Monday, February 20, 2012

Chasing Pavements

This morning, as I do some mornings, I wake with a thought nestled somewhere in the blurry, sleepy haze in my head.
Well to be honest, I wake up every single morning with that thought there, some mornings it is just more present than it is absent- but all the same it is there.

And this morning it is there again; like a curled up, dozy cat, watching me as I move about my room in a flurry, shoving non-fat yoghurt with flaxseeds and banana slices into my mouth, timing it so I can chew as I yank on my pants and dab concealer on my face. She is patient and knows full well that I am, at least somewhat, aware of her presence. Sometimes she yawns, widening her eyes and staring in my direction, head tilted, as I slow down for two extra seconds daring myself to catch a breath.

She is the thought that this is, maybe, wrong.
It isn't self-doubt, it isn't thinking that I won't make it; because I know, to be completely honest, that even if it means grinding my teeth to nothing and bleeding myself dry, I will put myself through this if I really, really want to.
She is an idea made up of the knowledge that my life is on suspension, that there is a world I am actively turning away from for this, that some mornings I wake and want to curl back up.
And most times, I quieten her with the knowing that when this is done, I will be better for it. That everyday I learn things that I put to use and am, in fact, putting to use right now in rehearsals or auditions outside of my school life.

But some days, like today, I wake up tired. And I am tired of feeling the way I do- like it's not easier to pick myself up and scurry off to school, like maybe I'm just the sort who can't function within a structure like this. Like I have always, always chosen to be the person who picks what makes you happy. And even though I know I will be happy in the long run, after all this, after taking and soaking up and keeping, I can't look you in the eye right now and tell you that this makes me happy.
Because believe it or not, actors are not liars.

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I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

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