Monday, November 3, 2008

believing, that he's gonna come round soon.

I thought one of the things I'd learnt was never to expect anything from anybody.
So I don't know why I still do that.

Anyway. I'm up at ten on the first day of the first official week that I have absolutely no work.
So it's my first day to myself and I should be happy and enjoying it and relaxing.
But I'm not, clearly, or I wouldn't have typed out that last sentence.

Janice is down with some kind of crazy high fever, and because it's highly unlikely that I'll be home all day, she's at the office with mom.

Cafe Del Mar is not recruiting any waitresses, so there goes my evil plan of getting a hot tan while working.

My first completed module has finally been graded.
It was English, and even though I swear I worked bloody hard on it, I ended up with a total grade of a B-
That just adds to my overall annoyance at myself, so I'm not going to whine and cry even though I really want to. And I'd like to call someone, anyone, up because this whole grade thing is really getting to me, but what would be the point in that, exactly?
So I'm going to just shutup and get on with life.

I'm overwhelmed by that same feeling of frustration as I was at the beginning of last week. I'm pretty sure it stems from this knowledge that everyone is busy, off doing something else. And I should be too, as a matter of fact.
But I can't seem to just, get down to it. And that is a huge source of frustration.
See it's fine if everyone close to you is procrastinating like crazy, or working with you. But I suppose it's a bit different when you're suddenly chucked all this alone time without warning.

Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time. But last week, so many people cancelled on me and SO MANY days got messed up that when I could've been doing something way more productive, I wasn't because I was out and getting mad at my cellphone because it delivered the voices of various people saying, "Sorry, but something came up."
I can probably count the number of people last week who didn't cancel on me. Of course we always have last minute things to do and all that. Getting cancelled on now and then is fine, it's just that it sort of happened to me like, the entire fucking week.
So last week was quite a rollercoaster ride. And I found myself crying lots, more out of frustration than anything else, and texting a close friend heaps of rubbish. Thank God for her though.

Anyway, it almost feels like today's going to be one of those days.
I think I might just end up staying at home to do work. How fucking fantastic. And poor TLC had to go to mom's office cos I was supposed to be busy.

Actually, it feels like this week is going to be one of those weeks.
So anyway, just like how I'm fed up with waiting around for people in order to get stuff done, I'm just going to do whatever it is I need to do.
I can't fucking be bothered anymore, and I hate this immense feeling of self-loathe that comes with the frustration. It's not just being stressed out about work. It's like, being stressed out and not having anyone to talk to because everyone is busy doing their own stuff. And worse still, you should be too, except you're blogging about these kind of rubbish feelings that no one has time to think about because it's utter bullshit.

as you can see, this is why I've been rather grumpy in the last week on an on-off basis.

I want to get a waitressing job for like, two weeks.
I really really do.
Just so that I can say, "I did this!"
Then again, I might just do something else.
I want to get one of those random sales/waitressing/don't know what kind of jobs that people my age get!
This is the problem with being a teacher; when school's out, that includes you too.

I'm not being a complete slug though, Thank God.
I went down for a couple of auditions, did a short film on Saturday. It was fantastically beautiful and the scriptwriter/director is just amazing. She's really funny and easy to work with. The way she talks reminds me of my old flatmate, Dawn. They talk in this way that really makes you comfortable about saying stupid stuff.

I've also got a show lined up for me next Monday at a primary school.
Probably have a couple more stuff like Drama workshops to help out in and more random one-day projects to do with Inward Bound. So all that's not too bad.
I just need to figure out what to do with the rest of my time.

Besides studying that is.

We'll see.
I should stop hanging about, waiting for people to be free so that I can get off my ass and do something. That, for sure, would just be absolute bullshit and is definitely guaranteed to fuck me up and get me really pissed off with the world.

And there's so much to do, anyways.
Like packing up my life into cardboard boxes and pretending that we're moving off to some place better.

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