Monday, March 31, 2008
I might as well admit,
i miss my long hair and sometimes i feel naked without my piercings.
It's funny how one lets oneself get swept up into doing a complete makeover.
Can you forget who you are?
I guess what counts most is,
knowing that i'm still the same person inside though perhaps not outside. That's all that matters, isn't it?
Guess i'm the same person that I was, from the very beginning.
Relaxed but not careless, laid back without being sluggish.
I ought to be grateful for that, the person that I am.
Been looking for reasons to smile.
They always tell you that, someone out there's falling in love with your smile. I don't smile.
When I'm alone, going from place to place, i either look like a bitchy snob or like I'll punch you in the face if you breathe in my direction. It's sort of funny sometimes actually.
Hung out with my two favourite guys in the world last night;
Victor and Enqing, the two who've always been there and never made me cry and have always given me a reason to smile.
After learning how to knit (i know! GASP! I am well prepared for my old age now!), and having the honour of eating Enqing's home-cooked food, we met up with Victor and took a long long loooooong walk.
We walked all the way to Ner's place man. hahaha
On the way, the night air must've gotten to us because we got all happy and sing-songy and succeeded in annoying Victor out of his eyeballs.
I liked that bit though((:
Haven't found myself clutching my sides and gasping for air in ages actually.
Aren't they both just absolute happy pills now!
I was a bit annoyed today by what i heard,
but like i said,
been looking for reasons to smile.
leave that for another time, shall we?
I'm off to bathe, knit and sleep now!
and i will run away, oh
i will run away
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
that you forgot what you need
Dream on, but don't imagine it'll all come true
Guess it's time for me to start slowing down a bit, and get a chance to breathe.
Yesterday's performance was pretty good, i'd say.
Besides having to stand around for AGES getting a cab. Then again, that was afterwards.
I thought the entire dramatisation worked out just lovely. It means so much more because we talked about it when it was all just bits and pieces floating around in our head and didn't have ideas that were thaaaaaat creative in regards to the entire dramatisation.
I'm hanging out with Enqing in a bit.
He'd gonna teach me how to knit! I will be domesticated! hahahahaha
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Swear I do.
Fer rel, fo' shizz, for aaaabsolute certain.
Smile won't you love?
Today was fantastic.
I slept in til eleven (which is nothing compared to my two pm lie-ins but is heaven, compared to my usual seven am wakeup calls),
before rolling out of bed, grabbing a bite, and waddling to work.
Class was lovely, i'm quite certain we made good progress today.
Met up with Vee at Raffles place after that, watched her get her new hair which is really really nice. (i'm not just saying this cos she's had her share of bad hair cuts)
Had coffee and munchies at TCC, in my utmost favouritest area, before dwaddling back home.
I'm not going to further bore you with my day,
you're not really reading this.
Today is a bad day for every testosterone host, it seems.
I'm so fucking annoyed and crabby right now,
and i ought to stop blogging to keep from swearing.
still want you to smile though((:
Step Five: Cry
I don't know why, but the journey home has left me semi-breathless(not literally),
stoning and spacing out at randomness and knocking at depression's door.
Don't open the door though, please.
On the whole, i've been very happy.
And today has given me absolutely no reason to not be happy, save for my most recent students who, even more recently became ex-students.
At the same time, in all my annoyance, i simply cannot be bothered. Really.
Cannot be bothered to fight for all of five extra dollars because, it really doesn't make a difference to me.
I work based largely on trust, in all my areas of work.
When it comes to songs, I need desperately to find someone i feel i can trust when i hand over my songs. Trusting that we're on the same wavelength, have similar understandings and goals and purposes and also, importantly, trusting that my music won't get run off with.
That's just an example; Without a doubt, i'd be lost and doomed if not for Enqing.
When it comes to tutoring, I never do the whole advanced payment thing as the Korean mother found out today. And i trust that, once someone has completely agreed to and settled on rates, everything is kept the same.
Based on this same reason, i was aghast when i found out that a particular school refused to pay one of our teams after they had done the show.
Their reasons included the overused "they weren't up to standard".
Back to point-
If a mother feels that five dollars will be of a difference to her, it doesn't bother me.
Doesn't and shouldn't bother me either that after the planning and whatnot that i did, the effort i actually took, they'd go back to the same person who drove them to me in the first place.
And should they need me again, i'd say no straight out.
A part of me half wonders if their decision was made after they happened to catch Sunday's Crimewatch.
A tad coincidental don't you think? That they decide to change tutors after two weeks of being fine. And of course, that their old tutor who supposedly could no longer commit, is back in the game.
Well all i can say is,
if watching that ep is what made their decision, they're really going to need a damn lot of help for English.
Obviously this affected me more than i thought it would.
I guess it was also coupled with the fact that I couldn't talk about it.
I mean, I wanted to this afternoon, the moment I got the notice, but I couldn't. And somehow, this evening's conversation made my little annoyance seem pimple-small in general.
Then of course, i come home for this to pour out.
I am annoyed, if you must know. But i can't be bothered because i don't really want to. It'd be a waste of grey hairs.
oh my, what a troubled soul.
did i not start off saying i had nothing to be upset about? hmm
Today was very nice.
Lessons were fantastic and i've gotten an extention with my little Korean girl.
Get this, I'm even teaching Chinese now.
I had lunch with Alastair at Billy Bombers, and luncheon appointments with this guy are hard to make mind you.
Stella joined us for a bit and I must say, it's amazing that during non school hours she can psyche herself into getting up at such ungodly hours to come to work. Kudos to you girl.
Finally met Candace (or is it Candice?) who's studying in SA and a very nice girl and super fun.
Okay you know what,
i really can't pretend and lie and say everything's fine when it's not.
Because it really is not.
I feel like crying and i don't know why.
and i'm annoyed at myself because there's no reason to be upset.
And NO, it is not my hormones or like, that time of the month cos that's safely passed.
i cant stand this
i'll blog another time
maybe im just tired
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I have been given a sign and it is time to tidy up my room. I will do so next Monday, when i have the entire day to myself.
The sign that I was given was a creature of sorts scurrying behind the box of one of my lip gloss.
Propelled more by the idea (horrible idea) of the possibility of there being more than one, which is always the case, i moved stuff about.
Managed to successfully knock the tiny insect about but can't find a body which is never good news.
This is highly disturbing so i really must tidy up.
I fucking hate six legged creatures and i'll be fucking damned if i have a cockroach nest.
For some disgusting reason, this house has lots of insects which include:
-two-headed ants (I AM FUCKING SERIOUS AND NOT KIDDING. Either that or it was a scorpion. Take your pick)
-dumbass cockroaches (about eight of them) who got attracted to and ate the ant poison we laid out and then stumbled around the kitchen window.
-that tiny creature thing which i do not think was a nymph but might just be in the same family, but i will not admit that because then there is a possibility of a nest and i swear i will fucking blow up my fucking room
-woodlice. Of this i am sure because of my aircon who must be a girl and who must be constantly having her period because GUESS WHO'S BEEN FLOODING MY ROOM WITH HER LIQUIDS!
CERTAINLY NOT HEATHER!
-random insects that fly in through the window.
There've been lots of lizards recently.
And as much as i like lizards and think that they're very cute and helpful, suddenly seeing quite a few is a bit unnerving.
I am very disturbed by the unknown presence in my cupboard from the same shelf that holds my makeup.
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME.
WHAT IN THE WORLD
I am so pissed right now.
Don't even dare give me the entire this-wouldn't-happen-if-you-were-clean theory because the fact is, I am.
I clean up very often and as Murphy's Law would have it, my friends only come over when my room is messed up.
I'm not an out-of-sight = out-of-mind kind of person.
Everything out of sight is neatly arranged and, especially when my OCD kicks in, is arranged color-wise, length-wise, smell-wise and everything else.
I am also superbly pissed because I went to Macs today and tried very hard to study except
I COULDN'T BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD FUCKING DISGUSTINGLY GROSS SMELLY FEET AND HE SAT AT THE NEXT TABLE.
IT WAS SO SMELLY I COULDN'T STUDY AND I AM SUPER GRUMPY.
Then I come home to an unwanted presence in my cupboard.
I'm sick of this, enough's enough.
I'm locking myself in and doing MAJOR tidying up.
Of course on top of everything else, my still-healing scars stretched out and hurt like a lot. (i mean that literally)
I'm so annoyed I tell you.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Had me clutching at my sides.
Really, it did.
The Brits just don't laugh out loud. that's all.
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned.. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
That's my name in Greek.
Someone has my name in Greek on her foot.
Someone has my name, in Greek, TATTOOED on her foot.
And no, she doesn't have the same name.
I am so coolios that people want to tattoo my name on their foot to quell the overwhelming conditions that come hand in hand with
The Emptiness Of The Cutest Charis.
I loved work today. But then I always do.
I love teaching conversational English, there's some form of a relationship that one establishes.
There's something about that, that I really like.
I find it awesome and I really like my new student, who's a mother of a teenager. That sounds awfully strange but oh wells.
She's from China and I have secretly been writing down Chinese han yu pin yin to English words which she gives a Mandarin equivalent to. Me like very much.
The only student taking a toll on me right now is my little Korean girl.
I'm often half asleep as I make my way to and fro.
Even if I leave home energetic and fresh, I lose that when I fall asleep on my ONE AND A HALF HOUR LONG journey to her place.
It's utterly insane.
At the same time, I don't want to stop teaching her because I love how she's improving ever so much.
She's improving so much that she sometimes even gets complacent! Silly thing.
But she's just lovely, as is her mom and her little brother.
You really wouldn't know how it feels to have your student hand you a note from her school teacher that says:
YOU HAVE IMPROVED BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS!
It's one of those moments of teaching that I kind of live for.
But the journey is just insanely tiring. argh.
At the same time, I've got an offer for being a drama teacher.
The problem with that is that, there is absolutely no problem.
When it comes to acting, it's never about what i take home with me.
This is exactly what I want to do, for like the rest of my life!
It's what i'm looking at, when I get out of school with all those pieces of paper that I've worked so hard to achieve!
Yet i am so content with my life as it is right now.
I have just the right amount of students, all with wonderful timing.
I have enough freedom to study and be a full time actor with Inward Bound.
Okay, that's that.
I've sent out the email conveying my deepest regrets but to please keep me updated if they ever still need a drama teacher.
I'm a bit sore, so I think i'll head out soon to drown myself in the joys of studying.
Speaking of studying,
guess who got FULL MARKS for her FIRST Visual Arts Assignment!
Yes, Your Truly will be sure to stuff some humble pie down her throat on her way out the house.
Indulge me though,
my B- for my first English assignment really got me down.
I've got the beginnings of a huge bruise on my leg now.
It's rather sore):
No more jumping into backs of random lorries Adi!
Especially not when the traffic light has turned green and i risk accidentally flashing Shawn.
I'm off for my late night study session like a fantastically good little girl!
Monday, March 24, 2008
oh now, isn't gravity working against me?
as it always, always does.
Gave Writer's Group a miss to save the Little Creature from her spastic-ness.
When her condition acted up today, it involved leaving her house keys with me and then going home. As it must happen, I only realized when i was halfway to outram park.
I think it has something to do with
I'm hoping against hope that it won't happen again because,
how many times can something break you before you walk, no, limp away,
your heart torn up and your eyes glazed?
There's no avoiding hurting distance-
Having something like that happen to me would be, at least, a fraction better than watching you go through this the way you are.
Because when we fall,
we all fall hard
I don't tell my baby sister often enough how much she means to me.
That even though she might be the grumpier of the two if us, and might not win the smiles of mommy's colleagues all the time, I'd still stand up and give them a reason for her pout/moodiness/leave-me-alone-ness.
I love how random she is, and how sweet she is without people actually realizing it.
For "the first half" of my birthday present, she gave me this adorable heart shape balloon outline with a black balloon which she "half-made" according to her. haha.
Perhaps i didn't talk about it or post pictures up, but it doesn't mean any less to me than all those other presents that i got.
Her thought always counts.
Like today, when I was half asleep, she asked if I'd like oreos cos slugs like me loooove oreos.
And by the time i woke up, she had oreos out for me and had even poured me a glass of milk which she left in the fridge.
I suppose with the very random hours that we get to spend together, we've ended up closer in a weird sort of way.
We might never ever be the"OMG LET'S GO FOR A MANI-PEDI TOGETHER!" kind of sisters, but we are very very much the "LET'S GO ON A SISTER-DATE AND THROW POPCORN AT COUPLES IN THE CINEMA!" kind.
Often strange and different, I could never ask for more.
Having the Little Creature as my sister is like, having a little brother minus the hair-pulling and corner-pissing, but plus the occasional hair-dyeing, arcade-gaming and lots of talk time (on my side) about relationships, their deterioration or the non-existence.
I might not talk to her about sex, or Ménage à trois or how much better girl-kisses are to boy-cooties!-kisses or even how some triangle-shaped dumpling people just REALLY need sex to get off someone's back. But i do have much more in-depth talks with her about reasons I might still be in love with someone who might not be right for me, or why i wouldn't be with someone else or how i can date someone so much older and find him as intelligent as the mentally-three-although-nineteen boys.
My relationship with my baby sister is something irreplaceable and in exchangeable.
She is my slug-friend, and my melt-into-the-couch-pal.
She will always always be my baby sister, no matter what.
Even with Abigayle's arrival and confidantes of sorts, the Little Creature is someone I would never be able to live without.
Whom i'd swap my life for, without hesitation, whom i'd throw flowers at in a random crowd, whom i'd scream at, shout at, spray water at and whom will never mean any less tome no matter what she does.
I've never told her how fucking proud of her I am.
How, if given the chance (and the courage, especially last year), i would scream "WO AI NI" and throw random undies on the stage as she collects her prize for best in English language/ Literature and whatever else that she's so brilliant at.
TO THE LITTLE CREATURE:
Thanks for being a wonderful baby sister.
I hope that we'll grow up and you'll spoil my kids, and i'll still yell at you but at the end of the day, we'll sit on the patio and eat brownies that you've secretly doped with cognac and drink milk that i've laced with Baileys. I hope you'll still be around to play sadistic jokes on my future other half and feed treats to my pets.
You're a fantastic baby sister and I know you'll be a fantastic Aunt/ power-woman in a power-suit/ career bitch/ journalist/photographer/imaginary drummer/ little creature (even in ten years!)
I love you, Little Creature.
With all the heart and soul that a spastic creature might hold((:
This makes me think of hamoo and retardoo and whateveroo whom i can never tell apart.
I think most of them are dead and the only furry thing left in Vee's place is Vicky herself, covered in mold.
the started off fine.
I swam in and out of sleep and a not-so-nice-dream involving Alastair feeding my (cooked) prawns to this girl i made friends with only to find out that she decided against telling me that they've been dating.
At some point i even switched off my alarm clock, fell back asleep and then awoke close to seven with horrible cramps and the realization that even a cab wouldn't manage to get me to MacPherson Sec in time.
So i texted Shawn and crawled back into bed before getting a random call that led to the beginning of the rest of my day.
So as of right now,
i'm back Wounded at Maris Stella. The crowd response was good though often largely inappropriate and they were very mean to Shawn.
Aww poor Shawn)):
I ought to go walk homer before Writer's group.
I think i had something intelligent to say, but upon realizing that it was an intelligent thought, it figured it didn't belong with the slush in my brain and so, left.
I think the smell of secondary school boys has clung to me!
EEE BOOOOBIEEE! SO SMELLYYYY
why a sock would call another sock "boobie" is beyond me. But 'tis cute!
I caught Crimewatch yesterday and was quite unable to take my eyes off the rubber tire around the band of my gross fbts.
It looked like I had come straight from swimming and forgotten to take off the rubber tire to keep my flats afloat.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Do you know, there's a difference between feeling deeply and crying.
I've got so much, cancelled out, rewritten and cancelled out again.
Can't really put to words when i'd rather curl up and snuggle into Zachy, pretending that well, that someone actually gives a droplet of shit.
Nothing helps when no one cares,
and there's no one to pick up the phone and cry to.
Everything risks a danger of you bursting into tears, no one wins and everyone loses.
I could use another cigarette
but don't worry daddy, i'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and i miss you
like you were mine
i may seem naive if i cry as you leave
like i'm just one more tortured heart
these cracks that i show as i'm watching
you go aren't tearing me apart
the angels said i'd smile today
well who needs angels anyway?
meaning, your memories are best left untouched.
"Size does matter"
varies in reference to either of the special anatomy
"Your tongue piercing won't ever close"
as hard as you try, it won't.
like how dying your hair blonde everytime the roots show, won't ever permanently change your hair color.
The part of you that's supposed to remain, will remain.
is all that i want to keep in mind.
All that i would prefer to hold tight in my fist and keep close to my heart.
I'll try hard not to look at anything else when the tears come and i feel like throwing myself out the window.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Who knew it'd be this hard to find an actress!
Been browsing through the actors' database, only to successfully find truckloads of...
okay i should stop being mean here.
It's just amazes me that someone with two pictures of herself, neither nicely taken, and with no CV uploaded, can be on the site at all.
Everyone's either too good or too bad.
Why is this so hard! And why do i have to lose my contacts around this time!
I should stop blogging so much.
Why do i even bother with well thought out bullshit that nobody reads anyway?
This is a city drowning in the cacophony of voicelessness-
I don't often come up with pretty lines, or have epiphanies-of-the-day. I'm not as brilliant as Victor.
Back to point,
this is something that struck me as i was drafting my essay.
That this is a place where personal point of views are locked up, buried and then covered with cement to build tall shiny buildings on top of. The opinionated are an endangered species and risk being skinned alive at any first sign. Having brains means knowing how to be a perfect carbon copy.
I'm sure you all think that this is a purely biased take, and I'm just going out of my way to look for something to dislike. That's not true.
Of all the things i might not like about this country (not much to tell you, very honestly), this isn't one of them. It's merely an observation of sorts, and not exactly a baseless one at that.
Truth be told, I simply resent being brought here against my will.
I say i hate this country, but i actually really don't.
People do piss me off like crazy, resulting in my unwarranted "It's just this country" statement, but I mean, this is where I've spent most of my life already.
I have friends here who are family.
As much as i might lie to myself and tell myself that I will fit in when I'm in the States or even the UK, the truth is, I don't think I will.
I'm just unfortunate enough, to have been born in place A, bred in place B and will spend (probably) the rest of my life in place C. Sad, but quite true.
My point is, I am finally admitting that i don't hate this country.
I just sometimes hate living here, knowing I could be in two other places which seem more ideal.
I'll probably just get over there, to find out that carpet-grass is no greener anywhere.
Okay, my major digression was to solidify, somewhat, the ground I'm tip-toeing across. Though as you already know, fat girls like Charis Vera can't tip-toe anywhere without the entire world knowing about it.
I really am not talking about the government or play political tennis because not only do i have no clue how, I am also a complete ditz. Fullstop.
What my thoughts were straining towards was more like random conversations at Starbucks or CoffeeBean but most of the time, Macdonalds. (People never seem to chat for hours at a Kopitiam do they?)
I definitely don't mean conversations with my group of friends because our chatter and laughter, highly-spirited(i mean that literally) or not, is usually a cause of dirty looks being thrown our way.
I'm leaning towards the quiet talks that convent girls (sorry, steph, zoe, hannah, michelle, nad and the rest!) gather round stone tables to have. The kind of deep discussions that yes, PL girls, and students from other methodist schools/schools which have academics spewing onto their sidewalk have.
Anyway, these conversations, especially when it concerns school, or especially when it includes adults, usually center around what you've been doing since the O's, what you plan on doing with the rest of your life, and stuff like that.
Common answers like bankers, accountants, lawyers, doctors, teachers- those get you an approving nod.
If you say something like MISSIONARY! or even a plastic surgeon or GASP! AN AUTHOR!- you get this "do you really think you'll make it" look.
-Who'd have thought you can go wrong with the first, right? But the truly old-fashioned wrinkle their noses and tell you what a burden you'll be to your poor ailing parents.
-The second makes them think that you have serious issues about yourself and therefore want to help people change the way they look. (After that, when no one's around, they'll ask you to remember them so they can get a discount)
-The third, or anything in the line of arts that promises to be as stable as a Unicycle, or anything that is under arts, period, would set you in for a three hour lecture from EACH aunty, uncle, toilet cleaner, great grand uncle three times removed. A lecture that mostly centers around how you're setting yourself up for complete failure, how "Ger ah ger, you are doomed" how will your parents cope when arts is so "EH-SPANG-SIEVE" to study. How will you support them, no one wants to marry girls who have to kiss their co-stars. Etc.
I'm lucky enough to say, i haven't heard it all yet. Though of course, I probably will soon enough.
See, in my long, round-about way, I have come back to my point!
Anything that's different, earns you a lecture. Anything that hints at you taking a step on the less-taken path gets you pitying looks and questions like, "How's your mother?" In a soft, gentle way that reads "Poor soul must be suicidal by now".
You won't believe how many times I've heard stuff like this.
It started when i left school of course. At the mention of "private school", their eyes grew distant and you could hear them thinking "Wah, lucky my ger not like that." Then they tell me to study hard in a way that says, "This is the last time i'll see her like this because she will become a demon-child."
At the mere mention of arts (which i've been excited about since i was eight), I've had my knee patted and a condescending smile flashed before they tell me that, i should "concentrate on studies" and "play during holidays".
In this culture (the Asian one is the only one I know),
when an eight year old (I chose eight because by this time, they're taken more seriously) goes, "I WANT TO GROW UP AND BE A LAWYER!" The adults applaud and laugh and tell the parents how blessed they are and "Isn't she cute! She will be successful, I tell you!"
When an eight year old goes, "I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS!" The adults cast apologetic looks at the mother before they all take turns to tell her that, "No, little girls must grow up to be smart."
Thank you very much.
Now when they see me they like telling me that, "Wah big ger now ah, I saw you on TV. Wah so sahsessfool (successful) ah, on mediacorp some more! I tell my friends know! That you from young like that one leh! Lucky ah, we encourage you! We got right! Tell you must play during holidays!"
Slight exaggeration but, same food different gravy.
Maybe some of us think the arts is a pointless career and some of us don't. But those who don't are unlikely to stand up in a roomful of academics and say, "I'm chucking my scholarship for acting classes." They're unlikely to do that even if it was just a roomful of mirrors anyway.
I've always felt that you need to figure out your reason for doing something. These were words that Mrs Suzanne Tan left me with and which I always go back to. If you don't know why you're doing something, that initial spark of excitement's gonna die out and you won't see your shit through.
It's not that i didn't like studying you know, it's just that i hated my everyday being exactly the same. I didn't want to be stuck in school because "i had to", because "it's the right thing to do", and because "everyone's doing it".
So i went off and made sure that I was studying for me.
It's sad that, even if there are a hundred teenagers out there who think the same, they won't do it. And they might not exactly have such supportive mothers either.
These people who go to school for the sake of going to school and study for the sake of studying, either explode and become slush-brained turds stuck to the telly OR they get stuck in dead-end jobs, with the same saying that's pulled them through school; "I do this because I have to do this."
This is a city drowning in the cacophony of voicelessness-
Some are desperately trying to find their own voices, while others are selling them to Ursula for that pimple-plantation-scholar-prick-with-278 for psle-who-thinks-like-everyone-else.
That happiness that shines straight out of your eyes,
the constant flush on your cheeks,
fingers with the tell-tale ring (or at least the mark left behind),
arms free from fresh cuts and a smile that constantly tugs at one's lips.
This contagious delirium most of the time, walking around on clouds and a glow that fills you from toe to toe.
It's lovely to see the others in coupledom going strong;
Even if it does sting you just a little, knowing that you both started the relationship around the same time and they've made it (more or less).
You'd almost take back that blog post just now.
Not a chance darlings.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It's phenomenon is, according to Prebles' Art Forms, an oxymoron in itself.
That without light, color would cease to exist and yet, light itself is seen only as white or colorless.
But then again, if everything made sense, then this wouldn't be life.
Like the saying,
"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
Sometimes it must be too good though,
cos it feels like we're gonna fall off anyway.
Hit the ground baby,
hit the ground and run-
this is adorable, i read it off my friend's blog. she was talking about her dad-
Pops:"Kathy Gul, I'm making a move to the driving range ah. Wash the turtle, it's too green (me: "???!!!?"). Eat your nasi lemak and take care of the house, make sure your mother doesn't leave the iron on the parquet floor again, scully the black hole becomes worse. Laterwe're going to goodwood for dinner, make sure Ryan doesn't wear his purple shirt. He looks damn niang in that shirt, Felicia later wont want to marry him ok. And please get out of your room ah gul, always stuck in your room. Dance around the house or somthing, i didn't by this house for the space for nothing ah... ok... (scratches belly) bye."
Your facade will crumble, and your masquerade will end.
Sometimes I almost wonder, if it's me i'm looking at in the mirror.
If perhaps, I am who I am, because I keep telling myself that.
I wonder if the nitty gritty does actually bother me, except i'm too busy to notice.
Or really, am i busy because i don't want to notice?
No, there's no one i'm thinking about as I fall asleep at night.
God maybe, believe it or not. And how i feel bad because i've gotten my life back on track with him and yet, haven't been spending that much time.
Besides Him, there's the odd fleeting thought now and then, but i'm usually asleep too soon to think much about it.
I'll tell you what keeps me awake for the last half hour before sleep takes me though:
The knowledge that i'm so absorbed in Singledom that there isn't anyone for me to fall asleep thinking of. The idea, that Singleton has taken over me so completely that while I very much miss falling asleep in someone's arms, I freeze at the idea of a relationship. And i do mean that literally, mind you.
One of the last times i slept over at Vee's, i crawled into bed still slightly woozy but more tired than anything. When i was about eighty percent in lala land, floating images of me and a particular guy going into a relationship together attached themselves and taunted my semi-consciousness. I completely jolted awake, mentally. Eyes wide open, staring out into the dark and my chest heavy. I kid you not, i even found it difficult to breathe.
I figured, at that point, that i had become a complete commitment-phobe.
I'm not anymore, i'm figuring out.
What still is true is that-
1) I'm too lazy to start anything
2) Too busy to
3) I've given up on guys and I'm too vulnerable with girls
4) I'm too damn lazy
5) I'm quite enjoying being swinging single
6) I need a whole bunch of space
7) I'm too damn effing lazy
8) and i think there's a part of me that's
insanely scared of falling and hurting again.
That last bit's my inner-self speaking, the inner-self that tells me to stop because buying a pack now will keep me hooked on for the next week and a half.
It's rather sobering, that thought.
I guess I've never found myself at a point where i didn't know that he-01 preferred coffee over tea, or that he-02 always liked hot drinks and took exactly three packets with his coffee, or that she-01 felt the same about divorce as i did. That she-02 never thought she could fall as hard, or that he-03 was scared shitless about exams even though he studied superbly hard for O's, That he-04 hated his dad, and she-03 had been in love with a man once and he is still the only guy she'd sleep with or that ohigiveup.
I think i used to ask, once way past the point of sensitivity, how it felt and if it got lonely.
Being swinging single is very different from being single and in love/crushing on every other living thing (though i swear i wasn't like that).
And i would ask, in all my naivety, of the one area i knew absolutely zilch about.
Strange isn't it, the hand that deals you life's cards?
I've been digressing like a freaking train wreck! ugh!
My point is, I'm wondering if I feel this way largely due to what i tell myself.
I'm quite, quite sure that the close-to-ten reasons listed somewhere above hold truth,
so that leaves me asking why I still let my mind wander to the very remote areas that occasionally think about a relationship.
Most of me is scared out of my mind, to tell you the truth.
I don't see myself getting into anything majorly serious until i'm well past University. Which, as you probably know, differs greatly from the me who thought i'd be married by 24 and popping out kids by 26 (so that getting back into shape is easier. not that i have much of a shape anyway).
Another worrying bit is the line that goes "nothing majorly serious until..." because, as you probably would know too if you're a friend of mine, I've never been a fan of swanning in and out of relationships and would never get into a relationship with someone i couldn't see myself with, long-term. Not even a remote chance.
Reading this particular book (which is pink and which i am reading) is also kind of what got me thinking.
I've wondered how the 25% of my generation, who are unmarried by choice, feel. Surely, there must be those lonely late night moments where they are suddenly uncomfortably aware that, while they have their career, a cat and a gorgeous penthouse, they are also sexless and alone and even if they're not, might have a tendency of waking up beside unknown hairy strangers and being caught in them dingo-gnaw moments.
La Trahison Des Images-
Though Rene Margritte's art piece has nothing to do with what I am talking about, her title caught me for a bit more than a moment.
It pretty much brings me all the way back to what i meant (or was trying to mean) from the very beginning-
Is this all but a front?
Can YOU answer that? Can I?
We can tell ourselves things, make excuses and even lie. Shamelessly.
But we be the fools eating thine own shit.
Most of the time, we don't know.
So i guess i'm still very big on gut feel and following your heart and all that jazz.
Inside and out, i'm very much a die-hard romantic who, scarily enough, might even be in love with romanticism itself.
Trompe L'oeil, another quote to keep besides C'est La Vie.
It's up to you to decide whether you're fooling the eyes of those around you, or your very own.
Such is life anyways.
You're the lie, that you tell yourself
late in the night
You're the rain, that's still falling
just before the sunrise
And when bodies melt,
like ours did
And faces, they fuzz
You're her truth,
oh that she believes
And yet she is your lie
We're the pieces, of a broken vase
too shattered to fix
We're the dogs, on the shortest leash
too far away for this
But when bodies melt,
and it's not ours
Memories, they blur
You're the truth
that she grips on to
And you believe in your lie
She's the rose, you fall back upon
thornless and pure
The antidote for sorrow,
might she be your cure
But when memory boxes come unlocked
and sand vials break
You're standing there, clothing her in shame
and you're the truth that she'll hate
For now bodies melt,
and it's not ours
In the dark it's not her.
And while you're her truth
She's fallen for you-
She's still your lie
(c) Charis Vera Ng
March 18th 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
i didn't quite succeed in posting seventeen posts on my seventeenth birthday.
And yes, i cheated and just changed the dates. hahahah
The day didn't really feel like my birthday, to be honest.
I was up at half past six and rushing for a show that started at half past seven.
As is normal with morning traffic and Murphy's Law, i was unable to get a cab.
Then, we turned into the wrong avenues and basically, took a million years.
Shawn's calling me, freaking out and im freaking out so bad i could cry!
The show, starting in the next ten minutes, AND I WASN'T EVEN THERE.
The cab swung into school, finally but his nets machine refused to work. I grabbed it and freaking MADE IT WORK before dashing upstairs.
I was backstage LESS THAN A MINUTE BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED.
I threw off my clothes, accidentally flashed a couple of kids and, still panting, stood in position.
I was the first character to begin-
My mind blank, the mic having not been tested, my first few lines were lost on top of the fact that i had to keep from panting into the mic.
But really, i think those were one of our better shows.
Pumped up by adrenaline and contact lens-less, i was unable to look out at a sea of faces and feel embarrassment, SO
what the hell, lets go all out to make a fool of myself.
I thought it was fantastic. hahaha
Anyway, i canceled on Victor to go home and sleep instead.
Stopped by for breakfast with Carol and when i got home, gratefully crawled back in and slept til two.
I was restless though;
felt like i'd wasted a day, that it didn't feel like my birthday. Stuff like that.
I wanted to go out to Jazz at Southbridge but thought against that in the end because, well, it was too far and i was too fat to waddle all the way there.
i sat at home, wrote Seventeen posts (or most of them anyway),
read the papers, got pissed off by a couple of locals.
Same old, same old.
Went to grapevine for dinner with Vic and my family though.
Was nice, and well, quiet.
Came home and resumed my back to back blogging until three the following morning. I swear.
But you won't be able to tell from the dates of course. haha
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
no, it wasn't really that bad for me.
This is a huuuuuuuuuuuge Thank You to all the absolute darlings who came for my dinky Birthday Dinner at Crosskeys-
Thanks for being my date, and i'm soooo sorry you ended up like in a corner)):
Thank you for the drop dead gorgeous wallet which i'm so incredibly in love with,
your really cute card (and yes i noticed the bible verse is 3:17. haha)
Above all, thank you for everything you've done for me as a friend/brother/naggy grandma (:
(hehe eme, i thought this picture was adorable la)
To the life of every party;
Vee, Eme, Steph, Zool and Paul :
Thank you so so soooo much for coming.
Paul- i swear, i'm insanely happy you came because i had no idea how to freaking contact you! Thanks for coming, albeit straight from CHURCH. haha
Zool- you absolute sweetheart you! What kind of party would it have been without you!
I've found someone skankier than me and i just loooooove you!
Steph- Thank you sooo much for coming, it's such a shame that Kim didn't but OH WELLS, HER LOSS! Thank you so much for your wonderful birthday present, i absolutely looooooove them. They are effing gorgeous, and I AM ALIVE AFTER EATING THEM.
i'm kidding, i love you!
Eme- THANK GOD YOU CAME OTHERWISE THERE WOULDN'T BE PICTURES! HAHAHAHA
I loooooove the lippy and the adorable pink purse. NO, it is NOT big enough to put pads! Like ten tampons, and pantyliners but your pads must be damn small lah! hahahah
Beau- Haven't called you that for ages now have i darling?
Thank you for the lovely CD which has stayed in my cd player since that night and is playing as i type this out right now. I too don't listen to newish singers but you're right, she IS fantastic.
You letter made me freaking cry and i feel very stupid but oh wells.
THE REST OF THE PARTY, INCLUSIVE OF THOSE NOT IN THE PICTURE;
Cheez, Ner, Janice, Paddy, Tanny & Lizard:
YOU'RE NOT IN THE PICTURE)):
Thank you for the lovely flowers darling, i really really do love them. I wish I had a picture with you because you looked so adorably cute!((:
On top of everything else, I wanted to thank you for being such an amazing brilliant friend. For being my perfect drinking buddy and holding my hand when i'm too high to cross the damn road(:
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY UP NEXT SWEETHEART, AND I'LL MAKE IT FANTASTIC!
I love you so so sooo much babe. I will personally kill and rip off the hair of the next bitch who dares to break your heart. I loooooove you, swear I do((:
Cheez- I hope you had fun sweetie. I'm so sorry you ended up in the corner, i've never seen you so quiet before! hahaha.
Thank you so much for coming and for the CD from you and Vee. LOVE MUCH
Happy Two Years, even though you've been with Lizard for Eight):
Don't worry, i still love you.
One day i'll go down and eat the CRAP that you make. ((:
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVE A PICTURE THAT I TOOK WITH YOU WHEN I WAS SEC ONE AND YOU WERE SEC THREE? hahahaha
You kind of don't look any different.
And you know, i kinda miss seeing you in the PL Uniform which looked like a night dress on you. haha.
Thanks so much for coming, even though the owner seemed to keep walking past you guys and even though, it was more like a private date for you and T. haha
HOPE YOU BOTH HAD FUN
Ner- I need to stop saying "Thanks for coming" to everyone because i have only proven how much i'm seriously lacking in vocabulary. hahaha.
I really hope you enjoyed dinner my dear.
When I went home, I opened a letter I had written to myself four years back,
came the bit which said, "Do you remember Neri?" back when we still called you that, haha. "I hope you guys are still friends. When you read this you'd better go call her!" hahahaha.
Thank God for you, and the fact that we still ARE friends:D:D
This is the only picture i have of you, all emo and lonely and blueeeeeee.
The best boyfriend in the entire wooooooorld, us girls would be lost without you!
Thank you for that fantastic wallet from you and Enqing. I love it love it.
And yes, you're the only one who knows (not anymore clearly) that i'm not really writing this at a quarter to midnight on my birthday. hahahah
Thanks so much for like waddling all the way down from Bukit Gombak or something.
I'm gonna scream because i picked Sunday cos of your monday night class which you didn't got for in the end. hahahahah
it's a shame we didn't get our steambath and spa, but nonetheless,
the mani-pedi was fantastic aaaand i got to spend time with you.
Hope you had fun that night, sitting beside Lizard (YES LIZARD, I CAN SEE YOU!)
I love you.
THEE ADORABLE LITTLE CREATURE:
I save the best for last okay! hahaha
Even though your picture was like, up there.
i'm glad that you didn't feel like all awkward and stuffs. Thanks for being there, and thank you for the first half of your very very pretty present (yes that's how far from march 17 it is. haha)
Hope the food was good,
though you got to go home with ME which i bet makes you a happy little creature((:
These are the superbly wonderful muffins baked by Steph.
i just realized i didn't even have a cake this year, but anyways, these sufficed.
And they're just wonderful, really they are(:
where should I begin?
The sixteenth of March started off with mommy and I waking up obscenely early in order to go to the spa. Upon our arrival, and only after checking us in, did they tell us that the jacuzzi was due for maintenance.
The world ended as i knew it and i started hyperventilating. Okay, not really. But having a small hint of OCD, i was clueless as to how to arrange my hair, my face mask, nails without ruining it when i went home to bathe. grr.
It's very tough okay, my entire timing got messed up.
mommy and i went for a mani-pedi first.
Then i went aaaaall the way home, and gave myself a very nice face mask.
After THAT, i went aaaaaall the way back to Pasir Ris (our would-be spa was in Tampines),
to get my hair washed and set at Jessie's.
Following soon after, I went back home again, to bathe and get ready.
Aren't I fabulous?
You see, i simply can't put on a face mask after my hair is set because then my hair would get messed up. But if i'm careful, i can still bathe after my hair's done. So there!
I thought dinner was great, though i felt really bad for Tanny and Lizard who seemed not even to be talking to each other. Instead, they would sneak downstairs to talk. (mmm. a lil somethin' somethin' eh!) hahaha
Other than the initial confusion about where we should all be sitting, dinner itself was fine though a few were at moments, a bit absorbed in the handheld game.
The champagne was too old to be popped, sadly. sighsighsigh.
But it worked out just fine in the end of course, as it always does. haha
We all had dessert too!
Except by that time, i moved to the other end of the table with mommy and Enqing and the others probably gobbled down dessert before taking pictures. hahahaha
This was just lovely!
At the end of the day, i had enjoyed myself, although the group was a tad big to spend time with everyone.
I'm sorry for that, but i hope you guys had a good time nonetheless.
To those who couldn't make it:
Bird, Twin, Ann and DD
if i said you didn't miss much, that would be lying. But we would've had tonnes more fun if you guys had been there!
We ate in remembrance of you though! Especially Bird and D who aren't in the country.
For Twin and Ann who had work, don't feel bad.
You guys were missed and we love you:D
A fish (the old time symbol of Christianity) with the words
Grace -in greek- inside it.
Okay so i might not have been the best little Christian girl all my life.
Yet isn't that the entire point?
It pretty much amazes me over and over again,
how at the end of the day,
i find myself crawling all the way back.
I fall away, digress, purposefully turn away sometimes too,
and at the end of the day, there is still someone waiting at the door for me with the light on.
Believe me, i'm not just looking for things to blog about right now.
Earlier on, i read a girl's blog.
A girl who, tattooed and pierced and whatnot, had an emo moment.
We all have those moments don't we?
And then she asked if Jesus was still there.
As i read her words out, i found my eyes filling with tears and i realized with this awful pang that we are like that.
All of us.
Saying, "I don't need You, You're no help."
Facing the world alone and then coming back with our tails between our legs.
HERE YOU GO!
MORE RANDOM PICTURES FROM FRIDAY. ALL THESE PICTURES ARE FROM EME'S CAMERA. :D
I'm just thinking about that night and realized just how much i truly enjoyed myself.
It's also the knowledge that i enjoyed myself more than i would've if we'd joined the party across the road!
Here's to drinking too much wine, breaking the wine glasses and screeching with laughter so the rest of the world will share our joy!
I want to look back on this, ten years on and know that i'm still enjoying myself with the same darlings((:
LA can be a tad bit far off.
Vicky, my darling beau, won't you just be the most perfect Godma for my first kid!
We're getting just that little bit closer to the end of my seventeen posts, aren't we?
such drama on my birthday!
On my way to the bus, i kinda clipped a lady(ie; knocked into her).
I apologized to her, was rushing for the bus and made my way up where she still stood outside screaming in mandarin.
Mommy apologized too until, after my angry mandarin screams, mommy yelled back at her saying that we've already apologized so shut up and give it a rest. (No she didn't really sound that bad)
Then the bus driver gave me flak because the ez link card scanner sensed my secondary school ez link card.
I honestly thought he was pretty damn brainless (or bored).
I mean, i've already scanned in using the correct card haven't i? And it's not like i was even trying to use my secondary school card in the first place, it just happened to be in my wallet.
Oh my word,
He even said,
"I let you off this time"
So incredibly grateful that you didn't take a card out of my wallet and retain it simply because it was in my possession when it was issued to me in the very first place.
sigh. why waste my time!
Oh look, isn't Paul such and absolute pretty boy!
I think soooo!
I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a long song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
We find our feet again,
slip them back into those gorgeous shoes, and wonder why we spent the last year in flats that didn't flatter us.
We walk away, from the bullshit and the curveballs that life has hurled our way. Tear up letters that have become empty words in fading ink.
We cry, and toss our bottles of tears onto the road, to hear it shatter and spill open.
Blow the world kisses,
write down wishes and let them go with a helium-filled balloon.
We're walking fast, faster now.
Then we're running.
Not caring if we fall, or if our heel gets caught.
We're running, like our life depended on it, and it actually just might.
running far far away from you,
and closer to the rest of our lives.
Why did You hold me,
knowing that after the storm I'd leave
Knowing I'd turn around and not believe
Knowing that I would walk away all over again.
- (c) Charis Vera
And in an empty church hall, there is an old woman crying over the loss of her son, who left for University but chose to never come home.
There is a child sobbing, still believing that Daddy and Mommy will get back together one day.
There is a lost kitten, hungry and cold, curled up and dozing off below the pulpit.
A self-righteous father walks to the altar asking what made his daughter marry a girl after the godly life he has lived.
A lady sings to herself in the last pew; Of mercy and grace and peace.
And behind shadows and cobwebs, hidden from full view, he is there.
Where the light streams in through the stained glass at a perfect angle spilling light over the beam and the rope.
A blue light it is, tinged with flecks of purple, red and orange-
And it bathes him in this tiny spectrum of colors,
his toned, muscled body, streaked with blood play and stained with
"Only Jesus Can Judge Me" stretching from shoulder to shoulder.
It colors him, from his sand-colored hair to the back of his knee, in this very same blue,
closely missing the words tattooed on the back of his calf which says,
"Feel a fraction of me".
In an empty church hall, someone cried and lost, hurt and fell.
In an empty church hall, someone clambered for a way out.
Naddy, the absolute darling.
Now wouldn't i be lost without you love?
This was during the shooting of Char Kway Teow.
Clearly, it was post makeover and so, i don't look like a sumo wrestler anymore.
Just in case you're wondering why i'm being annoying and pouring in with posts,
i'm going to do seventeen posts on the seventeenth of March
on my Seventeenth birthday.
i know i'm kind of cheating myself because, actually, it's alright after midnight.
But i'm gonna keep changing the time so that my posts ends at 12am.
It would've been impossible for me to put up these pics at the stated 9:50pm,
considering Naddy only posted them up after eleven.
i am good at Cheat:D:D
It really starts me wondering you know-
How one moment, for months and months and months on end, someone can declare undying and everlasting love for one person and yet, after a breakup, in a matter of DAYS, she's with someone else.
I'm not talking about right and wrong, cos there isn't such a thing.
What i'm talking about is how bewildering it is, the entire idea.
I don't know, isn't it? To you?
It's funny, that whole "forever and ever" and "it's gonna be a nice 90 years bunnykins" thing, but like, it just took- what was it- all of two, maybe three days, but definitely less than a week, for her to jump into the arms of the next guy and go
"I love my laogong!" (all the nicknames aren't real by the way.)
In someone else's case, it was her true love. Or so she thought.
Lost her virginity to him and the whole nine yards, major drama.
While Victor says that nothing is more real to a teenager than hormones, are we really governed completely and utterly by, excuse me, or dicks and cunts?
She was absolutely sure they were made for each other, and there must have been an ounce of truth in it because til today, she's still in close contact with him and they're great friends, sharing loves and losses.
She told me how painful it was and how she hung on "for a very very long time" and was in absolute tears before she "fell in love with someone else". However, it was only after the arrival of this new someone that her former lover had told her that in fact, he had loved her "all this while."
"And why," She asked, "why did he have to tell me this when i'm in love with someone else already? After all this time when i was holding on, thinking he had already let go, he only tells me the truth when there's someone new"
This insanely long amount of time it took her, to move on from her first true love to her second true love,
was a grand total of
about three days.
All these mentioned people are not friends (more like friends of friends of friends. don't hold anything against me please)
The whole thing i keep going back to is,
gee, for your "first true love" you really got over him pretty damn fast.
There was this other girl who kept changing boyfriends MORE than she changed her underwear. (I FUCKING SWEAR OKAY)
When i first met her, she was still crying over someone saying she'd never get over him.
A while later, there's guy two.
After that, guy two's best friend.
Guy 3,4,5 and 6 too.
In between all of them, she tells me she won't get over the last,
that she's jaded,
that guys are jerks.
Two minutes later:
SO AND SO LIKES ME AND I THINK HE'S REALLY CUTE!
okie dokie babe, okie dokie.
This is how i spent my Friday,
even though i know you don't really care.
So much for the Loser Table darlings,
because i had the time of my life and would never have wanted it any other way.
Not in the least.
Crazed flashes and drunken kisses;
sweethearts, will WE last the rest of our lives? Cos i'm reeeeeeaaaaaally hoping we will!
And there must be beauty in the places where you don't look-
Under the bed, on the cold floor.
That tight corner he hid himself in for moments too long.
That dusty corner where you can't seem to get the blood off the lines in between the ceramic tiles.
Under the table where you cried, cut, wrote poems and even prayed. Where your words gave you back your sanity and where the world couldn't touch you, even if they tried.
There must be beauty, even in something not alive-
That inextinguishable flame, the dying rose;
The swing that creaks as you sing.
The dried leaves we walk through, laughing
and an empty room that still echoes with music that is no longer playing.
There must be beauty, in the ugliest of things-
The painting ruined by the flood, the cigarette burning between two fingers,
the scars that still hurt after all these years.
Face in the mirror.
There must be beauty, even in something not alive-
A black and white photograph, a letter yellowed with fading words.
Alphabets scrawled in the sand and blown away,
a scent that still clings on to my clothes.
A room, soaked in memories and drenched in things that don't matter anymore.
Not in the least.
there must be beauty,
in the places where we don't look.
I shouldn't, should I?
Because after a while, after a while,
it starts getting to me.
we shouldn't be all moody and emo on our birthday, now should we?
No, i didn't (unfortunately) forget that it was my birthday.
hasn't really felt like it.
Yesterday was good though, just fantastic.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes", he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here", she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway".
"Now", she said, "if only I could find my parakeet".
Sunday, March 16, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU GORGEOUS LITTLE THING YOU!
THREE, AND SOOO ADORABLE!
Well lookie look!-
This is my 140th post (i have a thing for whole numbers) and it's on a uber special special dayyyy.
Besides it being little Faith's (girl in picture, twit) birthday today, it's also the day of what i hope to be my fantabulously awesome birthday dinner with a whole bunch of friends at a fantastic restaurant!
I've spent the entire day in utter luxury, though for the most part i kind of looked like shit AND the fact that the spa was having maintenance didn't help either. Clearly.
Instead, mommy and i went for a mani-pedi together. I went home to give myself a facemask (even though i did one last night. haha), ate lunch and then went all the way back to the East for my hair wash with Jessie.
you might think like, what in the world, can't you wash your hair yourself?
Yes i could, but i'd be too lazy to blowdry it and i wouldn't get a massage and gorgeously nice-smelling, advert-worthy soft hair that falls back into place and curls just right.
You might think it's not much of a diff from my everyday hair (which looks fantastic on its own. haha), but OH THERE IS.
Now, all I've to do is the final forty-five minutes of my dress up before my London Cab comes to pick me up. (I'm indulging myself cos it's my special day. HMPH)
Gosh this is just fantastically awesome,
I am soooo excited!
See you at the Dinner darlings!
Lets flood this space with pictures shall we?
My Friday was a very nice a fulfilling one.
Even though my Monday teaching was cancelled, i used my time to the full;
A bad habit that i've picked up with my busy days.
I get jittery, you see, when i have unplanned unfilled time. I feel like i have to be doing something.
So i did the laundry, made half-baked attempts to tidy my room somewhat, hung up two sets of clean laundry, went down to mediacorp and back home again (in the same cab)-
all this, before my day properly started at half past 2 in the afternoon.
I left home at that time, to meet Jolyn at Kembangan where we were to go to Jeff's place to film the Newscaster bits for News Four.
Enqing joined us later and we spent the entire afternoon- into dinner time-
filming, voiceover-ing, and doing bits of rehearsing.
Time, simply put, was well spent.
Jolyn's dad was awfully nice and dropped us off right opposite church, even though it was a tad bit out of the way.
Thus began the two major events of Friday, March 14th 2008-
Enqing and I recorded our first demo with the amazing help of Victor and his brilliance at figuring out random stuff. As well as the undying support of my two greatest, and perhaps only, fans- mommy and Janice.
The latter supported by falling asleep on the super comfy sofa in our coffee area.
Recording was tough in that, we'd do an entire song together at one shot, and in one full take.
So we pretty much left no space for screw ups, unless we wanted to piss off either one of the three of us (like i did) by bursting out in laughter mid way through the song. haha
That aside, we decided to record Mist and i, believe it or not, found it tough.
In fact, earlier in the day i thought smugly to myself how the song couldn't be recorded that well and would definitely not have its essence captured because I no longer felt the way i did when i wrote the song.
Yet, though i might not still be desperately in love with this person anymore, i found this tsunami of emotions.
Before i could completely comprehend the thoughts, and the reactions my body was giving, I found myself needing to take short breaths and keep from crying half way through the song.
And not tearing-crying mind you (which was what happened during second take), but actually, crying-crying. Crying that started during the last chorus and could be heard through my words.
And then, after that,
we had to do it again.
But i pulled through, didn't I? I'm strong(er) and think that, impossible as it sounds right now, i might just be giving my patchwork-heart away all over again. At the risk of it getting ripped to pieces along the lines of the old scars.
the recording of Mist turned out to be not so fantastic soooo (Vic and Enqing, please don't kill me) i hope i'll get to do it again.
The songs are all in the sidebar to your right, just in case you haven't noticed it just yet.
I'll be meeting up with someone later on in the week in order to arrange our gig at the Esplanade.
You guys totally have to come man.
We wrapped at about eleven and I went off to meet the darling at MS, Twelve dollars away.
I didn't know it was a club party but at the end of the day:
We waltzed into Veno Veno across the road, sat on lovely black sofas, drank fantastic wine, swapped gossip/secrets/sex shizz, cam whored, whored, broke two wine glasses and got pissed drunk on three bottles of wine.
I do agree though, we had a lot more fun where we were than if we were at the party.
I'm sure the party was fantastic, but what we had was quality time.
Irreplaceable by a mile.
After we broke the final wine glass, we left as the others spilled out of Martini Firm.
I didn't even know it yet, but I was drunk beyond drunk.
Sat beside a girl in a sweet spotted dress who looked a bit wasted, and asked if she was okay.
Found out later that she was Sam and also found out, that I wasn't all that sober.
Everything blurred in front of me and i stumbled around blindly for a bit.
Threw up a couple of times.
Was fucking famished (it was about four already) but didn't eat cos i found myself throwing up and after that, sitting beside Sam, Geran and Dom on the steps as Sam had rice and soup while some friend of hers told her she was gonna get fat on them carbs.
How ironic actually-
Vee and I were saying how likely it was for eme to get drunk and that one of us would have to look after her. And in the end, it was sort of the other way around. hahaha.
Paul joined us for prata, after Zool ran off in a cab with an unsympathetic cabbie who demanded that we pay or he'd drive Zool to the police station.
Crawled into bed at half past five in the morning, thus concluding a long-awaited, much needed night out.
I felt immensely better after porridge for lunch (Thanks Enqing, lifesaver as always!)
Like honestly, a looooooot better.
The wonders of the "sick food" mommy used to feed us with eh.
i've kind of got a craving for porridge now actually.
Today's rehearsals were fine, blocking has been sorted out which is fantastic.
But the best thing about todayyyyyy
ZOMG SOOOO HAPPYYY
After two and a half hours, we finally finally picked out a comparitively dirt cheap yet superbly cute dress for myself for tomorrow. And Enqing has the perfect outfit to match or rather, complement.
all that happens tomorrow is
a spa and steambath in the mornning, hairwash in the afternoon and hopefully i'll get to squeeze in a pedi cos i halfheartedly sloshed on silver splashes only for the fashion show.
My word, I'm so incredibly excited for tomorrow.
Absolutely can't wait and i hope that it'll go down fabulously!