please floor, don't give out from under me

I've had quite a lovely saturday morning so far.
Breakfast-ed with mommy before surprising her by popping by the polo club.
Mommy, she's the most adorable thing really(:

So I sat around, did a bit of mindmapping for the script that I'm working on,
And then had lunch with Erika before finding myself at the random bus stop at potong pasir, waiting to bring The Little Creature to the SAJC open house.

It's nice, having family time last night and then mommy-time and littlecreature-time,
And each in its own space.
I'm heading back to the office later on to finish work that absolutely must be finished.
I don't mind it really. It's the sort of rather unthinking type of task that leaves me feeling quite calm and productive.
1.30pm
-- --

SO. I popped by the flea market with the little creature, just to hang out for a bit with dd and v (and later tania and vic)
I hate how D's stays always feel so incredibly short all the time.
I always feel like I need just a couple more days with her around and I'll be alright except.
I'm quite ashamed to say, I hardly spend as much time with her as I'd like.

Anyhoosies,
Sister-time with the little creature this afternoon was lovely.
I likey.

And I liked dinner and the simplicity of it. Haven't had that for a while and,
Truth be told, I've missed it a whole lot.


Change, sometimes it creeps up on you and your barely notice it. But I don't think we're meant to fight it and hold on to things- try desperately to keep it the way it is.
Because if we do that, we might end up missing out on how much better it could've been.
And I really like the place I'm in now.

Office Time

You do things, say things sometimes,
that make me want to just
stop. Put everything down,
stop.
Listen, while I find myself smiling like a fool.
Listen, and laugh,
put down the pen that I'm fidgeting with,
to pay you full attention.
Stop.
and fight an overwhelming urge to kiss you.


This is a balance.
Or it almost is. And I'm getting there. And I don't mind it.
Not one bit.

Grow up, C

No, but really,
I'm just being a baby.
I am.

I need to shut up and deal. I really do.

She never did know one might be capable of feeling like this.
No, she begins, it's not like, I-feel-a lot-for-you sort of a thing.
She pauses, pencil hovering over the yellowed pages of her leather bound book,
turning her thoughts over in her head.
It's more like, she tears her eyes away from the collection of words she's pieced together, choosing instead to focus on a random spot on the wall.
Breathes.
It's more like-
Like I feel for you in such an immense, collected way. It's not a whole mass of feeling hitting me like a tidal wave,
splashing itself over anyone standing too close. It's not like that at all.
She pauses again, briefly this time. Picking words with deliberation; Being sure that what she has to say is more than just streams of consciousness, more than a tangle of feelings left to sort itself out.

What I feel for you, it's all that's collected in the beaker at the end of the distillation process. Concentrated, and in its purest form.
I'm not overwhelmed by these feelings; I'm overwhelmed by the much-ness of it,
The immensity of it. Just the immensity of it.
Like if I were a flannel cloth, I'd be soaked with it.
Saturated, if I might use that word.
Or a glass bottle, corked, ordinary looking and sitting on a shelf.
Containing, within itself, such a concentrated, undiluted liquid,
That surely, oh surely it might burn
To even
Touch.

Because it makes sense to.

"Do you trust me?" A simple enough question,asked openly, honestly.
And I'd answered immediately, without even having to consider my answer and what she may or may not do with it.
I was somewhat taken aback by myself I suppose. But then, you always come to realize things about yourself every now and then.

"And why's that?" She asked softly.
Without quite knowing why, my voice caught and my chest knotted.
My answer came to me then, and I could not find a reason for this random choking up.
And so I told her, best as I could, best as I knew how- as open as I could possibly be.
And I felt everything fall into place, knowing with every bit of me that I meant what I was saying.



Is a funny thing sometimes,
this trust.
Especially when we search for reasons that aren't there.
Or when, perhaps, we find that one believes because there wasn't a reason not to.
Because at some point or other, your reason will come.
Your reason to not believe, it will come,
Whether or not you want it to, whether or not you're looking for it.

And if your reasons for believing aren't based on something that doesn't threaten to collapse under the sheer weight of truth,
Then I think it'd be quite the expectation to find yourself in a mess of sorts.


But then, sometimes, just sometimes,
Someone comes along, leaving you flummoxed at your sudden inability to phrase yourself.
And you find that you believe, not because there isn't a reason not to, but rather,
Because something or other just sorta fits.
Like it makes sense.
Like it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

And this,
This not having a reason, it can be a tad perturbing, just sometimes.
But I think maybe,
It's just about time that I learnt to trust myself too.

homesick

Today reminds me of home.
The weather, the feel, the sounds.
Especially since five this afternoon.

And I realize over and over again just how much I miss home.
Some days are more bearable than others, like today.
Other days see me sitting on a bench and crying myself stupid.

Today is okay.
Today is bearable.
Today feels like I can actually do something, albeit in time.

Today's also made me realize
not a single day has passed since I first arrived in this country
that I haven't wished desperately to be back home.

i like today quite a bit

I loved church and how it went.
Everything; from the time I got there, to worship,
to the sermon- small group style.
I bus-ed it home and chatted with the little creature over Ben&Jerry's Turtle Soup.
And I got to nap too(:

I love days like these,
Calm and beautiful and mine(:

So we're heading to the dbs arts centre for Hannah's play which I'm quite excited about. I've never been one for local plays, much less ones done by the upcoming generation.
I only ever go for Vicky's and Asher's and only because I think they act well.
Even so, the rest of the cast doesn't always promise to be un-cringeworthy.

And it's a terrible occupational hazard of mine, because I find myself less capable of sitting down to enjoy the play for what it's worth.
To the point of actually fighting the urge to get up and leave sometimes.

Of course, a large part of it is my intolerance for bad pronunciation and bizarre word-emphasis that is a typical trait of local actors/actresses.
At the same time, I'll admit that I am incredibly quick to make blanket statements and generalizations.

So this point on, with working on SYF next year and such, I very much want to see what I ought to brace myself for, what I should and shouldn't do,
What I will.not.stand.for on stage and just open myself up to ideas because I think that's important too.

Truth be told, I'm kind of scared of going this evening.
I'm scared I'll be so horrified that it'll take me massive effort to stay put.
Not because Hannah's bad at all, but I wouldn't know about the rest of the cast now will I?
And I don't even know what the play is/is about.
I hope it's not a local-comedy thing because I find locals have a very strange sense of humour.

Anyways, we'll just see how that goes.
Everything's a learning point I guess. *chants it silently like a mantra*


two seconds to your smile

so i love you because i know no other way

than this


Perhaps it's the way I might see myself cooking us dinner,
despite never having been the sort who'd cook.
Or perhaps the way I like being up before the sun,
and breakfasting with you.

Possibly the way I feel like I actually want to put down work,
Theatre-related work at that (which is unheard of) to spend time.
Or maybe the way I can sit with you, and not have to do anything,
Anything at all.

Surely, it must be the way I slip into sleep against you;
My body against the length of yours, our fingers knitted.
And if it wasn't then it must be how you press your nose to mine sometimes,
Or how you hold out your hand to me,
Or how you say hello when you answer your cell.

It could be how you text to say you'll be home soon-
Complete with a pretty picture to smile at.
Or the way it feels, knowing that you are,
That you're just a bit away from home.

And still, if it weren't,
if it weren't any of it in the least,
Then,
it must be how you come home, covered in work,
And manage the most beautifully tired smile I've ever seen
in all my life.

A child's eyes

Maybe it's because I fancy myself open, and frank, and honest.
Maybe it's because, as best as I want to, I'd like to be an open book.

And I won't say things I don't mean, things I haven't thought through.
Because I wouldn't like that to be done to me, quite honestly.

Stupidly though, for a while, I thought other people might be like that too. Except they weren't.
So I just nodded, and smiled and took everything with a pinch of salt.

And then after a while, it was nice to find someone I felt I could ease up with.
Someone I didn't have to keep second guessing at every turn and corner.

But sometimes,
just sometimes, even truths have strains of
uhm, I can't quite find the word for it right now but-
uh something or other.
And then, words are all that one's left with.



uhm.


So.
yes.



I think a part of me is afraid, more of myself than anything.

I mean, when someone starts a sentence with, "This is the first time I've.." it would be nice to take it at face value.
Just. sometimes, you know?

And then at some point, someone comes along, and you find that you don't find it very difficult to believe.
But,
stupidly,
some part of me, it's scared that I do.




That somehow,
at some point,
she had me unravelled

and caught me with my guard down.

So how now, brown cow?

This random Wednesday, I find time to tell you random things

Like how, for one, I've been a bit busy.
And how I type and email so much more on Kym that in the first hour of using a computer, I'm a bit lost, to be honest.


The week, and today in particular, has been a tad uhm, tiring.
My first two classes were great. Hardly any trouble, went on without a hitch. And I got to working on The Script in between classes (and loo breaks, and in between bbming Bird).
Lunch was nice.
Simple and, nice. Good Lord I feel like Joel and then Clem from Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind.
I need to stop using the word "Nice".

The afternoon class was noisy but not entirely impossible.

But i'm tired today.
Brain dead.
And it's not just physical, this tiredness.
Oh I don't know.

Too much thinky-thinky.
I will go to bed before my brain explodes on me.


This is Tommy!
Who's being an absolute darling and letting me use his place as a stopover for shoesies!:D

OHOH!
Random fact about me (I re-realized it today) to finish off your Wednesday:
I think I've mentioned how I don't watch a lot of telly because I find it pretty noisy.
Weeeell, I realized I watch with the telly on mute quite a lot.
unless I'm sitting down specifically to watch something.

yes.
uhm.

okay I will go disappear now.
Toodles

Disappearances and the joy it brings-

So I got back from Phuket with me blueberry face and cut up leg.
It was a gorgeous gorgeous getaway; Quaint, quiet, homely.
I suppose I could've done without crashing our scooter into a truck, and spending the next 14 hours secretly wondering if I'd wake up if I fall asleep and then hobbling about the rest of the trip looking sorry for myself while Erika got odd looks from non-locals. (It's the bruised eye man)
I'll talk about Phuket in an entirely seperate post. promise.

It's my first week back at work, and everytime I get back to work and such, I realize over and over again just how insanely in love I am with it.
Swear to God, I can't stop!
I've gotten my script and I've picked out the kids for SYF. I'm just brimming with excitement about embarking on the entire SYF journey with this bunch. There's just so much, SO MUCH that they can do, that I feel I might be able to do with them.
It's brilliant, and God, I am SO SO happy.
My Thursdays and Fridays look obscenely busy, and I suppose I could do with less running around but hey,
we can't always have it our way!

I've never understood people's grouse about being in the office though.
Honest to God, if I had the morning/afternoon off from a school, I wouldn't half mind going back to the office. I'm actually honestly a tiny bit peeved that I will have to wait til Wednesday to get in. Because Kirsten's running on her own brain juice and I could do with a charger.
Plus, considering what I've been doing on the go, it'd be nice to be able to sit down and my desk to do it. And not have to constantly look up to see which train station I'm at and whether or not I'm making good time and then promptly losing my place on the script.
diddums.

The last few days were quite lovely, I found.
In the most impossibly simple way.
I've never felt such contentment and comfortablity and cosiness. Never.
And at times when I felt a fraction of it, I've always felt like such a sodding sap because of it. I guess it was nice, knowing someone else kinda liked the simplicity of little things like that too.
I wouldn't have swapped out any of the littlest things, not for the world.
It was everything, really-
Having our own space, and doing our own things,, together and really not being joined at the hip
and the entire time,
just having a sort of ease to it all.

I could get used to it.
Although sometimes I think, thinking that makes me do a double take (I wouldn't actually say it scares me. just makes me sit up and look at myself oddly).
Because I don't do that- Get used to things like this.

Next week looks infinitely busier than the one that's just passed.
I'm itching to pick up my script and do my work.
But in the meantime, all that's left of the girls are waiting to go for ice-cream at Kovan.
(Yes V, this is what I'm doing while you're bbming me.)


This Saturday afternoon was brimming with contentment and lazy cat-stretches.
I like.



it's the littlest things;
Laundry, while I do work on the couch. Or making bubble & squeak while you wash the morning's work off you.

because.

And even if I wasn't allowed to,
The only difference would've been the amount of physical space.

And no, I didn't see this coming
But
I have never felt like this before

Just in case you were wondering...

I'm seeing myself off to Phuket tomorrow evening(:
I foresee a lot of lazing about, time in the sun and where our biggest battle will be against inersia.
Can't say I'm complaining, to be honest.

And because I thought it nice for you to check out where we'll be for the next five days,
here're pictures!^^

Warning: You will likely get jealous, I'm afraid. It is quite, quite lovely.

BRACE YOURSELF!


So this is our rooftop pool.
Complete with a view(:
And random lounge-about spot. Y'know, for days, we don't feel like the pool/beach.
A nice spot for a game of chess, me thinks.


And what would a holiday be without a bar hey?




But the best bit, swear to God,
just has to be the room.

We're staying in a Studio Apartment,
so that means pretty much most living needs all in a cute little space!

YEP!
And I think I spy a little window couch to the top left corner of the picture!
Oh is love!
Perfect for cosying up with a book(:

Oh and yes, complete with an outside balcony AND kitchenette.
So that the room won't smell of cooking, when we're done, and also so we can have dinners and such, outside in the evenings,
with the breeze and the view(:

I would be lying, just absolutely lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't looking forward to this.
And yes I know pictures can lie and all, and I'm trying desperately not to have too high an expectation. But at the same time, the worst I can imagine are these pretty pictures, just awfully aged and dirty.
And it still doesn't seem Godawfully bad, y'know?
(:

I hope the trip turns out brilliantly.
I quite imagine it will actually.

Lazy days spent cosying up, the smell of coffee in the morning, sun, four-wheel drives, grocery shopping, wondering what to cook for dinner, and dinners on the balcony.
I am looking forward to it, all of it, immensely(:


----------------------

SO YES,
I haven't really been updating.
I happened to be awfully ill the last time I blogged, and have since spent that day, battling it.
In fact, even right now, I've got the remnants of the sniffles.
Ugh.
It's bloody awful.

I sat on my ass for quite a bit before finally hauling my feverish self to the doctors. Got a bout of meds, and stocked up on others, and I am more or less fine and dandy now!

Soccer's been bril so far, and I have managed to stay up for two matches!
Spain and Chile was the most worth it, out of all the matches I've watched. At least I think.
They've started running together, all the matches, and aside from Spain and Chile, I can't quite remember how the others played. I quite liked the Netherlands, I think.
Anyway, Torres isn't the best of recent, I'm hoping he'll pick up and work that Liverpool magic that he always has(:
Alexis Sanchez, who plays for Chile is one dishy guy. And all of 22, yum! But Chile's out, shame that.
I'm looking forward to soccer night over pizzas and coke when I'm back from Phuket. And making pancakes in the morning too, of course. Although lets hope we keep the kitchen-destroying to a minimum. Mommy's fine with me destroying our kitchen but I think it best to leave other people's kitchen intact.

I've also had thee major meeting for and about work. And I absolutely love where and how it's going. It's upsetting that I'm missing two first classes this week, but then I think,
dinners on the balcony,
and I find myself a bit less upset. ^^

Had a performance yesterday at the Vineyard Loft, and I think it went pretty well and I'm fantabulously pleased(:
Erika brought Nick with her this time, and he didn't seem to mind it all. Neither did Kevin, who came to watch for the first time. And I'm quite pleased at the turnout(:
The family (which includes Vicky) were there, and I realize how lucky I am to have always had them around at most of my performances. Victor had to come by earlier to sort out sound, bless his heart. I'll never know what I'd do without them, any of them(:
It's the first time in five years that I've performed with the entire band. And I absolutely loved it. We're promising to do more, and truly, I hope we do before I leave<3

It's been a smashing end to an altogether lovely week.
Can't say I've minded any of it.

I crashed out today though. Just completely died and only rolled out of bed at half three in the afternoon. Personally, I thought it horrendously disgusting. But I suppose my body needed to do that. Especially after sleeping at half past four, if not five, for three out of the last four/five nights.
And I'm not really doing anything to help it actually. Rawr.
It's already 3.45am on a Monday.
I need to get bloody started with my packing, dammit.

I'd best be off then!
Breakfast with Vicky in six hours. I'm contemplating blading there.
hmmmm, now that's a thought^^


TRIP! PACKING, NOW! YAYYY
Phuket, here I cooooomeeee.

Just so long, and long enough

As Freedom Is A Breakfastfood

as freedom is a breakfastfood
or truth can live with right and wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
-long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seem
and genius please the talentgang
and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men's hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind
and robins never welcome spring
nor flatfolk prove their world is round
nor dingsters die at break of dong
and common's rare and millstones float
-long enough and just so long
tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words but joy's the voice
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts and thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

E.E. Cummings


and I don't suppose I'd ever understood this in all its layers and entirety,
not until I met you

Teas that bitter

"Edinburgh is nice," he tells me. He'd just been, recently. And I was happy for him, truly I was.
"Don't I know it!" I laugh, pressing down on the sharp ache in my chest.
"You should totally go man!" He continues.
"Sweetheart!" I exclaim, "I lived there for most of the time that I was at home!"
My heart, it feels like it might come up my throat and choke me.
"Yeah I knowwwww," he chortles,
"But it's not like you're here right now right!"

My heart freezes, right then.
My breathing, it quickens and all I'm focused on in that span of five to ten seconds, is how much harder I'll need to press down to keep the pain inside from taking me over.


There was snow.
I remember snow.
And my fluoroscent green wool-lined wellies.
Cold noses, flushed cheeks,
a vast expanse of white that went on forever and ever and ever.


It was like a dream, my life then.
I always thought it was.
Like I wasn't really living it, like it was a dream.
"Mi, not too far!"
But I'm not listening, because it's a dream and I can go far, far away and still be safe.
Until I turn and there is a fleeting moment of panic because there's nothing else around me. And oh no, I'll get into trouble for this, surely I will,
when mommy told me not to go too far. But I didn't mean to, and I can't really be lost, can I?

And then,
"Chaaaa-res! What did I say?"
And Mommy is there, and Daddy. Mommy always said my name like that back home.
It wasn't just Charis, or Res.
She'd drag the "air" and pronounced the last bit of my name as "Res", not Ris.
Suddenly, I'm not lost anymore. And I'm not getting told off for disappearing either.
She chides me gently, so gently and with this smile like,
"Oh what will I do with you, silly girl!"
And the world,
the world is made right again.


For the most part,
I am afraid to go home.
Because all I've ever wanted is to go home.
And I'm afraid, so so afraid of going back now.
I can't.
I can't, knowing that I will have to leave. That I will merely be visiting.
That it's less coming home as it is seeing what I've missed out on,
what I will have to walk away from all over again and this time, with the knowledge that I won't be coming home again, not to live at least.



And I am afraid,
of what it will take out of me.
Because I just know that I won't be able to take it. I won't be able to leave, and I will have to.
And honestly,
I swear to God, honestly,
dying, being cut open and left to bleed would just be infinitely easier to deal with.


You don't know the half of it.
Trust me, you don't.
You don't know what it's like to sit here and know and remember and not be able to do anything about it.
You have absolutely no clue.
You don't know what it's like to wish and miss and be promised the world and never have any of it materialize.

You don't know what it's like, to spend most of your life, living like an outsider in a country that's never welcomed you. Having people say,
"Fine la. Go home to your UK la. No one understands what you're saying anyway!"
and you retorting, all of eight years old,
"I will! I'm supposed to anyways, and you'll be sorry you were mean to me!"
And then finding that the next week comes, and passes you by. And the week after that, and the week after that and the week after that.
Until it's been years, and no, you haven't left yet.

Of course,
I like the time I've spent here.
My best friends in all the world are here and I'm in love with my job and my cat.
And there's just been such a lot of things that I do appreciate and that I know I've gotten/experienced only because I was here.

But it doesn't stop me from missing home.
And it doesn't make me feel more at home here either.

And it's funny, you know.
For someone who's a huge believer in doing exactly what you want to do, in whatever will make you happy,
this is one of the two things so far that I can't do.

But you know,
at least in that second situation,
I got to say goodbye.

as freedom is a breakfast food

Or truth can live with right and wrong

Yesterday saw me ambling out of bed in the early morning, making breakfast for mommy on top of the wraps and sarnies I was putting together for breakfast on a pretty rooftop.
I paused momentarily, mid-wrap, to stare at the torrent of rain right outside my window. I was trying to decide if the rain was foiling my plans,and I decided, although it'd be a touch easier to not walk around a rooftop garden with a brolly, there'd be a quaint sort of prettiness to it and so, nope,
The rain wasn't foiling my plans. So I skipped out of the house, the warm food kept warm and the cold food kept cold, preeeetty much on time.
And then,
Everything from then til about noon just absolutely fell to pieces.
Generally, unless I'm late for work, I don't get impossibly het up. But when I am grotesquely late like this, when I would otherwise have arrived at a nice time, I border on hysteria and frustration and am quite likely to give in to tears.

Anyhoos, the pixar exhibition was fantabulous! It was soooo impossibly lovely that I'm hoping to go back again to fully absorb it all(:
afterwhich, I had dinner at Erika's.
I must say, Aunty Vivien is one fantastically brilliant cook! The food was amazingly delish, I kid you not!
One of those where you can lean back in your chair after dinner and rub your belly and sigh contentedly.
Which of course, I did not do, lest I get mistaken for a random hobo Erika picked off the street to bring back for dins. Hahaha

It was a lovely wednesday indeed, and by the time ten past noon rolled around, I'd almost forgotten the morning.
And everything else just fell into place(:

sappy stuff and the like

That you and me,
Found something pretty neat.
And it's a good excuse,
That I'd like to use
Baby I know what to do,
Baby I-
I'll love you, love you
I will love you

The weekend was a terribly interesting one indeed-
It started with my baby beau hitting her last year as a teenager. She's all grown up now, but no less of herself than she was when we first met.
I love that about her.
And I figure it's not the last birthday I'll spend with her.
And I love knowing that^^
So when we're 91, we'll muck about like we always have except instead of cutting lovely chocolate cakes, we'll have a grammy-version of birthday cakes.
Perhaps some mashed banana sorta mush shaped in a cake for us and our toothlessness(:
I love you vicky<3

D and michelle have flown off home,
And I'm glas that when I said goodbye this weekend, I said it with the knowledge that I'll likely see them again soon.

Chris Lee's much awaited wedding rolled around and it was a lovely affair.
The timing of it, sort of how I'd imagine I'd like mine to be-
The solemnization being during the whole hooha of dinner and such.
It was a nice dinner, and the company counted for a lot-
My dinner date as well as the other folks at the table.
Allyson looked absolutely stunning in both dresses, and Chris was a far cry from those grooms who just appear to be the brides' evening accessory in place of a sparkly handbag(:
I'm happy for them, very much indeed^^

T spent the night, and despite having plans for our Monday, we ended up spending it being complete slobs instead.
I seem to have a terrible habit of making even the most productive of people terribly hobo-like. Might just have to add that to my list of mutant powers now!

Post face-stuffing with copious amounts of chocolate at Max Brenners (maman and little creature, I will pick a day to bring you both there^^) saw me grabbing burgers with ohana- first proper proper meal of the day.
They went off on their mommy-little amoeba date while I caught Japan vs Cameroon.
It was an interesting match largely because of the conversation during the match.
We spent a lot of it deciding what the citizens of cameroon should be called.
I've gotten it down to Cameroonians or People Of Cameroon (who I will affectionately refer to as POCs)
^^

There's been talk about flying to krabi or bali. I'd quite like that^^
Seems like my June will be less of looking for a summer temp job as it will be just laying about and enjoying it for all its worth!
I don't mind that idea in the least(:

Smokes have lost that take on me of recent, well, since saturday.
And for that I am grateful because I've missed my blading and muay thai and the way my body just desperately wanted fruits and veggies aaaaaall the time.
It's refreshing(:

So I've got a meeting later that I'm very much looking forward to.
I'd like to see what Nora has planned, and how I can be a part of it. I'm in love with work and the people and just what I do and get to do in general.
Sooooo ^^

In the meantime, the shower is screaming my name and so is Buttons and her need for a shower.
Filthy little maomao!


So until then,
Ta(:

And so the week, it started in the quietest of ways.
And then it got terribly teary, what with the self-indulgent moments with pen, paper and a couple of doses of- don't hold your breath now-
Coffee.

But then it got better.
And in every possible way

And then it's the eighth, and it's a Tuesday

and I am falling apart

Like the walls might close in,
Like it's impossible to breathe,
Like if I spin around, I'd hit myself smack in the face with a reflection that's got crack lines all over it.


I don't quite fancy these spells of time that I get where I'm trying so desperately to run away,
only to find that you can't get away from yourself without tripping over your shadow.

I had a lovely time yesterday, I did. And it took me far enough away from the world.
But now, left shoulder blade stiff and a tummy full of koko krunch and bananas, all I'm thinking about is running away again.

Except, I've never thought of myself as the running-away sort. I'm not.
And what am I running away from anyways?
I suppose, what I mean to say, is that I need to get away.
Not necessarily run away but,
everything feels so very stifling at the moment.
I'm half afraid that if I don't catch myself in time, that I might just random smack a random child on the back of his head just because he said "tewshun" instead of "too-wi-shun" (tuition).

And I am fidgety.
I miss Muay Thai so much.
And it rained today so I can't blade without feeling like I might die.

I will be okay though, I must.
Because there's quiet time and all these things to do.
And I'm not distracting myself, and I love that I don't distract myself from the mess.
Instead, I go sit right in the middle of it all until it sorts itself out.

Time to take out the brushes and paints.
I've always loved doing that.


Sometimes I wish that the people close made it a tiny bit easier.
And I hate that I've just typed that or that I'm even thinking that.

But every second thing feels like it might break me.
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and oh,
just please don't look at me right now.
Because I'd turn out to be a frightful, frightful mess.

T

then I hear your voice,
And I find myself smiling

just kind of enough, at least for the people who matter

It's funny.
I wasn't actually very busy today-
A lunch appointment and the Night Safari later on.
So I had my afternoon pretty much free for the taking and I wanted to spend it with the family. Because well, I like doing that.
And it wasn't really anyone's fault that we were massively indecisive and unclear of the would-be plans.

It's just that being clear and honest ended up with finding out that sometimes, for some people, it's a case of all or nothing. And that there are just some who don't like feeling like all they've got are snippets of time.
It's not anyone's fault to be honest, some people can deal with that and some people can't. I suppose it's just unfortunate that that basically means that sometimes all you've got to give someone, isn't enough and won't ever be.
But it's not like you can force it down people's throats and have it be enough for them.
Have yourself be enough for them. You can't.

So you just write about it instead,
And wish you were

tout à vous

I realized I've barely blogged since coming back from Hong Kong.
It's frightfully odd that, considering how much I write.
All these techhy things these days! Kym, he doesn't give me a reason to turn Kirsten on anymore!
(Don't I just make the loveliest excuses! hehe)

This was sunset at Tampines on Tuesday, with Vicky, as we raced off after watching Sex in the City 2.
It was, I'll have you know, my very first time watching Sex in the City, but I quite liked it and it wasn't as frivolous or as chick-flick-ish as I thought it'd be. Best of all, it was not cheesy.
It wasn't like, lovers splitting up and ending up together and what not.
It was just pure, laugh out loud, stupid, touching, bits and pieces, OMG-BABE-THAT-IS-SO-US-moments. Oddly enough, I found myself talking a bit during the movie.
AND I HATE TALKING IN THE THEATRE. AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO TALK.
But it was thaaat funny.
And i applauded like crazy when whatsherface (I don't even remember any names!) found herself in a crowd of religious men with her broken handbag and it's scattered contents of lots and lots and LOTS of condoms.
madness.


My days, they've been going quite nicely. It's been about a week and a half since I've been back and it's quite marvellous really.
I've tidied up the room, and finally, after fuck-long, I've moved the bed back to where it used to be. Where it was supposed to be.
Where it's always meant to be(:

I've got a new addition to my room too!
And because sometimes it's not nice to just go on and on and on and ooooon about well,
all the lovely things that happen in life, I will keep quiet for a bit(:

mmmm(:
These nineteen bottles do not include the six mommy bought the week before(:
Each wine cooler holds 12 bottles.
I've got a stash in my room and mommy will have her wine cooler outside once the kitchen decided to magically give birth to elves that will help us clean up the place(:


I've had lovely catch-up time with Vee (although I wouldn't mind some more, honestly), a movie, a tiny bit of water time, beanbag & parquet floor + chess -time, family dinners (and two nights in a row too! :) ), pool time with Vee and Tanny, hobo-breakfast time which I find I have missed immensely and a bit of cuddle-time.
So all's been quite well, and I haven't minded it one bit really.
Despite having some of my 12-year-old ah lian language being read and all. Oh the horror!
Suffice to say, Charis Vera Ng has been quite, quite happy indeed!
(:







and so,
there's been a few things we've been talking about of recent.
I've liked it, enjoyed it,
appreciated it- I think that's the best word I can come up with.
It's stirred up a couple of things I'd forgotten about or hadn't realized. Made me put to words, things I'd just mentally nodded my head at a few years back. And it's been nice.
The randomness of what we talk about, and then the unexpected depth (not because we're shallow but because sometimes you don't see it becoming so thinky-thinky) that's come with it all.

I realize that there's just so many things we seem able to talk about that it's incredibly refreshing.
Not only because we get to talk about the oddest, simplest, strangest things, but also because I find that I really like listening to all of it, and I also feel like the person on the receiving end of my natter isn't just about dying. It's nice because I can say something completely random and considerably weird/strange and not just have someone go,
"oookayyyyy."

I like it, I really do.

It's a shame, an impossibly huge shame at that, about the months that will swing round the corner and then eventully see me off.
But I'm not entirely a huge fan of being super thinky-thinky at three in the morning,
so I will take my leave-






and smile at the traces of you that you've left behind

Hello Thursday, you rolled around quick no?

So I spent my Thursday afternoon with my clubbing girlfriend who's back in town for a month!

It was terribly funny actually, because I was secretly thinking "I love her to bits, and I wouldn't mind clubbing with her but then, how do i tell her that i'm kind of uhm, not super into clubbing?"
And then it turns out that she felt exactly the same way.
So we were both like,
"OMG, WE ARE SOOO OLD!" and then proceeded to burst into laughter.

So I took her to Freshly Baked, where we had gorgeous Cinnamon bread. Never disappoints(:
Is love!
And over lunch I learnt so much about the recent North-South Korea thing, and China and what not. Not half bad hey, and just over lunch!

And here's what I realized today!
It's the very first time, in the five years that we've known each other, that we've been out together in the day. And not just been out together in the day, but like, not have any booze in our system at all! Nada, zilch!
HOW BIZARRE DON'T YOU THINK?! IT'S MADNESS!
hahaha.

So anyhoooos,
lovely catching up and I think we're going to slowly shift from being clubbing girlfriends to dessert girlfriends and it sounds positively delish, that thought!
hehe.

Uniform party next week!
I'll have details up in justttt a tick, promise!
CAN'T WAIT! I AM SOOO EXCITED!
(:




And tomorrow, some very very special friends on board Singapore Airlines (and not all on the same flight) will be pulling right into Singapore(:
So I hope the weekend turns out as promising as it looks.

in secret, between the shadow and the soul

How, do I deal with real life
Now she's laced, entwined
Making me feel feelings
I thought that weren't mine



I wish I could find the words to tell you, without feeling like I'd have to take them back,
without fretting about the mess I'd make,
without feeling like a daft prick.



But I've put myself out there now,
haven't I?
So I'll just have to try to breathe.

some of the things that made me smile this wednesday

okay so this just made me frikkin' laugh out loud today.
like, what in the world!
^^


I woke up thinking to myself,
"I deserve to do something for me!" So, having not gotten over my taste for HK-nomnoms (when will I ever, really?), I decided to go steam myself some 奶黃包s (i think that's the word for it). Some custard-y bao thing basically. And yes, I didn't chuck it into the microwave even though that would've taken one-eighth of the time and been infinitely easier.
Nonono!
Charis Vera Ng does not do things by half, she'll have you know!


Sooo I properly steamed my little custard baos.
During which,
I received a phonecall.


and that phonecall pretty much just made the rest of my day(:

strawbs

I don't talk about them a lot.
Or how much they mean to me because of everything that I associate with it.
Well, now you know.


Everything that is real, that I love, that is close to my heart-


And hearts, like strawberries,
bruise easily.




so, what happens if I'm in love with you?

One of those off days

Irvine, December 2008
110mm film


I feel quite out of sorts today.
Like I've spent the (few) hours that I've been awake wading around in quicksand or something of the like. My thoughts are a murky mess, my body lethargic, my mood swinging in random directions being anything from irritable to just-about-ready-to-cry.

It's actually quite bizarre.
So much so that I even found myself having to take a deep breath and tell myself, "You're an actress Charis, dinner won't even be a sitch!" and then I skipped along, beaming.
Except.
That sort of ran out on me a few minutes in and I found myself actively declining to join mommy and her friends for dinner.

-------------------------

edit//

SO

The family and I ordered Dominoes for dins, opened up a bottle of beer and sat down to watch Sword in the Stone.
My word, the memories came rushing back at me and I was just in absolute hysterics over the silliest things.
It was fantastically lovely and such a simple, simple thing, it cheered me right up.

I'm doing a lot better now,
a lot more smiley and texting a very cute girl who's out of town at the moment.

And I find myself thinking,
I quite like evenings like this(:

No can do!

It wouldn't have sat well with me, my last pre-holiday post being about something godawfully frivolous!


So i'm hours away from check in.
Just a couple.
A more pressing issue is work that starts in an hour! We're grading them already and I hope today wraps up nicely. I hope they can do it. I hope they'll be okay.


I have not slept.
I haven't slept since last night and my brain feels like it's going to explode out of its skull right now and my body is behaving the way it does at half four in the morning, when you're up too early.

'tis okay though, I will catch up on sleep on the plane ride.
^^

So everything's more or less set, just the way I like it.
I hope the stuff that'll come in from work won't be too overwhelming and I can just hand it all over in a lovely neat folder like I've pictured in my head.

Aside from that, need to do last minute dashes here and there, pray really hard we get to finish class on time today.
And uhm, well, breathe.

Sounds easy enough no?

Hong Kong and Omnomnomagons, HERE I COMEEEEEEEE<3






So I was thinking, I'll pop by in just a bit?(:

Oh, for the love of hair!

SO around this time last year,
I liked how my hair looked very much. And random people would tell me my hair was nice^^
Which was kinda cool but then, even though I looooved it, I was also sorta bored.
And I hate that I always get super fidgety with my hair. I've never been able to sit still with it for ages. Even if I'm really happy with it, I'd have this urge to go do something with it.
And not just trim and wash it. Like do something with it.
It's awful.

So after my soft straight hair got boring,


and the pink faded out (this was me going to Tioman and not realizing that sun and sea would damage fantastically back-breaking hairdye jobs!) -
The Little Creature said she liked the idea of curls with fringe.

I like fringe, I do.
But curls. hmm.
I've always had slightly wavy hair which I'd ALWAYS wanted to be straight.
But well, I was dying for a change and The Little Creature's idea didn't seem half bad.

PLUS,
I decided to make this deliberate effort to look Chinky.

So I dyed my hair black and went to Jessie's in September!


Where I got curls to complete my chinky look.
I didn't really mind it, once it softened and weighed itself out a bit.

And my hair being my hair, it's super thick so I didn't have to put up with tiny tight curls for like, forever. Thank God.

So by year end, my hair weighed out and kinda looked like this

And then January came rolling around,
bringing friends from aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over the place and resulting in a super messed up body alarm for the next few months(:

So my hair has her moods, clearly.
These next two pictures were taken a couple of days apart from each other.


My hair in this one's semi-straight.
Just kinda wavy, y'know.
And then a few days later it's looking like this.

I've never minded my hair this entire time that it's been growing out though.
I guess it's because it's not too boring.
She has her moods and I'm generally okay with putting up with her moods.

That and I guess I really have been super busy.

SO.
Since that hair perm back in September, I haven't been to Jessie's at aaaaaaaaall.
And my hair grew and grew, dead/dying bits and all.

Then FINALLY,
I went by today.
Just for a trim and a wash basically.

But Jessie did a bit of layering.
She's and Samsul are the only people in the world I'd trust with my hair. They're the only ones who can tell me to close my eyes and wait for the surprise and I'd just completely trust them and leave my hair in their hands. hahaha.


Jessie's mighty pleased at the length, and I am just comfy with what I have.
So here's me, from this afternoon (excuse the need for camwhoring!)


TA DAHHHH,
you likey?

Do I look all fresh and bouncy and ready to promote the next bottle of shampoo you chuck at me?!
hmmmm?
MIAOW!

I likey. I likey a lot.


Okay, I'm frikking falling asleep here. It's terrible.
I haven't packed for Hong Kong but I somehow thought it important to sit down and type to you about how my hair has changed in the last year or so.

What?
Charis, are you fer rel! ugh.

I will end the ditzy talk now and do something constructive.

g'night furry kitties!
xoxo

Kym's First Sunset

So Kym took this while we had an evening blade-about yesterday (Monday I mean. I'm aware I'm writing on a Wednesday now).
It was the prettiest thing, more so in real life but I'm sure that has something to do with the shades that Umi bought me for my birthday. They have a tendency of making colors look more intense, saturated, somehow. It's lovely, looking at the world through those shades.
It's almost as if Umi handed me my birthday present(s) - the clutch with everything inside- had me pull out the white earrings and chunky necklace to match the clutch and then the shades, not just to match it but so that everyone else who wouldn't have my pretty presents to wear would still look pretty.
hehe.
Aren't I self-absorbed.
You must ask to look through those shades if you get the chance.
It really does make things prettier; The world and its sunsets, glistening waters, post-rain skies. Already beautiful things are made more beautiful and random miss-able stuff are made noticeable.

I need to pack.
I haven't started.
And I'm excited about the prospect of starting to pack,
except.I'm.not.doing.it.
yet.

I had an incredibly late lunch with Diana this afternoon at three frikkin' thirty (how did we even last that long babe?!) and we nomnom-ed on theee loveliest things.
We had a lovely chat, while the rain poured on the empty streets of Somerset and we nursed mugs of warm water and talked about fantastically romantic ideas.
Some nice, most just simply, terrifying. For myself at least.
I worry a bit about her.
All these things seem to find their way back to a lot of pain and immense self-loathing.

Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, it isn't.
It's not all sunshine and daisies, that's for certain,
but it shouldn't have to hurt so much.
Mommy told me that once, and I couldn't find anything to say to that.
She could've come up with a world of reasons for that first relationship I was in, especially when it was on the rocks, way before that random night in March. She could've attacked him, as a person, or the fundamental flaws that a lot of our relationship was built on.
She could even have thrown the bible and all the Christian values at me, which she did every so often.

But she didn't that night.
She found me, crying quietly. Not even bawling. Not rocking back and forth, I don't think. Just sitting and crying.
And she said,
"Baby, love isn't supposed to hurt like this. It isn't supposed to hurt this much."
But because I couldn't see the forest through the trees, I just thought,
"If I shouldn't be hurting or feeling this way, then what am I doing wrong?"
I'll always remember what she said to me. I think it's the best piece of advice she's given me my whole life.

And I've found myself saying the same thing to other people too, when it made sense that is-
Dawn, when I could hear her crying through my bedroom door and through hers. When it felt like I might cry for her as well.

Because yes, there's always the odd tiff now and then, the clash of opinions.
But it isn't supposed to be
so
painful.

And as I grew to understand that, things just started making more sense.
How can someone possibly say they love you and then rip you into absolute shreds moments later?
How can someone say they love and then call you a slut, or tell you that you won't ever be a successful actress or that you're being such a child for not wanting to be like the rest of the world?
How can someone say they love you and then take all that's left of you when you barely had any left for yourself anymore?

But well, knowledge doesn't cushion your fall very much.
And sometimes we need to make our own mistakes so that we understand it the way we need to and have to.
In any case, I always believe it'll be a story for the grandkids and the electric fireplace.

That aside, I enjoyed myself today,
and post late-lunch/early dinner thingum saw me heading for Holland V while Diana went off for work.
Went to Diana King's and had some me-time, which I liked very much.
I've had a bit of me-time today, the first dose being my blade-about.
Is love!(:



So I rang T today, and it was nice; We enjoyed (relative) alone-time over coffee/green tea frappe together (i think the oxymoron of this is funny, so I keep saying it. haha), while having a wee bit of space in between.
I just hope I don't rack up some kind of insane phone bill for her:/ I'd feel absolutely horrid. Gah!
She sounded happy on the phone today. It's very nice when she sounds like that, it's a bit infectious really.


It's half past three in the morning now, when I started at half past one.
I don't suppose I'll get much packing done,
and there is work tomorrow.
mmm(:
I have missed work.
I have missed work immensely.


I will go stare at plane tickets that won't take me anywhere now.
Goodnight furry people!

My slightly different Tuesday mornings

So with the little ones stuck in Mid Years for the last couple of weeks, I've found myself incredibly free-ed up. I was quite unprepared for it actually, so I'm awfully sorry if I didn't bound up to you and go "HEY LET'S HANG OUT."
It's kinda been more like,
Mommy: baby, what's your schedule like?
Me: Busy, really busy. It's (insert random day of the week) isn't it? Oh God.
Mommy: Okay well what time's your first class?
Me: OH MY WORD! *sits up in bed* WHAT TIME'S MY FIRST CLASS?
Oh, hey wait. uhm. I don't think I've got a first class today after all.


The June hols are round the corner now, and that means...
Actually I'm not entirely sure what that means for me. Lots of sun and sea, preferably and a massive amount of catching up with studies.
Ugh, the streets will be an overwhelming mass of giggly excitable ones, trying on black eyeliner for the first time and trying not to stab themselves with it in the process. I might spend most of June studying indoors or playing chess or even monopoly deal.

SO
this Tuesday morning, I went blading. Again. I've been blading for three days in a row now. hmm, I likey very much.

Ah! Fresh air, the wind in your hair and all that jazz.
This is where Mommy works actually. I love blading there because I love blading on roads, I can't quite stand pavements. And well, it's really safe. Especially in comparison with my 2am race through the empty streets only to be ambushed by sudden bouts of very-awake drivers shooting me dirty looks.

It was a gorgeous hour and a half today and I'm mighty pleased because I wandered into a new area which was quite scenic. So yes, I was a bit lost there, but I don't think it counts as getting lost if the route is scenic and you don't quite mind being in that area for a while more.

I'm heading off to Hong Kong this Thursday and I'm quite, quite excited about it.
I haven't fully made up my mind yet, in regards to a bbm conversation between Bird and I. It's tempting, and I cannot seem to just drop the idea as yet.
rawr.

But anyhoos, Hong Kong this Thursday, so I'd best get to packing and such.
My room as well as for the trip. And possibly another trip.
hmm.

My hair's a tad too light (in terms of colour) for my liking right now. Which is incredibly odd since I just went back to what I used last time, having liked it so much.
Mommy's friend figures it might be the change in skin colour.
Brilliant.
I hope I don't look too odd now. Let's see what Jessie says tomorrow and if she'd like to fix it, she can be my guest. S'long as she doesn't plan on chopping off my hair, I'm good with whatever she'd like to do. I quite like this long hair thing going on.
Tania's hair length is a nice length. (:

I digress!
Although, I cannot quite remember from what, to begin with!
Oh this madness, haha.

Lunch will be with Diana in a half hour (uh oh. Charis, do something about your bloody time-keeping will you? Good Lord!)
and I'm quite looking forward to it. I've got a little something for her that I hope she'll like.


'til later darlings!
ta!

a mass of words; scribbled, screamed, regurgitated,

thought of, thought out, breathed, taken in


Often times we say certain things because it's easier;
because listening to the spaces in between words would prove more difficult.
because sometimes, there's nothing else to say.




I miss you, for instance-
I'd smile if anyone told me that, if only just a bit. And I think, more often than we'd like to admit, when you've said it to someone once, it just gets easier and easier to say it everytime.
At the end of a text, let's say,
or after you've finished an activity that didn't involve that other person.
Whether or not you really meant it is an entirely different story.


I'm not saying anyone's been lying or anything,
it's just occurred to me that sometimes people don't really mean all the things they say.

I think I figured this out a few years back. Like, I stopped myself and thought, "Wait a minute, why am I saying Miss You when I don't? Not really anyway." And then I thought for ages about a term that would more aptly describe how I felt or what was on my mind.
And I just started thinking about it again, randomly, some time this evening.
I remember Alastair went off to Perth for like three weeks or something, and well yes, I did think about him and we'd text all of twice during the day or something,
but I distinctly remember enjoying the time I had to myself.

I mean of course I thought about him, and I'm not saying I didn't miss him at all, I did. But just not like, all the time. Because I had errands to run (a lot of it was getting his christmas present sorted anyways. haha) and I liked being able to do that at my own pace, in my own space. I liked being able to do it at all.
And I remember being particularly relieved that he wasn't around because I wouldn't have been able to lie well enough about my whereabouts and then he'd just end up finding out about his own present.
So I don't know why I'd scrawl it all over the place, every chance I got. Things about missing him and just generally sounding like I could not bloody function in his absence.
It's funny, I think.

But anyhoos,
post-realization has always had me thinking about what I say or type, and being sure I don't say things just for the heck of it.

Sometimes I think if you say things a tad too often, its meaning somewhat diminishes,
or is less so of what it is, if you see what I mean.
And I Miss Yous are very overused I find, which is kind of sad.
But then, so are I Love Yous.
Especially once you've gotten past the initial "Omg, I'm using the word Love."

I think it's a bit of a shame really,
That sometimes people get so used to saying things, or it slips out so thoughtlessly, becoming a replacement for "Goodnight" or "Goodbye" or just other simpler words/phrases that don't mean any less.
I wouldn't like to do that, I wouldn't.


Talk is cheap, we all know that.
But I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, there're things one can say (and truly mean) that'll have another believing.
Because ILoveYous and IMissYous weren't meant for decorative purposes you know.




On the other hand, sometimes you can mean what you say with every bit of you
and then hide behind the screen of overused, i'm-just-saying-this-cos-there's-nothing-else-to-say phrases and words.
Because sometimes that's a little bit easier than feeling like you're out in public when you've forgotten to put on your knickers under that super flowy dress.

This is my falling ash, from an unfinished cigarette

V: omg babe, it's gonna get sooooo messy.
C: i know. Haha.
V: but s'long as you're happy now y'know. Just...
C: i am. very.
V: you make me feel all romantic again man.





wrote a letter which i threw away
Couldn't
Find the words to tell you what i had to say

draíochta-

And oh,
I do feel silly, thinking things like that.

But then I think, sometimes,
just sometimes, you couldn't possibly be anything else.













"This is it. It's going to be gone soon."
"I know."
"What do we do?"
"Enjoy it."
-- Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, an excerpt.

what is the one thing(only one mind you) you love the most above all ?

The God-given ability to feel so fully, so immensely, so intensely and with such childlike abandonement sometimes- for people, for things and for Him.

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

What will you be if you aren't all the things you are?

Smokes and Vanities, my dear.
I might still be stuck in school, wondering why I feel so restless, but never finding it in myself to get out of my seat and start looking for things that might actually make me happy or satisfied.
I would be smokes & vanities, which is to say,
absolutely nothing(:

I can't promise I won't lie, but I'll give you a good something to read(:

The orange glow out of tiny windows

Quiet nights like these,
they remind me of San Francisco.

With its chilly winter air, my freezing hands stuffed into my Berkeley sweatshirt,
and alternating between smoking cognac cigar-ettes and the pack of marlbaro ice I'd brought over from Singapore.
The calm and peace, settled over the city,
"Happy New Year!" being called out randomly by strangers and us yelling back in response.
Hot chocolate and asking to sit outside, when it was just, absolutely freezing out.

The feel of sitting outside the hotel, by myself, taking in everything, in all its brilliance.


mmmmm,
Frisco.
Every night should be like the ones you gave me, or at least close to.

I will go to sleep tonight,
and have Soon After Christmas playing on repeat.


and in the quiet shadows of the early morn,
wake to find us tangled, laced,
and the sound of your sleepy smile as i run my nose down your jawline.

There are first times for everything, no?

Sooooo,
Monday evening, I showered and jumped into something super comfy and then went for a walk in the park.
It had been quite a lovely Monday, come to think of it. I had a delish breakfast in the morning, and the conversation, although it veered to generally untalked-about-topics, was good. And I mean, we can't keep leaving the future-us to deal with stuff all the time now can we?

The afternoon had me rested up while a friend of mine got daddy-time and her iphone! She was mighty pleased, and I always like when my friends are happy. It makes me smile(:
Speaking of which, Vee's finally going to get herself a new cellphone. She has a habit of using her phones until they are literally held together by a dying wire. And I mean LITERALLY.

I had dins in town with the family, and we were all geared up to get our new cellphones when my insides decided to go all weirdo on me. I kinda half thought it'd be something that would pass, except it didn't. It escalated and was just unimaginably unbearable. I've repeated this quite a bit this week (omg it's wednesday already?!), so I won't go on to be super descriptive about the rollar coaster ride my intestines were on.

Long story short,
I ended up in the A&E Monday night, waiting absolute ages to see the doctor. Then I got chucked into the observation ward twice over, spending the night and then got chucked into the EDTU Ward. I still have no idea what that stands for, but I basically had to be kept there for 23 hours, in case it was appendicitis.
I met a couple of doctors who were quite lovely, and some less-than-interested nurses and some who just could hardly hold a proper conversation with either of my parents.

Honestly, I've always secretly wanted to be in hospital.
I figure, it's never looked all that bad, and then you get visitors, sleep, a cool bed, meals served to you and full rights to stay in bed all day reading.
Then I thought, Oh My Word, twenty-three hours? Whaaaaa...t?
And I thought i'd be restless as hell and fidgety and all that, but I wasn't.

The entire stay wasn't half bad, really.
The food was decent, I liked sleeping, the bed was kinda cool and my visitors were all just absolute darlings and constantly feeding my face!
Erika came by with Jafa Vienese(i think?) and my, weren't they yummy! And then Vicky and Victor brought this case of baby macarons and I was just absolutely in looooooove, And then I just kept stealing Vee's cornflaky chocolate thingum which was almost as nice as she was. Then daddy came by a second time, after his meeting with chocolate/cheese/tuna-filled chubcakes from that jollybean shop. And I've always loved chocolate chubcakes.
And then this morning mommy brought Reese's and Daddy came by with more chubcakes and
MY WORD!
I HAVE BEEN STUFFED TO THE HILT!
The healthiest visitors I've had were Uncle LyeHeng and Aunty Susan who came by and filled me up with prayers instead. And very filled I was indeed!

hahahaha.

So aside from that ever-present pain I was having that never quite went away, lots of needles and an earful of coughing fits from the asthmatic lady in the cubicle across from mine, my stay was pretty decent.
It wasn't the regular ward, with rows and rows of beds and people an arm's length away from you. Naw, it was smaller, better-spaced out ward and I always had my curtains drawn.
I wrote some, and I was on Facebook a bit, but I didn't read at all.
Unless you count a few pages of the Sherlock Holmes that Erika came by with. Except we sort of gave up on that by the fourth page I think.

Not half bad, me thinks, for a first time hospital-stay.
But I suppose if I'd have had to stay ages longer, I might've gotten fidgety. I wasn't allowed to leave the ward at all you see, so my only movement was climbing out of bed, shuffling ten steps to the gross-smelling loo and then shuffling back and climbing into bed again.

All is good now, well, more or less. It's not appendicitis as you can see, and no we don't know what it is or what caused that unbearable pain on Monday night, but I figure it'll right itself and if it doesn't then I'll eventually see myself having another visit where we will finally figure out what's up.
Thank you for the prayers, and the well wishes, and the texts and phonecalls.
I'm better, just super dopey is all.

Bird called the moment she knew, Tuesday morning- and it made me smile, her calling from so far away. And I was thinking,
"My, what drama! She leaves and then I end up in the A&E, what's up with thaaaaaat!"
So I filled her in on details, and by then I was capable of walking about slowly without anyone's help. It was nice, talking to her. I just thought it was a shame that the first phonecall with her started off about being in the hospital. haha.
She says it's cold, even though she's indoors. But I'd rather be cold and bundled up than warm and stuffy and trying desperately to take off more clothes and not feeling any better.(:
She sounds comfy and happy, and for that I am happy too. Very much so in fact!
And it's nice knowing that I'm always being looked out for(:

I think the oddest part about being home right now is how I didn't expect to be away from it for so long. I still have an unwashed plate on my table, for crying out loud. And that's really saying something because in the very least, I'd have put my dirty dishes in the sink before leaving home, unless I expected to be back within the next two, three hours.
So yes.
I am home, and very dopey and I would like to crawl into bed now.

Erika's flown off already, and I do hope she has the loveliest time while she's in Hong Kong.
I hope she doesn't get lost and that she'll have fun with Urs, even when they do get lost!
I don't think people'll be very keen on jumping out at them considering they'll be carrying around "odd shaped items" in the form of whips.

Vicky and Victor will be off to Aussie to visit Dory this Friday. Well, Thursday more like. It's a conspiracy, this is, to leave me here to mope! RAWR.
So I'll spend most of the night with them on Thursday before they amble off for fucktastic weather.

I'm pretty stoked about going off myself. I haven't been to HK in the summer, so this will be a first for me.
And I am absolutely dying to meet up with Peggy and if possible, Ken and my Godma and all. I never know when I'll next see them, so meeting up with them when I can is pretty something. And I'm looking forward to that.
There's the food too, my word, the food! It's madness.

It'll be a fantastic trip, and if I do all the things I need to do before leaving, then it'll be a very well-earned trip. Which will make the trip itself much better.
So I have things to do now,
and we'll start by sleeping off this dopey-ness first shall we?
Mymy.
(: