Thursday, March 27, 2008
Step Five: Cry
I don't know why, but the journey home has left me semi-breathless(not literally),
stoning and spacing out at randomness and knocking at depression's door.
Don't open the door though, please.
On the whole, i've been very happy.
And today has given me absolutely no reason to not be happy, save for my most recent students who, even more recently became ex-students.
At the same time, in all my annoyance, i simply cannot be bothered. Really.
Cannot be bothered to fight for all of five extra dollars because, it really doesn't make a difference to me.
I work based largely on trust, in all my areas of work.
When it comes to songs, I need desperately to find someone i feel i can trust when i hand over my songs. Trusting that we're on the same wavelength, have similar understandings and goals and purposes and also, importantly, trusting that my music won't get run off with.
That's just an example; Without a doubt, i'd be lost and doomed if not for Enqing.
When it comes to tutoring, I never do the whole advanced payment thing as the Korean mother found out today. And i trust that, once someone has completely agreed to and settled on rates, everything is kept the same.
Based on this same reason, i was aghast when i found out that a particular school refused to pay one of our teams after they had done the show.
Their reasons included the overused "they weren't up to standard".
Back to point-
If a mother feels that five dollars will be of a difference to her, it doesn't bother me.
Doesn't and shouldn't bother me either that after the planning and whatnot that i did, the effort i actually took, they'd go back to the same person who drove them to me in the first place.
And should they need me again, i'd say no straight out.
A part of me half wonders if their decision was made after they happened to catch Sunday's Crimewatch.
A tad coincidental don't you think? That they decide to change tutors after two weeks of being fine. And of course, that their old tutor who supposedly could no longer commit, is back in the game.
Well all i can say is,
if watching that ep is what made their decision, they're really going to need a damn lot of help for English.
Obviously this affected me more than i thought it would.
I guess it was also coupled with the fact that I couldn't talk about it.
I mean, I wanted to this afternoon, the moment I got the notice, but I couldn't. And somehow, this evening's conversation made my little annoyance seem pimple-small in general.
Then of course, i come home for this to pour out.
I am annoyed, if you must know. But i can't be bothered because i don't really want to. It'd be a waste of grey hairs.
oh my, what a troubled soul.
did i not start off saying i had nothing to be upset about? hmm
Today was very nice.
Lessons were fantastic and i've gotten an extention with my little Korean girl.
Get this, I'm even teaching Chinese now.
I had lunch with Alastair at Billy Bombers, and luncheon appointments with this guy are hard to make mind you.
Stella joined us for a bit and I must say, it's amazing that during non school hours she can psyche herself into getting up at such ungodly hours to come to work. Kudos to you girl.
Finally met Candace (or is it Candice?) who's studying in SA and a very nice girl and super fun.
Okay you know what,
i really can't pretend and lie and say everything's fine when it's not.
Because it really is not.
I feel like crying and i don't know why.
and i'm annoyed at myself because there's no reason to be upset.
And NO, it is not my hormones or like, that time of the month cos that's safely passed.
i cant stand this
i'll blog another time
maybe im just tired