Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Last Kiss

I'm twenty minutes into that show, and really really really want to finish watching it.
Except the weirdest thing happened.
I just removed the five lines after that last sentence because my mom and I talked.
We're alright now, at least we were. But now she thinks I am still throwing a temper by sitting in my room and not continuing to watch.

I am not.

I'm not just saying it. I'm not throwing a temper. I just hate watching movies half way.
Especially if I want to watch it properly.
This is the first time I'm watching this movie and I really want to watch it proper.
I've missed twenty minutes and going out there to finish the movie will simply frustrate and annoy my eyeballs out of my head.

But that's okay. I'm going to drop it right now.
I'm not mad at my mom, she was just as caught up in the movie as I was. Nothing wrong with that.
And no, I'm not mad now.
I just think that sometimes you need to accept people's idiosyncrasy. I really do.
But I'm not mad, or annoyed. Just hurt. I feel like crying.
Cos this whole thing is seriously bloody stupid.
It's getting pissed off at a tv show lah, come on.

I'm not mad, I laughed at it, we understand, so let's let it drop- that's what I think.
So okay, dropping it now.

back to the show:
It's a nice take on the guys' perspective, which is why I really want to watch it.

Anyway, it got me thinking.

Dear Vicky Chen, (I picked her cos she's the only one who would slap me really hard)
Please swear to God that if I get irate, irrational and unreasonable when it comes to someone I'm in a relationship with, you will slap as hard as you possibly can and without thought for whether or not I will punch you.


Okay, mommy if you read this, it's not that I didn't understand the person in the movie.
I get the hormonal thing, and I think maybe because it was a movie, they had to get her angrier earlier.

Maybe it's because I've become someone who doesn't expect commitment and exclusivity. I can't say whether or not I'll say the same thing in a relationship. Maybe it's nice to not label your thing as a relationship. Then you're not expecting that commitment.
Maybe I'm just always expecting people to start rethinking, after a while- Just like I did.
Maybe that's why I don't want to tie people down and feel like I'm tying someone down.
I'll be damned if I do that.
And I suppose that's why I don't want to get married.

In that thirty year marriage, having been together since college, he didn't feel a thing for her.
What was that line he said?
"Of course I'd notice if you were gone. We're contractually bound."

Well leapin' lizards.
I do not want to feel like I've made you sign away your bloody life.
Of course as a girl, most of us have pretty would-bes that have us dressed up in white dresses and walking down the aisle (or having a horse do that for you).

I can't say I don't want that.
And sometimes I think.
Boy, i do really want that. I want to be able to do that when I'm young and not just when I'm fifty (like I planned).

But then immediately after, I also think,
One beautiful day, a tonne of money, a supposedly once-in-a-lifetime thing, it'll just last that one day. Then it'll be in pictures and memory.
And you won't be thinking about stuff like that when you're running after screaming toddlers with another one in your arms and they're both screaming blue bloody murder.
Maybe I will get married one day, but I find it less likely after I have the kids.

Plus, I think it's the most unfair thing you can do to a child.
Yeah well, you know how our parents protect us from stuff they went through and we in turn want to protect our kids from things we've gone through.
It's not the best of plans, and it's not fool-proof,
but I can't get over that bright neon sign that flashes saying that a marriage will break down.

I don't know how the others keep it together, I really don't.
And I just think, it is only a matter of time before one or the others gets up and leaves.
And when that time comes I want to be able to say,
It's alright, because you stayed heaps longer than I'd ever expect you to.

Which is true.
What you don't expect can never hurt you.
And if you go into it, expecting to do shit alone, then you won't get mad at someone for not helping you with the demon child in your arms. I mean, it's sort of like how you'd ask a friend for help rather than demanding.

After all that, I still can't say for certain.
I'm not married, haven't been and haven't been in a long enough relationship.
But the world, it's pretty damn scary, and I can't keep wishing for my kids to come out blind and deaf.

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