Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"You don't quit. You just stop for a while."

Today, different alarms started going off after 5:15am, at random intervals.
I was up by 5:43am, and have not stopped since.
The two hour in-between classes, I spent working. The hour and a half I had between my last class and CCA, I travelled and then spent leftover time working some more.

My last class started at 3pm.
I gave them a five minute breather in between, during which I continued on the other script I've been working on.
My last class ran over by over half an hour.

But my day, it was good. It went fantastic, especially compared to yesterday.
My classes were smooth, sure my voice will go, but things were where I needed them to be.
By the end of the day though, my brain sort of wasn't.

Dazed, I crawled into a cab. Fighting the urge to open up Maxine.
We had dinner, the family and I. We got home early.
And the little creature and I, we laughed and spazzed and things were sort of okay.

I'm tired too.
Of holding myself back from things, of holding up walls, of pushing things forward.
I'm tired too, you know.
I'm tired too.

and after that single hour, that single hour in ages that I sat down and properly watched telly with The Little Creature, that single hour I allowed myself to breathe,
I'm back here doing work.

Don't. Okay?
Don't walk in and throw accusations at me when you do not, and I say this with absolute certainty, do not, have the slightest inkling of the deadlines that I'm up against. Of the things I need to do in order to meet those deadlines.

I'm sorry that you're tired, and I'm sorry that I don't help out very much.
But I'm struggling to keep my own walls up and to keep my own floor from caving.

I'm sorry that there is, and has, and will always be just that little bit more that I could've done. That I could do or that I can do and that I don't.
I'm sorry that there is absolutely nothing I can do that might possibly be enough for you.
I'm sorry, okay?

Now, I would sit here and be a little bit more upset except here's the thing-
I've got a deadline to meet and I simply do not have the time. Not for this, not to feel like this, and not to sort out these feelings.
I don't have time because, just like in between classes and in between schools and in the five minutes break within a class,

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