It's conversations like last night's that I am immensely grateful for-
That I can have them at all, let alone with someone I am so close to.
That there are parallels that are drawn, and a different perspective to what may or may not work for me without putting me in a box. That I am given a take so full and rich but also coloured in and shaded with truth and often times, personal opinion. I think in general I am grateful for all round support from my family and such but last night in particular.
So, for last night, Thank you Erika-
For being an amazing support and my devil's advocate all at the same time. You're all the world to me(:
It's taken me three weeks to fully arrive, and four and a half to be more honest with myself about where I stand and what I might feel.
I think the truth of it will always scare me. Or the possibility of it being truth at least.
The notion that this frame, this setting, might not work for me.
That being said I don't want to just end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Once one is decided- there's no changing it. So if, for instance, I say, "I can't do this, this isn't my thing." Then I won't be able to do this.
I will fully acknowledge the immense difficulties on various levels of course. And I will fight for time for myself, and fight wholeheartedly for the need to be and to not get lost or run away from myself.
But I'm not going to write myself off or throw in the towel.
I'm going to give this a shot, and more importantly, I'm going to give myself a shot. Even if it feels like I'm clawing at chalkboards.
I deserve to say, "At least I tried."