Friday, May 28, 2010
So I spent my Thursday afternoon with my clubbing girlfriend who's back in town for a month!
It was terribly funny actually, because I was secretly thinking "I love her to bits, and I wouldn't mind clubbing with her but then, how do i tell her that i'm kind of uhm, not super into clubbing?"
And then it turns out that she felt exactly the same way.
So we were both like,
"OMG, WE ARE SOOO OLD!" and then proceeded to burst into laughter.
So I took her to Freshly Baked, where we had gorgeous Cinnamon bread. Never disappoints(:
And over lunch I learnt so much about the recent North-South Korea thing, and China and what not. Not half bad hey, and just over lunch!
And here's what I realized today!
It's the very first time, in the five years that we've known each other, that we've been out together in the day. And not just been out together in the day, but like, not have any booze in our system at all! Nada, zilch!
HOW BIZARRE DON'T YOU THINK?! IT'S MADNESS!
lovely catching up and I think we're going to slowly shift from being clubbing girlfriends to dessert girlfriends and it sounds positively delish, that thought!
Uniform party next week!
I'll have details up in justttt a tick, promise!
CAN'T WAIT! I AM SOOO EXCITED!
And tomorrow, some very very special friends on board Singapore Airlines (and not all on the same flight) will be pulling right into Singapore(:
So I hope the weekend turns out as promising as it looks.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
How, do I deal with real life
Now she's laced, entwined
Making me feel feelings
I thought that weren't mine
I wish I could find the words to tell you, without feeling like I'd have to take them back,
without fretting about the mess I'd make,
without feeling like a daft prick.
But I've put myself out there now,
So I'll just have to try to breathe.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
like, what in the world!
I woke up thinking to myself,
"I deserve to do something for me!" So, having not gotten over my taste for HK-nomnoms (when will I ever, really?), I decided to go steam myself some 奶黃包s (i think that's the word for it). Some custard-y bao thing basically. And yes, I didn't chuck it into the microwave even though that would've taken one-eighth of the time and been infinitely easier.
Charis Vera Ng does not do things by half, she'll have you know!
Sooo I properly steamed my little custard baos.
I received a phonecall.
and that phonecall pretty much just made the rest of my day(:
Or how much they mean to me because of everything that I associate with it.
Well, now you know.
Everything that is real, that I love, that is close to my heart-
And hearts, like strawberries,
so, what happens if I'm in love with you?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I feel quite out of sorts today.
Like I've spent the (few) hours that I've been awake wading around in quicksand or something of the like. My thoughts are a murky mess, my body lethargic, my mood swinging in random directions being anything from irritable to just-about-ready-to-cry.
It's actually quite bizarre.
So much so that I even found myself having to take a deep breath and tell myself, "You're an actress Charis, dinner won't even be a sitch!" and then I skipped along, beaming.
That sort of ran out on me a few minutes in and I found myself actively declining to join mommy and her friends for dinner.
The family and I ordered Dominoes for dins, opened up a bottle of beer and sat down to watch Sword in the Stone.
My word, the memories came rushing back at me and I was just in absolute hysterics over the silliest things.
It was fantastically lovely and such a simple, simple thing, it cheered me right up.
I'm doing a lot better now,
a lot more smiley and texting a very cute girl who's out of town at the moment.
And I find myself thinking,
I quite like evenings like this(:
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It wouldn't have sat well with me, my last pre-holiday post being about something godawfully frivolous!
So i'm hours away from check in.
Just a couple.
A more pressing issue is work that starts in an hour! We're grading them already and I hope today wraps up nicely. I hope they can do it. I hope they'll be okay.
I have not slept.
I haven't slept since last night and my brain feels like it's going to explode out of its skull right now and my body is behaving the way it does at half four in the morning, when you're up too early.
'tis okay though, I will catch up on sleep on the plane ride.
So everything's more or less set, just the way I like it.
I hope the stuff that'll come in from work won't be too overwhelming and I can just hand it all over in a lovely neat folder like I've pictured in my head.
Aside from that, need to do last minute dashes here and there, pray really hard we get to finish class on time today.
And uhm, well, breathe.
Sounds easy enough no?
Hong Kong and Omnomnomagons, HERE I COMEEEEEEEE<3
So I was thinking, I'll pop by in just a bit?(:
SO around this time last year,
I liked how my hair looked very much. And random people would tell me my hair was nice^^
Which was kinda cool but then, even though I looooved it, I was also sorta bored.
And I hate that I always get super fidgety with my hair. I've never been able to sit still with it for ages. Even if I'm really happy with it, I'd have this urge to go do something with it.
And not just trim and wash it. Like do something with it.
So after my soft straight hair got boring,
and the pink faded out (this was me going to Tioman and not realizing that sun and sea would damage fantastically back-breaking hairdye jobs!) -
The Little Creature said she liked the idea of curls with fringe.
I like fringe, I do.
But curls. hmm.
I've always had slightly wavy hair which I'd ALWAYS wanted to be straight.
But well, I was dying for a change and The Little Creature's idea didn't seem half bad.
I decided to make this deliberate effort to look Chinky.
So I dyed my hair black and went to Jessie's in September!
Where I got curls to complete my chinky look.
I didn't really mind it, once it softened and weighed itself out a bit.
And my hair being my hair, it's super thick so I didn't have to put up with tiny tight curls for like, forever. Thank God.
So by year end, my hair weighed out and kinda looked like this
And then January came rolling around,
bringing friends from aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over the place and resulting in a super messed up body alarm for the next few months(:
So my hair has her moods, clearly.
These next two pictures were taken a couple of days apart from each other.
My hair in this one's semi-straight.
Just kinda wavy, y'know.
And then a few days later it's looking like this.
I've never minded my hair this entire time that it's been growing out though.
I guess it's because it's not too boring.
She has her moods and I'm generally okay with putting up with her moods.
That and I guess I really have been super busy.
Since that hair perm back in September, I haven't been to Jessie's at aaaaaaaaall.
And my hair grew and grew, dead/dying bits and all.
I went by today.
Just for a trim and a wash basically.
But Jessie did a bit of layering.
She's and Samsul are the only people in the world I'd trust with my hair. They're the only ones who can tell me to close my eyes and wait for the surprise and I'd just completely trust them and leave my hair in their hands. hahaha.
Jessie's mighty pleased at the length, and I am just comfy with what I have.
So here's me, from this afternoon (excuse the need for camwhoring!)
Do I look all fresh and bouncy and ready to promote the next bottle of shampoo you chuck at me?!
I likey. I likey a lot.
Okay, I'm frikking falling asleep here. It's terrible.
I haven't packed for Hong Kong but I somehow thought it important to sit down and type to you about how my hair has changed in the last year or so.
Charis, are you fer rel! ugh.
I will end the ditzy talk now and do something constructive.
g'night furry kitties!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It was the prettiest thing, more so in real life but I'm sure that has something to do with the shades that Umi bought me for my birthday. They have a tendency of making colors look more intense, saturated, somehow. It's lovely, looking at the world through those shades.
It's almost as if Umi handed me my birthday present(s) - the clutch with everything inside- had me pull out the white earrings and chunky necklace to match the clutch and then the shades, not just to match it but so that everyone else who wouldn't have my pretty presents to wear would still look pretty.
Aren't I self-absorbed.
You must ask to look through those shades if you get the chance.
It really does make things prettier; The world and its sunsets, glistening waters, post-rain skies. Already beautiful things are made more beautiful and random miss-able stuff are made noticeable.
I need to pack.
I haven't started.
And I'm excited about the prospect of starting to pack,
I had an incredibly late lunch with Diana this afternoon at three frikkin' thirty (how did we even last that long babe?!) and we nomnom-ed on theee loveliest things.
We had a lovely chat, while the rain poured on the empty streets of Somerset and we nursed mugs of warm water and talked about fantastically romantic ideas.
Some nice, most just simply, terrifying. For myself at least.
I worry a bit about her.
All these things seem to find their way back to a lot of pain and immense self-loathing.
Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, it isn't.
It's not all sunshine and daisies, that's for certain,
but it shouldn't have to hurt so much.
Mommy told me that once, and I couldn't find anything to say to that.
She could've come up with a world of reasons for that first relationship I was in, especially when it was on the rocks, way before that random night in March. She could've attacked him, as a person, or the fundamental flaws that a lot of our relationship was built on.
She could even have thrown the bible and all the Christian values at me, which she did every so often.
But she didn't that night.
She found me, crying quietly. Not even bawling. Not rocking back and forth, I don't think. Just sitting and crying.
And she said,
"Baby, love isn't supposed to hurt like this. It isn't supposed to hurt this much."
But because I couldn't see the forest through the trees, I just thought,
"If I shouldn't be hurting or feeling this way, then what am I doing wrong?"
I'll always remember what she said to me. I think it's the best piece of advice she's given me my whole life.
And I've found myself saying the same thing to other people too, when it made sense that is-
Dawn, when I could hear her crying through my bedroom door and through hers. When it felt like I might cry for her as well.
Because yes, there's always the odd tiff now and then, the clash of opinions.
But it isn't supposed to be
And as I grew to understand that, things just started making more sense.
How can someone possibly say they love you and then rip you into absolute shreds moments later?
How can someone say they love and then call you a slut, or tell you that you won't ever be a successful actress or that you're being such a child for not wanting to be like the rest of the world?
How can someone say they love you and then take all that's left of you when you barely had any left for yourself anymore?
But well, knowledge doesn't cushion your fall very much.
And sometimes we need to make our own mistakes so that we understand it the way we need to and have to.
In any case, I always believe it'll be a story for the grandkids and the electric fireplace.
That aside, I enjoyed myself today,
and post late-lunch/early dinner thingum saw me heading for Holland V while Diana went off for work.
Went to Diana King's and had some me-time, which I liked very much.
I've had a bit of me-time today, the first dose being my blade-about.
So I rang T today, and it was nice; We enjoyed (relative) alone-time over coffee/green tea frappe together (i think the oxymoron of this is funny, so I keep saying it. haha), while having a wee bit of space in between.
I just hope I don't rack up some kind of insane phone bill for her:/ I'd feel absolutely horrid. Gah!
She sounded happy on the phone today. It's very nice when she sounds like that, it's a bit infectious really.
It's half past three in the morning now, when I started at half past one.
I don't suppose I'll get much packing done,
and there is work tomorrow.
I have missed work.
I have missed work immensely.
I will go stare at plane tickets that won't take me anywhere now.
Goodnight furry people!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It's kinda been more like,
Mommy: baby, what's your schedule like?
Me: Busy, really busy. It's (insert random day of the week) isn't it? Oh God.
Mommy: Okay well what time's your first class?
Me: OH MY WORD! *sits up in bed* WHAT TIME'S MY FIRST CLASS?
Oh, hey wait. uhm. I don't think I've got a first class today after all.
The June hols are round the corner now, and that means...
Actually I'm not entirely sure what that means for me. Lots of sun and sea, preferably and a massive amount of catching up with studies.
Ugh, the streets will be an overwhelming mass of giggly excitable ones, trying on black eyeliner for the first time and trying not to stab themselves with it in the process. I might spend most of June studying indoors or playing chess or even monopoly deal.
this Tuesday morning, I went blading. Again. I've been blading for three days in a row now. hmm, I likey very much.
Ah! Fresh air, the wind in your hair and all that jazz.
This is where Mommy works actually. I love blading there because I love blading on roads, I can't quite stand pavements. And well, it's really safe. Especially in comparison with my 2am race through the empty streets only to be ambushed by sudden bouts of very-awake drivers shooting me dirty looks.
It was a gorgeous hour and a half today and I'm mighty pleased because I wandered into a new area which was quite scenic. So yes, I was a bit lost there, but I don't think it counts as getting lost if the route is scenic and you don't quite mind being in that area for a while more.
I'm heading off to Hong Kong this Thursday and I'm quite, quite excited about it.
I haven't fully made up my mind yet, in regards to a bbm conversation between Bird and I. It's tempting, and I cannot seem to just drop the idea as yet.
But anyhoos, Hong Kong this Thursday, so I'd best get to packing and such.
My room as well as for the trip. And possibly another trip.
My hair's a tad too light (in terms of colour) for my liking right now. Which is incredibly odd since I just went back to what I used last time, having liked it so much.
Mommy's friend figures it might be the change in skin colour.
I hope I don't look too odd now. Let's see what Jessie says tomorrow and if she'd like to fix it, she can be my guest. S'long as she doesn't plan on chopping off my hair, I'm good with whatever she'd like to do. I quite like this long hair thing going on.
Tania's hair length is a nice length. (:
Although, I cannot quite remember from what, to begin with!
Oh this madness, haha.
Lunch will be with Diana in a half hour (uh oh. Charis, do something about your bloody time-keeping will you? Good Lord!)
and I'm quite looking forward to it. I've got a little something for her that I hope she'll like.
'til later darlings!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Often times we say certain things because it's easier;
because listening to the spaces in between words would prove more difficult.
because sometimes, there's nothing else to say.
I miss you, for instance-
I'd smile if anyone told me that, if only just a bit. And I think, more often than we'd like to admit, when you've said it to someone once, it just gets easier and easier to say it everytime.
At the end of a text, let's say,
or after you've finished an activity that didn't involve that other person.
Whether or not you really meant it is an entirely different story.
I'm not saying anyone's been lying or anything,
it's just occurred to me that sometimes people don't really mean all the things they say.
I think I figured this out a few years back. Like, I stopped myself and thought, "Wait a minute, why am I saying Miss You when I don't? Not really anyway." And then I thought for ages about a term that would more aptly describe how I felt or what was on my mind.
And I just started thinking about it again, randomly, some time this evening.
I remember Alastair went off to Perth for like three weeks or something, and well yes, I did think about him and we'd text all of twice during the day or something,
but I distinctly remember enjoying the time I had to myself.
I mean of course I thought about him, and I'm not saying I didn't miss him at all, I did. But just not like, all the time. Because I had errands to run (a lot of it was getting his christmas present sorted anyways. haha) and I liked being able to do that at my own pace, in my own space. I liked being able to do it at all.
And I remember being particularly relieved that he wasn't around because I wouldn't have been able to lie well enough about my whereabouts and then he'd just end up finding out about his own present.
So I don't know why I'd scrawl it all over the place, every chance I got. Things about missing him and just generally sounding like I could not bloody function in his absence.
It's funny, I think.
post-realization has always had me thinking about what I say or type, and being sure I don't say things just for the heck of it.
Sometimes I think if you say things a tad too often, its meaning somewhat diminishes,
or is less so of what it is, if you see what I mean.
And I Miss Yous are very overused I find, which is kind of sad.
But then, so are I Love Yous.
Especially once you've gotten past the initial "Omg, I'm using the word Love."
I think it's a bit of a shame really,
That sometimes people get so used to saying things, or it slips out so thoughtlessly, becoming a replacement for "Goodnight" or "Goodbye" or just other simpler words/phrases that don't mean any less.
I wouldn't like to do that, I wouldn't.
Talk is cheap, we all know that.
But I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, there're things one can say (and truly mean) that'll have another believing.
Because ILoveYous and IMissYous weren't meant for decorative purposes you know.
On the other hand, sometimes you can mean what you say with every bit of you
and then hide behind the screen of overused, i'm-just-saying-this-cos-there's-nothing-else-to-say phrases and words.
Because sometimes that's a little bit easier than feeling like you're out in public when you've forgotten to put on your knickers under that super flowy dress.
C: i know. Haha.
V: but s'long as you're happy now y'know. Just...
C: i am. very.
V: you make me feel all romantic again man.
wrote a letter which i threw away
Find the words to tell you what i had to say
Friday, May 14, 2010
I do feel silly, thinking things like that.
But then I think, sometimes,
just sometimes, you couldn't possibly be anything else.
"This is it. It's going to be gone soon."
"What do we do?"
-- Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, an excerpt.
The God-given ability to feel so fully, so immensely, so intensely and with such childlike abandonement sometimes- for people, for things and for Him.
Smokes and Vanities, my dear.
I might still be stuck in school, wondering why I feel so restless, but never finding it in myself to get out of my seat and start looking for things that might actually make me happy or satisfied.
I would be smokes & vanities, which is to say,
Thursday, May 13, 2010
they remind me of San Francisco.
With its chilly winter air, my freezing hands stuffed into my Berkeley sweatshirt,
and alternating between smoking cognac cigar-ettes and the pack of marlbaro ice I'd brought over from Singapore.
The calm and peace, settled over the city,
"Happy New Year!" being called out randomly by strangers and us yelling back in response.
Hot chocolate and asking to sit outside, when it was just, absolutely freezing out.
The feel of sitting outside the hotel, by myself, taking in everything, in all its brilliance.
Every night should be like the ones you gave me, or at least close to.
I will go to sleep tonight,
and have Soon After Christmas playing on repeat.
and in the quiet shadows of the early morn,
wake to find us tangled, laced,
and the sound of your sleepy smile as i run my nose down your jawline.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday evening, I showered and jumped into something super comfy and then went for a walk in the park.
It had been quite a lovely Monday, come to think of it. I had a delish breakfast in the morning, and the conversation, although it veered to generally untalked-about-topics, was good. And I mean, we can't keep leaving the future-us to deal with stuff all the time now can we?
The afternoon had me rested up while a friend of mine got daddy-time and her iphone! She was mighty pleased, and I always like when my friends are happy. It makes me smile(:
Speaking of which, Vee's finally going to get herself a new cellphone. She has a habit of using her phones until they are literally held together by a dying wire. And I mean LITERALLY.
I had dins in town with the family, and we were all geared up to get our new cellphones when my insides decided to go all weirdo on me. I kinda half thought it'd be something that would pass, except it didn't. It escalated and was just unimaginably unbearable. I've repeated this quite a bit this week (omg it's wednesday already?!), so I won't go on to be super descriptive about the rollar coaster ride my intestines were on.
Long story short,
I ended up in the A&E Monday night, waiting absolute ages to see the doctor. Then I got chucked into the observation ward twice over, spending the night and then got chucked into the EDTU Ward. I still have no idea what that stands for, but I basically had to be kept there for 23 hours, in case it was appendicitis.
I met a couple of doctors who were quite lovely, and some less-than-interested nurses and some who just could hardly hold a proper conversation with either of my parents.
Honestly, I've always secretly wanted to be in hospital.
I figure, it's never looked all that bad, and then you get visitors, sleep, a cool bed, meals served to you and full rights to stay in bed all day reading.
Then I thought, Oh My Word, twenty-three hours? Whaaaaa...t?
And I thought i'd be restless as hell and fidgety and all that, but I wasn't.
The entire stay wasn't half bad, really.
The food was decent, I liked sleeping, the bed was kinda cool and my visitors were all just absolute darlings and constantly feeding my face!
Erika came by with Jafa Vienese(i think?) and my, weren't they yummy! And then Vicky and Victor brought this case of baby macarons and I was just absolutely in looooooove, And then I just kept stealing Vee's cornflaky chocolate thingum which was almost as nice as she was. Then daddy came by a second time, after his meeting with chocolate/cheese/tuna-filled chubcakes from that jollybean shop. And I've always loved chocolate chubcakes.
And then this morning mommy brought Reese's and Daddy came by with more chubcakes and
I HAVE BEEN STUFFED TO THE HILT!
The healthiest visitors I've had were Uncle LyeHeng and Aunty Susan who came by and filled me up with prayers instead. And very filled I was indeed!
So aside from that ever-present pain I was having that never quite went away, lots of needles and an earful of coughing fits from the asthmatic lady in the cubicle across from mine, my stay was pretty decent.
It wasn't the regular ward, with rows and rows of beds and people an arm's length away from you. Naw, it was smaller, better-spaced out ward and I always had my curtains drawn.
I wrote some, and I was on Facebook a bit, but I didn't read at all.
Unless you count a few pages of the Sherlock Holmes that Erika came by with. Except we sort of gave up on that by the fourth page I think.
Not half bad, me thinks, for a first time hospital-stay.
But I suppose if I'd have had to stay ages longer, I might've gotten fidgety. I wasn't allowed to leave the ward at all you see, so my only movement was climbing out of bed, shuffling ten steps to the gross-smelling loo and then shuffling back and climbing into bed again.
All is good now, well, more or less. It's not appendicitis as you can see, and no we don't know what it is or what caused that unbearable pain on Monday night, but I figure it'll right itself and if it doesn't then I'll eventually see myself having another visit where we will finally figure out what's up.
Thank you for the prayers, and the well wishes, and the texts and phonecalls.
I'm better, just super dopey is all.
Bird called the moment she knew, Tuesday morning- and it made me smile, her calling from so far away. And I was thinking,
"My, what drama! She leaves and then I end up in the A&E, what's up with thaaaaaat!"
So I filled her in on details, and by then I was capable of walking about slowly without anyone's help. It was nice, talking to her. I just thought it was a shame that the first phonecall with her started off about being in the hospital. haha.
She says it's cold, even though she's indoors. But I'd rather be cold and bundled up than warm and stuffy and trying desperately to take off more clothes and not feeling any better.(:
She sounds comfy and happy, and for that I am happy too. Very much so in fact!
And it's nice knowing that I'm always being looked out for(:
I think the oddest part about being home right now is how I didn't expect to be away from it for so long. I still have an unwashed plate on my table, for crying out loud. And that's really saying something because in the very least, I'd have put my dirty dishes in the sink before leaving home, unless I expected to be back within the next two, three hours.
I am home, and very dopey and I would like to crawl into bed now.
Erika's flown off already, and I do hope she has the loveliest time while she's in Hong Kong.
I hope she doesn't get lost and that she'll have fun with Urs, even when they do get lost!
I don't think people'll be very keen on jumping out at them considering they'll be carrying around "odd shaped items" in the form of whips.
Vicky and Victor will be off to Aussie to visit Dory this Friday. Well, Thursday more like. It's a conspiracy, this is, to leave me here to mope! RAWR.
So I'll spend most of the night with them on Thursday before they amble off for fucktastic weather.
I'm pretty stoked about going off myself. I haven't been to HK in the summer, so this will be a first for me.
And I am absolutely dying to meet up with Peggy and if possible, Ken and my Godma and all. I never know when I'll next see them, so meeting up with them when I can is pretty something. And I'm looking forward to that.
There's the food too, my word, the food! It's madness.
It'll be a fantastic trip, and if I do all the things I need to do before leaving, then it'll be a very well-earned trip. Which will make the trip itself much better.
So I have things to do now,
and we'll start by sleeping off this dopey-ness first shall we?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
it's already tomorrow isn't it?
Yep, half past.
One of those things I suppose, when it's more like a matter of you being physically incapable of doing anything.
Oh God, how am I going to do this?
Because I miss you already.
Friday, May 7, 2010
a half hour or so where i wrote stuff down in my schedule book.
More for remembrance-sake it seems, these days.
my pointless schedule book. ):
So, breakfast was lovely, although not everyone else's day got off to a good start:/
But then, breakfast being breakfast, and chocolate croissants being chocolate croissants,
there's always a reason to smile, if only just a bit, no?
and then, after feeling bloody sluggish around town with Vicky, and introducing her to the world's best Cinnamon bread, and dropping her off to the screening of her short film,
I waddled off to meet Bird.
And then I wandered about Jason's (I realized the one thing I can never rush is grocery shopping. okay, i don't know if that's entirely true but uhm, for the most part at least).
And I picked up all the stuff I'd need for dinner aaaaaaaaaaaaand
for tomorrow's breakfast.
I made dinner this evening for the family. I got most things down just right, and I think they quite enjoyed it. So I am happy.
You can call me The Girl In The Kitchen!
My name will be up in lights, there will be posters of me! Even though I can't cook to save my life. hahaha.
So the family's all stuffed to the brim, settled for the night and waiting for the morn.
And so am I!
I must say, I quite like the odd Friday mornings here and there indeed(:
We will attempt pancakes, and I will chuck random things in and hope they taste nice. hehehehe.
I'm quite looking forward to breakfast actually, for some reason. (:
I haven't made pancakes in a while I guess, and I've never made them with anybody. The closest that's come is someone watching me make them.
I hope to God that we don't blow up the place! eeeeeek.
But yes, attempts at pancakes and berry-sauce-things while bossanova brings our morning around. How does that not sound like a morning to look forward to?
I will put myself to bed now, and wait for the time warp.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
But all the same,
how do I watch you pick up your bags and walk through those glass doors-
when you have made up half of my time spent in Singapore,
when you have made up the entire space of time in this country when I was actually happy,
when you have always just been seconds away from me at every single turn and corner and bump in the road?
You've made up so much of my life.
I wanted to say you've made up so much of my life here, except I realized that more than that, you really have made up so much of my life.
The crying, the learning, the failings, the fall-outs, the picking up, the letting down, the firsts, the lasts- you have been there, even without realizing it.
And it's unfathomable right now, picturing days we won't spend poking around the cereal section in grocery stores, or hearing you be a massive baby now and then, or even hearing you laugh like mad.
Mostly, I am happy and excited for you. Truly, I am.
And I know for sure we'll see each other again, we will.
But I guess, right now I'm kind of just stuck on missing you a bit, and I'm sorry I'm being such a sap.
In any case,
breathe in the fresh air of new life, take pictures and write.
Most of all, be happy.
Please, please, be happy.
I love you so incredibly much, and I hope you have a swell time, and that you get where you need to be.
Look after yourself, and know that we're just a phonecall away. Always.
I will stop being sappy now, because you're going to have so much fun!
And I am excited for you(:
Besides, we've got the summer of 2011, our names spraypainted all over it.
And we, all four of us, we'll take it by storm.
and we're grounded because of each other, even though we might not be rooted to a single place
Absolutely nothing. Because everything that has ever happened to me, that I have ever done -whether impulsively or with a lot of thought- makes up who I am now. And I wouldn't be here, feeling the things I do, or responding to things and people the way I do, if it weren't for what I've been through.
I might choose to have appreciated Autumn more when it came round, instead of running back to familiarity. But well, chances will come round again, and then I'd have learnt to love more, to appreciate, to be thankful.
U are very pretty! Ok here's one...would u give up singing to have any other musical talent that u wanted?
hmmmm, that's a good question(:
Noooope, I don't believe I would. Because at least with singing, I don't have to lug something around with me all the time. It's a tad difficult to cram an entire piano into your handbag sometimes, you know? And because it's something that makes me happy, and comfy at random times of the day, I like not having to go about looking for my instrument in order to zone out and take myself away from the world for a bit(:
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
--Alice, Alice In Wonderland
If you're dreaming, and you ask someone in that dream whether or not this is, in fact, a dream,
that person would tell you it isn't.
And it's less of a conspiracy than it sounds, I'm sure.
that sort of happens in real life too, doesn't it?
I've found myself in a bit of a strange place. I'm much less floaty as compared to a couple of months back, which is good I suppose.
But I also feel like I'm supposed to know exactly where things are and what's going on. Like, didn't I know exactly where the parsley was, and the can of sauce? And when it turns up, it's not even in a place I have any memory of.
It scares me a bit.
I don't need everything to be just so, but I do have very organized mess. I know exactly where my things are and where they would be if they weren't where they're supposed to be.
And then I go to a cupboard in my kitchen, open it up, and feel like I ought to ask somebody what they've got in there that I can use.
It's frightfully odd, frankly speaking.
So bits and pieces of life, the bits we skim over, push out of our minds and leave the future-us to deal with, it's starting to catch up.
And that's the only thing I can blame, for this strange mood I've been in, the last couple of days.
I could very much have done with a smoke and a couple of drinks last night after dinner with The Little Creature, but, Fridays being Fridays,
I somehow saw myself crawling into bed at half eleven.
Between then and about half two in the morning I dozed mid-text, waking periodically to find I'd typed in absolute rubbish but wanting very much to find the words I needed, to send that single text.
It was most strange though, because can't text messages wait til the morning, if I'm falling asleep? But my body and brain seemed adamant on me arranging my words onto that tiny screen and pressing that green button before it'd let me curl up and hope I didn't sound like a complete fool.
Okay, digression over.
Bits and pieces of life, did I say?
People leaving, best friends leaving, and not just the country, mind you.
The whole thing with Ann na, it popped up again recently. It makes me quite sad, come to think of it. But there isn't anything we can do, really.
I don't suppose she even knows that Bird and I are leaving this year.
We must've done something pretty bad for her to want to cut the four of us out of her life, but I can't think what. I certainly did not see any possibility of never seeing/hearing from her again, the last time we talked.
It's sad, and I miss her. But it's not like we can do anything.
And Bird, her departure date just freaking turned up, just like that!
I'm sure she'll be back now and then, but I mean, with three out of four of us out of the country, we're not always going to time our returns, are we? And honestly speaking, it's so unlikely for me to come back, even for visits, because I'm already with family.
Then when V gets her little tushie out of her, good God! We'll need to pick a random spot in the world to meet up, won't we darlings?
We'll figure something out for sure, I know we will.
But the whole idea of all these big steps towards the rest of our lives, it's quite daunting.
This isn't the end of it either actually.
There're heaps of other things I've kept from mind, or just deliberately blocked out because I refuse to sit down and dissect it all.
I always do that. Sit down, reason, tear things apart and put it back together so I know what's happening, what things are made of. But just this once, I don't seem to be doing that very much.
We'll cross the bridge when we get there, is what I think.
Future-me will probably have more brains to handle all the thoughts and feelings and words running amok.
Meanwhile, I will just sit and sip on my tea.
Saturday is here, and it feels quite nice, really.
There's tidying up to do though, Little Creatures to feed and glasses of port to pour every half hour or so(:
I'm heading for the premiere of Big Girl later on, hopefully with The Little Creature as my hot date. teehee.
And then there's dinner,
and special places that you absolutely must see, and which I hope you'll like when you do.
Light, it comes around and I
find my fingers running over
my dreams from last night