Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I'm tired. Tired tired tired.
Brain dead, and I don't exaggerate. But I crawled back to the office with the rest and did more work until it was too late. And then I stuck myself in a cab.

And I'm so tired, I'm almost teary-eyed.
But then, I'm not tired of my life, not really. And I'm happy about that.
Jay decided to play me some songs that made me miss LA. And so I did. I stared out the cab window, half-smiling, half-too-tired-to, and I missed LA.
And her.
Well, I'd been thinking of her anyway.
LA makes me swim in a whirl of mixed feelings sometimes.
And I missed LA; The walking home in the cold, turning familiar corners and noting where I was by the Christmas Decor of each house.
But then I also remembered constantly thinking about her when I was there. And missing her. And constantly fighting things I'd never thought or felt before.
And missing her.

So sitting here, in a cab at peak hour, staring out the window while a song played itself in my ears, made me think of all the things I thought about when I missed her.
It made me smile and I didn't mind that.
And I remember why I chose to be here, and I don't mind that either.
But then I also miss LA.
I want to go back for a while. Which is funny, because I thought I'd already gotten my fix.
On my way back to Singapore, I just thought, "Oh My Gawd, I cannot possibly do two months here. Not without her."
I surprise myself with that thought, even now.
I had a nightmare last night. And it was funny because it was a nightmare. Not funny like, hahaha, funny like, weird and bizarre.

So I was back in LA for like, a month and a half.
And the first week, I'm top of the world, cozying up in one of the places in the world where I've always felt at home and comfy.
But then, the end of that first week comes around and I think, "So this is it, right?"
Except we've still got five weeks to go. Six, actually, in my dream, for some reason.
And I'm just like, "Shit, ohmygawd." And I can't do it. Like I literally, didn't know how I'd see myself through the rest of the weeks there.

Which is bizarre because I mean, much as I miss people, it doesn't happen like that.
And I just.
Well I don't know.
It was a nightmare.

I'm fantastically, absurdly tired. And I would really like to go to bed, like right now.
I would also very much like to go for a run.

I had pork today.
It tastes like a pig died in my mouth.
I only ate it for the chilli though.

Told you I was tired.

I'll buy you Rogaine, when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches, to all you tear.

Cos I,
love you more than I could promise.

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