Hello there!
Very very strangely, I woke up in a fantastic mood today.
And wow, look at the time, it's half past ten in the morning!
Mother, as one of the final things she had to say to me last night - because she was quite cross with me- was that I probably wouldn't be awake, even at 8pm today.
Then I thought, hmmm, maybe I won't be awake today, at 8 in the evening.
And I sat there, I did.
For a while actually.
I heard her come out of her room and heard her eventually go back inside too.
After all, I wasn't planning on waking up yesterday but then I did in the end, didn't I?
Damn shame, that was. haha.
Then I thought for a bit more and decided,
hmmm, what fun to prove someone wrong! Haven't quite done that as actively as when I was in Secondary school.
So I put away my penknife and left death for another day.
I do, afterall, have a bit of a mess to clean up.--------
Confession time!
Instead of constantly having an endless stream of emo emo emo posts addressed to people you can only imagine, here's what's wrong with me.
I am not depressed, thank you very much, but I do think I'm going quite mad.
A bit delirious right now, in fact.
Right now's an odd feeling, I must admit.
I feel like throwing my head back and laughing at absolutely nothing, but then if I do that, I'm quite sure to burst into tears too.
Oh my.
I don't want to to be around either.
Not because I'm so very sad and am lacking in forms of comfort. Not at all!
Well more because of the frustration of how tiresome life is.
The whole thinking about the major move to wherever in the world (gosh, mustn't ask about that now!),
what I'm going to do and yada yada yada.
It seems like it will take such a huge amount of effort to, I don't know, breathe correctly.
And yeah, it sort of feels like I'm not doing anything right at all.
I'm still a cutter, and have been for the last six years.
I don't know why I actually typed that out but I guess, it's the start of me not really wanting to cut myself anymore.
Wow, whee.
The thing is, to most people right, it doesn't matter that you're trying to stop. Because as far as most of them are concerned, you shouldn't have been doing it to begin with.
So you incur their wrath when they found out that you've lapsed back into it.
Even though, as you try -feebly- to explain, you kept off it for very very very long, the whole point is that you fell.
God forbid we become human, now and again.
Actually, you incur their wrath the moment they find out you've been doing-what-you-shouldn't-do, even though you've now decided to quit.
Like well, smoking for instance.
The last time I went on a no-smoking spree, I didn't tell anybody about it.
I just did it.
Then there was this whole dinner incident where only The Little Creature (darling she is!) and Victor seemed to get that, at least I was bloody trying.
Oooooh, bummer!
I'm too bummed to talk about it now, anyhow.
I am suddenly aware of how mad I sound right now, it's kind of funny actually and I'd laugh at you if I could.
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I think yesterday stung for a number of reasons.
But I don't really want to defend myself. I don't want a whole case of deja vu.
It's strange I guess, but then it's really not supposed to be a surprise that I only hang out with two straight guys these days.
I don't know, really. Guess I'm wondering if that's all you think of me now.
Can't blame you for having a seventeen year old daughter and I guess I'm sorry that I do still behave my age now and then.
I'm not being sarcastic mommy,
and I'm sorry for not hanging out with the family all that much.
Sometimes though, there isn't a point talking if no one's listening- that's all.
I still try, you know.
But you could set a bomb in a sound-proof room and no one would have any idea until it blows up and they're off screaming blue-bloody-murder.
Whatever it is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry and I love you.
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I know this might sound very odd, especially to people who know me.
But,
I'm awfully excited for Joyce and for Chloe((:
Well it's not so strange from me to Chloe, but I've never talked to Joyce in my life before so yes, it's a bit strange.
Anyhoos.
It's nice seeing people make these amazing decisions and have someone to hold their hand and go through it with them.
I should shut up real quick before someone shoots me for being too weird.
hahaha.
tata world,
I feel an awful lot like disappearing.
Maybe,
I will(:
xoxo
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