so courage, teach me to be shy

Cannonball - Damien Rice


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

--------------

It's been a long week.

Three different types of cereal sit on my microwave, my toilet was (until ten minutes ago and my mother's awesomeness) clogged up, and Heather has decided that she cannot connect to the internet. Buttons got her first bath in a week and a half, I learnt that unless I bring lots of tissue, I cannot watch the Bec & Ross show, Enqing bought me replacement-sunglasses (which I STILL feel he shouldn't have! but thanks a mil though:)), and six different classes got graded on their 10-minute plays.

When I first started out, I thought my grading was a bit too strict and rather unreasonable. So I eased up and then I realized that this time round, I've been quite lenient.
Anyway, found the time to pop by the Esplanade Waterfront for Bec & Ross. It was riveting, and utterly fantastic. Vicky, Bird and Ilona dropped by and were just fantastic company, so it was nice to know that they loved the show too(:

Today was a gorgeous end to the weekend and I loved every bit of it.
Buttons is thoroughly tired out from running around the worship team while they sang and I think Victor might've gotten a couple of bruises. (I feel really awful about that! )): )

So a new week's up, and hopefully it'll be a lot better than the last and hopefully, I'll be able to live through it to tell you if it is.


falafels!

me too.
But I'm trying to remember which one came first.

Αύγουστος'

This is what I learnt today:
There are 36,360 inches in a mile
You don't have to keep filling up your time
August is the month with the highest number of births
August, in Finnish, is called elokuu, meaning "month of reaping" or literally, "month of life"

Here's what I already knew:
Elephants can smell fermented fruit from miles away, and most elephant stampedes are caused by drunk elephants
Minnows have teeth in their throats
Kermit the frog is left-handed
Toilets flush in the key of E-minor
August is beautiful
and Mothers aren't just the people who give birth to you, they're the people you want to grow up to be

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated with myself today.
I was happy, then I wasn't. I was indecisive. I gave in to being tired and grotesque.

I could tell you random things though.
Like how I've finished reading Jodi Picoult's Handle With Care and how she's the only one who can make me cry within the first two pags.
Or how my baby girl has gone half mad for some reason or the other and is determined to have us lose our sanity.
Or how my gums ache and hurt because they're bruised in the two places where my toothbrush slipped.
Or how, after everything, I just feel. drained.
Drained and tired.

The whole train-ride home, all I wanted to do was curl up on my tiny bed and cry.
It's been a while,
but I need a hole to crawl into now.

And holes are always nice

Meet Buttons <3 and another daily rant about how I shouldn't rant.

Showing off her adorable little bikini
My little poseur!

"Mommy, whatcha doingggg?"

She was a wee bit hyper in the middle of the day. It was alright until she started jumping at my pens and mauling everything while I sat down to get some work done.
So I told her off and gave her ten seconds to get her act together, after which she curled up and promptly fell asleep.

It's been a pretty uneventful day although I must say that I certainly am quite happy with the amount of work I've done.
For starters, I got my pudgy, untanned bottom off my bed where I've been watching endless episodes of How I Met Your Mother (and finished Season one, mind you!) and I settled to get started on my modules for that degree I never talk about until asked.

It's been less motivating since I've thought about the one module that I HAVE TO TAKE (Computer and System Administrations or something) and which all my cousins say you have to sit through. And although I said I might just pay Victor to help me do it all, I realized that I'd still have to go down to take my exams. Bloody Hell.
Also, I decided to stay an extra year in Singapore because I really am that in love with my company and my job.

So all in all, between looking after my baby and watching TV series on a burnt disc (Kudos to Enqing!) and buying more Jodi Picoult books (amongst others) to excuse myself from school work,
nothing's been done for about, lemme see, By Golly, two months!

Fortunately it's a Public Speaking Module.
Which, although very very VERY dry and factual, will actually help me in my work.
For instance, did you know that most people suffer from Public Speaking Apprehension? And on top of that, 15% in the US suffer from extreme cases.
Also, you can use nervousness to your advantage as long as you know how to handle it and yourself.

Also, quite an important point in public speaking, is listening.
So the last chapter that I just read up on, was all about listening.
We spend 41%-60% or more of our communication, listening.
However, only about 50% of that is understood and retained. And only 25% after 48 hours.
Sweet Jeebus, eh?

I've been at it from about two right up til five.
Of course, with decent breaks in between and Buttons sitting on my textbook to clean herself. (What the? yeah, I know)

Well, that's one assignment down and it's nice to know that I've got the time to sort out the rest.
Guess I'm going to pass on walking Homer today. Haven't really felt like it. But then, I didn't nap either.

So, I'm just going to stop here for my daily prattle about schedules that do not interest you in the least!

I was about to say "Hope everyone's March Hols have been fab!" Except there's just the handful of JC friends who probably spent half their hols studying and the other half partying WHILE worrying about how much more they've got to study.
It's funny how my holidays barely match up with anyone. But what's funnier is how I used to skip school like crazy because I couldn't be bothered to wake up, and here I am going to certain schools at 7.30am to teach.

"Our God is a very humourous God honey," Mommy always says.

So with the end of the term, there're a couple of schools left to wrap up.
The first one we've already wrapped up is CHIJ Kellock. My adorable bunch of seven year olds who always made me forget that I was prancing around at 7.45 in the morning.
I'll post vids and pictures up soon(: Promise.

Next up on the "To Wrap Up" list is Swiss Cottage. They aren't a bad bunch and they're really good, although their location is incredibly far from home.
It's quite sad, really. This week's our last lesson and it's the grading and review.

RVH wraps up next week. And I'll have to say byebye to a bunch of incredibly smart students. (omg, you seriously wouldn't believe).
ps: thanks for my early birthday present, Gina and Joanne!

Anyhoos, it's the start of a new week and it's back to work and school for most of us.
We're already into the second Sem, the end of the year doesn't feel all that far away.
On the definite up-side,
there's still half a million countries to go see this year! (okay, no, not really. But like at least two or three more for sure!)


all my love, hugs and strawberry kisses!

Buttons

So my baby girl is asleep in her new basket.
I'm such a proud mommy!
Grandma wanted to give baby a treat for peeing straight into the drainhole, unaware that she's been doing that for a while now.
She learnt it from watching the water travel straight out of the pipe and into the drain and proceeded to copy.
Now say Awwwwwwwwwwww


Buttons is an adorable little Mommy's girl. She wakes herself up from her nap just to sit outside and doze off outside the toilet while I'm taking a shower.
Then she follows me back to bed.
And, she waits til the middle of the night to snuggle up!

My baby girl's well on her way to growing up though, mind you!
She just dropped her first tooth!

(Clearly, I am very in love with her)

It's one of those days. again.

Birthday-Day

claaaaasic.
Thanks you, Enqing, who was the photog for this series of shots and who was adamant on not ever having a picture of him in glasses((:
eme: Sniff. Stop it Aunty Anne, you can never beat me at being unglamorous.
eme: omg, amateurs!
Yes this is in very random order. Cake cutting while they doze off. hahahah



Fantastic cake
and then victor morphed into a greyhound.

pictures of the picture-taker.
Well, one of them anyways!


see-taw-belleh
Vees.


It was a brilliant birthday for me, even though I didn't want it to be too much of a hoopla.
But mommy never lets it go by with anything less.
I loooooved my presents this year!
This entire little party at Luxury Living (a lovely place to drink but which you shouldn't get drunk at) was mommy's present.
The Little Creature pooled with V and Eme for my FUCKING GORGEOUS PINK CAT CARRIER. I need a pic of that asap.
IT IS FUCKING PRETTY, I SWEAR TO GOD!
Enqing MADE (yes, you read right, MADE) me a bracelet and matching earring set in my favourite colour, and a super duper cute card.
And Victor's present just got delivered today! It's a scratch post for Buttons! It's a perfectly adorable little thing in black and orange and just, incredibly pretty.
Buttons loves it. But I'm preeeetty sure I love it more. hahaha
And I'm quite sure i love the pink kitty-carrier more than she does!
Also, way before my birthday, my RVH students made me a card and got me a pair of earrings((:

All in all, I had the most brilliant birthday presents and our little affair was absolutely awesome.

Thank you to everyone who came, to those who helped out, to those who planned and pretended and called and said "OH SHIT" before hanging up. To everyone who sent well wishes and birthday greetings and prayers and called in to say hi, to anyone who thought of doing that but didn't and to Buttons for being a good girl in the morning(:

It was an utterly brilliant day and I loved every single bit of it.
Mommy was right though, the only way for me to keep her birthday present this year, is in an imaginary box in my brain(:

I'm happy with the couple of birthday presents I got myself (I know, right)
One of which includes my website (ahmahgad, thanks again Vic) and Buttons aaaaaaand...
Ma, meet Grace. Her name's pronounced Charis too.





PS: You're right Ann. haha
xoxo

Steinway Grands, so quiet and still

Love Theme (Piano) - Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack Vol 2

Ten years ago I had my first birthday where I had to celebrate it with one parent at a time.
My mother brought me to my classmate's place. She too was celebrating her birthday, except she lived in a big house with twinkling lights and both parents.
All my classmates were there and she had a big, lovely cake.

Mommy was an absolute darling. She too bought me a huge cake.
It was a 101 Dalmatian cartoon cake, with one of the puppies on the front. It was big enough to feed the forty kids, the adults and more.
The host/host's daughter had her cake brought out first of course. It wasn't as lovely as mine, I must say. Mine had a puppy on it.
Well they sang the songs, she blew out the candles and cut the cake.

Then my enormous cake was brought out and laid, in all its glory, on the table.
We stood around it and they all sang Happy Birthday.
I don't think I remembered, for that while, that it was my first birthday celebration with just one parent.
So the birthday song ended and, before I could even take a deep breath to blow out my candles, a fat girl beside me, also a classmate, promptly blew them out.
I looked up at mommy, teary eyed.
The adults thought it was funny.
"Oh isn't it funny! Aiyohh, ger ah ger, not your burfday lehh."

"Silly girl, don't cry now." Mommy told me, grabbing a lighter. "Mommy'll just relight it for you, then you can blow it out!"
She relit the candles and I distinctly remember throwing a sidelong glance at the fat girl. Lets call her A. I threw a glance at A, almost as if daring her to do it again, then I blew out my own candles.

But it was different. It's always different.
The second time round. I didn't get to properly blow out my own candles. It doesn't matter that they were relighted for me to blow out, I didn't get to blow them out the first time round.
She has her own birthday every year, her own candles to blow out, and Goddammit, both parents to stand around and smile lovingly.

So, no, I'm not over it.
We were classmates up until we were nine, and when we were thirteen, we were in the same class again. I don't hold grudges, I'm too lazy. But this was, is, one that I've never forgotten.

I don't know why I'm talking about it now. It feels very silly.
But it was something that affected me like a pms-ing bitch.

The host's domestic helps didn't think to keep the box of the cake, either.
And because they'd all dug into the first birthday cake, they hardly had space for mine.
So I couldn't bring it home, and mine was chucked.

It was nice, for a while. Because at least there was a party, although not my own.
Leaving my friend's huge house and walking out to the main road, was sort of like pulling me out of a dream. And I was suddenly very aware that the day wasn't going to last forever.

I went home to an angry father who was furious that he couldn't spend his daughter's birthday with her and he swore he'd never let my mother take me out again if she was always going to bring me back so late.
Daddy had left my birthday present on my table. And I opened it carefully. I was never one who ripped presents open. It was a music box in the shape of a grand piano. And it tinkled with Romeo & Juliet.

I thanked Daddy, said goodbye to Mommy and spent the rest of the night in my room.


It's not as far away as it sounds. A decade suddenly doesn't seem that long, and well, ten year marks bring their fair share of tears. When I was younger I went through a phase where I never cried. I just clenched my fists really hard, my nails digging into my palms until the pain numbed and left a ringing.

But I guess it's nice to learn now that I'm not too old to cry, or to hurt or to remember.

filling in the spaces

r


ahmahgad!
have i not blogged at all since I've been back?

Stupidly enough, I was just about to rant and rave about people who hardly ever update their blogs. What rubbish i say!
Then I went to my own blog (which i like to think i regularly update) and TADAH,
something from a million years ago.

So work's been awfully busy since I got back.
Having Buttons (yes that's her name now) is almost like really having a baby. (Dammit, can you imagine when I really DO have a kid? Christ!)
She catnaps, so she keeps waking up at random hours and starts attacking imaginary bits of hair that desperately try to escape her claws.
She does curl up with me at night though, and is a perfect angel. Save for her obsession with my hair and catching it, oblivious to scratching my face.

I've hardly had time to sit at the computer. Heather goes unused and untouched for days, save for Buttons sleeping on top of her because she's warm.
On the whole, I'm either too busy or too tired.
"You've no life cos of work," Bird says. Which is true, but I don't hate it and quite love it, actually.

So, my lovely excuse for the lack of blogging.
Bangkok was fantastic, save for them confiscating my liquids. This included my Victoria Secret Shaving cream. But c'mon, it's cream, not liquid! AND IT'S VICTORIA SECRET.
i swear to God, she just wanted to chuck it because I kicked up a fuss.

It's the first day of hols, and as it turns out, I didn't have to work!
Yay Me!
So I slept in til noon (and I haven't done that since I cannot remember) and spent the day watching How I Met Your Mother and kissing my baby girl at the end of every episode.
It was pouring today. Lovely lazy day.

My room's amazingly tidy, believe it or not. I've even managed to clear out my suitcase from LA!
My my my.

I've got a website in progress, thanks to Veeektor who slogs away while I tell people about the pretty website.
Well, I'm sitting here, with a bleeding headache and gastric and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.
Rather bored, you see.

And mind you, I'm never bored. I don't have time to be bored, and I don't like being bored.
It's quite funny actually.
You spend your days doing so many things that when you finally take a break, you fill it up with other non-work things that need to be done.
Well today's as much a rest as anyone can ask for I suppose.
and tomorrow too.
Tomorrow ought to be lovely, with my collection of new stuffs.
Not to mention my goooorgeous Oreo Cheescake birthday cake from bakerzin!

xoxo

i wub baby puddy tat!

So I've got a puddy tat, the most beautiful creature in the world.
Her name's Latte, because she's black (like black coffee) with swirls (yes i do mean swirls like someone painted her) of white (like cream).
She's about three and a half months old, at a guess, and she seems to have fallen in love with Justin, from what Vee's told me.

Yep, cos Vee's looking after my little girl this weekend.
I miss her already!):

Anyhoos, BKK in a couple of hours:D
yippeedoooo.
Happiness-muchhhhhh!

PS: Thank you so so so SO SO much Vicky! I apologize in advance for the bending-over and possible poop-cleaning:/
I will bring you presents from my magical place, promise!
Love you to bits.

Four days three nights of shopping, eating and bumming around. What's not to love?((:

i fleety flit, I fly

I'm very floaty, very write-y.
I cannot put it all down into words that mean what I want it to mean.
Stories begin and then find themselves an end, and I stare at it, wondering how it got there.
I am very floaty, very write-y.
And this golden rose, it stares back quietly.
I do not even know how to begin.

----

It's funny, seeing all them different lives that you are no longer a part of anymore.
There is relief, that tinge of 'that-never-happened-to-me-ness', wonder, but relief, most of all.

We dig through our rubbish, once in a while. That ever-present pile that we never bloody seem to throw out. And they make for bloody good laughs, I'll tell you that.
You realize the utter stupidity, the games and the continuous mind-fucking that you called love.
We've come quite a bit of a way.

----

"Well I, for one, never cared for games anyway."
"And what if you did?"
"But I didn't."

The goldfish and all her world

"You're all the world to me," she whispers, pressed close to the glass that separates us. I reach up, pressing my index finger against where her nose rests. I cannot find the words to tell her that I won't be, in thirty seconds.
I cannot tell her.

"My, and that's a big, big world." I say, smiling at her. Hoping, that she would believe as much as I don't. She smiles back, and blows me a kiss.

And all but thirty seconds after she says those precious words, she darts away from the glass she was pressed against, and I become another vague shadow, standing over her world, crying.

(C)

dial tones, they still make me sad.

deja vu

So the problem, i've found out, while writing heaps and bawling and being a frightful mess,
is that I still remember.
And the bits of right now, although not all that frequent, brings back this horrible memory that still has me clutching my people and squeezing my eyes shut.

But the thing is, it's not your fault.
It really isn't.
It's just familiar, that's all. And that's why it hurts.

Because sometimes (just a handful of times, times that you can count with your fingers),
it feels like I'm back where I didn't want to be.
And I won't ever be ready to go back there.

BUGGER ALL.

For Chrissakes, I cannot stand being put on hold for fifteen fucking minutes!
And all because I needed to speak to someone at the ICA building to save an entire fucking trip down.
It's fine if i know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm afraid I don't.

Anyways, I lodged a complaint.
Go on, have a read:

To start off with, the information I needed couldn't be found on the website, and so making a call was necessary in order to avoid a waste of a trip down to the ICA.

I rang up the "24 hour service hotline". I apologize if I sound irate but it seems impossible that a 24 hour service hotline can be engaged or completely unavailable for two hours straight. I called once every ten, fifteen minutes for an hour and a half before the phone actually rang. Thereafter I requested to speak to a customer service officer.
Believe it or not, I have been put on hold for a full twenty minutes, just waiting to speak with a human being. Of course, this twenty minutes has been punctuated with someone telling me to either keep holding on or call back later. However, considering how long it took before the phone was not engaged, and I was able to get through to something albeit a machine, I'm not keen on hanging up just yet.

I am desperate to speak with someone in person with regards to sorting out my passport since its renewal (I'm not a citizen, you see). I have no idea what steps to take and it would have been an otherwise easy task, as soon as I can speak to someone.

I'd understand fully if this was the lunch hour but I don't see how all your customer service officers can be busy from 1pm - 3pm, due to "high call volume". It seems quite unbelievable I must say.

Now, considering the time, and that the ICA building closes in two hours and I need to get my things sorted out by today, I will now have to make a trip down.

Please sort out some kind of system that allows us to speak to a real person in the case that we do need to. Robots, apparently, don't understand when we speak into the mouthpiece. I think it has something to do with the fact that they have no ears and therefore, cannot hear.

The rabbit did smell good though. at least there's that!

I swear, there are just so many things that I'm looking forward to right now.
And I don't just mean the trip to Bangkok (omgomg! like one weekend left!)

I mean like, for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I'm worried that I spend so much time dreaming that I'm not quite doing stuff. It's rather awful if you think about it.
Anyhow, have been looking through pictures.
Lots of people have changed so much.

You know how you can see people changing and you don't think it's happening to you, but it actually is. I find that rather funny.
Cos we do the whole, "oh my, you've changed so much."
and everyone could say the same thing about you.

I'm in a fantastically good mood right now, because I forced myself out of bed at my usual time, despite my morning grumps. I had my coffee and breakfast, morning news with some new girl on the primetime morning show. Think she's sitting in for the girl, and I got to see Donna on TV, talking about her art work.
Then I read the paper which I bought on Saturday, which I realized, doesn't do much good in keeping me updated. The stories are lovely though. Well, except for the guy who's waiting for his comatose wife to wake up. She got hit by a truck thirty minutes before her wedding.

I wonder if all my planning for the future will turn out to be absolute rubbish because I'll get run over by a truck and have people left with one worry. That worry being,
Gee, if she couldn't fit into that dress when she was alive, how do we fit her in now that she's flattened out and has her brains on the sidewalk?
How morbid for a lovely day. hehe.
Enough!

There's a tonne to do.
For starters, I should bloody get started on clearing my room.
I hate coming home after holidays to a fright of a mess.
Clearly I don't notice that very much right now because work is never a holiday.

Victor and I bought TLC's sweet sixteen present yesterday! I was soooo terribly excited, and since she really didn't mind, I gave it to her (four days in advance, yes).
It's a prime lens and I'm not going to explain how it works because I've sounded like enough of a doofus the whole time I was trying to get it.
For example, while being smart and deciding to ask questions without Victor:
" 'Scuse me sir, I was wondering if you sold Prime Lenses here." clearly I think that's a huge key word.
"Sure, what kind are you looking for?"
"uhmmm, weeeeell, what kinds are there."
He stares at me like I'm a daft dinosaur with a rabbit in my nostril before saying,
"It depends on what you're looking for, there're different ones for different purposes."
"RIGHT!" Says I, trying to cover up my stupidity. "Well I was looking for the one which blurs the background!"
And again, I become that daft dinosaur except I'm sure this time the rabbit is doing some sort of weird dance while hanging out my nostril.

Well, at least we got it, and it was correct, and Victor's tall enough to hide me and pretend I'm his retarded friend.
That's only half of it though, can't wait for her birthday. Come to think of it, can't wait for mine!
yay(: That's going to be another tattoo!
Exciting much! Plus, I think I might get out of the country with TLC. Or we might just wait til June cos March hols are terribly short.

Gosh, so many many many things to do. It gets tiring thinking about it all sometimes, don't you think?
Well, I'm off to have a smoke and bore myself with thinking about what I have to do instead of actually doing it.

Ta!

smelly works too

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Charis Vera --

[adjective]: Similar to butter in texture and appearance

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

The Last Kiss

I'm twenty minutes into that show, and really really really want to finish watching it.
Except the weirdest thing happened.
I just removed the five lines after that last sentence because my mom and I talked.
We're alright now, at least we were. But now she thinks I am still throwing a temper by sitting in my room and not continuing to watch.

I am not.

I'm not just saying it. I'm not throwing a temper. I just hate watching movies half way.
Especially if I want to watch it properly.
This is the first time I'm watching this movie and I really want to watch it proper.
I've missed twenty minutes and going out there to finish the movie will simply frustrate and annoy my eyeballs out of my head.

But that's okay. I'm going to drop it right now.
I'm not mad at my mom, she was just as caught up in the movie as I was. Nothing wrong with that.
And no, I'm not mad now.
I just think that sometimes you need to accept people's idiosyncrasy. I really do.
But I'm not mad, or annoyed. Just hurt. I feel like crying.
Cos this whole thing is seriously bloody stupid.
It's getting pissed off at a tv show lah, come on.

I'm not mad, I laughed at it, we understand, so let's let it drop- that's what I think.
So okay, dropping it now.

NOW
back to the show:
It's a nice take on the guys' perspective, which is why I really want to watch it.

Anyway, it got me thinking.
So,

Dear Vicky Chen, (I picked her cos she's the only one who would slap me really hard)
Please swear to God that if I get irate, irrational and unreasonable when it comes to someone I'm in a relationship with, you will slap as hard as you possibly can and without thought for whether or not I will punch you.

love,
Charis.

Okay, mommy if you read this, it's not that I didn't understand the person in the movie.
I get the hormonal thing, and I think maybe because it was a movie, they had to get her angrier earlier.

Maybe it's because I've become someone who doesn't expect commitment and exclusivity. I can't say whether or not I'll say the same thing in a relationship. Maybe it's nice to not label your thing as a relationship. Then you're not expecting that commitment.
Maybe I'm just always expecting people to start rethinking, after a while- Just like I did.
Maybe that's why I don't want to tie people down and feel like I'm tying someone down.
I'll be damned if I do that.
And I suppose that's why I don't want to get married.

In that thirty year marriage, having been together since college, he didn't feel a thing for her.
What was that line he said?
"Of course I'd notice if you were gone. We're contractually bound."

Well leapin' lizards.
I do not want to feel like I've made you sign away your bloody life.
Of course as a girl, most of us have pretty would-bes that have us dressed up in white dresses and walking down the aisle (or having a horse do that for you).

I can't say I don't want that.
And sometimes I think.
Boy, i do really want that. I want to be able to do that when I'm young and not just when I'm fifty (like I planned).

But then immediately after, I also think,
One beautiful day, a tonne of money, a supposedly once-in-a-lifetime thing, it'll just last that one day. Then it'll be in pictures and memory.
And you won't be thinking about stuff like that when you're running after screaming toddlers with another one in your arms and they're both screaming blue bloody murder.
Maybe I will get married one day, but I find it less likely after I have the kids.

Plus, I think it's the most unfair thing you can do to a child.
Yeah well, you know how our parents protect us from stuff they went through and we in turn want to protect our kids from things we've gone through.
It's not the best of plans, and it's not fool-proof,
but I can't get over that bright neon sign that flashes saying that a marriage will break down.

I don't know how the others keep it together, I really don't.
And I just think, it is only a matter of time before one or the others gets up and leaves.
And when that time comes I want to be able to say,
It's alright, because you stayed heaps longer than I'd ever expect you to.

Which is true.
What you don't expect can never hurt you.
And if you go into it, expecting to do shit alone, then you won't get mad at someone for not helping you with the demon child in your arms. I mean, it's sort of like how you'd ask a friend for help rather than demanding.

After all that, I still can't say for certain.
I'm not married, haven't been and haven't been in a long enough relationship.
But the world, it's pretty damn scary, and I can't keep wishing for my kids to come out blind and deaf.

my few random things

Dear, sweet God.
I'm still alive aren't I?

there are some things that i think about, without fail, every single day:
- today's schedule
- tomorrow's schedule
- whether or not my children will grow up like me

I wish some people wouldn't take things so personally. Just because you don't share some things with certain friends in your group doesn't make you any less close, just because I'm drawing a picture of pineapples doesn't mean I don't like you and I wish I were a pineapple.

Something that I'm still learning is that it's a bad bad idea to form plans with someone when you're all happy and non-argumentative.

I really like corners. Dark, small, quiet and clean corners. They make me feel safe. They make me feel like I can live there forever.

I am generally not a sad person. I might be rather emotional, and sometimes emotional means lots of tears, but I'm not sad.
I'm not sad now, I'm just rather numb.
I wonder if one day my eighteen year old will be sitting in front of her computer at 8:57 in the morning, feeling the things I'm feeling right now and hating me for giving birth to her.
Dear God, I hope not.
(no, I'm not hating my mother for giving birth to me)

I want to burn all that's left of breakfast and pretend I can physically fit a part of my body into that toaster too.

They all took a break on the 21st day.
Well actually they didn't, but I'm saying they did so I can convince you that you should rest on the 21st day too. Or 21st year. or 21st hour, what ever suits your fancy.

Writing often makes me feel better, so does running, cutting and singing.

There's a blue plastic cassette looking thing on my floor. You would probably pick it up and chide me for still keeping trash from when I was five. I hoard things because sometimes they're all I have to remember.
It's a toy cassette that fits into a toy video camera.
The toy video camera was yellow and I knew exactly what it would've done if it were real. So I used it to take videos of things happening around me, or silly things like the black bookshelf in my old room with all my fairytale books on it. That old room was the first that I could call my own. Before it was my own, i shared it with Janice. We had a bunk bed and I slept on top. I hid my books at the top of the shelf that was built into the wall, so that I could read it after mommy put us to bed. It was my first "grown up" book.
It was soft cover, and yellow, with red borders. Enid Blyton wrote it. It was Amelia Jane, the naughty doll. I've re-read it a million times. One of the pages i stopped at before going to sleep once, was page 9. It was the first time I remembered the number of the page rather than putting a bookmark in. Folding pages has never been a habit, although I've done it before.

I wish I could play that blue toy cassette for you.
I don't know where the big yellow video camera it came with has gone to, but I've got the tape. I want to play it for you so that you will see that it wasn't all supposed to turn out this way.
That somewhere along the way, when I was trudging to and from school, getting off school buses or having my domestic help look after me, something went wrong.
And actually it started even before they bought the flat together.

I want you to see them happy, sitting on a red brick wall, with their backs against each other and smiling at the camera. I want you to see me spinning penny around and around and around in front of my old fire place.
I want to hold your hand and take you through my old house back home. I want to show you where we put our shoes away, where you'll see my green boots that are lined with wool on the inside, the switch for the electrical fire place, the bath tub and the three yellow ducks, the staircase, the lovely little kitchen. I want to take you to the places I used to go to as a kid. Where I'd sit beside one of my mommy's friends and pick the smarties off the cake as she put it on.

I could show you that I was happy. And that I am supposed to be that happy kid that grows up into a happy teenager, and goes on to be a happy adult.
I can show you that I am still happy. Safely tucking away these memories and looking at them when I feel like I need a reason to smile.

I'm okay though, and I'm fine, fortunately or unfortunately I have yet to decide.
But I am also late, or going to be, for work.
We don't ever have the time to mope around like this, not right before work. Even on days you want to disappear.

I don't need space, I don't hate you or any of you.
Just sometimes, it's nice to be able to sit and cry and have the drilling from downstairs drown you out.

alive? really?
could've fooled myself.
doesn't feel like it in the least.

Even D' Odds

Four days out of five, I'm up at half past eight with a nice cup of coffee and watching Primetime morning and nodding at number that I only pretend to understand.
On the fifth day, I'm dancing around with tiny little macmuffins!

So we've hit mid-week! But it sure doesn't feel like it in the least.
Maybe also because it's half past nine and I feel like having another poop.
Not that you really needed to know that.

I think my schedule's pretty relaxed so I'm really grateful.
Except that I don't put it to full use, much.
pfft.

I really really have to finish a couple of assignments this week.
I highly doubt I'll be finishing public speaking within this month. dammit.
On a lighter note, I've managed to maintain my B-average with my arts!
yay me!

this is what I've reduced to, using students' group names as titles.
But it makes a good title!

thweeeeeep

Charis, you are a big fat oafy sap and will shut up!
ah, the shmucks of the world.

soooo,
i thought I was much much better today but I wasn't.
I was headachey and went for a nap in the afternoon, although I slept from 6.30pm yesterday all the way to 9am today.
Now I am terribly headachey and am wondering if I should go to bed.
At the same time I feel like gagging and throwing up.
At the same time, I'm rather preoccupied with my bloody weird dream about glow in the dark thunderbeads.
No prize for guessing which old movie I most recently watched.

can't wait to get away!
And Friday is beach-day:D
oh no, my week hasn't even started yet and I'm already feeling so tired.

why's that so!

Satisfy cravings for macmuffins: check!

So we've done a lot of talking and planning. Not down to the months and days and times, but guess-timations.

It's sort of weird, as I've always found it is, talking about the rest of your life in your dinky little kitchen which you haven't fully unpacked yet.

But it'll have to do, won't it?
Gosh, I cannot even imagine talking to my kids about the rest of their lives. Thank God that'll only come about like in a hundred years or so.

Anyhoos, it's the beginning of another week! The last one was extremely fun but very tiring and I found myself feeling very sorry for myself over the weekend, nursing headaches, nausea, fevers, and moodswings that had be crying on the sofa in my living room because TLC denied me spicy drumlets. (i know, right?)

So there is a whole bunch of stuff that I simply must get done today.
I've been talking about getting away, and this morning has been spent exclaiming and getting jittery at too-pricey and too-unbelievable prices with bird.

yay, away away!

Anyway, before I leave, I'll leave you with just a snippet of last week. Obviously, this was my favourite part of last week. We just got started on teaching CHIJ Kellock Primary one girls!
SO-

Me: Today, I am here to teach you girls drama!
Girls: YAYYYYYY!
(later on when my boss comes in...)
Girls: Miss C, who is that?
random girl 01: I think you're somebody's mother!
Nora: Really! Who's mother am I?
Random girl 02: I think you are Miss Clarice mother!
Nora: oh my gawd, nonononooo!

hahahaha

I'll be off!

xoxo

i varted through this

Rules:
It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag ten people.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Charis

2. A four Letter Word : Cunt

3. A boy's Name : Christiano

4. A girl's Name : Cay

5. An occupation : Cardiologist (physician specializing in heart conditions)

6. A color : Carmine (it's a shade of red under the complete list of crayola colours. go wiki! HAH IN YOUR FACE!)

7. Something you'll wear : I want to say cunt, haha. uhmmm, a cardigan!

9. A food : Curry

10. Something found in the bathroom: Cunt-washer. HAHA. sorry. uhmm, cup (for rinsing your mouth)

11. A place : Cuba came to mind first but I'm gonna go for California. The former does sound rather exotic though.

12. A reason for being late : Cunt-washing. sorry, I have nooo idea what's wrong with me today.
uhhm, Car Accident

13. Something you'd shout : CUNTFACE! (I need to stop that, don't I?) I'd shout Christ, in fact, I do sometimes. Accept I know that's awful.

14. A movie title : CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON which, btw you HAVE TO WATCH.
WHICH, BTW, I've watched already! haha! Cuntface!

15. Something you drink : Coffee (because I actually don't really like carrot juice, although it came to mind first.)

16. A musical group : You know, if I had an all girlband, we'd be called cuntface. cos it's not so rude after a while, it's just really cute. I digress! CASTING CROWNS!

17. An animal : cat

18. A street name : Castro Street, in San Francisco

19. A type of car : Chrysler

Restarting

Enough of sappy movies for me!

But I must say, I do get quite a balance;
One day it's sappy movies and the next, I finish a book written by someone who was abused as a child and had a generally unhappy ending.

So I got my new year started with the beginning of this month(:
I had a lovely time to myself yesterday, which included me finishing an entire book within the day, as well as having a fantastically lovely swim.
Besides being just slightly freaked out that a client at my mom's work place was following me around, even though my mother was with me, I was in a lovely mood, and got much needed rest.
Aghast at my eyebags, I even slapped a couple of kiwi eye masks on.

It's another glorious day, with a terrible lot that I'm looking forward to, including my class this afternoon. (Though the hours seem to stretch one out successfully.)
I really ought to get my damned public speaking assignment over and done with though. HMM.

I also tidied up my knickers drawer!
OH GOSH, SO TERRIBLY LOVELY!
They're arranged according to:
Tummy Tuckers, good-for-periods, boyshorts/girl-boxers, sleep-knickers (which are not as granny-panty-ish as you'd like to imagine), normal (which has two sub categories) and thongs (which has four sub categories)
Normal is split into lycra and pretty (which has like, a random I <3 ME pair of panties, among others) and thongs are split into
Not too comfy, Stringy, SUPER COMFY and thongs with that GORGEOUS lace band which mom just bought a couple more of for me yesterday :D The last category needs a couple more though!

Okay, that was a lovely, unneeded paragraph of information. But I'm rather pleased with myself.
hehe.

Anyway, I'd best be off to Holland Village for more Me-time and errand-running.
Toodles oodles!

So close enchanted piano.mp3 - Enchanted

in another's hands

"Promise me it won't hurt. Promise me when it all ends it won't hurt."


and you have so, got to get out of my head girl.

so that I can jot down happy times

Today I woke up and thought,
"Hey, I'm still alive." Then it became,
"Oh God, i'm still alive."

Okay, no it wasn't that bad.
I did a spot of tidying up, a small load of laundry, ate one proper meal but made up for that by going on a binge at Enqing's place.

Today was lovely.

So yes, I have noticed the drop in excited blogging. I've got heaps to say, and I think, "oh that is SO going on my blog" except it sort of never does.
Maybe because I really do believe that thinking it is all it takes for it to appear on my blog.
I thought we were synched, dammit!

So, eventful week it's been.
Next week's kicking in full force and I'll be lucky if I have time to breathe.
(okay I'll make sure I do. But I'll be dogwalking or swimming or generally avoiding secondary school children)

Here's joke of the week though:
Some of my students (from my favourite class) saw my scars.
"Miss C, what's that?"
"Oh, those are scars."
"Why do you have scars?"
"Because I used to be a cutter."
"What's a cutter? Cher, you emo ah?"
"No, of course not! Don't be silly, now if you'll just sit..."
"Cher, don't be emo okay?"

okayyyyy, awww.

Anyway,
you won't believe what I'm using as my daily planner this year! No, you really won't.

Here's a hint:
It looks like a school diary, and also looks a fuck load like PL's 2008 school diary.
No prize for winners.

nighty night

and it's one of those times of the year again.
In fact, it's so insignificant, that I don't actually feel that my life is marked by these occasions.
You know, these "special" ones that have to be shared and the issue of that tip-toed around.

It's the first of one of those times of the year again.
and already,
I'm just so incredibly tired.

what Squidge produced

So as I've probably mentioned before, I've got a baby named Squidge.
She's a tiny camera, smaller than the size of your palm. Squidge's best friend is a fish-eye camera, and is the exact same size as her (except with a huge round lens).

I took them both on my LA Trip and only just managed to collect the photographs.
Because they use 110mm film which is pretty much non-existent, it cost a bomb to get these photographs developed. As if that wasn't bad enough, most of them due to over-exposure/under-exposure/ sunlight sneaking into my film canister, most of the pictures out of the 72 are grey and blank.
I was quite quite upset, to say the least. And it cost me like, fifty bucks just to get them developed.

I figured I'd be lucky if I could get just ten or so decent pictures out of the 72.
I managed to get twenty. Somehow though, I don't feel that much more ecstatic.

Those that survived though, are terribly pretty.
Of course they're not your ordinary sort of pictures where clarity is taken for granted. They're pretty old school, some of them grainy, and some of them over-exposed in a way that is still rather pretty. I'm not a photographer, that title is held by my baby sister.
But the stuff's pretty neat and I'm quite proud of the outcome, although it's all of twenty pictures.

Needless to say, no more cute little gadgets for me. Shoes are SO much more worth it.
And they look better in pictures too!

Anyway! Here they are((:




mPersonal Favourite, this one. All of the above were in San Francisco.
The series below us is from the fish-eye. (I was thinking of calling it Dory. teehee)

I love this one(:



Oh these two that just passed were in Frisco too((:
That's Jacq, and the lawn
And that's the lawn from the front door, which no one ever enters by.


That's my pap-pap, we're right outside HSBC.

Costco, and feeble attempt to take artsy shots.Dog in the next car.


Well well, for those that turned out brilliantly, I'm awfully happy.
But there's a whole lot that didn't come through. So I guess you've to imagine the rest of the fifty shots.
Think beautiful skyline, clouds, flowers, fountains, and long empty roads lined with orange trees that look like they belong on a postcard.


xoxo