Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Amidst The Flowers A Jug Of Wine
Amidst the flowers a jug of wine,
I pour alone lacking companionship.
So raising the cup I invite the Moon,
Then turn to my shadow which makes three of us.
Because the Moon does not know how to drink,
My shadow merely follows the movement of my body.
The moon has brought the shadow to keep me company a while,
The practice of mirth should keep pace with spring.
I start a song and the moon begins to reel,
I rise and dance and the shadow moves grotesquely.
While I'm still conscious let's rejoice with one another,
After I'm drunk let each one go his way.
Let us bind ourselves forever for passionless journeyings.
Let us swear to meet again far in the Milky Way.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
But I just did not need that kind of tone or attitude. Especially not today.
Christ, and I thought I was the one who had started on my time of the month. Dude, really?
Sure, I might think that it'd be infinitely less emotionally draining if I were an accountant and no, I don't even know right now if I'll last.
But it's 6.45pm on a Thursday afternoon and by some miracle, I am alive. So maybe God kinda likes me.
And I'll just keep trying.
Maybe this isn't good. Maybe I'll go act on all those lovely scenes and images I've had playing out in my head as I fall asleep.
But right now I'm still alive and I don't have a knife in my arm.
Most times, your number is the one I'm just about to dial when I feel like this. But then I tell myself it's easier if you didn't know.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
And what is frightening is the violent urgency with which your body is seized and the bizarre entwined feeling of relief and frustration as you collapse and say yes to yourself.
Yes to what you feel you can't block out anymore because you're just so tired of having to block out all the things that essentially, make you all wrong.
Like a warm coffee house in the middle of winter, an hour before midnight and right after a decent run.
Like fireplaces, a large soft couch and Enya playing above the crackling of wood.
Like kisses on your nose, and reaching for each other's hand under the table when you're in public.
Like time, for all of that.
Like tasting the rest of your life on the edge of your lips.
Like wondering where you are and how to find yourself again
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
So Charis, don't you dare start again.
Tonight I am numb.
I am numb and cold and empty.
I know I made you mad
And in all these things that I might feel,
I just mostly wish I didn't go about things all wrong.
Because it seems I do that a lot when I feel like this.
On promises to yourself that you know you'll break
On the shards of your wrongs that line the soles of your shoes.
Run. Keep running
There's a difference between being unhappy and just, not happy. And now I'm just not happy. Although I'm leaning dangerously close to being unhappy.
I don't hate this, not at all. I like it, I like it very much- the learning especially. I love all the new things I'm learning, all these wonderful concepts and history that I wouldn't otherwise have known. And I'm putting it to immediate use too.
But somehow despite that, I'm not happy.
If I said this out loud, some people might tell me to "choose to be happy". I think you can choose, up to a certain point. I never chose to be happy about work, about waking up at six in the morning, about losing my voice every other week. I never chose that. And yet I was happy. I was completely and utterly happy- with my life, with my work with the way I was, with myself as a person.
I miss that you know. I miss just being happy.
Fuck, I'll live on next to nothing, on a pay cheque that either stays at the same low number or one that goes up and down (sometimes down to nothing on some months) if it just meant me being happy again.
My cat could die, and I would walk into the classroom the next day and escape, take myself out of it for a while. I could hold myself together.
The fuck is this? I'm falling apart as I do bloody TaiChi or movement! And not cos my cat died either. In fact my life on the outside is going perfectly. I'm just blanking out for about ten hours a day. It feels like ten hours a day where I cease to exist, as opposed to finding parts of me.
It's like I live for the moments before and after and surely, surely there is something wrong.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I was still rushing work. Homework, to be precise.
I'm not a baby about things like this, or not being on the phone, but I liked that she called just to check in. Mostly, I hate that I thought I'd be done in a tick and I wasn't.
And right now I am sad and upset and frustrated in a most peculiar, mixed up sort of way.
It's just about midnight now.
I'm in bed, and I should sleep. My bag's not packed, and I will tomorrow but. It was my birthday getaway bag this week, when we went off for a few days. Completely unpacking it to put in school things would mean stepping fully back into what makes up my current everyday.
And I am resentful.
I'm hanging on by a thread and asking myself why. Because I miss my life. I really, really do.
I miss stopping to talk to my family, having time for drinks with my friends and cooking with my girlfriend. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss waking up and liking it.
I really miss that.
Just. Y'know, waking up and being really excited about my life and all geared up to go. Ohmyword, I miss that so much.
Because waking up everyday and almost wishing you were dead, that sorta takes its toll on you y'know.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Not necessarily talking or even doing the same things but just be in the same space together , y'know?
That's what I've missed.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Some of it comes with a breath of relief, some with immense, immense sadness. The sort of sadness that fills the base of your throat and chokes you up even though you're just listening.
More news that I need to get my head wrapped round though is
1) The performance week of Kuttiyatam has been brought forward. This means that it'll be right around the corner from, if not the same week as, Love Song- the musical I'm currently working on with Ethan.
Oh wait, that's not all! The end of Traditional Theatre marks the week of Post Modular Lab which ends in a final performance and assessment upon which we will be graded.
And right after that will be presentation week for all the other modules.
2) I have just found out that I will not have my Christmas holidays and that the third round of Traditional Theatre (Noh) will begin the day after Christmas!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Give me time to clear my mind
But don't close your eyes
Don't give me the chance to run away
I've got a habit of doing that sometimes
Couldn't we just, hold on a little longer
Don't close your eyes