Wednesday, September 30, 2009

gonna make some noise!

Being the very lazy sort, I don't upload pictures much. But here you go!
They're quite outdated. Well, not the kitties!

Fishbone looks bigger than Buttons here!

I think this is one of my favourite pictures of Victor.
His eyes look super peeeerdy(:


Mr Chee, The Pharmacist who disappears from earth for months at a time!

My plans this week, my detailed scheduling, got fucked over.
But well, I'm skipping around it and hanging out.
It's not half bad.

Okay that was a lie. It is really bad but when shit hits the fan you just have to freaking deal with it.
SOOOOO rehearsals like, four times this week. On top of the hundred million things that I had to do in preparation of mommy's birthday.
I'm super duper UBER excited though!

Can't waaaaaait.

So I'm listening to this freaking old mixed cd that Bird gave me back when we were eleven. It brings back nice memories. I took it with me when I went to LA for the first time and I had it on replay the ENTIRE trip.
I actually missed Singapore and missed being on the phone with bird and talking about rubbish. And the cd was like, my link to Singapore.

Funniest thing was, when I got back, the cd reminded me most of LA because I kept playing it.
So then I kept playing it to relive my memories.

I spent today, my only completely free day this ENTIRE week tidying up the living room.
So I did major major clean up, vacuumed and even took the sofa skin off to wash it!
So if you've seen my dinky place before (complete with clutter and dustbunnies attacking each other), you're in for a surprise. On the other hand, do bear in mind that the place is small and there's only a finite number of places to cram stuff into. So clean and tidy might not necessarily be the same as your idea of spotless and perfect.
OCD kicked in (again) and well, I'm not that satisfied with today's work but mommy says it's just fine and looks tonnes neater. Well lets hope that's true.

At the same time, with the amount of alcohol I'm laying out for you people on Friday,
trust me, you're gonna think my place is brilliant and cool because the floor spins when you stand up.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

I fear this anger will eat me alive

There are things we all feel strongly about.

for me, it's animal abuse.
I'm so shaken, so upset, so incredibly, disturbingly, overwhelmingly angry at this person for doing such a thing that if given have a chance, I wouldn't murder him, no.
I would spend days in immense happiness as I put him through slow and unbearable torture.

Do not tell me that I only equate myself with him. I don't need to hear that.
For someone to treat an animal like that, they do not deserve pity or second chances. They deserve to be skinned alive, their fingernails yanked out with a plier, one by one. Salt poured on their skinless body, boiling water poured over them (long after the salt of course) and then thrown into a bucket of red ants.

That animal did not bother you. It did not seek you out to beg kindness of you. You went out of your way to hurt it. And for that, you deserve the most unimaginable kind of torture anyone is capable of putting you through.
I hate you.
I know it doesn't mean a sodding thing to you, and you don't know me from a hole in the wall.
But I hate you.
And I have such an intense loathing for you and your despicable actions that i will need the number of a fucking good lawyer if I am ever to meet you face to face.

You are disgusting.
You are pond scum. No, lower.
You are the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum.
How can anyone like you ever deserve to live?

If it were up to me, i'd do the exact same thing to you

Ner just sent me the most shocking video, ever!
It involves these boys coaxing a tiny, frightened kitten out from a car and stroking it. Now I thought they were being nice. I get so sad when strays run away from me because they're scared I'll hurt them.
So this kitten got coaxed out, got stroked and petted, and then one of the guys kicks it with such full force (plus he was wearing basketball shoes) that the kitten flies a couple of meters and slams right into a CONCRETE wall, afterwhich it scampers off.

I do not understand this.
It's not just simply a case of being unkind or mean because it's there. They deliberately and purposefully went out of their way to coax the tiny kitten out from under the car, video the entire thing and then send it flying a few metres at full force.
How? How do people go out of their way to be so cruel? So incredibly fucking cruel!?

I'm not internet whiz, but if someone, anybody out there reading this knows how, could you please somehow save the video? I don't know, download it or something.
I've reported it to IC3, which forwards the reports to whichever jurisdiction it falls under. At the same time, I want to report abuse to facebook. However, once I do that, the content will be flagged, the video removed and the evidence gone.

I'm not being a drama queen here, and this may all seem over the top. But please, if you know of any way to save the video and get a copy for yourself, please do it and send it to me.

It seems so incredibly impossible for such assholes to exist. And I hope he gets fined and his bastardy anus thrown in jail for doing such a thing.
Go get someone to send you flying against the wall if it gives you such a fucking thrill. You go ahead and have that done to you.
Why do it to such an innocent, helpless little thing?

You disgust me, Marvin Morvan.

btw, you can find him on facebook and youtube.
I'm not like, saying you should bombard him with insults and curses and death threats, but you know, what you do in your free time ain't none of my business.

and please God, won't those happy places find me again?

The smell of coffee, the beeping of cars. School bells going off and the sound of metal shutters as they roll up and slam against the top of the frame.

One morning, I will forget to wake up.
My cat will need to be fed, my dustbin will need to be emptied out.

But there will still be the smell of coffee, the beeping of cars. School bells going off and the sound of school shoes slapping against concrete pavement as they run to the gate. Shops will open, my cat will call and morning cigarettes will be lit. Briefcases will snap shut, and makeup bags zipped close. Folders will fall, scattering its contents while high heels and shiny black shoes walk briskly past.

One morning,
I will forget to wake up.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I am a happy happy kitty today!
And happy kitties feel happier because they get cat-naps! So I'm going off for my cat nap before I tell you aaaaall about my lovely, very fruitful day at home.

ooooh meeeeow!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I have you in my life,

and that's more than enough for me.

I don't think anyone ever makes promises with the intent to break them.
And I wish knowing that made it all hurt less.
I think for the moment you two were, you were truly in love with her.
I don't know what made you stop, or when you decided that she wasn't enough for you.
but maybe it's nicer to remember when you really did feel that she was more than enough for you.
a time when you'd tell her Love always, and that you were truly hers.

Even though now, it's just another broken promise.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Falling asleep to Gary Schnitzer

So today wasn't too bad. I got to see my youngest sister again after a couple of months.

Fishbone ripped into me a couple of times so now my thumb hurts like a bitch.
At one point today, while daddy was strapping Abigayle into her carseat, he saw a pinkish scratch on her tiny leg.
"Aiyoh!" He went, "How'd she get this! It's quite bad! did you put cream on it?" This directed towards my stepmom of course.
I looked at my thumb, with it's dry-bloodied scratch and felt a weird sort of pain that I can't name. It's not that I don't think my daddy loves me, and of course, I'm much too old to expect kisses on my booboos. I guess it's just that I haven't had my daddy do that to me for too long a while.

Came home to dinner and misunderstandings. Played DOA with The Little Creature. Laughed, argued, made up.

In a year from now, I won't be here anymore.
But then, when I think about all that I'm trying to get sorted out en route, it's tiring.
It's tiring because I'm aware of how maybe, I can't expect my parents or at least my daddy, to help me out with University fees. He's got children of his own now.

It's tiring, because I wonder what will become of my life, my dreams and the plans that I've sketched out in my journal.
I sat in my daddy's Lexus, big but not big to fit a big family. There's another on the way, and it was a car perfect for a perfect little family.
Both parents and two children, maybe even the domestic help.
I realized that, I didn't fit into it. Not even if I tried really really hard.

For a while now I've wondered if I'll ever get to build a life that I will actually fit into. It's not that I'm not happy with my own. But it gets tiring looking at something that's supposed to be yours and knowing it isn't.

I'm not gunning for perfection, or the all-american family with the perfectly mowed lawn. I'm already happy. But I think, even if I don't get to ever have it, I want my children to feel like their life was built for just for them. The worn couch, the telly with the chip where they tipped it over when they were five. I don't want them to feel like the life that was supposed to be theirs got taken away, and have them watch half siblings live in a life that could've, would've been theirs.

Anyway, I honestly didn't mean to start on this rant. Apologies.
It's eleven, and I've to be up for work.
Gary Schnitzer's Rhapsody is playing on repeat and I'm going to go snuggle into my freshly changed sheets now.

Goodnight, all you happy people.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

unhelpful assholes need to SHOVE IT.

seriously? Like, oh my word, seriously?

Clearly this girl needed help. She even said she couldn't seem to find anything online. If you do not have any help to offer, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It's not like she was asking something stupid either!

I don't understand. Clearly you don't have the answers. So if you don't, then just DON'T FUCKING REPLY. Why you gotta be so mean for?
Fucking twit. Ought to go die.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

when the second hand smoke clears up...

I think sometimes we get so caught up with all that we don't have, with all that is just out of our reach, with all our limitations, that it becomes so incredibly difficult to see what we do have.

It's not that we're ungrateful, or that we don't know how to appreciate what we have. It's just that it gets difficult when you've set your sights on something and it keeps getting further and further away just as you swim close enough to touch it.
I'll admit, it's so much easier to let this frustration eat you up from the inside out.
But when you just force yourself to freeze, and think about what you already have and what you already have achieved, it becomes easier to breathe again. It becomes easier to continue trying to move towards whatever it is that keeps slipping away from the tips of your fingers.
It becomes easier to believe.

But then, I do wonder, how long before you give up entirely? How long before you think that, maybe you're never meant to reach that goal?
It's a painful thought. And sometimes I think, maybe it'll save me so much more heartache if I just, backtrack a little bit and focus on something that I already have.

They always say, never take your eyes off the goal.
They always say, that it doesn't matter how long it takes you, as long as you never stop.
But they also say, that if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be.

So then, what you're left with, is pretty much nothing. Just crappy advice that "they" pass off as inspirational messages.

I'm a strong believer in getting what you want. In making it work out, because if you're doing something you love, it is going to be so, so worth it.
Yet it's hard to sing that same tune when you find yourself in the middle of it all and unable to get from point A to point B.

So I think for right now, it's okay to stop, sip my Choya and look around at what I already have. Rather than thrash towards the "YOU HAVE MADE IT" sign that keeps moving away.
I think for right now, it's going to be okay.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Study In Singapore Today!

that's what the ad says.

"We help you choose the right path in your education pursuit. Free itouch."

clearly most people are more interested in the free bloody itouch. hahahah

You're my crack of sunlight

It's the moment of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist
It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
We only spun the web to catch ourselves
So we weren't left for dead

I'm not dead, just floating.

A school wraps up this week, another next week and yet another, the week after.
I wonder if I'll have time for me. Not really me, because I get enough me-time. But more like, for my stuff. I can't seem to get anything done.

Lord, help me.

I keep talking about all that I'm looking forward to in the States. School, living with Buttons, studying full time again. And I have to remind myself time and time again that none of that's gonna happen if I keep on procrastinating and doing fuckshit about my Associate's Degree.
Then I scare myself shitless and I still don't do anything.

They say it doesn't matter how slow you move, as long as you never stop.
Well bugger all, I've stopped. And I've stopped for a fucking unbelievably long amount of time. But with all the schools, the wrapping up, the grading, I tell myself I need more time.
But do I really?
Or am I just making excuses for myself again?

Monday, September 14, 2009

it's a long long time til morning, so build your fires high

It was a lovely lovely weekend although it did start out with a tonne of running about like mad.
But it was relaxing because it was as far away from city life as you could possibly get.

The september holidays weren't much of a holiday, to be honest.
Especially so because the whole second half of last week was spent working and then we're back into work this week after the weekend. I'm not complaining, because it was like that for everyone else at work too, but you know, it wasn't a holiday-holiday.

We've begun on the beginning of the end which is the beginning of new beginnings and you must know that I am secretly trying incredibly hard to flummox you with beginning to begin on a large rant about beginning of endings and beginnings of beginnings.

What this means, in please-talk-to-me-like-a-human-bean-language is (side note: I think the phrase human bean *derived from Singaporeans funn pronunciation* is quite funny because you're either a human or a bean you can't possibly be both can you?) digression over! where was I?
Oh yes, in Human Bean Language, this means that we've started grading the kids and started buying foodies to give them when we say goodbye and promise to never see them again. Although that promise might be broken because we'll see them again when they're all grown up and we'll be like, "Lord boy! How's you get so darn tall?"

The beginning of beginnings is this:
I'm working on two new plays now! YAY ME!
As i've probably ranted about before, I've been missing acting like a whoooole lot. One of my major projects this year was Safeville and I absolutely loved it.
But I haven't done stage in a while and I'm just insanely in love with the stage and theatre productions and lights and sound and beginning a talking tree! So I've been getting awfully homesick): poor me!

But weeeeell, I've started working on one with Hougang care Centre. If you're wondering why that sounds familiar, it's because it's a rehab centre for clients fresh out of Institute of Mental Health and my mother works there.
In fact! She's in on this too! She's the protagonist and I am the anti-protagonist.
I am acting as her daughter! TAH DAH.

As all their scripts are, this is based loosely on a true story. This time however, it's a bit sadder than the others. Not because the patient (played by mommy) never gets well but because you see the strain on the family and how it really reaches into your gut and rips out all that you have inside you.
Playing the daughter is difficult with mommy acting as my mother. She plays the part so beautifully, heartwrenchingly that you just feel like such a wretch, yelling at her like that. It always comes with emotional drainage, I'll admit.
But I am always sure to hug her right afterwards and cuddle a bit(:

So we're getting along slowly, but surely. In fact, I've to go off for rehearsals later. Although I'm quite tired and I was running a temperature all through class this morning. (It was very bad actually)

I'd best be off now! Want to squeeze in a wink or two, a smoke or six and a couple of drinks. Or a couple dozen.
Plus, I am very full of shit! Like literally!
I need fibre.

cheerio darlings!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Goodnight, August

It's a day of sad songs on repeat, watery eyes and silence. Just cold, cold silence.
But I've indulged in far too much self-pity and self-loathing.

It's a day to remember and imagine, but importantly,
to take a deep breathe of fresh air.

Monday, September 7, 2009

building resentment


I hate it. With it's stupid rules and restrictions and "Of course you can do this! (only if it's vetted by half a million people with a pimple in their asshole)".
Fifteen years and I don't feel like I can or like I want to hold on very much longer.

Okay, well. It's just because today's one of those days where I'm really missing home and missing my family and missing everything that I do not have here. And to top it off, it doesn't help when you've never felt like you're welcome.
Not when I first arrived (and they claimed my accent was a barrier), not now when people tell me that I am just so pretty if only I weren't so darn fat.
I love my friends to bits, but this is not a nice place to live in. Not in the least.

If I had it my way, I'd whisk all my friends and their family (those random people on facebook who added me cos we're from the same school don't count) to a lovely mountainous area. And then promptly build walls around this island.
Doesn't make sense for bad blood to breed, after all.

Everytime I start on rants like these, it amazes me how unsingaporean my friends are. And how I absolutely love them for it.

I'm sad. I really miss LA. I really miss my family. And I really really miss feeling such pure joy and excitement at waking up every single day. To feel like my day's been made just because cars actually let you go first (even though it's quite the norm), to have sales assistants say "Honey, my name's Jane, just yell out if you need my help okay?"
To hear, "Sweetie, you're a bit small for this, I don't think you're going to fit into an M."

To walk around and not feel like you need to rush along because everyone's always rushing the fuck around (even on the escalators!). Sitting down in cafes and looking out at pigeons, as happy as clams. Walking around the houses and have neighbours call out and wave to you. To not have people tut and sigh and moan in your fucking ear just because you stalled at an entrance for 0.0000823 seconds.
To feel like you fit in.

I miss it so much. The coats, the weather, the cold noses and popsicle feeties. The yoghurts even though it's freezing out, the old man playing his harmonica on the corner of the street, the squirrels that dart across the yard and the huge roses in bloom that you find in the bushes right outside your door.

When I tell you I want to bring you there, bring you around to all these places, you have no idea how much I mean it. You have no idea all the mental pictures I've taken and cropped you into. It is so breathtakingly beautiful over there. Not because there aren't alot of cars and exhaust fumes flying about. Not because there aren't your fair share of rude people who haven't had sex in 93792408038 trillion years.
But because despite all that, people still smile. And there are still nice people around. And on top of that,
it's far far far away from a tiny island that thinks it's the world.