Wednesday, March 31, 2010

what noise annoys an oyster?

I played DOA this morning before work. It was yummy because I whooped ass!
Well, yes and no, I got my assed whooped now and then.
And Button cat/ you cat Buttons/ Buttons the furry, needy child, she curled up by me.

I hope I remember to bring my shit with me tomorrow. Although what shit that is, foxes me.
Drinks tomorrow is tentative, although really, I wouldn't mind.
But Lord I'm tired, so tired.

Respite, I beg, res-bloody-pite!

I go sleep now.

A noisy noise annoys and oyster.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Pen & Paper

the way you stop hearts with your eyes and those fingers of yours, you could be criminal.

Something tells me that by the end of it, it'll hurt like a bitch.
But for right now, I'd prefer to believe that I can brace myself for it, even though I know full well that I can't. Even though I know this must be what I've been trying to keep myself from, for forever.

Life, after all, isn't what we choose.
And you might not think it's fair on you, but it won't be any more fair for anyone else either.

It's narcissistic it is, thinking you deserve certain things.
And a lot of problems come with wanting just a little bit more.

It's 3am and still she helps me breathe

step by fuhreaking step

This morning, at four, having come home at three after a shoot, I had to fight the insane urge to scrub down my toilet.
It's a destress mechanism, and for someone who seems quite footloose these days, I actually ave a million and one things that need to be done.
I made the first step toward it though, by putting stuff on the TO DO list on my cell.

I had a rough couple of nights, working with a couple of people. Last night was good, it just ended late and I had to work this morning.
The night before was maddening though, and I got a grand total of two hours of sleep after crashing at Vicky's.

Buttons has gotten needier these days, I guess because I'm not around much. My room feels grossly unfamiliar, and I hate sitting around in it. But that will change because I am just getting so incredibly fed up, it's ridiculous.

The rain today, the alone time, the breathing by the window.
We always want life to be easier don't we? We're terrible.
It was good for me though, and I'll probably scoot out for a run.
Not before finishing things that just have to be finished though.

Something to add to the To Do list:
sort out body clock, it's going mad.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

They weren't meant to be sent, those letters

I'm stopping the smokes again. One pack is always the perfect excuse for another and i need to shut up and stop.

I also need to get away from my room. It's disgusting.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

toilet paper love letter

so it's saturday, except i've felt like i've had a week of saturdays. days that have a healthy mixture of work and fresh air. They've been good enough for me, really.

I do, however miss what used to be our ever-consistent chill outs over beers. we're supposed to also be hopped up on jetting off to thailand on the ninth. Except nothing's been booked and i'm pretty sure it's a tad too late to uhm, well, sort stuff out now. Meh.

i'm desperately looking forward to tonight though. Things always just make sense with my best friends. Sometimes we get so lazy to talk because we're chewing on each other's brains, and i'm grateful that i've never known it any other way.

Friday, March 26, 2010

"and will you be able to do that," she asks, "let that person walk away with everything that is you."
But it's not like that you see, it isn't as black and white as we want it to be. It's a tricksey thing, this is.

the week's been tiring. I've been so tired and monday's fall hasn't gotten that much better. Still feels like i fell a couple of days ago.
The weekend's all set for filming Victoria's adaptation piece and i am so psyched about it. Cleansing process, i think. I hope it helps me see better.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I don't know what to say either

Because for the most part, I find it quite unreal.
But it isn't, and it's lovely and that in itself is unreal.

I'm typing and stopping, stopping and typing.
Hitting the backspace key a lot and trying desperately to keep focused.
Which clearly, I am not.

so I will leave the brains alone for now.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

And you help me breathe

Because, you look at me and you don't see the train wreck.

Monday, March 22, 2010

colours that aren't colours.

2am and I'm still awake writing a song,
if I get it all down on paper
it's no longer inside of me,
threatening this life it belongs to.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of this crowd
cos this words are my diary,
screaming out loud
and I know that you'll use them,
however you want to.

We say we don't want to, but we end up doing it anyway,
the thinking. It's not altogether bad though, I suppose.

Today, I spent studying;
Western Civilization, the faces of angry-but-trying-to-look-pretty-brides-to-be,
my fingers, Western Civilization, fingertips in general, the texture of wooden benches, the sound of a smile that bubbles and well,
western civilization.

Something about the High Middle Ages, aristocratic men and women and the bull they believed in. Aside from picking apart and scoffing at their gender roles, the chapter (or the first few pages of it) was boring as hell.
And that's saying something because I love Western Civilization, I'll have you know.

It was a lovely day. It always is.
We have luck with the days we pick then.

I'm starting to sound too spacey these days.
I rollerbladed today. By myself. I've always loved doing that, even now.
I went all the way up to mommy's office and then back down and then up and then, since the jogging trail had marked distances, it would appear that I have travelled a total of at least 6 clicks. good on me eh?

The slopes, smooth roads, running on nothing and feeling like, you're flying on absolutely everything.
It's a very special thing, blading, it is.
The spinning, the corner turning, the OMGTHEREISACARBEHINDME-oh we're good now- thing.
Roller blading makes me quite happy, amongst other things.
Some of which I'm only just finding out about now, come to think of it.

I fell though, a wee bit harder than usual.
It took Bird's scar right off!): Oh what will I do now!
Moving this bloody arm sends fire right through it everytime. I will sit and point at children tomorrow.

The week, it looks like it'll be nice.
The weeks have been nice, and I was quite unprepared for them. The niceness of it all.
Oh life, it surprises you.

Sort of like books that promised to be brilliant and had you read to the end, when you just knew you should've put it down after page four

You were an exquisite waste of my time. Wait, are.

Shit, if i'm still using present tense then something is profoundly wrong with me.

balloons for promises

"Shall you want one?" you smile.
Oh, I wish you couldn't read it right off me, but I do.

But then love, in just a while,
I'll be left clutching air.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

rivers that run quiet and clocks that forget to tick

It makes sense, doesn't it? To give up on the thinking simply because, one is pretty comfy and there isn't a need to over-think or try to understand.
Nothing's complicated if you don't make it out to be, I think.
It makes sense.
I think so in any case.

Generally speaking, these days I'm a tad, well for lack of a better term, floaty.
My room's a kip, there are things to do except I suddenly (and this has never happened in my life) seem to have misplaced my organizer and the schedule on my cellphone has stuff planned from months ago except now I just like, don't understand it.
I stare at it and go,
"uh. uhm. well I guess this isn't on anymore then."

At the same time, I've managed to find time to just sit down and stare at water or lights or children waddling around with squeaky shoes. I've found time for ice-cream, my word!
And grass, and even, believe it or not, text-messages.
I've found myself doing things I don't normally do and opening up in ways that are just impossibly uncharacteristic of me.
It's quite bizarre, but in a rather warm, fuzzy way that is most delightful, even at the oddest times of the day.

So now, time to start inching my way back into the stacks of papers and books, whistles and whiteboard markers.
Studying would be a good idea too.
And no one ever said we can't sprawl out on grass with cups of yoghurt while we study, right?

A nap and a run later on will do me good(:

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Time limits and clear goals

So, Charis Vera Ng, you little brat,
you will get off your ass and keep the promises you've made to yourself and get your shit sorted out so that you can proceed with your shit.
Stop shitting around already for Chrissakes!
You will not look like this:
no no no! It's not half bad, it just could afford to be nicer.

There we go, motivation motivation!
One month from the doctors. One month flat.


On a completely different note, one that one might actually have a shot at understanding,
today felt a whole lot like the weekend.
Maybe it was breakfast (and I've always absolutely loved Holland Village), or the lazing about with Bird and then the hour ish of roller blading which was not enough but the weather likes to be a bitch now and then.
Whichever it was, it felt like a nice random weekend, and I liked it. No, correction, I truly loved it.
And despite running a fever the entire day (even after popping panadol after food), I spent quality time with people, including the family who I've been missing immensely, and enjoyed myself thoroughly.

I'm not the biggest fan of the unfocused, grotesquely unorganized, late (what in the world!) person I've been for the last three weeks or so. But as it always does, my shit, it piles up against me and then my ocd kicks in full force and I'm just like,
"Okay bitch, get moving."

So tomorrow will, hopefully, see me cleaning up while I snuffle my way through meds and tissue. And then hopefully that will have given me sufficient rest time for the evening out. Groan, stupid health.
This week of non-holiday holidays, it's been okay. Next week means a lot of flying right back into it, with filming as well as the children all lined up in rows.
Yay me.
I should also get my biological alarm sorted out. And not sleep at, well fuck, it's half two in the morning now, bloody hell. yes well, not sleep at two. Sunday night I'm going to be in bed by midnight and keep it consistent from here on in!

So anyhoos, while chatting online with D (which I'm still doing), the funniest thing happens!
omg hahahahaha
I found myself literally shaking with laughter, just so you know.
It's madness.

Some people, just so, so strange.

So I'm getting massive goosebumps here and my fever's skyrocketing.
Plus, recently i've found myself dozing off while typing/writing. I'm doing that now actually, my eyes zoning out and shit. ah.
It's best if I crawl away now little angels.
You can busy yourself smiling for me at the idea of tomorrow and tomorrow's dinner and tomorrow post-dinner.

Don't you just absolutely love plans of sorts?(:
I love!

cheerios darlings!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

and stories you can't lie about

Rebecca's Fable,
she is beautiful.
And so is Archer.

And I am jealous,
because I know I would write like she does, take pictures, draw and love.

But in the meantime,
I am stuck here, being myself

The birthday

was different.

quiet, planned
and I am ashamed that sometimes I miss the brilliance right in front of me.

The birthday,
was still.
Peaceful, peachful.
Not a chance of the week-long celebration that I used to indulge in.

It wasn't about me, and I liked it like that this year.

"Fuck man, princess or what?" Vicky said one year.
But birthdays are a big deal for me because it's just, one of those days where you get to be self-absorbed and annoying and believe (in your fuh-reaking mind) that you can control time.
That it is two in the afternoon when it's already half six,
that it's two and a half, when it's already eight.
That the world can freeze and the sun setting doesn't mean that the park's going to get dark.

I am naked, but I'm not unravelled.
Baring all, but not ashamed.

This birthday, it was different.
I never do things like that,
Never curl up on grass and feel like there isn't any more to this than what is already around me.
Never sit to stare at parts of huge ponds that have gone so still it's like there might be cobwebs hanging just over it.

And I am here.
Happier, but still floaty.
Because the smell of grass, it clings to you, wraps you up in all these bundles of joy and clam-like happiness that make you believe, if you tuck reality away for long enough it won't come out to haunt you.

But a lot of things, they aren't meant for you to keep.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

insanity is the tip of a drill, inches from your temple.

I think I'm going mad.
I can't access any of my diaryland accounts. I cannot access diaryland, fullstop.
I think i'm going absolutely insane.
Please, no no no no please,
this cannot happen to me.

tell me this is some stupid website fuck up and that it is only temporary.

no, not all over again

rainy mondays

"Does that scare you?"
"A bit."

And she had a point.

So today, I opened up tabs and tabs of bits and pieces that make up who I am. And I read and looked at all the things that I keep locked, even from myself.
There is history, of course, old entries, angsty poems.

But there are unsent letters, pages of things that have been carved out from a living, breathing person.

And then, there is me.

for reasons I don't know

Hold on,
This will floor me
Than any drug that's washed me into sleep
It's true
The only fault I'll take from you
Is how to run from what you wish to keep

And it only just occurred to me that, I may have told you a bit too much.
Not in an "Oh shit" kind of way, but in a, "Didn't I tell her that? and then, that too?"
It didn't make sense to stop at the time, so I paused and sifted.
Now, post-realization, I'm still thinking,
it doesn't make sense to stop now.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Three of my few favourite kids in the world (before mine come along)

Meet the three absolute darlings I am dying to see when I get to LA(:
My nephews, they are just adorable, and so beautiful, all three of them like that.

Luke and Liam (the twins), they just turned 2 last week! egad! They're growing up too fast, too fast I say!
And Lorenzo, he's already a teenager! I get this idea that the next time I see him, he'll be super grown up and freaking taller than me. Wouldn't surprise me.

But oh boys, please don't grow up too soon! Stay like this, well, forever if you can(:

I absolutely can't wait to see you.
Please still be young enough for me to take you guys out for ice-cream. Please!

Just me and my 97 cats now eh?
I'm an old spinster! (Or getting there pretty damn quick!)

TRIP TO THAILAND PART I - beginning of the first day

*I typed this out May 28th, 2008 at 3.50pm
I never published it because there was just always too much more to talk about and in the end, I just never told you anything.
So. this is better than nothing no?

It's nearly two years and I dont even look half the same. strange.
funny strange though

Yep, so here's the loooong overdue update.
What I'm going to try to do (don't blame me if it doesn't work) is to arrange the posts and pictures so that it tracks everything in complete order, from start to finish.

Yes, that's my OCD speaking but shutup, this is sooo for your convenience!
So basically I'm sort of blogging backwards so that this is the first thing you see and you'll scroll downwards for the rest of the trip!

GOSH aren't I brilliant!

Heeeere we goooo!

Coffee before we set off for the plane ride!
Victor and I got there ages before time because well, I looove the airport(:
And guess what! This time I'm actually flying and I'm not a pathetic soul who's hoping to fly!

Nigel spent the two hour plane ride watching movies!

I spent it sleeping. heh.

This was in Bangkok! The first thing we saw!
Well actually, it was after we ate and were heading off for our ten hour bus ride.
The bus is made up to look like a plane.
Except, the bus ride was wayyyy wayyy better than our plane ride. haha
There were massage chairs and blankets and food.
And the thing is, i loooove bus rides.
Victor couldn't sleep though. Poor thing.
Yep, and they've got this not-very-pretty uniforms.

BAGS I THE WINDOW SEAT! (as always, except for on the plane)
This is to my right,
and this is to my left! ((:

So after the fantastic ten hour bus ride, which was really more like seven or eight hours, we alighted, picked up our bags and hopped into a cab!

This cab's more of a sheltered pickup with an open back.

coolios, no?

The boys and their repacking frenzy while i go trigger-happy!
That rhymes! (((:

I spy a little boy studying in a moving vehicle! ah hah!
Streets of Chiang Mai((:

His pissed-off face scared me, so i refocused back inside.

Pii Victor is stoning!
Pii Nigel catches up on sleep.
SEE LA! This is what happens when you don't sleep on the flight. hahaha

Hello handbag(:

We're turning in to our Chiang Mai hotel now! ((:


I rang up the room i'm sharing with Lydia and Sabs.

The room wasn't bad(:
I borrowed this picture from their camera!

So i dropped off my stuff in the room and we started our first day in Chiang Mai!

Sabs, Lydia and Deming were taking bets on who (out of Victor, Nigel and I) would have the most energy.
They said Nigel would have the most energy while I would be the most sluggish.

I bounded in and out of the room all chirpy and happy and excited while Nigel asked if he could nap while we had breakfast!

For the first three hours anyway. hahaha

Then I completely withered up.

This is the other side of our hotel.
The glamorous side.

With pretty lifts.

Up those stairs is where we usually have breakfast.

I am telling you, this hotel was huuuge.
You had to walk like fooorever just to get to the other end.
And come ooon, if they tell you that they need your room number to determine which "wing" you're staying in, isn't that proof enough?


The lady in the middle is Tina, Stefan's wife.

Hello Camewa!
Victor thought my shots weren't good enough, took the camera back and shot blurry photos instead!

I'm hooome
Deming and I, with Tina, Stefan and Uncle Lye Heng in the background!

This is post breakfast.
Clearly, I was too tired and disoriented to take photographs of breakfast but I've got the following day's breakfast so it doesn't matter.

This thus marks the beginning of our FIRST DAY IN CHIANG MAI!