Thursday, January 31, 2008
how, when you ask someone online how they're doing, you think nothing of them replying
"Great. How about you?"
Except, when i replied that, i was feeling the exact opposite.
I'm sorry, i lied.
(psst. i'm sorry darling)
But then, it wasn't all that bad afterall.
Because instead of having to talk about it and all that rubbish, for a while, i was laughing and smiling at these insane ideas we were coming up with.
Like, random bullshit.
And for a while, it really was okay. It really was.
I should go for a walk and study.
But then, it's so late.
When i say it's so late, i'm implying that, even though i just got up from my nap a couple of hours ago, i'm headachey enough to crawl into bed again.
Besides, then i won't feel hungry.
Well actually, i don't feel hungry now. I think my body's used to not eating dinner already.
Shouldn't i rest more considering my long day ahead?
work ends at five, with rehearsals starting at six.
Those will end pretty late for sure.
Tomorrow's thursday, which means the one day that mom's back home early.
Then again, she's quite unlikely to talk to me anyway.
okay, shutting up
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
to see if i was alive or dead.
Unfortunately, I found, to my shock, that i was still very much alive.
i've officially gone five days without having dinner.
After this long sleep i had today, i've woken up headachey and nauseous.
Tomorrow is such an incredibly, insanely long day.
Oh gosh, i don't know how i'll survive, it seems quite impossible.
My day starts at about half past nine and finishes way after.
i feel ready to give up):
I'm very upset right now.
Maybe because i was so utterly disappointed with my test results.
It's like, out of everything, couldn't i have done at least one thing right;
I know i sound mad right now, just ignore me.
I'm suddenly very close to tears, and the weird thing is, i don't even know why.
I've been crying on and off for close to the past hour.
at random stuff that victor or alastair says.
How very very weird.
I need to get out of the house for a bit.
I want to study, read, cross-stitch,
Dying would be particularly good,
or getting into an accident! I've always loved hospitals.
Dying is an art.
I do it exceptionally well. - Sylvia Plath
That's what i'm supposed to be doing, trying to be doing.
It's normal, that people my age fight with their parents and go for months refusing to talk to them.
It's normal, that people my age change boyfriends/girlfriends as fast as they change their undies.
It's normal, that people my age worry about their O level grades and think about their next major step in life.
It's normal, that people my age look for jobs to fill their time and then boast to their friends about earning $5 an hour.
But if it's so normal, why does fighting with my parents and going more than twenty-four hours without speaking to my mom mean that it's a really really bad thing?
I can't be bothered to talk about the rest either.
How strange, no?
Least I think it is.
Mommies call their kids special, in this case.
Sometimes it's a tad far off normality for my liking. Don't get me wrong on that though, if you know me you know how i'm screaming to be different all the time.
That "I wouldn't be comfortable unless i were distinctive".
But just so you know, it gets me now and then.
Like my baby sister saying to me,
"Jie, why don't you go to a normal school like everyone else?"
And me wondering, why are THOSE referred to normal schools? Just because everyone wants to go there?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
That day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed to find what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn't notice it because
That day, the day the saucers came, by some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because
On the saucer day, which was the zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-man's nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mind could hold, and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out
But you did not see them coming because
On the saucer-zombie-battling gods day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across the land, and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because
That day, the saucer day the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day, the day the great winds came
And snows, and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And all the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of the Time Machine day,
You didn't notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your telephone,
wondering if I was going to call
I am so insanely in love with this poem. It is brilliant beyond brilliant and just too beautiful for words.
I want to scream because it's so wonderful.
He must be gay, to know. No?
At the time, it was all i wanted; just to believe.
And i did.
making it beautiful.
Chris laughed once, after he said that to me too.
And he said, he didn't understand why people would say that.
Because everyone knows you'd just carry on living, without that other person.
No matter how special it was between those two people, for however long.
Of course, you would never think that;
Never be so cynical, the first time you hear those words.
Instead you blush profusely, giggle to yourself and wonder to yourself,
how it is possible that you can feel the exact same way too.
And the thing is, you really do feel that way.
Really, honestly cannot imagine, what it'd be like without the other person.
This cloudy, unfathomable unwanted possible future.
Then you learn.
Yet strangely, a part of me still believes it sometimes.
And so, i still use this phrase, though only if i mean it.
I only say things if i mean it (unless i'm joking and you're supposed to like, get it).
Like, sometimes i'm struck wondering, what in the world would i do,
without mommy or janice or daddy,
vicky, victor, enqing, bird even alastair.
You wonder how you lived before them.
"i don't know what i'd do without you. at all"
I didn't either,
You're doing pretty damn good without me aren't you sweetie?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Baby, I'm missing you already and I don't know when the fuck i'll see you again.
There's so much about you i should have treasure and kept close to me, and i didn't.
I hate that.
But i do love you and want to see you like, damn fucking soon
i suppose we all had our emotions stirred.
It's been too long a day for me;
Too lonely, too sad. Too filled with time to think about things i don't know if i want to think about.
But facts are facts, Dory baby's gone.
Facts are facts, nothing good comes from distance close enough to hurt.
How strangely childish,
never thought i'd find myself back here in this time and place.
With so few to understand.
I've managed to talk about the main thing bothering me.
Which makes it easier to bear with, because you can talk about it;
You can put words to it.
The problem is when you can't.
The heart shaped glass, empty, still stands on my table.
Your memories flood me and i wonder where i stand, if i stand in your life at all.
I wanted to talk, i really did.
About everything, and nothing at all.
You weren't there for me though, but then, no one is.
I'd be fucked if not for baby vee and Ann.
Thank God for them
Sunday, January 27, 2008
With luck, the crowd could have easily hidden you from him and prevented this awkwardness. No such luck today.
The wife draws closer and smiles graciously.
Of course, she has won. You notice that he is carrying her green bag. He had disdained carrying your bag. He had hated green.
People change over time, you guess.
It has been a while since the break-up, since he told you that he has unresolved commitment issues. You can't help but confront the bate fact now: He didn't not want to get married. He just didn't want to marry YOU.
"How are you, sweetie? I..." he starts and stops, aware of his slip of the tongue. The wife stops smiling.
You are at a loss for words.
You suppose you could tell him that you have been busy. You are taking a part-time course because there is nothing much to look forward to after work. Studying gives you a goal, something to distract your mind from the crippling loneliness that grips you every night.
Or you could tell him that you are thrilled. You have finally published your first book, the one he once spent hours dreaming about and discussing with you. Sales figures may not be phenomenal, but the satisfaction is immense.
Yes, you are still writing relationship theories that you don't practise.
You could tell him that you are bewildered. You are bewildered about how love works, how he could fall in love again so quickly, and how indifferent to each other's lives both have become since his marrigae.
He could not even begin to understand your emotional conflict when he met you a day before his wedding to say he was having second thoughts and you urged him stoically to deliver his promise to her, when all you really wanted was to have him back.
You could tell him you are recovering.
You have reached that safe steady equilibrium between hope and hopelessness. You are dating casually again. You could tell him that on the day of the break-up, ou stood on the verandah of your flat, watching your tears drip into nothingness and wishing the rest of you could disappear too.
You could tell him that you stood at the verandah again the following days until time healed you. This sort of wound never goes away completely. It takes only a moment to fall in love with people but a lifetime to forget them.
You could tell him that, no matter how many mobile phones you've changed, you still kept your favourite sms from him, the one that reads:
"Luv u swtie. Ignore yr critics n run wif yr dreams".
You could tell him that, contrary to what he thinks, you don't hate him, don't think he is a selfish devil. You understood that, like you, he is guilty of being too much of a human being.
You could also tell him that, sure, sometimes you wish he never existed, never cared about you. But most times, you are thankful that he loved you (at least you believe he did).
But you don't say that. Not at all. You steel yourself and say: "Fine, thank you. I gotta run."
And you ran. You ran past the mall exit, past two red traffic lights.
And past the reach of hurt.
One way or another.
We were unfortunate enough to be born,
To love, and therefore, hurt.
There is no way out, fool.
You're living to die.
If you're lucky, you get to pick.
At the end of the day, there isn't a point.
There never has been to begin with.
It's like playing chess with the computer,
thinking you've got a rat's ass chance of winning when in actual fact, you don't.
If the computer could laugh, it would.
Someone's laughing at you right now.
Because you think that something good will come out of your feelings.
Give up now-
Saturday, January 26, 2008
unless you're signed into your own account, you can't read.
not that you'd really want to go through all that trouble anyways.
well well, Thank God it's Friday!
Well, Saturday already judging by the time.
I've just started on my first assignment of the year meaning that it's due in two weeks.
In case you think that my school is incredibly slack and a complete breeze, you're completely and utterly wrong.
To start off with, I've to submit an essay with the use(and expansion of) generalization, which is one of my topics. Write an expository something or another about completely random topics all this, only based on what i can get by myself out of the textbook.
Apparently some aren't in the best of moods, giving me the first push for my emotional pendulum.
I'm desperate for my alone time now, Thank God for tomorrow.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
too much of a reminder it was (this being a random blog post of a random aquaintance)
and i give up
i'm telling you,
i completely and utterly give up.
no more guy things
and random flings
running mascara from self-piteous tears
I haven't the time, space or energy.
go away, you bad memories you!
Stop haunting me in my bare-wakefulness
I hate you, don't you see?
Thought i could love you but your memory irks me no end.
more than the last, if you must know.
Go away, because i don't want to remember.
i hate that,
there's come to be quite a few things about myself that i'd rather not remember.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I really should go to bed now though because i've got work tomorrow. sighsighsigh.
I am however, looking at something a tad bit different, though teaching all the same. We'll see how it goes because i very much enjoy the flexibility that i have right now.
Yet at the same time, this job that i'm looking at is well, what i want to do for like, the rest of my life. You know, for real.
I need sleep, like seriously.
And i'm looking forward to a fab dinner tomorrow, with my new handbag too!
Enough of my baseless fluffy rubbish talk. GOODNIGHT
Sunday, January 20, 2008
You, who's caught my tears in painted bottles,
counted each drop and kept them on shelves.
And won't You free me, please.
From the world and its claws,
myself and my flaws.
Save me from the vines that wrap themselves round my throat, clutching desperately like i've clawed desperately at things i knew to be meaningless.
In the stillness i just might find You.
Find You to be waiting-
At the end of the tunnel, on the edge of the water,
where there is safety, while i stand unsteadily on this creaking bridge.
Waiting for me to come to You.
When i thought You'd left me,
You only ask why i didn't follow
In the stillness i know i'll find You.
Hands outstretched to take mine,
arms strong to provide
a security i've been desperate to find.
Something you do on purpose, knowing it isn't necessarily the best thing but you want to do it to say, "I've done this, and all by myself."
Maybe i'm just crying for a change.
Dying to scream and needing to cry.
More than anything, needing someone to hold me really really tight.
Good Morning- by Charis Vera
Take each day as it comes girl, though i truly am overwhelmed by more than just work. More than just the simple lack of time.
Strange; If only it were no more than that.
Prone to crying and being sensitive to oh, i don't know, every other thing. Good or bad or whatever.
It wasn't the best day of my life though there were, as always, perks.
Thank You Enqing for the lovely, insanely gorgeous, fantastically wonderful drawing which has my name included in it((:
When i look at that part, I'm reminded of you saying "I can just like, crochet the lace in like that lor" for some reason. haha.
As of now, it's looking very sweet in a pretty pink frame. I know black would look infinitely better. Or brown even, but pink was the only one i had.
I Am Legend is a wonderful, fantabulous show. However, i won't ask you to watch it because you might not think the same. It somehow isn't every one's cup of tea.
While you might scoff at the foolishness of him talking to mannequins, i'm curled up in my seat, crying at how sad it is and how wonderful it is that there is a movie that, in such a plain and simple way, has managed to pull mercilessly at my heartstrings.
I loved it. Every moment of the show. And i cried a lot too. It was, to put it simply and not really doing it much justice, beautiful.
I'm a tad off-balance right now.
I keep feeling like crying at random and i'm quite upset at something that i read.
Except, i can't quite talk about it with anybody.
I am drained, so very drained.
I can't deal with my life right now.
So before i throw myself off the thirteenth story, i'll say goodnight.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Today, like most days of my life recently, was incredibly hectic.
You see, i have this horribly recurring problem;
My schedule is almost always packed back to back to back, either that or i have an entire day free, either THAT or i've got stupid random three hour spaces in between one programme and another.
Those annoy me sometimes, though it does calm me down somewhat. Just having tea with myself and reading and for once, not rushing about.
But it's tough to do that you see, bang in the middle of a back to back schedule.
The photoshoot with Shutter Bug for February's issue of DNA magazine went just fine though it was longer than i expected. As a result, we missed the reception of Donna's art exhibition (Non Sense at SMU).
I met Enqing all the same, after he was done shopshopshopping and i was done with my shoot.
Then we walked (and ate jaffa cakes too, thaaaaaank yooooooou!) and finally found our way into the exhibition where we only properly looked at two pieces.
One being Donna's installation and another being a roomful of pictures but which i thought was absolutely fantabulous.
Having been delayed more than an hour, we got to Enqing's place close to ten i think.
I felt awful, cos everyone seemed like they were busy heading off to bed. And i felt like we were keeping the entire block awake, more than just his entire family.
Anyway, we practiced a whole bunch before i said my goodbyes and we headed off for dimsum which was like, my first meal of the day. hahaha
Now i'm sitting in front of Heather, with a face mask on and freezing half to death.
i've to be up early tomorrow.
Weekend? Yea Right.
Don't seem to be much of a difference really.
A million and one things to do.
PS: I LOVE YOU VEEEKTOR and i'm glad i didn't lose you today. I'd just have dropped dead too):
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I got home at quarter to ten tonight and ate my first meal of the day. Wonderful.
Today's been incredibly draining indeed.
Now my head's ringing, i'm tired, and my little korean girl's started school which means her tuition has to be earlier starting tomorrow.
Which means i have to leave the house at eight in the bloody morning. I'd change the timings but i can't, really.
gotta start the driving plan asap.
I think the killer today was rehearsals. We did two full runs which absolutely killed me and then, that completed, i went for the recording of the song.
Hope i'll get it soon!
i feel like i'm dying.
Long day tomorrow which includes, early morning class, photoshoot, art exhibition (Donna's!)
followed by practice.
i'm gonna go jump off my building now
After seeing her a few times, I found myself thinking of her all night.
Every single day, every minute.
I'd look at my watch and wonder what she was doing, at that precise moment.
I liked her. I liked her very much, but I didn't tell her.
I wanted to tell her. All the words and scenarios were inside my head, but when I saw her, they just left me.
When I spent my first week in the army, she wrote me a letter. I was really really happy because I'd never received mail from girls before.
Then one day, she just left the University. Left, and never came back.
I had her address, I knew where she lived, but I just let it be.
Ten years later, we happened to meet.
I told her then, that I really loved, i mean liked, liked her. She said she wished I told her before.
I asked her if she knew though, and she said she did. Then I asked why she left without a word. She told me that she needed to do something strong and decisive. She was worried about graduating, her career and earnings. She couldn't wait; I didn't tell her earlier.
By the time we met, she had a daughter and a son. My feelings for her hadn't changed.
It's okay, so we're just friends.
"Gosh that's so sad!"
(Laughs) No it's not. It's not sad. It's good memories.
"But you guys could be married now or something!"
No no, I am happy now. (Laughs)
I was this, the Beautiful Disaster.
Evol, like the weird evil except pronounced in a cartoon villian way, is Love spelt backwards.
oh i don't know, really.
I had a lovely class today, where the main part of our conversation centred around this very topic.
Love is the first thing, but then to follow it is responsibility.
Responsibility to each other.
You swear, in front of the church and God, to love each other, for a very long time.
Forever. Until you die.
Emotions are moving (changing).
Emotions are moving, that's the problem!
You can love someone. Love someone with all your heart.
But at this particular moment when you're lonely, you'd think someone else is beautiful.
"I know, I know what you mean."
You're some kind of miracle
Oh you, you
You're a miracle, a miracle
What does it mean?
It's like something that's great and wonderful. An act of God.
She's saying that to him; That he's a miracle.
Unbelievable, unexpected. God-sent.
Love is a miracle.
I think love is a miracle.
You know, i think that too.
Classes with Zee (i'll just call him that now), feel fruitless and an absolute waste of time.
I feel awful for his dad. Feel like, it's all just a waste of time and money.
I feel like he's not trying, he doesn't even want to.
It's not about being slow or not understanding. I could be patient if he was mentally challenged. The fact, the problem i would say, is that he is not! Not only is he not mentally challenged, he is normal and probably quite smart; Considering his preference for self-studying.
But he doesn't even want to try.
me: So, tell me how do you feel about the song?
zee: I feel nothing. I don't feel anything.
me: (annoyed and sighing heavily) okay, did you like it, hate it, what?
zee: I don't like it. But I don't hate it also
me: If you could write a song, what would it be about?
me: What about it?
zee: It is not good.
me: And? What about it?
zee: Nothing else
me: (giving up) okay, fine okay. You can go now
zee: I think life is a bad thing
zee: I don't like it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't human
me: mmhmm. sometimes i do too
It's startling sometimes, to imagine that people i know can be from the same species.
Difficult to understand in fact.
C'est la vie.
I cooked dinner tonight. T'was fine and practice (and after than a youtube video) delayed Enqing quite a bit. I feel awful, considering he's ill.
I did something today though;
I deleted this particular song i wrote, with the initial intent of having Alastair put music to it. It reeked of teen angst, melodrama and emotions. A lot of it real, i must admit.
But i looked at it today, like i read through it at random sometimes,
and i thought, what's the point?
It's horribly sad and doesn't reflect a thing.
So i deleted it.
Like i've been cleaning out other areas of my life.
Thank God for Yooooouu((((((:
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
No matter how much nothing matters, there's one with the ability to make me cry.
just like towards the end.
And it happens that, as good as a friend he'll always be,
he's not the one who can make it alright.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
hits me smack in the face;
You're seventeen, Fuck off, Grow up.
I knew i was right.
Knew i was fucking right from the fucking beginning. Why in the world did i sway with the words that flew round my head.
That's not a question, don't answer it.
I give up.
I fucking give up.
I was right, from the start, i should've known.
Should've listened to myself though i never do. But then, that's why i always end up the way i do.
Isn't that right?
Well, of course not
Just completely ignore this
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Roomful of Blues (say it, go on: roomfulla booze)
That's where we headed last night, after church and supper. We wanted to catch a movie but we missed the last screening of I Am Legend. tut.
Nonetheless, we brought Enqing to
theplaceikepttellinghimaboutthathejustabsolutelyhadtogoto aka Roomful.
As we always do, we enjoyed ourselves, each other's company and FABtastic music.
Right before church, Enqing and i went on a shopping spree for him though i did buy something for Janice. (I LOVE THE VEST BY THE WAY. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT, THANK YOU<3 )
We walked around parco for a bit before giving in to what was plain obvious from the very beginning: BUGIS STREET, DUH
Spent most of our time pushing through people, body against body and, in some cases, smelling not so nice smells.
I suppose there's no point denying what a shopaholic i am and the little highs i get at a new purchase; Whether for me, for someone else or if my opinion's included in someone else's buy.
So clearly, i was quite happy as we moved from shop to shop to shop, passing familiar bits one too many times and unfamiliar bits too few.
Already, it is a tad clear where at least a little bit of next month's pay cheque is going into. tsk.
What an awful awful habit of mine. It's only thirteen going on fourteen days into the month and i'm thinking about next month.
When i was in PL the other day, watching students move from canteen to dinky minimart to bookshop where they buy only essentials and bare minimum and already consider that a bit of a shopping spree, i sort of missed those days.
Those days when i lived on like twenty-five dollars a week and didn't shop and didn't have any kind of life whatsoever.
That we grow up to earn more and worry more and shit around more. heh
what nostalgia for the old days.
Gosh i feel disgustingly old though i know i'm really not. I'm horribly lazy and slow moving. Like, too lazy to over analyse stuff and talk about it. All i want these days is decent coffee and space to breathe. Space to enjoy the poisonous fumes from the asses of diesel-using vans.
Oh yes, by the way, and don't you dare scoff,
I've quit smoking- again.
I should be doing it for myself and that's what i'm trying to do. Yay me.
Now, just have faith.
Today was great. Church was lovely, i sang and it didn't kill the world. Luncheon was fab too because it was japanese and you know how i love japanese.
Met Calvin Fong and a couple of others from CMC who i was never that familiar with but oh wells. He's bald now, in NS.
Gosh now, doesn't time fly.
A bit strange but it wasn't so bad.
Went for auditions with twin where we were made to wait absolute hours.
There was a whole bunch of grotesque ah lians there who i doubt will make it. But then again, i don't think twin and i will make it either.
i can't dance for shit):
I've said it before, and i'll say it again! My friends are all fab dancers, while i don't have to dance cos i'm the group skank.
okay, i'm not really a skank. It's just well, i don't dance.
qing was ill this morning, poor thing, and ended up skipping church.
Silly boy, you don't look after yourself properly!
We've got an event coming up to practice for. yay(:
Do you know what scares me, like a lot?
When i find myself going into a day, with next week's schedule running itself through my head.
I'm quite close to dying, doesn't sound too bad an idea.
Slumber party tomorrow!
we shall all paint each other's toenails and watch movies and cuddle and have sex.
I'd like to be a penguin,
with a very clean tummy!(:
Friday, January 11, 2008
Our day off at Sentosa!
A very much needed break indeeeeed!
Not many pictures though. In fact, this is the one that sums it all up:
Good food, good sun (for most of the time anyway), books, shades and sand!
I'm going to make it a point to do this at least every two months.
Plus work on my tan as well of course. It's not very pretty now):
AND i very much like this picture, so there. The background looks gorgeous doesn't it?
abit of a rant and rave session coming up so leave if you're not in the mood for random word vomit.
I think it is horribly inconsiderate of people to take public transport if they smell bad.
I mean, it's called public transport because members of the public will be there, no? And if there's a ban on durians because not everyone likes the strong smell, then why shouldn't there be a ban on smelly people?!
They ought to have machines that you walk through which go BEEPBEEPBEEP! UNFIT TO BOARD TRAIN, PLEASE BATHE BEFORE YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP!
Seriously, since you're not in your own car or torturing some poor old cab driver with your stench, the least you could do is leave your house a tad bit cleaner, right?
Isn't it only basic courtesy to NOT smell like your last bath was a century ago?
Already, twice this week, yes you saw right, TWICE THIS WEEK, i have been stuck on the same train as smelly people. One was a huge guy, and another was a woman. A WOMAN! I AM AGHAST!
The first incident, with the huge guy, i noticed, in between pages of my wonderful book, a small but very noticeable radius around him. The people seated right behind him, inches away from his butt, didn't stay in the seat for more than two minutes.
When i first got on, i didn't just assume it was the big guy, i kind of sniffed in the direction of the geeks, which, mind you, didn't smell that much better either, especially the one closest to me.
I noticed him sniffing himself a bit thinking he was the source of the foul, damp-clothes mixed in a day of sweat smell. Well he wasn't, but he wasn't that far off either.
In the end, i couldn't bear it and walked off, closer to the door, before i dropped dead.
Then this morning, while i was, once again, deeply engrossed in my book, a horrid smell came to me. It smelt worse than the damp-clothes smell though not half as strong.
It smelt of an old, homeless man who was incapable of bathing. Now see, if that was the source of the smell, i wouldn't even have mentioned it! I've got a soft spot for frail old men you see, and don't think it's their fault that no one bathes them.
At first i thought it was me, and was repulsed by the mere thought of it. Then i let out a tentative sniff and realized it wasn't a trapped smell, which meant it was radiating off someone like the glow of an angel! (What a horrible comparison, i know)
I tried to sniff without being noticed and LO! The smell came from right beside me. THE SMELL CAME FROM A WOMAN!
GOSH! What is this world coming to!
Men are supposed to smell bad so that evil bitches like me can write about them while women laugh to themselves thinking, God i'm glad i'm a woman, because i always smell so damn good.
Needless to say i was shocked, and proceeded to edge closer to the lady on my left while trying not to breathe in too deeply.
The saddest thing, i find, was that when she left and an old man took over her place, sitting beside me, he didn't smell half as bad. IN FACT, he didn't even have a smell at all!
Oh dearie me.
It always makes me wonder, i mean, don't complain and say "I'm fat so i always smell bad".
Fat people don't always smell bad. Take Ms Doughnut for instance, we say she's smelly and make up horrible songs about her, but actually she smells better than most teachers.
I'm just quite against being nose-raped, that's all, especially when i'm stuck on public transport and not too far from you.
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?
it was the unfamiliar familiarity of it.
Enough for my breath to catch in my throat and my heart to still for a second too long, that when it resumed it's beating it went "dub-lub" instead of the usual "lub-dub".
It was the knowing of the proximity i'd have to be in- leaning into you, my nose pressed right under your collarbone- for me to inhale the smell of you that i'd, in the future, smile at.
Hurting distance which was, is, completely, voluntarily allowed.
It was that; the knowing, that made me freeze.
But of course, fool.
The hurt is well deserved, because you let someone get that close to begin with.
And i know, this only applies to me. Knowing that self-piteous tears are not allowed.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
This is just because we all need a lil somethin' somethin' to make us smile.
Well, isn't it just ironic how hurting distance isn't any distance at all?
Thinking about it, there's a certain closeness allowed on your part which is probably why it's always so painful in the end.
I hardly dare think of what hurting distance really is, if i do, if i actually pay attention, then i might be too cynical to bear. There's those i hold so very close, so very dear, that i wouldn't notice if they stuck a knife into me. It scares me to think that something as simple as a "Hello there" on the first day of school can result in a relationship so naked that if you look at it carefully, it'd seem you're a tad on the vulnerable side.
I've been blessed to have friends i've learnt from. And because of each other, or perhaps vicky just rubs off on most of us, there seems to be a rare case of backstabbing and gossiping and other pointless timewasters. We're quite blazae in a sense and God, am i thankful.
Thank God we don't have a CLIQUE and it's not called CHERRIEX POPXIES or SWEETIEX POOOPIEXEZ.
Thank God that save for a few random people who were annoying/stupid/fucktarded, there's never been like, some sort of fight, complete with all the "i dunch frenx euux anniimoorex worxz n euuxzx can go and farkkkk euuurselfxzxz" and all the "neber b4 deeed ii kneww euuxz wer tis kind of peepolexzx. backkkstabeeng biotchxzxz"
I think i'd just throw up and die, no really.
And so, i realize, i was really speaking very much as a child when i claimed that
"the tears i cried would form the ice around my heart".
We're not all Miss Havisham, even Sarah, in all her strength was weak. I think, a slave to her feelings for Mr. Carr.
That's what i fear, that's what i'll never want again.
There is hurting distance, of course there is. But then, there isn't because there's no distance at all. It's often hard to decide which is scarier.
What's important is knowing.
Which is why i wouldn't be with someone if i don't see it going anywhere. And if i'm planning on breaking up, i'd do it sooner rather than later.
Still, sometimes i get scared.
I scare myself with the realization that, i haven't kept my distance at all.
And my mommy's "i told you, didn't i?" rings loud and clear in my ears.
By then, there is no distance between you and the hurt either.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
- Charis Vera has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all.
- Only one person in two billion will live to be Charis Vera.
- Charis Veraicide is the killing of Charis Vera!
- Ideally, Charis Vera should be stored on her side at a temperature of 55 degrees.
- Charis Veraocracy is government by Charis Vera.
- It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Charis Vera.
- About one tenth of Charis Vera is permanently covered in ice!
- Charis Vera was named after Charis Vera the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'It's a Wonderful Life'.
- All swans in England belong to Charis Vera.
- Lightning strikes Charis Vera over seven times every hour!
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
This is so funny, especially since i carried my baby sister for the first time today.
She's very very tiny and a bit yellow. We've got the same tiny mouth and she's got the same hands that janice does- dad's.
Work was brilliant, my little girl is starting to speak bits of english and i am close to tears with joy.
Perhaps largely out of close comparison, i think the korean guy is improving on his spoken English too!
The only bad bits came right at the end, but i feel bad cos i suppose he does try- this particular student i mean.
But oh, what in the world would i have done without Enqing and his insane suggestions!
I seriously had to keep from laughing out loud in front of my student and in fact, had to stage a coughing fit to cover my laughter.
Our text went as follows:
Me: I got him to read a short story and asked him which character he likes, to which he replied,
"i don't like any"
Enqing: Omg. If it's me i'll say,
"well that's not the least suprising cos i don't like you too". Stares nonchalantly
Me: Omg! You're making me randomly laugh out loud in the class! hahahahahaha
He says he likes the magic bowl the most in the story. haha. How are you going to combat that my dear?
Enqing: Well tell him that you like the magic bowl too because you can toss him inside, have him turned into a lizard so that he'll crawl away and not annoy you :)
Me: You're absolutely insane! I have to pretend i'm coughing so he won't know i'm laughing at him!
it's still hilarious to think about now! Now you people know what teachers are doing when they glance below the table constantly. hahahah.
i've had this strangest feeling. I keep on thinking that tomorrow is Saturday. How awfully awfully strange.
My schedule these days are so clogged up, my days blended together so wonderfully that i'm so scared of mixing up my days and teaching the wrong things.
Tomorrow i've got a luncheon though, brilliant brilliant(:
Haven't had a proper luncheon for like forever. My third student has really been the most taxing, and he's just extended his course. Lucky lucky me.
I do really really want to help him though.
I want him to be able to leave my classes with something other than a shredded ego because i realize, i really am very harsh on him.
The other day i wrote out a list of pre-school words and made him pronounce them properly over and over and over again.
For a twenty-seven year old man, a pilot who's going on to be a pilot instructor, that pretty much throws your face out the window. haha, the pilot thing reminds me of the picture at the top of this post!
I digress! Sometimes i feel bad, sometimes i feel that it is what he gets for making me feel like curling up into a fat ball and crying.
Oh wells, c'est la vie.
If it helps anything at all, i'm reading a fantastic book and i can hardly put it down. I'm off to bathe, tuck myself in and read it, all in a little while.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
haha sorry, cheap thrill.
The only bit of spam that caught my attention.
Today started out a fabulous day;
My first student was fine and the second one's made improvements.
I was done by two because i moved my lesson up so i had the rest of my day(kind of anyway) until the photoshoot.
So i bathed and went to Ang Mo Kio Hub, to the BIG studio to drop off stuff for Sham and chat with Karen.
Enqing wasn't well in the morning and had the day off and so, was in the area after his visit to the doctors'. We met up and he accompanied me to the studio after which we parted ways.
It's all fine up to about this point, where i bus it to the old grapevine and, because i was scared vee was pissed and embarassed that her friend was the latest for the shoot, cab it to the station.
Apparently, and i only find out when i call, the shoot is after five because five is when the girl finishes school.
Everything drags on, including meeting twin ,and in the end what happens is vee cheez and i start off hobo-ing around and are joined by T, Lizard and eme.
So we sit around, smoke too much, traumatize and torture the ants carrying bits of cheezels and basically waste away two hours.
We were actually there for more than two hours come to think of it, but by the time she arrives, i'm leaving.
Then twin's train gets held up somewhere and i feel bad, filling Enqing's ear with my pathetic whines and bitch fits while he patiently talks to me about knitting and fluffy green stuffs that i can almost imagine.
Dinner was at my favourite japanese restaurant and i got a bit of twin time before dinner where we caught up and infected the mall with our horridly consecutive bimbo moments.
i've got more than one reason to be annoyed.
One of them is that i broke three nails today and complete random.
i'm in quite a foul mood now and feel like blogging too much or just crawling into bed.
There's so much to say but i don't feel like telling the whole world in the least.
lucky you if you are miraculously able to get into my private blogs. or maybe not, because no one knows.
i get the last laugh.
it's raining, like a bitch with her period, like my air con.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Work was awfully tiring today.
The youngest, for some reason was horribly restless and the other one had me writing his entire speech. Sometimes it kinda feels like i'm dying, sitting there, melting into my freaking chair.
Anyway, right after work i met up with Ner to go back to school for House Meeting. School will always be school. Wasn't my smartest move, going back, especially to cheer because i've to sing at Ryan's studio with Enqing in a couple of hours' time. pfft. oh wells.
The house meeting was a decent turn out and we had tonnes of freshmen wanting to be cheerleaders. unfortunately, the older ones weren't half that enthusiastic. Nonetheless, it was good and we got them on the first cheer.
Enqing just got off work, time for me to go!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
if u're single, it means no one else is gonna see your bedroom anytime soon
-Veeektoor, who else could it possibly be?
My princess net fell on me, again.
Right after i put it back up i ought to go to bed. I've got class in the morning, afternoon and will be meeting Enqing in the evening.
Go read Victor's blog, he's had 'nother one of em epiphanies.
I think i made the mistake i said i wouldn't again make-
empty handed but alive in Your hands
We all search desperately for an innocence we threw away as soon as we knew how to. Most i know would be embarassed to be called sheltered.
It's laughable at, really.
So what, if a person doesn't know what a blowjob is, even if he's eighteen.
There's something special that, if it meant the least bit to you, you'd help another preserve. Like how whenever we play Truth or Dare, we would never get those who haven't lost their first kiss yet to make out.
I'm not quite sure what i'm going on about, i'm just letting it spew out of me really.
Maybe this is because it's words clogged up in me as i've found myself changing during the last month of 2007. I don't know why exactly i'm doing what i am. Perhaps a huge part of me just felt it was time for a change. Another part of me was growing tired of being typecasted into playing a badgirl.
I've looked like sixteen since I was twelve.
For a twelve year old, that's a pretty darn good thing and as i've grown up, i like being able to get into places or buy stuff without having to be asked for my ID. But because i've never really managed to enjoy the whole sweet girl image, maybe that's why i'm doing a complete overhaul and giving my wardrobe a makeover.
This is the best time of my life.
I'm finding myself. And i've got the freedom to. The freedom to make mistakes and do stupid things if i feel like it. I can run in the rain or get horribly burnt in the sun, lose my inhabitions and be no one else but me. And that's important.
Someone once said, We are who we keep.
It has some truth in that, but i refuse to believe you're not your own person.
And i am my own person.
We go through phases and the good girl thing quite appeals to me. heh heh.
Still wanna get my tattoo though:D:D
I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Don't we all just want to do that sometimes? I know i do. heh
Her name popped up today, while we shopped.
And i realized, and mentioned so too, that she is just someone one shouldn't be bothered about.
I don't know why this gets me sometimes. Perhaps i am too fortunate to have amazing friends who, like me, are not really bothered by grotesquely superficial things and who are always around when you really need them.
Maybe because she's the first person i've called a friend but whom i realized shouldn't really be given such a title- if i might use that term.
Anyway, i realized she's the sort that you think about and might even mention a memory to some friends about. But all in past terms, past tenses.
"A friend I used to know"
Isn't it sad?
I also noticed how, sadly, if i'd been in school with her, she might have turned out to be the sort i'd hang out with. But knowing her now has made me learn the difference between a friend and an aquaintance.
please do ignore how i sound like a bitch right now.
In fact, it's even suprising, i must say, how i could have, at some point in time, have had things to talk about with her. Or the time to listen to her rants and raves. Or the patience.
It's difficult to imagine having anything in common, let alone anything to talk about, with someone so seemingly shallow and superficial and above all, wrapped up in herself.
The thing is, i know she's got her good points. She's really nice sometimes and always seems to have good intentions. I just get sort of crabby thinking about her i suppose.
And like i said before, she's just someone i used to know.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I noticed all my recent pictures mostly consist of Enqing. You see, that is why i'm keeping myself from buying a camera, though clearly that isn't enough.
That's the problem with camwhores, and i am admittedly, very much a cam whore. haha
So anyway, Dory arranged a luncheon with the five of us and i dressed up and looked forward to it because well, i don't know when i'll next get to hang out with her before she leaves.
The text came in the morning, saying what time we'd all be meeting and i was left with that impression even when i met V at the station. Even when i was on the train with her. Even when we walked out and went to Starbucks.
Then i realized, D had church and Bird was lazy. hahahahah.
We hung out with Tanny for a bit though, and Ner after that.
Oh gosh, i went on a complete and utter shopping spree today! haha.
I'm so insanely happy, and i was left contented, and in a fabulous mood for hours!
There seems to be a random, no-reason sale going on in various places. Some might call it post-Christmas, but i'm just gonna call it lets-go-on-sale-for-Charis Vera-season!
Topshop/Topman has really great discounts. I've never been an avid shopper there though i've checked out their sometimes over-priced, sometimes unoriginal stuff. Especially because V at one point always walked in. Though i've had stuff from the shop, i've honestly never actually bought anything there.
But everyone knows how 2008 is far different and already, absolutely fabulouso!
So i bought amazingly cute knickers at a killer price. (AND OMG, I JUST LOVE TOPSHOP KNICKERS OKAY. JUST SO YOU KNOW. THEIR THONGS AND FREAKING COMFY)
And i bought this really sweet and pretty dress. It totally goes with this whole reinvented decent-non skanky look. (HAH. In your face V! i'm so not sleazy! hahaha. i love you)
The dress is just really pretty, and i would use the word pretty instead of beautiful because it's not the kind of drop dead gorgeous, stunning dress that i'd usually grab off the rack. Instead, it's very much a mommy-favourite, and sweet.
The material's really nice too!
Okay, the biggo question, isn't it? How "fabulous" exactly is this sale?
Well, for such a nice dress, originally priced at $143,
I bought it at $53! like ZOMG ZOMG right?
And no, i didn't pick it up out of the bargain bin and it doesn't look crabby. It was on the rack like everything else, all pretty and new.
ON TOP OF MY FABULOUS BUYS AT TOPSHOP,
ZARA was also having a lets-go-on-sale-for-Charis Vera-season! Ner had already finished her rounds there and so, over a hotdog and juice, told us about her splurges and i was adamant on getting one of them darling knitted sweaters/cardies/whatever!
So with like, five minutes just before the cab swung round, we went into Zara and i got this absolutely beautiful off-white knitted top. It was on the same table as the sweaters but they didn't look that nice. I'll go check out another outlet next Saturday when i go shopping with Enqing!
BACK TO POINT
The top was beautiful and i'm a very very happy girl right now, save for my rather raw burns, especially where alastair decided to be a darling and slap me right on the most painful burnt section.
I've officially spent out what i gave myself to spend out of my pay though):
At least i think so, because it seems like $80 has sort of disappeared without me quite knowing how. hmm.
How awfully perturbing.
Yesterday was just wonderful too.
Enqing came over early, just before eight, and we went to walk Homer together. So after an hour of watching him run in random directions, we sent him home and soon after, headed to Harbourfront. Except of course, we had to pick a few things from vivo which set us back about fifteen minutes. We did manage to catch the afternoon sun though, explaining our terribly burns though he doesn't seem to be suffering quite as badly. haha
We fell asleep and only succeeded in properly roasting our back and not our fronts. Especially because the drizzle started and we spent the next forty-five minutes out of the sun (yes, the sun came out after two minutes of drizzle and us running off), and in the shade, quenching our thirst and camwhoring.
When we finally got back into the sun and laid out our mats, the sun disappeared and it started to pour. Whereby we declared it a day, and definitely To Be Continued and settled back at the Cool Deck to enjoy the remnants of our chips and grapes and tomatoes.
All in all it was lovely because we enjoyed Ben & Jerry's smoothie and ice-cream in the sun as well as food we brought along. (Brilliant smoked salmon!) haha. Making you envious yet, dear reader?(:
I do think that once in a while, we should just take an off day to do stuff like that. It does you wonders.
The early evening was spent grocery shopping like crazy and then heading home to help Enqing with the cooking and stuff. Half in and out of darkness, due to the use of our ten year old oven that short circuits the house everytime it's in use. haha
Dinner was wonderfully cooked, (Can't thank you enough hon! haha) and dessert was a bit of a task but not too bad.
Stayed up playing Monopoly, which we didn't finish in the end and we all crawled to bed past three in the morning. haha
That's been my wonderful weekend for you! haha.
There'll be pictures, if i can get my hands on them that is. haha.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
It was a bit different this year and i'm glad for it. One too many drunken parties and years that start melting together after a while.
Quiet night in it was, with good food, family and the X men trilogy. It hasn't been too bad, all in all, as far as i can say, two hours into the new year.
Nonetheless i can't shake off the simple realization of just, never being good enough. Whatever i do, however hard i try(and i have tried hard too), it'll wear off because it's not enough for you.
I'm not enough for you.
Perhaps i never will be.
It's the start of the new year and i refuse to dwell on such unhappy thoughts. And yet.
I think i've come a long way, and yet, with the recent onslaught of barely bearable stuff, i seem to have, well, gone back to the only way i've ever known in order to be able to cope.
Oh but who cares.
I'm ill, quite ill in fact, complete with a temperature and a cold. All on New Year's.
But i can't complain because, i feel the beginnings of happiness bubbling up inside again. i'll focus on that instead; keep the knife out of reach and the cigarettes out of my handbag.
What a way to start off the new year, i can't wait(:
I'll spend tomorrow tidying up my room and giving it a mini makeover. And i can't wait to hit the beach with En qing on Friday. I'm just dying for a tan. That brilliant wonderful tan that i got in Bali. Hopefully without the burns of course.
Lots of reading too of course, and sleep and smoothies. Gosh i'm so excited already.
Anyways, staying up anf extra four hours last night must have really gotten me sleep deprived because i'd like to go off now(:
All i have left to say is,
It's been an eventful year. With plenty of upses and downses, more tears and anger and annoyance than smiles. Love lost, friendships re-established. One realizes what she gave up for a relationship that didn't last, and i really don't mean it in a bad way. Then of course, i learnt the important difference between aquaintances and friends. How some seem to be good friends and people you can depend on, but turn out not to be, not in the least.
Suddenly, you don't even have five minutes for these sort of people. These sort of people whom you once called friends, whom you stayed up all night and missed out on sleep to talk with or rather, to listen to them rattle on about themselves. The same sort of people who, when it really matters, are not there.
Been forced to grow up this year and damn, i do think i've changed quite a lot. But that's the whole point of growing up and moving on, isn't it?
So my darlings,
friends and aquaintances, family and ex-lovers,
here's to a brilliant 2008.