WILL SELL BUTTONS FOR HELP!

So, I'm so frustrated with Chemistry that I, believe it or not, started on Maths.
Yes, Charis Vera Ng actively clicked on and therefore activated her College Algebra module.
I thought I might as well, since my Math book came in the mail and before arriving in my mailbox, wrote me a very charming letter.

Hello Charis,

(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note - it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)

Holy canasta! It's me... it's me! I can't believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I've got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can't believe I'm leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already - the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge - so many memories. I don't have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it's time to see the world!

I can't wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen)and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol' brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am?

I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I've had, I'm ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn't take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I've found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana.

But hey, enough about me, I've been asked to brief you on a few things:

We sent your order to the following address:

blah blah blah

Eagerly awaiting our meeting,

College Algebra

Lovely.

So I've opened up my first math assignment. Which should be easy enough. Very very easy in fact. After all, I love algebra (no seriously, I do. It's the only thing in math that I get)
Besides, pretty much secondary school stuff.
EXCEPT TO MY HORROR, I'VE JUST REALIZED THAT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
I AM GOING TO DIE!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AT ALL!
NOTHING FROM CHEMISTRY TO MATH TO OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
I HAVE NOT DONE MATHEMATICS IN TWO FUCKING YEARS! TWO FUCKING YEARS! AND I HAVEN'T DONE CHEMISTRY IN THREE!
THIS IS INSANE!

):

Will sell Buttons for help):
okay, maybe not. She smells too good.