Sunday, July 29, 2012


it's not a big deal. it's going to be okay.
for whatever reason it is, I haven't seemed particularly disturbed by it for a really long time. So there's no reason to start now.
We'll just um. See how it goes.
and it'll go fine.

it's not a big deal. stop freaking out.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Of all the promises he could keep

I don't understand why anyone would ever willingly go rummaging through a box like that. 
Really? How much do you possibly think can get fixed in an hour, let alone half of that? Maybe most of me is not ready yet, granted. But I don't see how... I mean...
You know, I don't even know. 
Again, isn't this just me having to sit with this stupid box and its spilt contents all by myself? 
What's supposed to happen between then and now? 
Why don't you tell me what to do with this mess on my hands?

Monday, July 23, 2012

Que Sara, Sara

Sometimes we find a regular show to latch on to, and let bits of it seep into our lives. Sometimes we draw parallels or find double images that aren't really there.
For me, that's How I Met Your Mother.

So coming from the end of Season 7, I realize that every so often, I look at where I want to be and how to start on the path towards that. And yes, those plans have taken hits. And beatings. And heck, fucking hailstorms too.
And they've changed, and/or been worked around, and/or completely thrown out the window. Five children, for example. Nope, not going to do that. Especially not for the sake of wanting to use my List Of Great Baby Names.
But however many transitions and reworks there have been, for some reason I haven't gotten to the point of just going, "You know what. I don't know and I don't care because the plans always change." Well, not yet anyway.
Which, I don't know is altogether a good thing.
I mean, I'm not overtly-ambitious I don't think, or unrealistic. Wanting five children and my own recording studio when I planned to marry a boy who didn't even know what he wanted to do as a career, now that's unrealistic.
And yet, sometimes I look at the plan and wonder why it keeps changing. More than that, I've been starting to wonder why I even still draw up plans as they change.

A few years ago I felt like I was at Point A, knowing full well that I wanted to get to Point B except with no way of getting there. Or not knowing how.
And sometimes the terrible bit is the in-between. The trudging along in the same direction until you get there. Almost two years ago, I made a choice that allows me to go 100% in one direction. Because, as The Acting Corps taught me, you can't go 70% one way and 30% in another.

There are things that I want, that I know wait for me at the end of each phase.
And while one foot in front of the other sure as hell seems like it'll take too bloody long to get anywhere, at least I'm moving right?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The sound of ripping tape and retracting blades

Today I am scared.

I think sometimes it's better when you don't have time to brace yourself for things, when I can talk about painful things the way I always do; lightly- like I haven't spent hours feeling like I'm choking on my own vomit. casually- like I haven't tried to scratch inside my own skin to be clean. Carelessly- like there isn't still something stuck at the base of my throat, like there aren't days that I can still hear him.

I don't know why some days are so much worse than others. I don't know why I find myself crying at all the wrong times, and when I'd much rather not. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm almost over it.
Aren't I?

I guess I've just spent the last few weeks taken aback by how talking about it, even only briefly, in a particularly setting, makes my heart start pounding and my hands shake. Perhaps at the knowing that we'd eventually get here. That after months of sitting on this soft couch, there are deeper buried things that need to be dug up so someone can fix me. Or at least try to.

I shouldn't have chosen today.
I need to be a better actor.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The rest of my life

So, as financial plans always tend to do,
I got started on thinking about things a little further down the road.
Okay here's the thing, I do that on a pretty regular basis anyway. But when there are more tangible things to take into consideration, when you're discussing investments and life coverages with your financial consultant who's been with you for the last three years (and you realize, "Wow, that's a while."), when the forms you fill out and the risk assessments have a column for your spouse,
when your consultant is less intent on telling you all about the newest plan and more interested in asking you about your priorities, I guess that's when you're more aware that it might be time for an upgrade in plans or you're at a good spot to reassess your life.

So here I am.

Which is a very different place from where I was when I started up my first investment/savings plan.
I mean now for one, I don't plan on taking off forever in the next five years. I've also been working for longer. I'm also counting down the years I've got left to save up for children. I don't know how healthy that is but let's not go there.

If I'm going to be talking about priorities, then it's family.
More so now than five years ago. Family like, my family now, and the one that will come along in time.

This whole thinking ahead's always given me pretty pictures, but I think it'll do me good to start sifting through what I want and where I want/ need to be and see head in that direction.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

In repair

Would you like to know the truth then?
I've been afraid.
Of what this means, of what will happen of why it sometimes feels like my insides are still breaking apart even though... Even though i'm in a better place now.

Also, I have been feeling uncomfortably child-like.

There are a few things going on that I'd rather not talk about with myself, simple because I'm afraid to. And I haven't felt like that before.
So. It's much easier to sip on green tea, open up the paper and read about a world of problems that do not belong to me.


But I've always missed you more than I was supposed to. Way too much to say, "No, you can't waltz back in and right into that space you left so long ago."
I couldn't.
Partly because I like, no I lie, I love that you're here. But mostly, mostly because I'm astounded at how perfectly and seamlessly you fit back in. I don't recognize it, but sometimes, it's like you couldn't ever have left.

But then all too soon, it's too soon. And the front door needs to be opened.
You're not mine to keep. You were supposed to be, but you're not. You haven't been for a while.
And too soon, I'm missing you more than I should all over again.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 8, 2012


If ever there was a time for a life crisis, I suppose now would be the best time. After all, it's easier to cry now. To fumble about and trip and think, "Oh, fuck it all. I feel like waiting tables because it's something I've always wanted to try."

People make it through this, they always do. We're wired that way. Tripping along until we know how to walk.

This is precisely the time that I need to mess up and think, "oh shit." Be in a massive amount of debt and still be staring at some options that will add to that rather than help me out.

I tell myself, One day at a time.
Just, just one day at a time. I'll figure something out. I always do, don't I?

How it ends.

"Something's gotta give, it might as well be our fingers."
-Andrea Gibson

I get asked all these questions-
and I've got a picture of you sitting in the palm of my hand, tucked into my wallet, bookmarking writings of my life.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Walker, there is no path

Here's the thing:
I thought I'd be happy. I thought it'd hit me like a tonne of bricks. At least, the relief at having made the decision.
But I'm not.

And here's why-
The truth is, I wish I could. That the situation, it wasn't like this for me. But I am trying to be honest. And in a world full of faceless people and tunnels with no light, in a circle where every face is familiar but no one knows anybody,
I am trying so, so desperately, to be honest.

And this is me going in that direction I suppose.
The harder way, the longer way, the certainly more expensive way I'm afraid.

I don't want to let anyone down, and I'm sorry that it already feels like I have.
But I'm chipping away at stone and brick to find a path that will last as long as wakes in the sea
and hopefully, I'll meet you on the other side.

Sent from my iPhone