#nofilter

If you could only see all the amazing things I do,
When I'm looking right at you.

Making up

So the weekend made things a lot better.
I guess I've really been missing being able to properly spend time with each other.

I must say, could've done without the food poisoning to end off my Tuesday night. But I am immensely grateful for the love and care and concern and looking-after that I got from the people around me. ☺☺

So.
Just like that, I'm in the middle of a new week.
I think I'm still in the middle of adjusting and still trying to sort through outstanding things that need sorting out. It's a whole new set of problems, I guess, when your deadlines are your own and when you need to work out time frames that match other people's as well.
But. I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I just need to get to it. As soon as my tummy feels tip top and I'm less...
Sluggish.

Spent

Because I'm all yours anyway. 

_____________________________

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me,

Believe me

I love you but I'll never tie you down

_______________________________

There should be fewer Fridays that leave you in tearful messes by noon. 

_______________________________

Here's a possibility:

What if...

I've just been needing someone too?

Que sera sera

Tuesday afternoon, after teaching the most amazing learning-needs class in the entire term combined, I found myself stopping off in King Albert Park's Cold Storage.
It was just to pick up a couple of things for baking later on, and it was a pretty quick trip. But as I smiled at the cashier and made off with fresh blueberries and such, I thought-
This is the kind of mother I want to be.

I want to be able to work as much and as long as I need to, but also have days where I can fill my home with the smell of recipes I may or may not be the most confident about.

I want to hear my children tripping over themselves as they scramble through the front door and have them know there'll be Paleo Banana bread still warm from the oven that'll be waiting for them when they're put the shower.

And I want you home in time for dinner, sneaking me a kiss just before. To have you frowning at me the way you do when you find I've spent the afternoon baking/ cleaning/ painting instead of catching up on rest. To have you look at me incredulously and ask why I'm baking low-carb high fat desserts, and to navigate away from a possible argument by asking if you can switch the music in the player.

Until tomorrow.

Sometimes it feels like there isn't room for mistakes. 

And sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder how long I've spent feeling like that. Being afraid. 

Feeling like I'm half sentences, running my bare feet against the edges of rocky cliffs. 

I wonder how it is that I miss you,

Before you've even left.

_____________________________

You never saw how far the crack had opened

You never knew I had run out of rope. 

______________________________

Don't you ever think, my darling,

That there are far too many times we've let the sun set on us feeling like this?

Endings

And so, quite suddenly it seems,
we're in our last week of filming.

Yes, it's been a long journey, with long, long days (wayyyyyyy longer for the amazing and hardworking people I've had the pleasure of working with). But while we've been tired and started out barely able to see the week we'd shoot the last episode,
suddenly,
here we are.


It's been sounding like this'll launch us into another phase that is just as (if not more) exciting. I hope it all turns out as promising as it's been sounding.
I'm excited(:

Sometimes,

Don't you just...

Know?

I don't have the words to tell you how I think you're the loveliest, most incredible, most perfect thing in the world to me. 

On the subject of Forevers...

Well I suppose, sometimes, you just...know.
And when you get there, if you get there, there isn't any denying it-
You figure, you know what you want and what you want is the person standing in front of you. And you want them for... Well, forever really.

And for some people it's just a... Natural progression. It's the next step forward and so it makes sense.
For some others who've spent ages getting all the fun they can out of life, they find themselves drawn to finally settling down.
And all that is... well it's pretty something, isn't it? This whole choosing-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with-someone is always pretty something.
To me it is.
It's always been.


And if you ask me...
(And it's been asked in various ways this evening, speaking of which)
Do I believe in marriage?
Yeah.
Maybe not the concept of "The One" but...
I believe in someone being right for you, I believe in timing being a very important player and I believe in trying very hard to make things work.
I believe in being on the same page and wanting the same things, and working towards certain goals. I believe in growing together, changing together... And wanting that to happen.
I believe in finding someone who things fit with, who things fall into place with.

Which also leaves me afraid.
I'm afraid that it might be true-
That if someone says they're not the marrying sort, that they'll never be the marrying sort. And that if someone says they'll never want kids, that they'll never wake up one day and want kids.

I'm afraid we're always going to say,
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there..." Except we'll realize, a long way down, that we came up to the same fucking bridge a few fucking times and then just steered ourselves away from it instead.

I'm afraid of...
Waking up one day and wondering if we really are on the same page. Or realizing we're not.
And then...
And then what? What then?

When you love someone so much, so fully and so wholly,
When you've poured yourself into something you wanted to be in for the long run,
When this person you wake up to in the morning is everything you've ever needed and ever wanted...
What happens the morning that you wake up and realize that you're actually on different pages?

But then, like a car careening to the edge of a cliff, I stop short just a breath away, reel myself back and think...
I'm really not quite there yet, in any case, am I?
Sure, settling down at some point sounds nice but certainly not right now.
Someone else could say "Yes" right now but, no, not me. I couldn't.
And that's okay, really.
It is.


I guess it's just that there's a little part of me that, on top of the other things I'm afraid of, is wondering if I'll ever be the girl someone looks at and thinks,
"I couldn't possibly do the rest of my life without her."

Wishes on fallen eyelashes

I cannot answer their questions about forevers, or whether I'm ready to spend the next decade in a given country. I can't tell you how I'll work it out, or what will happen to all the pictures I've dreamed up.


But I do know I want to be with you.
That I want our home to be filled with music and the smell of something in the oven. That I want to come through the front door and get annoyed that you forgot to defrost tonight's dinner.

And I'm not saying that wanting it is enough to make it happen, it's not.
But at least for right now, I just want to sit here and want these things,
and not think about how close or how far out of reach they are.

Band-aids

So instead, I spent last night having a tearful conversation with you.
Except it was all in my head.

Because then I get to be honest, without feeling like I'm saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Without feeling like I'm wrong, period.

All the new things I never saw coming

You're doing it wrong Charis,

You're just all wrong. 

Stop getting in the way

The shorter end of the stick

There are so many things we should have been talking about that just gave way to this...This situation instead.

And that's what upsets me, even now.
Because how are we going to backpedal through the entire month to find all the things we should have been pouring out to each other while we were fighting someone else's battle instead?

So sure, we can fix this, and we'll get back on track with each other and be okay- I'm sure of it.
But all the stuff I've missed out on with you, and you with me, how do make up for that? And why are we the ones having to do making up of any sort anyway, when it wasn't us who started or were directly involved in this whole tragic affair in the first place?

And y'know,
Y'know how I've always said I wouldn't have wanted you to never have helped? And you know how I keep saying that at least we tried and it should make us happy that our friends are?
It's a little bit hard to keep telling myself that when I find ourselves here.

His world will go on turning

There are so many things I've wanted to tell you, wanted to say to you
That I've forgotten them all.

Every single one of them.

Missing

Dear whoever you are,

Find me?

Find me,

Find me. 

_______________________________

There are days I feel like I'm breaking.

_______________________________

I remember this. I remember this feeling. 

This wanting to be enough, wanting you to look my way twice. And I remember learning again how to be on my own, how to be okay, how to be sad and need a cuddle but pack my things and head to the gym instead. I've been here before, and I can do it again. 

I can. 

Because everywhere I turn, she's always going to be right there saying,

"They'll want you, but only when you're beautiful."

______________________________

How about

You get back to me when you want to. 

_______________________________

I have no doubt that I could love you

Forever

The only trouble is 

You really don't have the time.