Friday, May 4, 2012

Looking for something I'd actually already found

Being happy, that's actually all I need. I don't need to be rich or thin or beautiful or married, I just want to be happy. And I've never had to go looking for things to make me happy either.
I was, and I wasn't looking to fix myself by coming here, or to find a means to end up happier. None of that, I just thought that it was time to start adding new ingredients to the stir-fry that was my life and myself.

Today, during Humanities, as I listened to all this research and presentations done by my peers, as I listened to my teacher expound on things I'd never imagined before, as I tapped away at Maxine, and let myself absorb all this information, I was happy. I was happy and I wanted more- to learn more, to hear more, to understand better.
I think this is what I was looking for. And what I looked forward to. This sort of learning and discussion, this is what I wanted. Of course I see now how it is balanced out nicely or heavily by the practical side of the work. And now that I see it, perhaps it is something to come to terms with. Or maybe it is just an acknowledgement I need to make before making my leave.

Because now, whenever I go to a happy place in my head, I am left too sad for words, and breaking apart so quickly that you wouldn't have imagined I was having a lovely day.

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