a very grey afternoon indeed.

It was supposed to be a busy day today.
Not particularly jam-packed but definitely planned out.
And now there's nothing.
I can't stand messed up plans, it gets me rather moody. But then again, I take my rainchecks and say my sorrys now and then too.

I think I'm tired.
Awfully tired at that.
Of so many things too.
I feel so incredibly unmotivated that it scares me and you screaming,
"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FAT AND UNMOTIVATED." does NOT help.
In short, I am (to put it mildly) rather frustrated at myself.

I've got work, a couple of auditions and assignments to finish this week.
Tomorrow's a perk though, I'll admit. That's why I wouldn't cancel it.

The thing is, it's not like I'm overwhelmed with anything. I'm just bloody sick and tired of having to do things. Of having to think at all.
I figure, if you're in school like the rest of Singapore, and you spend everyday in school doing things that other people plan for you and unwinding more string from the same ball of yarn, then you won't get this frustration.
But you might just get annoyed at not having a say in anything you do and only having to think about what kind of food you should eat (besides mugging qwarfudgeringly hard I guess).
I need an intense dose of discipline shot right into my arm.
And not just for the pain part of it.

I seriously feel like slumping over and just,
bloody hell,
collapsing/dying/something that won't require me to do anything for a long long while.

I'm tired also,
of wanting to want.
The whole relationship cycle that we're always talking about over a glass of wine (or six).
You've got people all over the place dying to be held/loved/fucked over.
Why is that?

I nearly cried, watching the whole Jennifer Aniston story on E-True Hollywood Story.
Kinda always felt that the saddest breakup was Jennifer and Brad's. Although Brad and Angelina do look all hot and stuff together.
I don't know, you know.
Jen and Brad, they were just so sweet.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM RAMBLING ABOUT THIS GODFORSAKEN ISSUE WHEN I COULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

Anyway, point to my bloody fucking pointless post is:

1) I am tired and unmotivated and very annoyed with myself.
And I'm too lazy to figure out what's wrong. Maybe I'll be fine when I've taken a dump.

2) People should stop telling me how they neeeeed to be with someone. (None of my close friends do that, THANK YOU JESUS! Okay, no one's actively been doing that at all, but I've heard of enough stories thank you!) Because I'm the worst person in the world to talk to about this stuff. If given the chance I would probably stare at you and say, get yourself a toy.
Or I would start lecturing you on how you should be happy with yourself and stop thinking that you need someone in order to feel complete/happy/fulfilled, because if you ever came up with that kind of inane bullshit to my argument, I will probably punch you in the face.
(Once again, THANK GOD my friends don't do that because if I punched them, I would probably end up being worse-off. Somehow I had Ann na in mind when I typed that.)

I mean, there was that whole Jennifer Hudson thing being blown up to the public.
Her sister splitting from her husband and, when her mom told the soon-to-be-ex-son-in-law to move out, she ends up dead. The young boy of the couple has gone missing. And Jennifer Hudson's brother is also dead.

Clearly that is an extreme. But well.

I think I will be dreadfully unfulfilled if I had a wedding where I came in on bloody horseback and became a stay at home soccer mom who baked cookies for my daughter so she'll have something to eat after her after-school fuckfest right above the kitchen sink.
I will die.

But I think what's killing me now is thinking about all this when I don't have to.
So obviously it is time for me to shut up.

and yes,
push my way back through those goddamn swinging glass doors and back into the hustle and bustle that I would kill to get away from.