuck.
And, you need to get over the fact that you will not have a kiss waiting for you when you hop outta the show.

This is retarded.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

You're butterflies on my skin

So I officially spent the best part of my Wednesday (and by best part I do mean a few hours) stuck on someone's Tumblr.
He is FTM, and gawd he's cute.
Who writes now and then, has pictures, is in love with himself (or so it seems) but on some level, there's this bit about him that just, doesn't seem so bad.

No, I do not, and will not follow him because frankly, I don't want to have porn on my dashboard. I did my fair share of yelping, cringing and hurriedly scrolling through gifs today.

People are interesting. And people like this person I've come across, just remind me how interesting I find people. I don't know what it was for sure that had me continuing to read despite my distaste for most of the content.

In any case, I'm off it now.

I sorta wanted to talk about it though. Maybe because of all this talk about violent sex.
I get it. As in, I get why people would, and people getting off on pain.
I get that it takes a whole lot of trust. I get that sometimes people are caught in that in-between, that line drawn in sand between way too far and you're pushing it. I know of people crossing those lines because they want to, and some who want to always be pushing boundaries, but don't really want them to be crossed.

But I also know that it takes a whole lot more trust to let someone to love you.

"Please sir, may I have some more?"

I took this picture because I told her she looks like a character straight out of Oliver Twist.
And that she looks like she's been starved and needs to be fed.

Cutest, most adorable thing in the world!

Except, she straightened up for the picture and looked less orphan-like. I also asked her for big sad eyes, except she couldn't consciously do it):

So. If I ever need to apply for bursaries or financial help for the kids, we know who's gonna go down for the interviews(:

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Your voice

Was the soundtrack of my Summer

Dear you,
Don't know what you did, but I think I'm pretty in love with you.
Love, me

Monday, August 29, 2011

Pulling faces on a late Saturday afternoon

Without even realizing it actually.
Honestly, I felt bad. Because I didn't mean to:/

"She's precious." Mommy tells me.

"Yes(: yes she is."

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The weekend

Is finally here.
We just got home from Delia's where we were stuffed to the brim with really good food(:

Now, to bed.

Favourite thing in the world, falling asleep to you

Friday, August 26, 2011

Expiration date

I'm always afraid of wanting too much.
Often, I'm happy where I am, and I can stay put. The problem comes with looking for what comes next.

Sometimes, I don't get people.
"I'm not the marrying sort, I don't think. I can't see myself in it." I'd say. And I get this look. This, 'Oh child, aren't you too young to make hasty decisions like that?' -type of look.
Or this, 'Now now, don't speak too early.'- type of look.
And then at some point, for whatever reason, I get to thinking,
"Hmm, maybe I could..." But oh, people people, don't hurt yourself as you make a break for it now.
Good God, what is it that people want? I seem to be at the perfect age to be answering these questions wrongly.

I'll just put things into perspective for myself though-
1) Do I want to get married right now?
Hell no. No, I don't. No. No.
2) Do I want to eventually?
Uh, honest to God, I really don't know. Not at this point. I'm definitely not saying that I won't ever. But it depends on a whole lot of things.
3) What about The Girlfriend?
I am very happy and I feel like I can do this for quite a while- living, being and being able to be, while with each other. We both do. But I don't know about anything else.

Sometimes, like today, I am randomly struck by our expiration date. We never said we'd be forever, and I like that we agree on things like that.
Maybe I wasn't prepared for your reply being that sharp. I suppose I'm just used to having responses like that come from me instead of the other round. So perhaps I'm a tad taken aback.

In regards to weddings and proposals and the patterns on our paper doilies, we'll leave that to Future Charis.
Because honest to God, I'm perfectly fine with what I've got right now.

I've got Bird.
And we're just thinking of Buttons and Timo being our witnesses.
I might not get to have kids, but we'll make do with the furry ones.

Tell me sweet little lies

I never blamed you.
Some people, they start talking about faults, they start blaming. But it wasn't wrong, it never was. I was happy, and I thought, I'm going to do this.
And I was, all by myself.
Then I thought, y'know, it might be nice for you to know. Not because I wanted help, not because I wasn't sure what to do. I knew exactly what I was going to do. And I knew who I'd go to, I just needed to be honest and work up the guts.
I decided I'd tell you, because maybe you'd like to know.

I never blamed you.
Not then, and not now.

Sometimes, you just know.
You just know that you can, and you go for it. You don't have any idea how you're going to do it, but you know you can.
You know with every iota of your being.
I knew.
I knew before the truth stared me in the face, and I knew that I could, I swear to God. I knew, and so I wanted to. I wanted to so, so much. I'd never thought about anything else; There wasn't any other option. Not because I was blind to it, but because I couldn't have it any other way.
If you're standing in between, that's not your fault. And if you're not sure or you simply don't know, then that's not wrong, and it's not anybody's fault either. Because they can't tell you what to feel. They can't tell you what you do or don't know.

But I wasn't standing in between. You have to know.
I had decided, before I'd even told you. I had decided, and I was so, so, impossibly happy.
I knew I could. And I was going to. I wasn't undecided. I wasn't sure about how I was going to start.
But I knew that I could.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that it sounds like I'm angry, like it's your fault, like I'm blaming you.
I'm not, please don't think that.
I think I'm angry at myself, for not being as grounded as I thought I was. For not being able to hang on tight, and fight harder for what I wanted.
And fight harder after that.

I never told you how to feel. I never told you whether or not you could. I never tried to convince you.
Sometimes, I just sorta wish you'd done the same for me.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Contact Improv

So we had a conversation about how T's friend from work couldn't believe that we were together. The conversation went a little like-
"Oh so, who's Charis, where's she from?"
"Actually, she's my girlfriend."
"What? Really? But I couldn't tell!"
For some reason this has gotten me all interested, my first question to T being,
"You don't mind that it's like that do you? Cos I certainly don't!"
We're on the same page with that so(:

Which in itself is kind of funny. This conversation was sparked off by talking about certain boyfriend (or well, significant others) and how they behave with their girlfriends, so on and so forth. Because there are a good many who like to show off their girlfriends and there are girlfriends who like to be shown off. And I do think, when they find each other and float each other's boats, then it's all well and good.

We were talking about how we couldn't quite stand being perpetually wrapped around each other at parties or social gatherings and what-have-yous. We don't mind sitting with each other, but we generally like having conversations with other people.
Which brings me to what I find funny- that I am, and always have been, the very affectionate sort. And preeeetty open about it too. Even with people I'm not actually with, but am close to, which often makes for very confused on-lookers.
I think it's funny considering how affectionate I am that I am generally irked by having someone perpetually wrapped around me, or vice versa. Especially when we're hanging out with people and/or attending events or gatherings together.
I mean, for crying out loud, the world can SO tell you wanted me in the splash zone while you were peeing. Might as well do a little circle round me too. Ugh.

I mentioned how I'd hate for someone to go, "Oh I expect they're together because you sorta can't tell who's hand is whose."
People, people.
This is not contact improv.
But in any case, they make for interesting watching every so often.

I guess I'm just glad that I don't get that. That I don't feel obliged to sit beside my girlfriend all the time. Or like, that if I walked away for a bit, she'd call me up looking for me. Or that if she walked off, she'd be upset if I didn't notice and didn't come looking for her.
It's not that we're hiding, or not open. It's just, you don't have to be wrapped up in each other all the time, you know?

So yeah, I thought it funny and actually liked that Steph couldn't tell we were together, and actually said she's never have known otherwise.

I quite like being able to move my own limbs about. And of course, I'll still sneak you peeled prawns and all the bits of pork that get piled onto my plate. And it's nice to reach for the other under the table and say, "Go home?" And climb into the car together after, and go home to being clean and snuggling up. Don't get me wrong, I like that very much.

But in the meantime, there's no need to pee on each other to keep everyone else away.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The way you say good morning

Your fingers graze the small of my back as you brush past me. It's barely a second, but you've sent shivers up my spine and left me in a three-second daze.

Girl, you're more than anything I could've ever dreamt of wanting.


I like the way this week's been looking, it's been pretty balanced I'd say. Balance is always nice.

I'm back from this morning's Volunteering and lunch with Engie.

I can't wait for this weekend. I could do with snuggling up and stealing good morning kisses.



I guess I really have been quite out of it. But there's no point sulking now, or feeling sorry for myself.
The point is just to get back to it. Just, pick up where I left off. Focus on the shit that I want, even when it sounds painful.
After all, I've got the channels to it. Don't I?

Monday, August 22, 2011


She gets to the side of the road, steps off the kerb and stands. Her bare feet flat against the black heated surface.
Then, quietly, she starts praying. She doesn't have her hands clasped and her eyes aren't closed, but she's praying.
And she's saying that one line over, and over, and over again-
"Please let the next one hit me. Please."

Soon after Christmas

I hate being dependant.
In fact, out of all the things I'd hate for myself, being dependant comes in at the top.

So it scares me to ask-
Please tell me that I won't be left alone with me. Just this week. That I'm not falling apart as much as I think I already am.
Please tell me.
Because I've done it so long by myself, I don't know it I've got enough of me left anymore.
I think I need you.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Starting Point

Like habits, routines.
All it takes is that first step and enough of you to not go crazy about it. Except most times, you lose yourself to too much, get sick of it and call it quits.

Here, I will find a starting point.

I finally went back to Muay Thai. Except I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Wrapping my hands, something that used to be second-freaking-nature to me, I couldn't do it.
I hated that moment. The moment that I started and realized, "Nope, this isn't really right."
It took me that whole hour and a half to find that I'd found me. The one I'd left behind somewhere amongst the punching bags and gloves.

I also started on a Meisner class. I've missed repetition. And maybe I'm paying $400 just to be in the company of people who will learn it so that I will find someone I can do it with.
Maybe I'm going for all the wrong reasons.
Because, it sure as hell feels like I am.
I walk in, and yes, I'm looking to learn, but more than that, I'm looking to experience. Except, I can never re-experience. I can't go into that class and be looking for Alexis, for Summer, for Ina, for all those classmates I left behind at The Acting Corp. Because they're not there.
"Come up for a demo." He says. And I do.

The first person I ever did repetition with, was Steve. He's tall, with dark hair. Lanky, he played volleyball- lived in Hawaii for a while with his team, just playing. They were on telly all the time.
We were second up, maybe third.
"Cute smile," he begins.
Except we're stopped and I don't repeat it. Because I've stopped smiling by then. He didn't take me in fresh, he remembered the smile and then brought it up.
He'd thought about it before which goes against living in each moment.

I go up for this demo. And I think about Steve. I think about that tiny theatre space on the first floor of the building- the space I came into every morning of the week for Daily Actors' Workout.
But this isn't it. The activity is the same. Well, similar. The people are different. The environment's different. I am different.
And on a weird level, I feel like a shadow of myself.

I miss what I had at Actors' Boot Camp.
When I left, I thought, it'd be fun to go into repetition with a whole bunch of new people. It didn't matter much that i wasn't coming back for BC II with the same classmates. I wanted more. I wanted different.
I don't know if I'll get that. I don't know if I'll ever go back for BC II.

All I know is that I've started a class. And I want to learn, I want to see what's new and what's different.
But it's difficult when I'm half turned and wanting one of my classmates to read me. Read me, or try to. Here let me lay myself out open. No wait, I shan't. Because somehow, I don't really trust you. I don't feel like I can come here and open up.

Repetition is about being truthful-
Well here it is. I don't know if I actually want to be in that class right now.
It's been one class, just one. But I'm not riveted. I'm not captivated. I'm not gripped.
And I'm thinking, I could've used that money for Muay Thai.
But maybe, maybe, maybe, it'll get better.
Because I do want to learn. I do want to practice.
And I want to stop getting frustrated, and not even know what at.


On a completely different note.
Jerry's party last night was nice. We had nice beehoon and chilli that he made himself. and I had three spritzers, and a few conversations with a few different people.
Got to chatting with Ethel and her boyfriend (who as it turns out, I've met before and is the older brother of someone I've worked with back in Y2Y- never good with names, only faces). Chatting with them was nice, albeit just about very general things.
I hope Jerry had fun, importantly. He did a lot of the running around and serving food.
After cake, we came home together, Nick being nice enough to drop us off at the main road, which made things infinitely easier.

So we got home, chatted with mommy for a bit, and I crawled into bed after her.

I made breakfast this morning, for all four of us. And that was nice.
All Sunday mornings should be like this.
We just need to work that into managing to get to church (and on time too), or we won't be a particularly good example for our kids):

The thought of the coming week is cheering me up considerably, after my rant-and-rave about the Meisner class.

I will go for a run tonight.
I've got a tattoo waiting for me.