Friday, August 26, 2011

Tell me sweet little lies

I never blamed you.
Some people, they start talking about faults, they start blaming. But it wasn't wrong, it never was. I was happy, and I thought, I'm going to do this.
And I was, all by myself.
Then I thought, y'know, it might be nice for you to know. Not because I wanted help, not because I wasn't sure what to do. I knew exactly what I was going to do. And I knew who I'd go to, I just needed to be honest and work up the guts.
I decided I'd tell you, because maybe you'd like to know.

I never blamed you.
Not then, and not now.

Sometimes, you just know.
You just know that you can, and you go for it. You don't have any idea how you're going to do it, but you know you can.
You know with every iota of your being.
I knew.
I knew before the truth stared me in the face, and I knew that I could, I swear to God. I knew, and so I wanted to. I wanted to so, so much. I'd never thought about anything else; There wasn't any other option. Not because I was blind to it, but because I couldn't have it any other way.
If you're standing in between, that's not your fault. And if you're not sure or you simply don't know, then that's not wrong, and it's not anybody's fault either. Because they can't tell you what to feel. They can't tell you what you do or don't know.

But I wasn't standing in between. You have to know.
I had decided, before I'd even told you. I had decided, and I was so, so, impossibly happy.
I knew I could. And I was going to. I wasn't undecided. I wasn't sure about how I was going to start.
But I knew that I could.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that it sounds like I'm angry, like it's your fault, like I'm blaming you.
I'm not, please don't think that.
I think I'm angry at myself, for not being as grounded as I thought I was. For not being able to hang on tight, and fight harder for what I wanted.
And fight harder after that.

I never told you how to feel. I never told you whether or not you could. I never tried to convince you.
Sometimes, I just sorta wish you'd done the same for me.

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