I've got this disgusting habit of saying I'm going to do things without really having it all settled first. I guess my excitement gets quite ahead of me.
"Oh, you'll regret being mean to me! I'm going home to the UK!" I told my classmates when I was eight. They sort of just rolled their eyes and said something to the like of,
"Oh go on then, put us out of our misery."
And I said it year after year after year.
"I'm going to boarding school." I told awestruck kids in my childcare centre.
"Oh I'm headed to the US!" I declared to Bird, when I was eleven. "I might not even stay for my PSLE!"
And then it became, I might not stay til sec 2 and by gosh, I'll definitely not be around for O levels!
Look at where the fuck I am right now.
I hate that I get excited and I tell people and then it doesn't happen.
My parents back out or stuff changes or GodKnowsWhat.
I'm not mad at my mom, although she might think I am right now.
Nope, I'm not going for Bike lessons anymore. Mainly, because it doesn't make sense.
I'm going to be here for about 14months max, and spending half that time learning and only getting to ride about for the other half is quite a joke.
So. Forget that.
I'm not going for that short term course at La salle either. Mainly because well. Okay honestly? Right now I can't be bothered. I'm fed up. I want to get out of this half-life I'm living.
FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS GODDAMMIT. FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS LIVING SOME KIND OF HALF-LIFE. LIVING LIKE I MIGHT BE PACKING UP AND GOING SOME PLACE ELSE NEXT WEEK. LIVING LIKE I'M WAITING FOR MY LIFE TO START.
And that, i realize, is all I've been doing actually.
Waiting for my life to start when it already has/had. I like what I do now and all that, oh don't get me wrong. I love my job, and my friends and everything that I am right now.
But everytime I think about things like that, it irks me.
Four years ago, a friend whom I'd known from childcare days (which was five years back) rang me up just to catch up.
"So," she goes, "You're back for the holidays right?"
"huh?" I went.
"Cos you said you'd be in boarding school, so if I'm talking to you in Singapore means you're having holidays, right?"
Anyways, who am I to complain?
I've got a beautiful baby girl, a job I love and time to do my studies in the way that I actually like. And both my parents are alive and my best friends are so amazing that I might just marry all of them for the heck of it.
My time will come.
To do whatever I want to do. Like, have kids, adopt kittens, come up with a good enough reason to go bald.
my time will come.