Saturday, May 26, 2012

I'm not an actor, I'm not a star

(and I don't even have my own car)

Here's a list of some of the things I really want to do:
1) I want to read. a lot. I want to read Peter Brooke's The Empty Space. I want to read And Then You Act. I want to finish reading Grotowski's Toward's A Poor Theatre because I think it is just so soaked in brilliance sometimes that I might cry on the train.
I want to read plays. Just one after the other.
And then I want to read novels. The way I used to read through them like starved people rip through their food when it's in front of them.
And I want to go through my old Western Civilization textbook, and the one on Philosophy. And the one on Psychology. Because it is interesting and because it interests me immensely.

2) I want to watch. I want to watch plays and musicals and productions. I want to want to watch them and watch them for the pure joy of watching them. To watch because I want to, because I want to learn. Because watching plays feels like I'm taking it all in through my eyes, my skin and I can go off still thinking and talking about it.

3) I want to teach. I want to open up doors and worlds to people, for people. For students. I want to tell that teenager, "Hey, y'know, me too."
And you know, it doesn't matter that they won't be on a huge stage in a 5000-seat theatre with a full house. What matters is that at some point in their life, they felt like they could be real and honest.
Which leads me to

4) I want to volunteer. Back at the NEC, with a program I truly believe in. Nothing has sat so close to my heart (and my job) as this program has. And I believe in it with every ounce of my being. I am by no means a horsey person and probably might be a bit slow to realize that I'd get bitten if not for getting yelled out, but I like watching the kids grow and change. And I like walking alongside them for that process.

5) Muay Thai.
It's been too long.

6) Write. and write. and keep writing.
Leela said to me the other day, to just be honest. To be honest with myself.
I don't even know who I've been lying to anymore you know. I don't even...

7) Back in the sanctuary of a tiny little chapel and a book of letters I will never send.
That's where I need to be, and where I will go soon.
Because you know, finding your centre won't always happen in the studio.


I'm tired.
I am tired of myself and all these feelings and all these unanswered questions.
And feeling like I don't know when actually I do, or not knowing when I think I should. I hate feeling this ache- like my insides are wringing themselves stupid and I.
I am pretending that none of this is happening.

And you know, to be quite honest, I wish I'd never said anything to begin with. I haven't for the most part. Blocking things out work out easier than having to deal with it.
I don't know why I even tried to pretend like I could repack a box like this.


8) I want to know exactly where i stand and be happy with that.
Because I miss feeling like that.

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