Sunday, March 9, 2008

a few steps closer

and i'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
but i've gotta get a move on with my life

it's time to be a big girl now,
and big girls don't cry

What a long way up, i had thought to myself, why should i even bother when he obviously doesn't?

It seems easy, standing here now.
You turn your back, stare out over the pretty lights, and breathe-
Almost forgetting the pain of climbing uphill in six inch heels.

Then again, it's kind of hard to forget;
When your wrists ache with the scars, your arms still feeling like they've been bruised
When sad songs play, and you're thinking about the old lover rather than the possibility of being close enough to get hurt by a new one.
Yes, it's hard to forget;
Even though the mark on your right middle finger- left by the ring he gave you- has long faded
Even though the pictures and little toys have all been taken down
Even though you've found yourself crying over other people/ almost lovers since him.

I found myself looking back, tonight.
Highly unprepared for the assault of painful memories that associated themselves with the song. Ironic, considering that, just today, we were told not to be caught off-guard.
There's an element of sad truth about that, i feel-
Like, we can't ever be just, relaxed and unthinking.

I digress.
I froze for a moment or two, remembering the feel of the place i was in(physically and mentally), at the time of listening to that song over and over and over again.
It seems so blurry and far away, yet at the same time, not quite far enough.

I can almost feel the alcohol running through me at, what was it now, nine in the morning? The feeling that, this was all i'd ever need to get me through the day. Thought i'd never, in a million years, get out of it. I didn't even know where to begin and i don't know if i actually wanted to, at the time.

A long way up, it's been.
Really, it has. and honestly, i haven't given it serious thought for a long long while.
Nothing, no good or bad but really, just nothing, came and would ever come of it.
It's amazing to think about it now.
You realize how much time has passed, how much your feelings have changed.

Hey V, what if i told you-
I don't hate him now? (I never have)
Don't love him, and just. Don't know?

It's not in a sad way though, amazingly.
Oh and please, no no no.
I'm not getting nostalgic.

It's almost like flipping through your journal (I did that last night, so perhaps that explains this)
and just being startled at the change in yourself, everything and everyone else around you.
Felt like i was left for nothing, back then.
Can you? When it's not altogether the other person's fault?

Pulling through was an absolute Godsend though.
It's hard to imagine being in a place so dark, now.

It's gonna be a long time to love, it's gonna take a lot to hold on.
It's gonna be a long way, to happiness.

But well,
i think i'm quite a few steps closer now.

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