On days like this,
It feels like the world is heavy with all the things it expects of me. With all the things I should and shouldn't do, should and shouldn't feel.
And it draws itself closer, closer around me, until it's pressing on my chest and filling gaps in my body with an empty, hollow, aching pain that I cannot take anything for.
On days like this, my eyes fill with this inability to pull myself out quickly enough. And my list of to-dos, clear as day, they swim in front of my eyes, daring me to reach out far enough to get at them. Except i am filled with the sense that if I do reach out, I'll only get close enough to find out it's a mirage, and I am too far away to retreat into the sanctuary of my own bed. So instead, I'll fall, face first, into coarse sand that cuts the inside of my throat as I struggle to breathe.
And on days like this, I stare in wonderment at the clock. How the numbers jump when I'm not looking. How I start off on time, but move uncomfortably close to being late, and soon enough, have missed the appointment altogether.
I don't know if it's the thought of going back that triggered this downward spiral, or if I was already unknowingly on this path of mental self-destruction and spreading my legs for a stranger just didn't seem a particularly exciting to-do for the day.
Most of me is quite sure it is the former, rather than otherwise.
But on days like this,
When my self-preservation is a tricksy thing to work with, when my willpower is doing nothing more than coiling itself around my frame like heavy smoke and suffocating me, when I think I might be possibly forgetting how to function-
I think, I need you. Right here.
To hold me and keep me safe, even if it's only from myself.
Even if it's only to quell the pain I'm only thinking up in my head.
The biggest thing I'm fighting off is intangible, explain-away-able. And all it is,
is all-consuming, paralyzing, fear.
Sent from my iPhone