Thursday, January 17, 2008


I was a freshman in University. And there was this girl.
After seeing her a few times, I found myself thinking of her all night.
Every single day, every minute.
I'd look at my watch and wonder what she was doing, at that precise moment.
I liked her. I liked her very much, but I didn't tell her.
I wanted to tell her. All the words and scenarios were inside my head, but when I saw her, they just left me.

When I spent my first week in the army, she wrote me a letter. I was really really happy because I'd never received mail from girls before.

Then one day, she just left the University. Left, and never came back.
I had her address, I knew where she lived, but I just let it be.

Ten years later, we happened to meet.
I told her then, that I really loved, i mean liked, liked her. She said she wished I told her before.
I asked her if she knew though, and she said she did. Then I asked why she left without a word. She told me that she needed to do something strong and decisive. She was worried about graduating, her career and earnings. She couldn't wait; I didn't tell her earlier.

By the time we met, she had a daughter and a son. My feelings for her hadn't changed.
It's okay, so we're just friends.

"Gosh that's so sad!"

(Laughs) No it's not. It's not sad. It's good memories.

"But you guys could be married now or something!"

No no, I am happy now. (Laughs)
I was this, the Beautiful Disaster.


Evol, like the weird evil except pronounced in a cartoon villian way, is Love spelt backwards.
oh i don't know, really.
I had a lovely class today, where the main part of our conversation centred around this very topic.

Love is the first thing, but then to follow it is responsibility.
Responsibility to each other.

You swear, in front of the church and God, to love each other, for a very long time.
Forever. Until you die.

Emotions are moving (changing).
Emotions are moving, that's the problem!
You can love someone. Love someone with all your heart.
But at this particular moment when you're lonely, you'd think someone else is beautiful.

"I know, I know what you mean."

You, you.
You're some kind of miracle
Oh you, you
You're a miracle, a miracle
to me.

What does it mean?

It's like something that's great and wonderful. An act of God.
She's saying that to him; That he's a miracle.
Unbelievable, unexpected. God-sent.

Love is a miracle.
I think love is a miracle.

Yes indeed.
You know, i think that too.


Classes with Zee (i'll just call him that now), feel fruitless and an absolute waste of time.
I feel awful for his dad. Feel like, it's all just a waste of time and money.
I feel like he's not trying, he doesn't even want to.

It's not about being slow or not understanding. I could be patient if he was mentally challenged. The fact, the problem i would say, is that he is not! Not only is he not mentally challenged, he is normal and probably quite smart; Considering his preference for self-studying.

But he doesn't even want to try.

me: So, tell me how do you feel about the song?
zee: I feel nothing. I don't feel anything.

me: (annoyed and sighing heavily) okay, did you like it, hate it, what?
zee: I don't like it. But I don't hate it also

me: If you could write a song, what would it be about?
zee: Life.
me: What about it?
zee: It is not good.
me: And? What about it?
zee: Nothing else

me: (giving up) okay, fine okay. You can go now
zee: I think life is a bad thing
me: Really?
zee: I don't like it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't human
me: mmhmm. sometimes i do too

It's startling sometimes, to imagine that people i know can be from the same species.
Difficult to understand in fact.

C'est la vie.

I cooked dinner tonight. T'was fine and practice (and after than a youtube video) delayed Enqing quite a bit. I feel awful, considering he's ill.

I did something today though;
I deleted this particular song i wrote, with the initial intent of having Alastair put music to it. It reeked of teen angst, melodrama and emotions. A lot of it real, i must admit.

But i looked at it today, like i read through it at random sometimes,
and i thought, what's the point?
It's horribly sad and doesn't reflect a thing.

So i deleted it.
Like i've been cleaning out other areas of my life.

Thank God for Yooooouu((((((:


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