"Seek and thou shalt find"

Ave Maria, gratia plena

Dominus tecum ave Maria

Benedicta es tu, Santa Maria

Santa Maria, Ora Ora pro nobis

-----------------------------

I've been looking,

So how long til we find some semblance of light?

When another

Ouch,

That really stings. 

------------------------------------

All these steps

To further away

------------------------------------

Calls you baby

In the spirit of honesty

So here's the thing about being sober and sad.
You can still feel everything, in all its realness, and there isn't anything nice warm and fuzzy to make you feel like you can take deal with it.

Teach me how to fix this

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

But some mornings.

Honest goodbyes

Sink with the tide

Rescue me, if you like

I'll be leaving it all up to you. 

--------------------------------

I took a misstep,

And now I don't know where I am. 

Concrete shores

She has danced along shorelines ten stories too high
Sung lullabies when she is up way past midnight
You've called her weak for all the stumbles she has made
And she knows,
She hasn't the courage to not be afraid.

Or

Hold me?

Come morning light

Sunlight catches the natural highlights in her hair as she looks up, wide-eyed.
She is in a world that is hers, in the middle of her mother's chatter and tinkling laughter over coffee.

The river behind her runs quiet, and around her a cacophony of clinking cutlery, deep hearty laughs that remind her of her father, clattering of children's toys she has no interest in.

She is in a world that is hers;
Right in the middle of her mother's chatter and tinkling laughter
over coffee.

Half moons

My mother always told me-
Don't let the sun set (or rise) on your anger.

In my veins

Oh you're in my veins and I cannot get you out

You're all I taste, at night, 

Inside of my mouth 

------------------------------

Stuck in her daydreams

It's too cold outside
For angels to fly


--------------------

Didn't they tell you?
Sleep comes in tiny little capsules that smell a bit strange.

Mockingbird

Hush little baby don't you cry

Everything's gonna be alright 

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night 

I-love-Yous like band-aids trying to hold all the broken together. 

Anchor

There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul

Where'd you go?

I think I've lost sense of time and space and days and weeks. 

I don't know where I am, half the time. What I'm thinking, what I want...

I don't. 

Maybe you can tell me-

You could say

"You look like you need some sleep."

Or

"You could use a nice long swim."

Or

"Here. Here's a hug."

I have conversations purely out of habit. So that I don't trip up on the mess of telephone wires in my head that are running conversations back and forth and all over the place like it's connecting people who are worlds apart. 

Not that I would know what any kind of connection feels like at the moment though. 

My words are cold and empty. They hang in the air and don't mean anything. 

My voice is hoarse from words that have scratched the insides of my throat trying to get out. 

I am tired out from trying to keep track of the world and its spinning and all the different directions it spins. At the same time. 

But mostly, I am numb. 

It's an okay place to be, I guess. 

So come now, courage

Teach me to be shy.


Cos it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

It's not hard to fall

Stones,
Taught me to fly

Grace, what have you done?

Too much to make sense of it all

I know that Your love breaks my fall

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

I wish you enough

"Let us know when you're home k?"

There are people in my life I am so grateful for.

Everyday.

So to my SOAKies,
Hey.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

Xoxo
C

Hit rewind.

Pause.
Play.
Pause.
Rewind.
Play.
Pause.
Rewind.


If there was one thing in my life I would change,
It'd be the day I chose to say goodbye.


So tell me that you're okay.
That you're happier now.
That if I went down a different rabbit hole,
You would come hurtling into my arms with a force fueled by happiness that knows no bounds, with a light inside you so bright,
You could burn a thousand suns.


Because angel,
You were all those things
And more.

The week of magic

I also figured...
well hey, it's already fucked with a stream of hard-to-deal-with-moments, what's saying yes to an event I know will certainly take the biscuit hmm?

Slipping under

Funny how one who writes can be emptied out of words.

Letters to far away

Dear Wallaby Joe,

For some reason, I missed you terribly today-

For the ages you left me standing there waiting, and all the cuddles you'd come with after. 

It was one of those days I needed my wallaby-time: To just, centre myself and feel the world fall away when you finally came nose to nose with me. 

So hey. I hope you're doing okay. That you're munching on carrots and sneaking bananas and being happy. 

I hope you're happy. 

In all the ways you made me happy too. 

Sent from my iPhone

Complainte de la butte

The stairways up to la butte 
can make the wretched sigh.

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"

Hey remember that time...

I thought you had a smile that could floor me-
And it did.

Ps: I love you

And I get to kiss you baby, just because I can

"This song makes you feel all like, 'awww' cos it's like, you know, you have it."

And we're smiling to ourselves. 

In fact, I'm smiling so hard I'm already crying. 

How do you lose at a game you weren't even playing?

Crippled

Can you lose someone before they've left?

Oh, the better half of me.

Wandering souls who wander home

To weekends I get to start with you guys like this-
Yes, that includes Bird, behind the camera.

Sometimes, I don't know how I do with you not being around.

Baby Toufu

I'm going to miss lunches like this.

To getaways and cat naps

Really,
This was what I needed over the weekend.
Sun, pool, good conversations, space when I needed it, and a drink in my hand.

When they said "It gets better",
They weren't lying. (:

the lucky one

and it's like, when it feels like I know just which word to fill in your blanks with,
I think maybe, hey-
we're a step or two closer to getting the bits of us back

Because

I think you're beautiful.
The most beautiful girl in all the world
And your smile-
It still gets me.
Everytime.

Empty?

I'm not sad

I can't be sad

If I am numb, I can't be sad

Right?

But No, I'm not sad tonight after all actually

I got home, sober, although mortifyingly tired from my drinks..

Or dinner

Or actually my drinks which was my dinner..

And then I poured myself water, fried up chicken nuggets,

And sat down to finish writing one of my articles this week. 

I realized, that filled me a lot more than most of tonight. 

Close your eyes, count to ten

Maybe you'll be okay then

"You write from such a sad place."

I know, my love, I know. 

Some days that place is sadder than others. 

But I am okay. 

I am going to be okay. I will. 

The world

Baby,
There're so so many places I want to go.
But I want to go to all of them with you.

Shelter

Can you hear when I say 

I have never felt this way

Maybe I had something that was wrong

Can I make it better with the lights turned on

Maybe I had something that was wrong

Can I make it better

with the lights turned on

And so here's to one of the loveliest, most beautiful couples I know!

So yesterday was...
In short, really amazing.
Everything was well-organized, flowed smoothly. The crowd was good, no drama (as far as i could see anyway!), the food was really nice and just... Everything about it was beautiful.

I liked how they kept it really fuss-free. There wasn't things like the groom having to do a series of challenges to get his girl (I remember Cher talking about how it was very degrading and altogether quite contrived- I can't say I disagree at all!!), she didn't have like six hundred thousand outfits to change in and out of during the dinner, which allowed them to eat and all so that was good.
I thought they took on the day really calmly in a very non-frazzled manner.

I mean, at about six, when I pop by their room to help Lucas with his hair,
Cher's sitting with her legs crossed, in a large chair, getting her hair done- the picture of absolute calm and zen-likeness. And then she goes,
"Charis, they messed up the flowers."
"What! What do you mean?!" (And I sound more jumpy than her, mind you.)
"Yeah, we asked for all white and they gave us orange and blue. It looks really ugly- I'll show you pictures."
Except she said it all in this, "oh no"- sorta tone more than
"AHMAHGAAAADWHYWHYWHY".
The flowers and drapes were something that got fixed and it looked much better when the guests arrived, which was good. And maybe it's a lot to do with their personality but really, I thought they handled everything really well.
It was really nice being around them and pottering around too because they weren't highly strung at all.

Mostly it made me smile to see them so happy together. Erika did say something really true, that it's almost just a formality or making it all official because really, they're doing it all already- the way they support each other and make such a great team.

I've said it a couple times over in varying ways but-
I truly think these two balance bring a really nice balance to each other. It's lovely watching them together, and we've had many evenings where we've tried out new dishes together, tried each Other's food and sat around watching stuff on YouTube after. It's been a huge blessing getting to hang out with them, the times that I have.

I can't imagine how different it's going to be now...
But I'm sure there'll be very many new things to find fun and exciting.

SO.
Lucas and Cher, all the best on your new adventure together! ❤️❤️

Sunday brunches

Erika: you've still got one more country out of ten to go to. 

Jared: Erika country. 

Me: Erika country baby? You mean you need to come back to jiejie Erika after all that...?

Jared: jiejie Erika country!

Me: oh her own country, is that it?

Erika: well I hope you take a super long time travelling to all the other nine countries, including the Indian Ocean because Erika's country is still being made. I'm working on it. 

Of forevers

Every so often, there'll be an influx of engagement photos, wedding photos, baby bump photos and of course, all the saccharine-sweet words that make up promises and dreamy hopes and picturesque futures.

They scare me a little bit.
Not so much the pictures that flood my Facebook timeline but how easily it kicks one into a frenzy of
Amidoingenoughwithmylife-ness, whereamigoingwithmyself-ness and JAYSUSwhatificannotaffordcatlitterformy97cats.

I'm not where I wanted to be five years ago, seven years ago. I bought myself more time, I got more drawn into certain things I found I liked doing...
But I am not all the things I once thought I'd be by this time in my life.
I suppose there's nothing to be afraid of if I am at least taking steps in the right direction. And I do believe I am.
Sorta. Kinda.
It's just a little bit difficult to keep from feeling bummed when it seems like you're far away from where you want to be, and when it feels like you might be dreaming a little too big.

But I guess, we'll get there when we get there hey? And maybe it'll feel all sorts of wonderful because of how long its taken to get there.

----------------------------------

All that crippling self-doubt aside!
I must say that alongside a few others, there is a couple who is quite, quite ready to get married-
And I think that's pretty cool.

They're all set for this Saturday and I think it's quite lovely to see and to hear of their families rallying around and pulling out all the stops for them. It all sounds pretty exciting, I must say.
Not just the wedding- I mean their general forever-togetherness and stuff. I think they've been through a fair share of ups and downs and I'm thrilled to get to watch them take this next step together.
I truly hope that married life turns out to be all the things they have wanted and dreamt up and so much more- they certainly deserve it, and I'm really really happy for them.

You break me in all the places I thought were empty

Emily,

darling, please look at me-

this is not the ending. This could be the anthem you sing to yourself,

when you're slipping away,

into sleep,

when the lights are so low.

falling to pieces

breaking apart
at the thought of the shadows that come to you,
the words she cannot hear that you scream at in your sleep,
at all the things she wishes she could undo,
but can't.

Her voice is cold and warm against the nape of my neck, her words snaking themselves around me,
"One day, when you're beautiful"

Reach

Be patient with me,
Because I can be so very trying when I am in need. I ask questions to which I have heard the answers to, but want to hear, in your voice, over and over and over again.
Soften the blows of my day with the warmth of your laughter, the light in your eyes...
Sometimes I come home so cold and so empty that it feels like I cannot give anymore. You make me want to though, all the time. You make me save some of myself for you.
Hold me.
And when you can't, you can wrap me up in words because I will believe them.
I am a child like that-
Hanging on to every last whisper of a promise that you might have for me,
In the spaces between your I Love Yous, I Miss Yous.

Bear with me?
Because sometimes the words are too heavy on my tongue and I am too afraid to tell you all the things I want and miss and need.
And I don't want to ask so much of you and so...
Sometimes,
I just won't.
Instead, asking questions to which I have heard the answers to, but want to hear,
in your voice,
over and over and over again.

Tell me

What all the spaces between your words mean

Hopelessly taken

My skin has memorized the feel of your fingertips, and the brush of your lips against my collarbone.

Women of Asia

Soooo...

I'll be honest. I've spent the last few years doing way more directing in theatre than I have acting. And yes, sure, I've kept my wheels oiled with tv and film, but there's nothing like coming back to theatre. 

Nothing like it. 

For me, here is where everything falls into place. 

Now..

 I don't know if it'll be your cup of tea but Women Of Asia opens at the LaSalle Flexi Space tomorrow!

Directed by international playwright and director, Asa Gim Palomera, this 90minute show is a collection of stories about Asian women- some are of those in power, those who are bound to tradition, those who are sold into slavery...

I feel it brings to light a lot of issues/themes that are rarely talked about or are considered taboo. 

Women of Asia has been staged in other places that include New York, Edinburgh, Melbourne and Bangkok.

Come for a collection of stories that will make you laugh at some bits and cry at others. 

Our shows run Thursday - Saturday for two weekends. 

Evening shows are at 8pm,

Matinee shows (Saturday) are at 3pm. 

Tickets are available on

Www.Ticketmash.sg

Hope to see you there!(:

 

Where I am, waiting.

"I am standing upon that foreshore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white clouds just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!"
"Gone where?"
"Gone from my sight, that's all". She is just as large in mast and spar and hull as ever she was when she left my side; just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying."

Cœur de Pirate

You know what?
I give up. I just.. I give up.

Because anytime I feel a little bit like this, a tiny bit...off, even the slightest bit.
every time that I do-
Something just clicks back into place and makes me go,
Well sod it all, I'm really quite in love with this girl hey.

The conversationalist

Talk to me?
Talk to me like you want to hear what I have to say, like you're just as interested in all the words I'm not saying as much as the words I am.
Tell me what you think-
We don't have to have the same opinions, we don't even have to speak the same tongue...
But maybe we can engage in a conversation where parts of my body will understand the message you mean to convey and parts of your body will understand me.

Talk with me.
In all the ways we both know how;
with and without words,
With or without sound.
For there are spaces inside of me, empty and hollow and dead- waiting to resonate with a little bit more than this absence.

Being kept up by questions

I don't have the answers to

____________________________

Just within reach

But a little bit out of touch

____________________________

"What did you feel when you walked into the water?"

"The cool relieved the tiredness in my legs-"

"Emotions, I mean."

"Emotions! You doctors are so preoccupied with emotions. 

I had no emotions to emote."

-Women of Asia; Japanese housewife in San Francisco. An excerpt. 

A question:

I love seeing you happy and wouldn't want any less for you-
But is it selfish to want to be what makes you happy?


Will you tell me how I can?
But then, that's question number two though isn't it?

Falling asleep to I Love Yous

It's a day of breaking,
Of feeling like the wind is eating
Away at your bones
While stones
Run the course of your throat

You're chipping at corners,
While I'm wondering if lovers
Who're feeling alone
Come home
In time to say goodnight

We're cutting our teeth in
The ships that are sinking
And the boats we've turned around
Now that we've found-

Safety
You tuck my name so safely
In your mouth
Yet I am bouts
Of uncertainty and weariness

And somedays,
Somedays are days of breaking
Like the wind is gnawing
At your bones.
But I'll find my way back-

home
To letters on my skin
Your letters,
on my skin.

Drawing from an empty well

For someone who's (I think, at least) always had a healthy mix of optimism and being realistic when taking on great(er) endeavors,
I have never before felt so...
I don't even know what this is for crying out loud!

And it's harder when you say "I give up" but you know you can't wash your hands off it.
That some part of you won't.

Weak

Pick me, choose me

Love me. 

-------

When there are others who seem to make up just what you need. 

we're made of dreams

Every so often, I find myself here.
Here being this...wishful, wistful place filled with unbearable longing.

Being a collection of thoughts jumping sporadically from one picturesque idea to another isn't always the best thing. I am most often fuelled by the despair that comes from feeling like I haven't done enough. Or rather, that I've done an okay amount but that there is just... so much more that I would like to do.

I scare myself with this being in want.
And I wonder when it'll stop feeling like i'm chasing after things that are always going to be just a little bit out of reach.

For my favorite girl

I hope you never get too afraid of all the things you cannot see,
That you learn to trust yourself more,
And that you never forget what an amazing, beautiful person you are and how hard you've worked to get where you are today.

I love you. Like a fat kid loves cake.
Happy birthday, bubby.

We're lying on the moon, it's a perfect afternoon

It's a dark and stormy place,

But with you my dear

I'm safe

And we're a million miles away. 

And I'll stay up and hold you until you fall asleep 

Lucky ducky.

How did I find you?(:

Looking for some quiet

Just with you,
In this world that won't seem to stop.

Lifehack tip #101

When the question "How're you going?" comes up,
ALWAYS pick an answer that ranges from
"Nothing much" to "I'm okay".

Especially on days like this.



Honesty?
Pssh.

Conversations

That aren't

Not really. 

--------------------------------

Peekaboo!

I was playing hide and seek with you. 

Hide and seek with you, bubba. 

Hide and seek. 

Because writers don't get written about

There is so much weight in your words, especially those that are written.
Filled with feelings and secrets and time that you've spent mulling over which words to pick-

Sometimes I can hear the smile playing on your lips as your fingers speak. I think about how you take in so very many things, even when people think you aren't looking. I wonder about the effect things around you have, and how, in the snippets of time you get, you place how you feel.

There is so much weight in your words, especially those that are written.
It's like they're hand picked, filled with adoration and gratefulness and just, so much of you..



And then, sometimes,
Only sometimes,
I wonder if you'll have any words left for me

For the mothers who are and the mothers who will be

Making the decision to have a child is-

Forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. 

- Elizabeth Stone

Tucked in.

It's been a really nice few days, I must say. (Few days/ past week, I forget. My math. It's not great)

I've been left hazy eyed and fuzzy hearted, so it's a good thing that work has slowed for me right now I suppose. 

I am streams of unfinished sentences and four-word poems these days. 

Perhaps I need to learn how to write again. 

That might be useful. 

--------------------------------

My my,

Haven't you gotten me utterly enthralled?

"She is all States, and all princes- I"

Surely you must know,
That no one makes me happier
Than you

Puzzle piecing

Part I
It is the way my arms have ached with the absence of you
It is heavy. It is so, so heavy, this emptiness.

You pick up the breaking pieces of me with gentle, quiet fingers
And place them in my trembling hands

There are times I am seized by a fear so reckless it rips through me and leaves me paralyzed by the roadside. 

A gentle coaxing

I must admit, my darling, you know just what to say to make me feel a bit better. 

Dear you,

Yeah, there were times we were both half-in and half-out the door

But I never needed more than the stars on your skin to lead me back home. 

-- Andrea Gibson, I do. An excerpt. 

Contentment is

Semi-empty train rides,
Wandering empty food aisles,
Smelling rain Before it starts
And hearing the sound of my favorite girl smile over the phone the day the world gets turned on for her again.

It doesn't get much better than this, does it?

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

You hold me without touch
Keep me without chains
I've never wanted anything so much
To drown in your love
And not feel your rain

Falling slowly, eyes that know me.

Take this sinking boat, and point it home-

We've still got time. 

------------------------

Sometimes there is a question that plays on my lips-

And on days that I wonder if I have the courage to ask,

I wonder if I'll have the courage to hear the answer

On being a teacher

Once, in a conversation with a student from Hua Yi Secondary that lasted over an hour, I was asked,
"But if you've got so much going for you outside, why would you teach...us? I mean.. We're just a cca."

It was one of those moments I was reminded why I left acting school.

There are few things that have as great a hold on my heart as theatre does. The way it demands you to throw yourself in, full force and with little consideration to the possibility of any sort of life outside. But also the way it fills you and holds you together as much as it tears you apart, and the way it forces you to deal with things that run parallel in your own life; The way it offers you a process of catharsis and helps you breathe again.

But at some point I started thinking, what if I also got to use this to reach students? What if I got others to feel and understand and use theatre and take from it all the things that I have too?

This is why I teach-
Theatre can be a lot of things for you: An escape, a therapeutic process, a release, a discovery, an understanding of an issue or of a person.
But it also needs to be a safe space for all of that to happen. And I want to be able to provide that safe space to young actors who have decided to get their hands dirty with all this theatre-making.

And if just one student decides to take on acting and greater, deeper levels and falls as impossibly, overwhelmingly in love with theatre as I have been all these years, then I will be happy.
But also,
if just one student comes away from my classes a bigger person, a better person, a person who has learnt a little bit more about themselves, then I will be happy too.

Some days are a little bit harder

Couldn't we sit in a park, or by running water
And couldn't we have the same conversations without words that we used to-
Couldn't we just... Be?
Without worry of time limits and responsibilities and people on the fringes calling out to us
With our cell phones on silent, the grass beneath our skin and the sun in our eyes
Couldn't we just...?

Evenings spent

Calculating the distance between our fingers,
The inches between my left knee and your right,
And marveling at how I still skip when your eyes catch mine.

Time out.

I have had so many conversations today, that to chart my emotional progression since eight in the morning would prove slightly harder than counting all the bitch fights in an entire season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Today has been a lot.


I could do with less.

Because

It always felt like something was missing,
Until you.

The only girl in the world

Want to make you feel like

Kiss it all better, I'm not ready to go

It's not your fault love, 

You didn't know 

Stay with me until I fall asleep

Stay with me until I fall asleep

Breaking down walls

"I hated it- that it kept us apart. But now that the wall's gone, he's not there."

-------------------------------

There are some hurts that I wish desperately I could save those I love from.

Because.

1.
Nothing can beat falling asleep to the evenness of your breathing.



2.
Or the way, in your last moments of semi consciousness, you tighten your hold on me for just a fraction of a second.
Just a fraction, of a second.


3.
I love you.

Sober

The wake up call.

Missed you all day

Your goodnights,
And the click of the button as you end the phone call-
Sometimes, it feels like it's the loudest part of our conversation.

If I could have one wish, if I could have some say

And when the world drowns you in the roars of its ocean, I want to be the crashing waves that tell you where the shoreline is.

Where home is. 

I want to promise you, that there is nothing you will miss when you listen with your eyes closed and your fingers laced with mine. 

I want to find the surest way for you to understand-

That you are magic. 

Because you hear all the words that some of us do not say, and you feel the tiniest inkling of a feeling before anyone gets a chance to bury it in their subconscious. 

That you are magic. 

In the quiet that you are amidst this city's senseless cacophony, and in the comfort that you bring when I've been spat back out at the end of an 18-hour day. 

And so,

when the world drowns you in the roars of its ocean; when it is difficult to hear above the din of fear, of frustration, of anger and exasperation-

I want to be the crashing waves that tell you where the shoreline is.

Where home is. 

Sitting in a spinning teacup

With you.

------------------------

I'm in a cuddlesome mood.
Clearly that is not a good frame of mind to be in.

------------------------








use me all you want-
I just wish this bit stung a little less.


---------------------------



I am in such, a cuddlesome mood.

Happiness in small bursts

So I was due to get on a plane about four days ago and while that didn't happen, I still managed to get on a later flight that got me where I needed to go.

The few days away have done me good. I wish I could say the same for my waistline but it's one of those fuck-it-I'm-young-I'll-maximize-on-my-rapidly-deteriorating-metabolism-while-I-can.

And so, armed with a tummy full of hong kong nomnoms to last me a couple of months, I'm about to take on a crazy term 2 in approximately five hours (and I'm still on the way back from the airport! Score!).
A term 2 that kicks off with running a showcase at the end of the first week, featuring seven short plays and three to four sketches, and which will thereafter chuck me into rehearsals for a full length play (more on this later!).
I'm excited about having an actor hat to swap into for a while. The schedule though, is what is scary. Or the lack thereof at the moment.
And oh, that's just the first half of the new term!

Now though..
I'm desperately looking forward to falling into my softy soft bed and not getting bruised just by crawling into it as I have the last two days. Haha.

Ma chérie,

You are a collection of loose post-its and quick scribbles left for me to find.

I love you.
So, so much.

"Maybe when you're beautiful," she says to the girl,
"Maybe, when you're beautiful."

If I told you everything was fine, and that I'm alright, I'd be lying.
But there isn't much of a point dwelling on the bits that made my day all wrong, or how I come back to an empty that fills me.

Because I am not lying when I talk about how lovely my evening was. And that, for a while, I really was happy. That being with you, and your family, is nice. That I love it. That I close where we are with our families.

Having said that, I think even though I thought I had come away from it, there are parts of today that I am still getting over.
So forgive my sullenness sometimes, my sulkiness; I chide myself often and remind myself that it is the last thing anyone would want to come home to. But on days like this, when we've already said all that there is to be said, when we know it's nothing within our control and neither of our faults, please then, do excuse me.

Because i might want terribly for you to hold me, and make it alright, but I don't know how to ask. Or I might have numbed my sadness just long enough to say I need you, out loud, but am made to realize the world doesn't always work in our favour.
But that's just mostly how growing up works though, right?
That I will need you, and I can. But that doesn't mean you will be there. You fix everything, and so easily- but I can't expect you to all the time.



That sometimes, there will be streams of days that are only punctuated with crying oneself to sleep.
That we are the only ones who can fix ourselves.
That there are birthdays you will find yourself crying your way into.


That all of it is just something I'll have to learn to deal with. On my own.

Ando como hormiguita por tu espalda

Coming home to you, 

fast asleep in bed is likely the most beautiful thing in the world

__________________________________

hacia el oro que se derrama y se me enreda

Who's Afraid Of Virgina Woolfe?

There are some things I am afraid of talking about. Afraid of starting on, because it'll lead me from one memory to another to another until it is all too late and...

And I'm afraid of that. 

But I'm also, admittedly, afraid of blocking things out. Afraid of finding that I have let my defense mechanisms wrap me up so quickly, so tightly, that parts of me never get to breathe again, never get to heal properly. 

Perhaps this is me in that in between. Trying to dissect things only as much as I dare to, all while wincing and well... Trying to be brave I suppose. 

So. 

Last Friday left me really creeped out. 

Sure, i managed to walk away. Sure, I managed to give the bloke a bit of what he deserved. And sure, I can say that this time, I didn't freeze up. That this time I won't look back and say, "I should've.."

But I can't say I walked away completely unscathed. 

You feel fear in different parts of your body. 

For me that often means parts of me shutting down, clamping up. And no, it's not very useful. 

Being grabbed, pulled back, pressed up against-

When you're in a crowd, when you've got enough in you to attempt to move yourself and your friend out of the situation, when you're trying to shake him off, when you're a little more than slightly aware that you can't move more than two steps because of a force that's keeping you...

Here is me in all my honesty and as much nakedness as I can bear;

Fear was a very fleeting emotion that was quickly replaced by annoyance and irritation. I don't think I'd even built up to anger yet, really. What I did just seemed like a very practical thing to do, at the time. And it was. And I'm glad i did. 

But. There are some bruises that cannot be seen. 

And long after this, they might just still be there. 

As much as I've tried to not let this trigger other memories, there have been bits and pieces spilling out of other boxes. Not in overwhelming amounts, just yet. 

But in all the quiet moments that I yank myself out of, I am painfully aware-

that there are people whose fingertips I can still feel underneath my skin, whose breath I can feel against my ear. 

I am okay. 

I think. 

Or I will be. 

I would've liked to, or tried to, talk about this given the chance. But instead I've been sad and upset and adamant on not acknowledging why. Of course other things piled on- like being ill and fretful and it's easier to cling on to something more reasonable. (Kind of more reasonable anyway. It's all relative isn't it?)

All I've been able to say out loud is how much I need a cuddle. Or how it's a cry-in-bed- sorta day. Or how I get terribly needy when I'm ill. All of which is true. 

So I've done a mix really- 

Cry myself into a few sleeps (some fitful and others sad), wishing I could be held, and not wanting to do this alone. 

Even though I know I have to. 

Even though I know it's a bit too late. 

Even though I know that now, by this point, some part of me will shirk from a touch that I might actually need. 

I think, this weekend, I just really needed

To not be as alone as I was. 

But I'll be okay. 

Right?

I'll be okay.

 

I'm okay. Really, I am. 

-----------------------------------

"Who's afraid of Virginia Woolfe?"

"I am George.... I am."

All the bits I ought to hide better.

I get far too upset with myself for needing a cuddle/needing someone, as much as I do.

Especially on a day like this-
When I've just gone between throwing up, crying myself to sleep because I don't feel like I'm recovering quick enough and being buzzy in an achey sort of way from all my medicine.

Every. Time.

Happens every time
Doesn't hurt less

And despite what you say,
You'll let it repeat.

Firsts

Look where we time-warped ourselves to babe?

#101

Teach me
How to be here for you

Holy Sonnet 6: Death, be not proud

By john Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Midnight chill

On an evening like tonight, I am grateful- for the moments that I get to turn and see my best friends exhaling smoke in the opposite direction from me, the moments they whip out cameras to take pictures of their million chins to send to each other, the moments that they're just... There. 

Yes, yes it has been years. And I'm grateful for the ones I've gotten to have.

---------------------------------

I cannot imagine a loss this close. 

Cannot begin to fathom the roller coaster of emotions, the memories and thoughts being picked through, just to get to steadier ground. 

To those left reeling...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will find warmth and comfort and security, even in all the places you forget to look. I hope that just when you need it, there will be someone there to hold you and all of this. And if it is space you need, I hope you find  fresh air that fills your lungs so full that any one step forward won't seem half as daunting. 

To you,

there are things I mean to say, but there'd be far too many words working only to cloud the bits that matter. So instead-

I hope you are safe now. I truly do. 

And to you, ma chérie

Please know, that there is not a place in this world I would rather  be than right here to hold your hand. 

Love,

C

and I feel like I'm naked in front of this crowd

And even though she's spent her life performing,
She falls in love with the one girl who makes her face flush, her hands shaky, when all she's doing is sitting in the audience, two seconds away from hearing a song.

Nothing makes me happier than you

There are days I think about you and just realize how much it is that I like being with you. That I could for a while. A long while.

Sent from my iPhone

"If you ain't here I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air"

I am drawn to thinking of all our smallest, tiniest interactions

But more than that,

I am fixated on how one of the biggest people in my life, one of the strongest and most beautiful person I know is breaking, now that you've gone. 

And I. 

I want to duct tape all the tears in the picture.

I want to relive the moment I loved the way you smiled at her like she was your world, and realizing that things like that were possible. 

That loving someone so much was possible. 

That being so overwhelmingly happy was possible. 

I love you both so much.

As individuals and in all your togetherness. 

I wish you were still here. 

I wish you could be.

So wherever you are, promise you'll write them postcards from far away, and say you'll be there to hold her in all the moments she misses you most. 

Because you were made for her. 

I don't know how else to put it but. You were. 

In all your weirdness you two fit like Lego blocks.

So please, leave bits of yourself behind.

Leave bits of yourself for them to find. 

And you don't hear a single floorboard creak

now you see it,
now you don't.

No one else's.

you wrap me up with security,
With gentleness
With a sureness in the way you pull me in

You wrap me up with promises,
You wrap me up
In you

Some nights

When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Gripping.

Onto something that has long left the
Building

When sadness comes in a wave I cannot recognize
And there is a biting in my bones that make me realize
That

Some nights
Like
Some days

Aren't yours
Aren't yours
Aren't.

Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto hope that is so frayed that I am
Staring
At a rope so far away from reach
That I
Am quite ashamed to say
I'm not okay
These words are coming from a chasm deep inside
Filled with boxes packed so high
With little things I cannot speak of, cannot see because I'm scared because I'm not
Asfreeasallthestoriesthatiwriteandall
Thepicturesthatihopetodraw
AndallthesongsthatfadethemselvesintothesePOVsthaticanonlywishwereminebut
Aren't.

And I am breaking in all these ways I didn't know I could-
I don't know why this sadness comes to take me when I only pass as happy in all the times I should.

Some nights
Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto all the nothings that make me sad in all these ways that make me break
In all the ways that leave me

Hanging.

"And how're the two of you?" "Happy."

She's playing solitaire.

There's something about the other girl that makes me incredibly, almost unreasonably uncomfortable.

But
Something's you just have to suck up hey.

Lucky.

Ps: I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

from miles away

"Wouldn't trade you for anything else in the world."

And just like that I'm somewhere between being a teary crumpled up mess and remembering the feeling of being the most contented eleven year old ever. 

----------------------------------

Maybe there are just some days that are just, like that. 

Days where you need someone to hold you, look after you and tell you that you're still pretty even though you know for a fact you look like a mess. 

Maybe there are some days that are just, like that.

Where how much you need or want something is completely irrelevant. And all that matters is that you pick yourself off the floor and get your shit done. 

Maybe there are some days, that are just- 

Falling back into work; knowing it knows you better than you know yourself, having everything else fit against you the way it should, while you block out this dull ache that's throbbing somewhere inside you. 

Maybe there are some days that are just. 

Like that. 

----------------------------------

but she's the one I want to come home to,

the one I'll wait up for,

the one I'll share toothpaste with. 

She was always the sharp one.

"It's always a war-
Between the head and the heart.
It just depends on which one you want to fight."

Wreck of the day

"Why do you look so sad?"

"Sorry, didn't know it was that obvious-"

"Well I figure you're not in character right now."

------------------------------

"My day was.... Tumultuous. Very, in fact."

"Tell me about it?"

------------------------------

Would someone mind awfully telling me how it is that one can feel this dreadfully alone? 

And why a behavioral response to that is to, in turn, desperately want to be alone?

-------------------------------

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And it's finally quiet in my head

Whenever it feels like I'm breaking,
Work is what catches me

I hear a baby crying and my first instinct is to go to it, pick it up, hold it to me until everything that might possibly be wrong is all right again.


But it's all in my head.

Stations

But we're like trains hurtling in all the wrong directions
All the wrong directions

Goodnight.

"Muchos besos que hablaremos otro dia"

Phone calls from far away places

"So why aren't you talking to her instead?"
"She's asleep"

But I cannot bring myself to say all the other reasons there are.
Or how part of me is wide awake because I'm a little bit afraid of falling asleep. Because falling asleep means waking up to find that we're still not alright.


I always hate when we're not.


Suddenly it feels like there're all these conversations I haven't gotten to have with you yet, all these moments I can't be sure I'm remembering properly, all these picnics we've promised to have but haven't, all these things about you that I haven't had enough time to memorize.

Whenever this happens, it feels like I lose a little bit more of myself. But it also feels like a lose a little bit of you.

And, like I always do, I'm afraid of holding on too tight.
Because it's always what you want to hold on to, that slips through your fingers the fastest.

He said come with me and we'll make many storms.

I'll taste the devil's tears,
drink from his soul

But I'll,
Never give up you

Then

What happens when I wake up?




Sent from my iPhone

Blue is the warmest colour

I keep myself occupied for long enough to think we're okay,
Before I realize-

We're not.

Sent from my iPhone

Nothing else could break my heart like

True love.

Pieces.

I ruin everything I have with quiet, desperate tragedies in my own head. Running shaky fingers down faint pencilled lines I have never quite managed to erase, and seeing hazy memories that truly, truly aren't all as close as they seem.


I ruin everything with my falling in love with the things you do.
The quiet slip of your arm around me in a crowd. A secret kiss just inches away from church. Your hand reaching for mine under the table.

Or I ruin things by being in want-
Of you, two minutes before you are due to go.
Of wanting to tell you but being much too devastated with the thought of laying myself out bare.
Of being softer than I dare to admit and desperately, desperately not wanting to be.

To a lovely 2014!

The coming year sounds like it's got a lot in store and already, I'm excited.

I hope eeeeeeveryone got to spend their New Years cozying up with their favourite people, eating amazing food (I'll have a proper post with the lot of pictures to make you jelly like a jelly bean), and just being happy, mostly.

Cos that's always kinda nice.

To Christmases.

I think I've been having a lovely, lovely Christmas so far(:

We'll return back home to where we're meant to be

Oh lover, hold on

Til I come back again

For these arms, are growing tired

And my tales are wearing thing

Time out

I've been scared, afraid; my insides shaking that I think I might break 

But I've been blocking it out and trying to move forward instead. And I have. Because that's far easier. It's far easier to do something that will help yourself or take you away from the fear rather than just address it. 

And then I've also been a little bit sad. 

I mean, I've also been happy, incredibly so. I've been contented, smiley and settled...mostly. 

But these trace amounts of sadness, they creep up on me and the next moment I'm tearing up as I admit how it feels like sometimes I'm still battling a time difference. 

Even though it's something that isn't new. Even though it's something I would've thought I've dealt with already, in all this time. 

So with that,

Some days just... deserve to be yours. 

And you go.

You settle down somewhere you thought of on a whim, and you seat yourself on a high stool and breathe in that scent that comes when you're on your own, and light, and happy. 

The smell that has a hint of sweetness- a mix of freshly cut grass and apples. 

And then you read a book.

A children's book. 

One that makes you cry and laugh and smile and cry and laugh, all in turn. 

And you think, I couldn't have picked a more fitting book. 

You think, I really really needed this. 

You think,

Now this is an afternoon I deserved. 

Falling slowly

Giddy with the scent of you

And She Said

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Stories whispered against your skin
and I love yous that bruise your arms
The pretties pictures drawn in the sand
and letters you send to the stars

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
We forget the tunes to the songs
we wrote
Pictures weren't always meant for keeping
and there's a cold you can feel
in your bones

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Quiet secrets beside still waters
Boxes we thought we had closed
tear-stained pages, in empty chapels
but with the knowing you're not on your own

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
But don't let me forget
all the songs I will write
Leave me pictures good for framing
and at the end of the day
come back home

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

(C) May 2013

_______________________________________________________________________

You can write things a long time ago and then come back to it months, even years after to find that they still hold true. That there are some things that you still feel the same way about, even if they're slightly different things from an experience prior.
Just that maybe, the difference is that one is a little better equipped to deal with how one feels.
And that always helps.

Or.
You can write things that start off being about one person and then it turns out to be about another.
In fact, it's almost like, as you write, you realise you've discovered more about people you didn't even know you were writing about.

And then, sometimes, it's a mixture of all those things.
Sometimes it's about you, sometimes about her, and sometimes it's about someone completely outside of your own world.
Maybe that's the draw of writing- that lines of songs fleshed out with tunes can mean different things to (or for) different people, and that you can keep coming back to it and find something new.
For yourself, or y'know, someone else.

_________________________________________________________________________

now,

Don't make her a promise
that you'll only break

1984

It was a only an 'opeless fancy,
It passed like an Ipril dye ,
But a look an 'a word an' a dreams they stirred
They 'ave stolen my 'eart awye!"

Sunrise, sunrise

So my trip is quickly drawing to a close.
It doesn't feel like there's been a lot of time y'know, between spending time with family and meeting friends. As yet I haven't completed half of my shopping list- and there isn't even a whole lot on that list.

Yep. The next time I'm here, I'll be in my own car, thanks very much.

It's been an amazing trip so far, for the most part. I've rediscovered just how much I love being on my own, and traveling on my own even more. I've met so many amazing people with so many stories and personalities and professions- it's crazy and I'm just so glad that I've met with all these different people. They're definitely what made my trip before I came hurtling through the windows into my grammy's living room.

In this time, there've been so many moments that I've had with people- ones that aren't (and can't be) captured on camera. Some are completely silent, some are just in the swapping of glances or an accidental slip of a joke. And there's something about not being able to stow it away for keeps physically that sort of make it nicer or more interesting to hold on to.

This trip,
It's been quite something.

-----------------------------------

Where am I, then?

Are partings better when they're sweet, because you left bitter
Or bitter, because you left sweet?

I've run out

There are things I will learn to get used to.
That I will have to get used to.

Like on nights like these, for instance-
That when duty calls then,
Well, duty calls.

But there are parts of you I hope for, wish for...
That I hate myself for waiting for.
Because i have learnt that hoping will always leave you just that little bit sadder than you can brace yourself.


And i chide myself, bring myself back to how it's not your fault, not your doing.
And it isn't.

So all I'm left with is the job of packing our blanks into boxes.


And missing you.

Spent all night

Waiting.

Now look what you've done

Wait,
Hold up.

Did I just wait months for you to come back, only to have you leave?





Smart move Charis. Smart move.
Your brilliance is absolutely astounding.

On the other side of the glass

It's funny.

I had only just started relearning what us being okay felt like.

Only just.


______________________________

So then, where do I stand?

Dusk

Like dusk, she crept through cold trees, slipping into quiet empty spaces. With the sound of her smile and promises in her fingertips, she fit herself in so, so perfectly, that it became difficult to remember just when the world wasn't this shade of colour.

And we packed all our blanks into boxes

"Tell me about your day- your classes, the singing, the musical. That girl- what was her name?- tell me about her!"

"They were brilliant! They were beautiful! No. Not really, not always. Sometimes I wish they were more focused, and I often think they could do with a whole lot more discipline. But today...
Today I realized just how far they have come. How much more they're using breath to support their voice.
Baby... I'm so, so proud of them. And I'm so lucky I get to be a teacher.

That I get to be their teacher."



1) There are conversations I've wanted to have with you that have started with other people.
2) There are days filled with so much frustration, that have lasted too long, that have made me grateful for how I'll get to fall in your arms at the end of it all.
3) it is more more painful when I get to the end of that day and realize that will not happen.
3) the more you feel for someone is almost always directly related to how much they affect you.

4) you break me.



5) So easily.

Home

There's nothing in the world
A knife won't fix

Or a gin and tonic,
Failing that.

Coming home

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
You force yourself into various preoccupations to keep you from addressing that niggling feeling at the back of your mind, or you wander about an empty apartment at midday, drink in hand and wonder when it got to be like this.
And it's not that you need things to stay exactly the same as when it first started, it just becomes quite apparent how far away you've both come from that time and space.
At it's worst, you figure the novelty of the other person having you might possibly have worn off. Or that you're less interesting, or at least, a lot of other things have become more interesting.

Mostly though, you hope this won't last.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And realising that you don't actually have to be physically apart to miss them; That there are a myriad of things that can come between you and, it sure as hell feels like the ocean.
There's also realising that you can try, both of you can, but it doesn't always quell the other's absence. Which of course, in itself is frustrating because, sometimes,
you get tired of trying. Or not feeling like that's enough.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
To find that maybe, she missed you too. That the empty spaces you've left between your words for so long, can still be filled now. That there is such familiarity in what you thought had become less familiar.
That even though you've been waiting up and the tea's gone cold, at the end of the day,
she still came home to you.
And she's always going to be worth wait.
Always.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And waking up, to find her curled around you..
Like she never left.

We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend

Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me, I'm falling for you

He offered me the universe
But inside my heart's a picture of a girl

Maybe this time

Tell me how to be
Tell me what to do
Tell me all that it'll take to be exactly what you need of me

Because I don't quite know where I am anymore.



Sent from my iPhone

Sometimes I think, a huge part of being with someone, with staying with someone, is knowing why.

As opposed to just staying put for the sake of staying put, that is.

But having said that,
I think I've got this awful habit of asking myself far too many questions and second-guessing myself a bit more than I should.

I'm all unfinished thoughts and half sentences
When really,
All I mean to say is
That I think she's beautiful

The spotless mind

I like that I write. It helps me remember. But sometimes, even with writing, I forget.

Maybe one's brain blocks things out to keep you safe.. But then there's that thing where- even if you don't remember, your subconscious does and your body most certainly does.
The way I sometimes flinch at something you say, or recoil at a certain touch; it's not you- It's some part of me reacting to something similar that's happened before or something.

There are some things that have happened that we don't remember, but that's locked away in our bodies instead.
There are some things I don't remember. And i remember only when I pour through page after page after tear-stained page of old writings. It is then that I begin to see and trace back and understand myself a little better. And I am grateful I wrote when I did.


And then there is you, now.
Babe,
I want to remember. My god, I do.
The way we picked out faucets for a home we didn't have and chose cars based on the number of kids who weren't yet on the way.
The way we'd fall asleep on grass in the middle of the day, or polish off a bottle of wine with our roast chicken.
The way you taught me the sound of a smile and the finding of calm in the evenness of someone's breathing.

There are so many things that feel like they've just happened yesterday... So many things that feel like we're still in that unrooted, hazy, dreamy state we first started out in. And that's what's extra exciting.

I want to remember-
You and us and all the things I've felt when I'm with you.

And if I start to forget...
If the humdrum of our lives get to us, and our workaholism gets the better of us to the point missing each other becomes a familiar dull throb somewhere inside that we stop paying attention to,
That I, stop paying attention to-
Help me remember then, won't you?

Because there might come things I'll grow tired of feeling, things we bring up wearily because we've gone over them before and it's not getting better. There are aches we might get used to and an absence we might learn to live with albeit with spoonfuls of resentment to taste.
But I am always going to want to remember everything that came before. Promise I am.

So please,
Say you won't let me forget?