Monday, May 17, 2010

a mass of words; scribbled, screamed, regurgitated,

thought of, thought out, breathed, taken in

Often times we say certain things because it's easier;
because listening to the spaces in between words would prove more difficult.
because sometimes, there's nothing else to say.

I miss you, for instance-
I'd smile if anyone told me that, if only just a bit. And I think, more often than we'd like to admit, when you've said it to someone once, it just gets easier and easier to say it everytime.
At the end of a text, let's say,
or after you've finished an activity that didn't involve that other person.
Whether or not you really meant it is an entirely different story.

I'm not saying anyone's been lying or anything,
it's just occurred to me that sometimes people don't really mean all the things they say.

I think I figured this out a few years back. Like, I stopped myself and thought, "Wait a minute, why am I saying Miss You when I don't? Not really anyway." And then I thought for ages about a term that would more aptly describe how I felt or what was on my mind.
And I just started thinking about it again, randomly, some time this evening.
I remember Alastair went off to Perth for like three weeks or something, and well yes, I did think about him and we'd text all of twice during the day or something,
but I distinctly remember enjoying the time I had to myself.

I mean of course I thought about him, and I'm not saying I didn't miss him at all, I did. But just not like, all the time. Because I had errands to run (a lot of it was getting his christmas present sorted anyways. haha) and I liked being able to do that at my own pace, in my own space. I liked being able to do it at all.
And I remember being particularly relieved that he wasn't around because I wouldn't have been able to lie well enough about my whereabouts and then he'd just end up finding out about his own present.
So I don't know why I'd scrawl it all over the place, every chance I got. Things about missing him and just generally sounding like I could not bloody function in his absence.
It's funny, I think.

But anyhoos,
post-realization has always had me thinking about what I say or type, and being sure I don't say things just for the heck of it.

Sometimes I think if you say things a tad too often, its meaning somewhat diminishes,
or is less so of what it is, if you see what I mean.
And I Miss Yous are very overused I find, which is kind of sad.
But then, so are I Love Yous.
Especially once you've gotten past the initial "Omg, I'm using the word Love."

I think it's a bit of a shame really,
That sometimes people get so used to saying things, or it slips out so thoughtlessly, becoming a replacement for "Goodnight" or "Goodbye" or just other simpler words/phrases that don't mean any less.
I wouldn't like to do that, I wouldn't.

Talk is cheap, we all know that.
But I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, there're things one can say (and truly mean) that'll have another believing.
Because ILoveYous and IMissYous weren't meant for decorative purposes you know.

On the other hand, sometimes you can mean what you say with every bit of you
and then hide behind the screen of overused, i'm-just-saying-this-cos-there's-nothing-else-to-say phrases and words.
Because sometimes that's a little bit easier than feeling like you're out in public when you've forgotten to put on your knickers under that super flowy dress.

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