so.

Victor said something like, I haven't had to deal with the day to day of being single.
Of having absolutely no one to call and being horribly and disgustingly lonely.

I'm cheating, because I've always had attention.

Okay,
so maybe I'm an absolute attention slut.
Or maybe, it's just been too long ago to remember how much it really hurt.

To wake up and not have anyone text you, and fall asleep only by imagining that someone was right there to hold you.
Maybe it's so far away that I can look back at it and laugh and call myself stupid.
I think that's all I mean really.

It's too far away to remember what it felt like to have a breakup on top of everything else;
to stay up til three and walk around in the park,
doze off and wake up at half six to stare out the window at a school i loved but couldn't call my own,
and have my first drink by half eight in the morning.

So i can write about it like that, and sound like a disgusting self-piteous emo teenager who can't get over herself,
but i can't feel anything anymore.

Then again, maybe that was the point to begin with.





And then for the first time,
something hurt.

Maybe i'm wondering if Victor's right.
That I'm a complete hypocrite telling Alastair that he's dependent on all those relationships and that he allows them to define him.
Perhaps I am exactly like that.
Worse even, because I seem to drop my knickers for anyone who smiles in my direction.


It hurt like a motherfucking bitch.
I'm guessing it's because I don't have the guts to see the truth in what he said.